Welcome to #TransTuesday! This is part 1 of a 2-part series that are some of the most important Trans Tuesdays ever. Cis friends, I need you to read this, share it, talk about it. Here comes TRANS POLITICS 1: STOP TOLERATING TRANSPHOBIA.
Before we begin, I want to say that after next week’s essay, Trans Politics 2, Trans Tuesdays will be off for a week. Because that’ll be Nov. 5, 2024, which is election day. And that’s why Trans Politics 1 and 2 are leading right up to it.
But as trans rights, our very right to exist in the US, is up in the air pending the election results, I’m going to spend the day being a nervous, anxious wreck hiding under a blanket. Trans Tuesdays will return on Nov. 12.
Okay, so let’s start with a seemingly innocuous meme that was posted by a family member we’ll call Buddy. It spurred a long, drawn out discussion. It’s so, SO wrong, and harmful, but the very idea of that was something he could not (or would not) grasp. (I added the superimposed red NOPE)
Buddy says he fully supports me and my right to be who I am, and “has no problem” with me. Buuuut y’know what? That’s bullshit.
Since he doesn’t automatically consider candidates with anti-trans policies not worth voting for… he also thinks it’s fine to be friends with people who actively hate me for existing. Buddy doesn’t see why he can’t be friends with both me and the bigots. In his mind, “we can have a difference of opinion, there’s nothing wrong with that!”
Except this isn’t a difference of opinion, is it?
That meme treats “degrading” someone for their support of Trump as the same as degrading trans people for who we are and our very right to exist. Those two things are not the same! Fighting back against someone who wants me dead is not the same as being the person who wants me dead!
One of those is objectively wrong.
My life is literally in danger if Republicans take power, my right to EXIST is apparently up for debate (NO human’s right to exist should ever be up for debate).
That’s not a difference of opinion.
Favorite pizza toppings or singers or tv shows are a difference of opinion. People who think I should have no rights IS NOT A VALID OPINION.
By continuing to be friends with the bigot, Buddy upholds the system of oppression that harms trans people.
For more on how if you’re not actively helping trans people (which includes not being friends with transphobes) you are, in fact, part of the systems that oppress us, see my book BEGIN TRANSMISSION: THE TRANS ALLEGORIES OF THE MATRIX. Because those movies have a WHOLE LOT to say about the topic.
If there are no consequences for bigots supporting hate and violence, why would they ever stop doing it?
When I point this out, Buddy is very mad at me. He supports me (so he says)! How could I be so intolerant of a bigot’s intolerance of ME? Meanwhile he completely misses the point that bigotry SHOULD NEVER BE TOLERATED FOR ANY REASON.
Tolerating bigotry leads only to violence and fascism. Does that remind you of… our state of existence? This is the paradox of tolerance.
“In order to maintain a tolerant society, the society must retain the right to be intolerant of intolerance.”
This image distills it down pretty well.
For more on this, see the excellent article, Tolerance is Not a Moral Precept.
A few choice quotes:
“Tolerance is not a moral absolute; it is a peace treaty. Tolerance is a social norm because it allows different people to live side-by-side without being at each other’s throats. It means that we accept that people may be different from us, in their customs, in their behavior, in their dress, in their sex lives, and that if this doesn’t directly affect our lives, it is none of our business. But the model of a peace treaty differs from the model of a moral precept in one simple way: the protection of a peace treaty only extends to those willing to abide by its terms. It is an agreement to live in peace, not an agreement to be peaceful no matter the conduct of others. A peace treaty is not a suicide pact.”
“This is a variation on the old saw that “your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins.” We often forget (or ignore) that no right is absolute, because one person’s rights can conflict with another’s. This is why freedom of speech doesn’t protect extortion, and the right to bear arms doesn’t license armed robbery. Nor is this limited to rights involving the state; people can interfere with each other’s rights with no government involved, as when people use harassment to suppress other people’s speech. While both sides of that example say they are “exercising their free speech,” one of them is using their speech to prevent the other’s: these are not equivalent. The balance of rights has the structure of a peace treaty.”
Buddy asks how I could ask him to cut a friend or someone he loves out of their life? I didn’t actually ask him to do that, but his choice to NOT do so sends a message to everyone he CLAIMS to support. He will tolerate transphobia. Hating me for existing is not a deal-breaker for him, which sends a message about exactly what he really thinks of me and my human rights.
And that message is: Buddy’s friendship with bigots is more important to him than my right to exist and have equal rights.
Meanwhile I’m over here wondering why anyone would want to be friends with a bigot. Who wants someone with that kind of hate in their life? Why? Why would you want that person around?
Let me give you another example from another former friend, let’s call him Dominic.
Dominic and I were pretty good friends in high school. I hung out at his house a lot, and I was a couple years older than him and he looked up to me a lot, even though I was a very weird and awkward kid buried in dysphoria.
Dominic and his entire family are Mormon. At the time, as a seemingly cishet white boy who was entirely unaware of the Mormon church’s stance on queer people (who I did not know I was one of), I was unconcerned with his religion.
Not long after my wife and I got married, Dominic sent me a message. And it said that he knew I loved my wife a lot, and the only way I could be assured of being with her forever, after death and in heaven, was if we converted to the LDS church.
Kinda appalling, ain’t it?
That was the last time we talked, I had no interest in being friends with someone who could say something so hurtful and try to convert me (when he knew full well I wasn’t even Christian and had no intentions of ever becoming one).
Earlier this year, Dominic sent me a message, apologizing for what he said and trying to convert me. I was surprised he even remembered, and thanked him for the apology. He wanted to rekindle our friendship (knowing full well that I’m a trans woman), and I asked him if he was still Mormon and supported the LDS church.
Why would I ask? Oh, because the LDS church is not only bigoted toward its queer members, but used its money and influence to try and spread its bigotry by getting marriage equality banned IN CALIFORNIA, when their home state is Utah!
And you’ll note we’re right back to the paradox of tolerance, as quotes from LDS officials in that article whine about being held accountable for spreading their hate, as if that is not only equal to but more damaging than the hate and bigotry they were trying to legislate into law!
Appalling.
But that was 2008, Tilly! Surely the LDS church is more accepting now.
No, I assure you they are fucking not. Especially to their trans members.
“Individuals who have transitioned in any way — whether surgically, medically or socially — cannot work with children, serve as teachers in their congregation or fill any gender-specific assignments, such as president of the women’s Relief Society.”
EXCUSE ME??
“These same church members should use a single-occupancy restroom when available. If unavailable, they can counsel with leaders to find an alternative solution. Examples suggested include people using the restroom that aligns with their assigned sex at birth or one that corresponds to the individual’s “feeling of their inner sense of gender, with a trusted person ensuring that others are not using the restroom at the same time.”
FUCKING WHAT?
“Also unchanged was the instruction that all soul-saving rituals, including baptism and temple rites, must be received according to a person’s assigned sex at birth.
Only those who have not transitioned in any way can be baptized and confirmed, although possible exceptions can be made by the governing First Presidency. Individuals who transition in any way cannot receive the recommend needed to enter the church’s temples, where the faith’s highest ordinances are performed.”
Do I even have to tell you that for some trans Mormons, preventing them from transitioning is a literal death sentence? The LDS church would rather their trans members DIE before they transition.
Laurie Lee Hall said she hadn’t been to church in some time but grew emotional when she thought of the impact these new policies could have on those she knows within the trans community, including young people, who continue to make the church their spiritual home.
“It’s dehumanizing and degrading to have to have a chaperone clear a restroom before you can use it,” she said, explaining that few Latter-day Saint meetinghouses have unisex restrooms — a fact she gleaned during her years designing the buildings.
Hall, author of the forthcoming “Dictates of Conscience: From Mormon High Priest to My New Life as a Woman,” also pointed out that preventing transgender members from working with children and youth puts them in a category with sex offenders.”
So, y’know, maaaaaaaybe you can see why I was concerned that this was an organization he still was a member of, supported, and still gave a 10% tithe on his income to (money that the church has readily demonstrated it will use to spread its bigotry and influence laws, entirely ignoring the supposed separation of church and state).
I’m going to share my response to him, because it’s something more people need to see and understand.
He replied and said he’s watched my journey from afar, “admired my courage” (I shouldn’t have to be courageous to exist! See the Trans Tuesday on TRANS COURAGE for more on that), and stated that he still is a member and supports his church, but also “sees me as a fully equal human being deserving of love, compassion, and peace.”
And I’m sorry, but no.
NO.
You don’t get to say I deserve love, compassion, and peace and that you “see” me as equal while you support and give ten percent of your income to an organization that treats trans people as second-class citizens, discriminates against us, and uses the money YOU give them to try and take our rights away.
YOU CANNOT DO BOTH OF THOSE THINGS. THEY ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.
And so I replied.
I’d hoped perhaps he was working within the church to try and get them to change their policies, but he wasn’t. I hoped I could help him see the harm he’s doing in supporting the people who oppress trans folks.
I don’t know if I did, he did not respond after that.
Listen, THIS IS A ZERO-SUM GAME.
You cannot support my right to exist and be who I am AND support the bigots who want trans people to not exist.
Friends don’t do things like that. If someone wants to take my rights away, they are obviously not my friend. And if you give money to that person, tolerate that person, vote for that person, you’re supporting that.
Further: if you don’t try to STOP them, YOU ARE AIDING THEM.
If YOU remain friends with them, knowing that they want to take my rights away, you are supporting me losing my rights.
That’s a hard pill to swallow. It means confronting friends and loved ones about the harm they’re doing.
It may mean those relationships are going to change, if you have the INTEGRITY to be an ACTUAL TRANS ALLY. SAYING you support us is wonderful, but without ACTIONS that support us, it’s nothing more than platitudes to make yourself feel better.
See the Trans Tuesday on PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP (about a much less serious situation, but it illustrates the point very well), which is allyship in name only.
See the Trans Tuesday on PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP 2: FALSE ALLYSHIP, which is when people who consider themselves “allies” are in fact part of the systems that oppress us and refuse to see it.
See the Trans Tuesday (and the MULTITUDE of Trans Tuesdays linked within) about TRANS RAGE, and how cis people keep forgetting about trans people, and how ABSOLUTELY FUCKING VITAL REAL CIS ALLYSHIP IS.
And for an example of how even the smallest gesture can show you really do have our backs, see PROACTIVE ALLYSHIP aka BE AN ACCOMPLICE.
What will you do to stop this? Do you care?
Too often, it seems you do not. See the Trans Tuesday on TRANS RAGE 2: CIS APATHY.
Think about what might happen if your MAGA/Trump supporter friends and family lost their friends and family over their horrible support of hatred. Can you think of a stronger message to send that might wake someone up? THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES FOR YOUR ACTIONS.
Please come back next week for TRANS POLITICS 2, and two of the MOST IMPORTANT things you can do to make life better for trans people.
And let me close by asking you to again look at that meme that opened the essay.
Do you see it for what it is?
Do you see that it was designed to help make bigots feel better about their bigotry?
Do you see that it was designed to help make friends of bigots feel like it’s okay to be friends with bigots?
But it’s not.
It can’t be.
Our literal lives are on the line.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com