Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week is a personal little corner of the bigger topic of FINDING OUR OWN REPRESENTATION. I suspect a lot of other trans people have similar things in their lives, but the specific one we’re talking about today is P!nk! (the singer, not the color)
If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you know I’m a mega fan. Probably mostly because of what I call P!nk Fridays, where I highlight a song or performance of hers on a weekly basis. I’m a firm believer in talking about what you love and spreading the joy.
But what you probably don’t know is WHY I’m such a big fan of hers. I mean YES her voice is stunning and I love her songs, and all of that would actually catapult her to the top on its own. But for me there’s also another layer to it.
I talked a little about what she means to me in the Trans Tuesday on the FALSE DICHOTOMY in our society. You may want to check that one out first if you missed it.
So even though she’s a cisgender woman, P!nk doesn’t often conform to the “ideal” image society expects of cis women. On top of that, a lot of her songs also touch upon her struggles with her own identity, and who society wanted her to be.
And maybe you’re starting to see the parallels. She also has a lot of songs that have big “F off” energy, for reasons I already mentioned. And obviously that isn’t necessarily true for all trans people or all trans women, but that resonates a lot with me.
Because in so many ways I’ve talked about in a lot of Trans Tuesdays, with the way our society treats us, discriminates against us, actively tries to harm us and legislate us out of existence, to stand up and say THAT WON’T STOP ME FROM BEING ME is big, big F you energy.
I touched on this a bit in the essay on THE PAST 2: THE NEW PAST, which was about finding our own representation (or mine, anyway) in a show with no trans people involved that still gave me a piece of the childhood I could have had.
And so often trans people (and people of other marginalized communities) have to find our own representation in media, because we are so rarely actually depicted or represented. And then many times, when we ARE represented, it’s harmful and damages the trans community.
You can see the Trans Tuesday on BAD REPRESENTATION for one example of what happens when representation goes very, very wrong.
And of course there ARE trans artists out there. Things are actually really improving in some ways, as Sam Smith, Demi Lovato, Janelle Monáe, and Halsey have all come out as non-binary, and Miley Cyrus has come out as genderfluid.
All of them came out well into their careers, though. Which may mean they only recently figured it out, or they only recently got to a place where they felt coming out wouldn’t cost them their careers, or both.
But for trans women and men, outside of the indie world the options drop dramatically. There’s Sophie, who we tragically lost, and Laura Jane Grace of Against Me!, and I bet most people who aren’t trans never heard of them. Probably most well-known at the moment is Kim Petras.
But none of them get play on the radio in the US. You’re unlikely to know or have heard of them if you’re not specifically going looking for them or are part of queer culture. Kim Petras was the first trans woman I ever heard on the radio and it was such an emotional moment for me.
And sure she won a Grammy for that song, but I want to point out she only got the opportunity to get on mainstream US radio with a shot at that Grammy because the already well-established Sam Smith invited her to sing on that song.
For trans men the pickings are even slimmer. I’ve never heard one on the radio that I’m aware of. Lucas Silveira was the first trans man signed to a major record label, and that didn’t even happen until 2020.
And so just in the course of living our lives, hearing music in public places, on the radio, in movies and television… we come to find artists that speak to us even if they might not share our exact identity. This is finding your own representation.
This is every trans Star Trek fan only having Jadzia and Ezri Dax to see themselves in for literally decades, even though both are cisgender characters played by cisgender actors. Trek has finally given us characters who are non-binary, and a trans man…
But we trans women are still waiting. As a brief aside, Dax (both Jadzia and Ezri, though Jadzia moreso I think) were incredibly important to the trans community and Dax will get her own Trans Tuesday at some point.
I’ve had it on my list since the beginning some three years ago, but Dax meant SO much to me as a kid growing up that I just still haven’t felt ready to tackle it yet. It’ll happen eventually, but let’s get back to the cis lady at hand, P!nk.
I could tell you how “I Am Here” feels like being seen as myself, and WANTING to be seen for the first time in my life, taking up the space in the world that I deserve to inhabit. No longer content to hide in the shadows, I want to be SEEN and KNOWN and LOVED for ME.
I am here
I’ve already seen the bottom, so there’s nothing to fear
I know that I’ll be ready when the devil is near
‘Cause I am here, I am here
All of this wrong, but I’m still right here
I don’t have the answers, but the question is clear
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r-0s7ac7hQ
I could tell you how “It’s All Your Fault” feels like a song from pre-transition me talking to the first time I really saw myself in the mirror, and how I didn’t want that lady to leave, but was terrified to make her real.
It’s all your fault
You called me beautiful
You turned me out
And now I can’t turn back
I hold my breath
‘Cause you were perfect
But I’m running out of air
And it’s not fair
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQFi9QAI5VI
I could tell you how “Try Too Hard” encapsulates the shame and anger and self-loathing I felt at pretending to be someone I wasn’t, and not knowing why or how to break out of it, for so long. For so, so long.
Everything you are, everything you say
Everything you do is not for you
Everything you feel, everything you know
You found it on your favorite TV show
‘Cause everything you want, everything you do
You try so hard to be everyone but you
Everywhere you turn, you just gotta learn
It’s easier if you don’t try so hard
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsUNh-Yn8LM
I could tell you how “Don’t Let Me Get Me,” in ways both literal and metaphorical, is a pretty perfect example of the inner turmoil I felt at being trapped in a world I didn’t understand and never asked for.
Every day I fight a war against the mirror
I can’t take the person staring back at me
So doctor, doctor, won’t you please prescribe me something?
A day in the life of someone else
‘Cause I’m a hazard to myself
Don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
It’s bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don’t wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asaCQOZpqUQ
I could tell you how “Trustfall” is the moment of the leap into embracing your true self, throwing yourself over the edge and believing that you’ll fly. It’s the moment you decide to transition and become the real you that you’ve always been inside.
We’ve been runnin’ for our lives
We’ve been hidin’ from the light
We’ve been far too scared to fight
For what we want tonight
Close your eyes and leave it all behind
Go where love is on our side
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2KE2a5qo0gThere are more than just these, but those are the big ones. In the thread on the False Dichotomy I mentioned how her Beautiful Trauma tour changed my soul, and it did.
Not just from getting to hear her voice live, and not just from being close to the stage. And not just because I’d never seen one of her concerts before and didn’t know the explosion of art and love and inclusion that was about to be injected into my veins.
I had a very old phone at the time, and its camera was woeful, so these photos are not great. But they do give some indication of exactly how close we were. Ugh, to be that close and have a terrible camera! It pains me to this day.
There was an extended moment during a costume change, a video with voiceover about a conversation she had with her daughter. I was lucky enough to see it twice, and I’ve found a version I’d very much like you to watch. It’s short, don’t worry!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPRtBWdehMY
Recently I was driving my daughter to school
And she said to me, out of the blue “Mama?”
I said, “Yes baby?”
She said, “I’m the ugliest girl I know.”
And I said, “…huh?”
And she was like, “yeah, I look like a boy, with long hair”
And my brain went to, “oh my god, you’re six, why… where is this coming from, who said this? Can I kick a six year old’s ass?”
But I didn’t say anything, and instead I went home… and I made a powerpoint presentation for her! And in that presentation were androgynous rock stars and artists, that live their truth, are probably made fun of every day of their life, and carry on, and wave their flag, and inspire the rest of us.
And these are artists like Michael Jackson and David Bowie and Freddie Mercury and Annie Lennox and Prince and Janis Joplin and George Michael, Elton John, so many artists her eyes glazed over. But then I said, “I really want to know why you feel this way about yourself?”
And she said, “well I look like a boy.”
And I said, “well what do you think I look like?”
And she said, “well you’re beautiful.”
And I was like, “well thanks!” But I said, “When people make fun of me, that’s what they use. They say I look like a boy, or I’m too masculine, or i have too many opinions. My body is too strong.” And I said to her, “do you see me growing my hair?”
She said, “no, mama.”
I said, “do you see me changing my body?
“no, mama.
“Do you see me changing the way I present myself to the world?”
“No, mama.”
“Do you see me selling out arenas all over the world?”
“Yes, mama”
“Okay! So, baby girl, we don’t change. We take the gravel in the shell and we make a pearl. And we help other people to change so that they can see more kinds of beauty. And you, my darling girl, are beautiful. And I love you.”
That video. THAT VIDEO is when I knew I could transition all the way. That it would be okay. That I could be ME, and exist, and be happy, and be loved. And it wasn’t me who was wrong for wanting to live my truth, but those who wanted to hold me back.
And I knew that, of course I knew it. I’d have fought for any other trans person to have that right. But my own internalized transphobia kept me from applying it to myself, until that moment during that concert on that night. (internalized transphobia trans tuesday coming up)
And then… then it was followed by THIS, which is everything I believe with every inch of my being.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAaYPQ_ycfI
A long time ago I decided that no matter where I went or what I did with my life I was always going to be very true to myself
I have always identified with people that struggle
Just being able to help people, that is the stuff that keeps me going
We all want to be loved, we all want to be protected
We’re all pink on the inside
We all bleed red, we all cry clear tears, we all put one foot in front of the other
We want to have faith in our world
I think a lot of women are afraid of the word “feminism” and that’s a shame
I’m not afraid to be a strong woman
This is how you were born
I wish for women to stop apologizing
I’m grateful if I’ve kept one girl from feeling different, or ugly, or unempowered
You have to fight for rights, respect, and love, and compassion
And you have to be willing to die for it
With all the strife and economic woes in the world, religious intolerance, global warming… it boggles my mind that we’re spending time, energy, and money trying to ban love
I don’t want there to be “gay marriage,” I just want there to be “happy marriage” and “lasting marriage”
I think the human experience shouldn’t be covered up, I think it should be lived out loud
I see in other people the truth that’s happening and I want them to feel comfortable being that
The music alone is going to keep me going
I’ve owned and embraced my integrity and I feel like I still have a lot of fight left in me
We’ve been failed by our government. There’s a lot of people that feel forgotten, and invisible, and made to feel less than, unwanted, and unloved. And it hurts my heart, makes me very angry.
I will do everything I can to open people’s hearts, ears, minds.
Because I’m not going anywhere.
I’ve seen change, and I HAVE to believe that change is possible, because if I stop believing that? Then it’s just a little too much for me.
So I have a pen and I write. I write about that.
And that led right into my previous favorite song of all time, “What About Us,” which has touched me in so many ways, and is about how we’re all connected as humans, and how we deserve so much better than our society treats us.
We are searchlights, we can see in the dark
We are rockets, pointed up at the stars
We are billions of beautiful hearts
And you sold us down the river too far
What about all the times you said you had the answers?
What about all the broken happy ever afters?
What about all the plans that ended in disaster?
What about love? What about trust?
What about us?
In 2021, between studio albums, she released her first live album which included two new studio tracks, one of which is “All I Know So Far.” And that song spilled my heart all over the world for everyone to see.
This is the part that gets me the most, just rips me open:
I haven’t always been this way
I wasn’t born a renegade
I felt alone, still feel afraid
I stumble through it anyway
I wish someone would have told me that this life is ours to choose
No one’s handing you the keys or a book with all the rules
The little that I know I’ll tell to you
When they dress you up in lies and you’re left naked with the truth
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xuy-V_3V-4g
I listened to that song on repeat during my run that day. I couldn’t turn it off. It was this cathartic release of so much trapped inside. I was crying. Real tears. A lot of them. IN THE MIDDLE OF MY RUN. I couldn’t stop (listening, or running).
I pushed and pushed and it hurt and it helped and the world was beautiful. I don’t know if I’d be where I am now without that moment during her concert, but I DID get that moment, and everything that came with it, and here I am. She changed me.
She shared her art and her creativity and her pain and her love with the world, with me, and it helped me in ways I can’t even fully vocalize. She helped me transition, helped me become ME. So to P!nk I say thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. Words will never be enough. 💜
And to everyone else creating, no matter what it is, and putting themselves out there, please keep it up. You never know whose life you’re going to touch. We need you. We need each other. We’re all we’ve got. That’s all I know so far.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com
PS – I bought a poster from that concert, and we framed it and it hangs over my desk every day. As a reminder, and an inspiration.
Update 10/5/23
Susan got me tickets to P!nk’s Summer Carnival tour for my birthday. She was playing SoFi Stadium, which is an outdoor venue. We purposefully got seats in the very back row nearest the edge of the stadium and masked for the entire concert once we weren’t the only ones in our area.
It’s a remarkably different experience than seeing her up close like before. No less magical, but definitely a bit less personal. But it was fabulous and so much better than not getting to see her at all.
The last time I saw P!nk, I wasn’t me. But as I wrote above, those concerts changed my life. they made me feel it was okay to be me and helped give me the courage to transition.
And seeing her for the first time as MYSELF meant so much to me.
Thank you, P!nk. For everything.
