Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today we’re talking about cis allyship, or lack thereof. And not from transphobes and bigots, but from people who think of themselves as trans allies. Buckle up, we’re crashing into PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP 2: FALSE ALLYSHIP.
Some context before we dive in. You’ll want to see my Trans Tuesday on No Escape 2: Some Escape (due to cis allyship), to learn just how important even one lone ally can be to bad experiences for trans folks that maybe never even occurred to you.
You’ll want to see the original thread on Performative Allyship… what it is, why it’s bad, and the harm it causes when you don’t understand us well enough to be an actual ally.
And if you want a little extra understanding of how the simplest act of allyship and acceptance from cis people can mean the world to us, see the recent thread on What Real Cis Acceptance Looks Like.
When I talked about Performative Allyship the first time, it was about people who claimed to be allies, thought of themselves as allies, but who wouldn’t do even the smallest, simplest thing to help us. But this week’s topic is a step further in the wrong direction.
So what do I mean when I say “false allyship?” I’m talking about cis people out there who honestly, truly believe they’re trans allies… but their “allyship” goes beyond being performative and is actually dangerous transphobia.
Seems unlikely, Tilly! Yeah I hear you. And yet it’s real, and it happens to us all the time. Cognitive dissonance is alive in a lot of people out there, and it’s not confined to those who are openly bigoted or biased against us.
If you’re not sure what that means, please see the thread on Implicit Queerphobia. Until you, me, we, ALL of us recognize the implicit biases society forces into us, we can’t combat it and work to root it out.
The example I’m going to use is of a specific instance, and I want to caution you that this is going to contain discussion of transphobic comments. Not everyone is always in a place where they can handle that, so this is your fair warning.
This happened on Oct. 18 2022. I know it’s been a while, so why the heck am I talking about it now? Well I was in the middle of other Trans Tuesdays at the time, and then had a podcast to launch and I definitely didn’t want to lead the show with this.
I was also really angry about it, and I needed the time and distance to cool off a bit so I could approach it from a less heated viewpoint. To be clear, I’m still mad, and am justified in being so, but now I can approach it with more than just pain and swearing.
So on the morning of Oct. 18, I was stuck in traffic, a normal occurrence for Los Angeles. I was listening to KROQ, because I dig most of the music they play. Their morning programming is The Klein/Ally show, which is… probably what you’d expect it to be.
Klein and Ally are both cis white people, and Ally’s a lesbian. I only bring that up because, as you’ll see, she prides herself on being a member of the queer community. And that’s going to be extra relevant.
That morning they were featuring “Tales from the Lyft,” which was basically rideshare horror stories. There’s some ageism and fatphobia from a caller as well, all of which goes mostly unchallenged, so go in with caution.
I’ll be discussing the relevant part in detail below, but you can listen to the 20 minute segment in full here (the portion I’m discussing is from 14:45 – 16:06).
Caller: Friday night, I’m beginner Uber. Um, pick up a girl, pick her up at her home, she’s going out to a club or something like that. I’m taking her out, we’re talking, she’s flirting with me, I’m flirting back with her, my truck is dark, I can’t see her face good…
Caller: …she has a nice body, whatever, she asks for my number so we can hang out, I say “sure, great, give me your number blah blah blah.” Um… as soon as we rolled up to the destination where she was going to, um…
Caller: I look at the place, I look at her, she’s getting out of my car, I look at the place, I look back down at her, I notice her kinda really wide back, similar to mine…
[Klein and Ally laugh].
Caller: I’m like wait, what is this place? I look at her, she turns around and says bye to me, and I’m all like-
Klein [affects an overly-deep voice]: BYE
Caller: She’s got that dark tone, you know, heavy voice…
Klein: -hold on.
[There’s an edit in the file here, I don’t know what they cut out]
Ally: You should go through with it. [Klein laughs] I think it’s meant to be.
Klein: That’s always- it’s so funny just because-
Ally [laughs]: The wide back.
Klein: I don’t know how much of that I had to cut out, but [laughs] he’s thinking to himself “this is the best night ever.”
Ally: Yeah.
Klein: Just started rideshare driving, right out of the way, got a beauty in the back-
Ally: She’s beautiful.
Klein: -flirting with me and then all of a sudden gets up, big wide man, [affects deeper voice] GOODBYE
Ally: Seeya later.
Klein [affects deeper voice]: HAVE A GOOD NIGHT SIR.
Okay so right on the surface, both Klein and that caller are deeply, surface-level transphobic. That’s bad enough on its own, but you know what? At least it’s honest transphobia. It’s all “hey world, I’m a bigot.” It’s awful, but you know where you stand right away.
But Ally, a queer woman, LAUGHED at their transphobia, and didn’t at all push back against it. THAT is what kills me. She should know better. She should BE better. And I tried to tell her so.
Please note: I am NOT tagging her or the show into this thread. I said what I had to say to them, and I don’t need them or their transphobic listeners coming to harass me. So don’t go tagging them into the replies, or you’re part of the problem.
Me tweeting to the Klein/Ally show: Hey so it turns out Klein/Ally Show on KROQ thinks the fact that trans women exist is HILARIOUS. Our trying to live our lives in peace is worthy of mockery because really, how dare we? But thanks for letting us know you’re bigots, I guess.
Klein/Ally show responds: Ally here. We have no intention whatsoever of making a mockery of the trans community. I’d be a pretty lousy ally to my trans friends if that were the case. We laughed at a simple story about mistaken identity in a rideshare, during which the person’s identity was never revealed.
I respond: the intent and context was to mock a woman the driver said had “a wide back” and you all then affected lower voices and laughed and laughed. If the intent of that was not “a woman with a wide back and deep voice is HILARIOUS,” what was it? There could be no other intent.
My reply: whether the person in question was a trans woman, a man in drag, or a cis woman with broad shoulders, your *jokes* were transphobic, and yes that makes you a shitty ally. Trans women face the highest level of violence ever and shit like this enables it. It’s bigoted and dangerous.
Klein/Ally show’s reply: I’m not of the belief that laughter translates to phobia & hatred, but I know not all feel that way. There are people out there who are truly transphobic & hateful & I know deep in my bones that no one on this show is in that camp. I’ve had enough of these conversations both on-
Klein/Ally show’s reply: And off the air to know how they turn out. Going back & forth on verbiage & intention…it usually ends with no progress when all this energy could have been spent sending shitty tweets to Tucker Carlson [who she tagged?!] So I will bow out feeling genuinely bummed that we lost you.
My reply: something can be transphobic without you actively setting out to hurt trans people. Laughing at *the very idea* of a woman with broad shoulders and a deep voice is laughing at the reality of existence for many trans women. And it was on a segment about rideshare “horror stories.”
My reply: a guy who was repulsed he’d been flirting with us is one step away from guys who murder us for “tricking them” on dates, and if you can’t see how that further normalizes hating us I don’t know what to tell you. It’s not hard to say “sorry, we’ll do better,” yet here we are.
Needless to say I’ve stopped listening to the show. I don’t hate KROQ, I still listen a lot and am particularly fond of their late morning and afternoon DJs, Nicole Alvarez and Megan Holiday. I enjoy listening to them. But I’m never putting KROQ on before 10 am ever again.
This is extra egregious to me because KROQ is easily the most well-known radio station in Los Angeles, with a long history, and it’s listened to around the world. They’ve got a big audience, which furthers the importance of them not doing harm to marginalized communities.
When someone from a marginalized community tells you something you did perpetuates the harm they face, YOUR JOB IS TO LISTEN, APOLOGIZE, AND DO BETTER.
THAT IS WHAT AN ALLY DOES.
But she got defensive, made excuses, claimed that nobody there could possibly be transphobic… despite the INCREDIBLY transphobic things they all said and laughed at. And the transphobia is awful enough on its own!
And then, and THEN to be like “but other people are much nastier!” as if that matters. Of COURSE they are, and yet ALL OF IT IS HARMFUL AND NEEDS TO STOP.
The LAST thing we need are people who claim to be allies, who want to THINK of themselves as allies… but who laugh at the ways we’re different, don’t stand up for us, and then pull out the “but I have trans friends!” excuse that means absolutely nothing.
If this is the kind of crap you’re going to do, if you catch yourself LAUGHING at bigoted jokes (much less making them), YOU HAVE SOME TRANSPHOBIA TO DEAL WITH.
Getting defensive doesn’t make it go away. Admitting it, apologizing, and working to root it out of you to be a true ally is the only response that doesn’t end in more transphobia.
Trans people have to deal with more than enough of this shit from active bigots. The absolute last thing we need is this flaming trash from people who claim to be our friends.
Do better.
We’re human beings, and we DESERVE better.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com