Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re getting into two topics! One is very straightforward and easy, the other is convoluted and complex. But they’re intrinsically related, so we’re gonna talk about them together. Let’s get into MISGENDERING AND PASSING.
Misgendering, quite clearly, is when someone genders another the wrong way. This doesn’t just happen to trans people, mind you! It can happen to cis folks too, especially if they don’t conform to the rigid stereotypes of what women and men “should” look or act or sound like.
In fact, if you check out the trans tuesday on TRANS REP IN MEDIA 2022 (in movies/tv) you can see misgendering cis people is often played for laughs. It’s a JOKE, isn’t it FUNNY someone mistook this girl for a boy? O HO HO IT IS TO LAUGH.
Passing is the more complicated issue, but only in terms of talking about it. It’s incredibly easy to understand. If you’re not familiar, it’s when a trans person can “pass” or be seen as a cis person of their gender.
And already you can hopefully see how fraught and delicate that topic is, because you’re talking about the ways other people PERCEIVE us, and that is ALL wrapped up in societal “norms” and implicit biases. See the trans tuesday on IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA for more info.
If you’re interested in the science behind misgendering and why it happens, my lovely friend Zoe has an article for you.
I have gotten misgendered a lot. Most trans people have, and that’s ALSO because of the implicit queerphobia (and sexism, and a whole host of other issues) society imprints on us because we are raised inside of it.
We’re led to believe women and men “should” (I stress those quotes) look and behave a certain way, and if someone doesn’t, or “worse” (MEGA stress on those quotes) is read as a gender different than what we are, we get misgendered. I have a fine (horrible) example for you.
I’m at the pharmacy picking up prescriptions. The woman at the register proceeds to call me “sir” six times in the span of five minutes.
In case you’re wondering, so you understand the situation: my hair was down, and is quite long. I’m wearing ladies’ cat eye glasses, a lady-cut leather jacket (unzipped) with visible boobs (in a bra) under my shirt, lady-cut jeans, and a goddamned purse. My mask is light pink.
And the mask covers (what I feel is) the most masculine part of my face, my jawline. And I’ve spent over TWO YEARS in voice therapy to feminize my voice. WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO? How are you still choosing to call me “sir”?
I do not believe this cashier was being malicious about it. Actually it’s possible she never even looked at me long enough for it to register, and was replying to me simply based on my voice. Which… again, I’ve been working on for a very long time.
Either way, the result is I was specifically coded the way our society codes women, saying LOOK AT ME: WOMAN. RIGHT HERE. And
it
didn’t
matter
And it just wrecked me for the rest of the day. It actually might have been easier to deal with if it HAD been intentional and malicious, because then, while still awful, you can be like “they’re just a bigot and their opinions are all wrong and don’t matter anyway.”
But no, here was just a person who absolutely did not (or did not care to) see me as the person I am. And I’m doing everything I can to make you SEE ME. Please, see **ME**. I’m right here! Look! This ties right into the trans tuesday on CONFIDENCE.
Trans people have spent our LIVES not being seen, feeling alone and isolated in our own bodies. We finally discover the truth, get the courage to transition in a society that discriminates against us and often actively harms us…
And we’re still NOT SEEN. It’s just devastating. It made me feel smaller than I ever did when *making* myself small because of my dysphoria. It was worse. So much worse. It made me feel like no matter what I do, maybe the world will never see ME.
And this is where we dovetail with “passing.” No trans person should have to pass to be accepted as themselves in society. We should be able to just be ourselves, whatever our most true self may be, and that should be the end of it.
But our society is deeply flawed (in so many ways), and sadly it just doesn’t work like that. I don’t think I pass, but I also don’t want to. I’m fine if people read me as trans, because I’m SO PROUD to be trans. Truly.
But there’s a safety issue at play, right? Because violence against trans people, especially us trans women, is an epidemic. Cis women have it bad too, don’t misunderstand, but it’s not the same. The danger is definitely heightened when your variety of woman is trans.
So if a trans person can pass as cis, that can help them be more safe and even more accepted by the cis people around them. If they read us as “one of them,” they’re less likely to otherize us or harass us or worse.
I don’t care if I pass. But if I did, I’d get “she” and “her” and “miss” much more often affirming me as who I am. I wouldn’t get discriminated against (for being trans, but still definitely would for being a woman).
If I passed, I wouldn’t get stared at by so many people every time I’m out, where I can see the gears turning in their heads as they try to figure out my gender (as if it’s in any way relevant to them or any of their business).
See the trans tuesday on STOP STARING AT US (trans people are human beings) for more on what that does to a person.
If I passed, I wouldn’t have my DMs full of chasers popping in to harass me, sexualize me, and then immediately spout transphobic vitriol at me if I don’t respond positively. There’s a whole trans tuesday on CHASERS AND THE FETISHIZATION OF TRANS WOMEN.
No trans person should HAVE to pass just to be treated like a human being!
And there’s the other side of the coin… where if you feel you need to pass because you can’t or don’t want to “look trans” that’s a BIG problem and is INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA at work. Yep, there’s a trans tuesday on it (natch).
As I’ve mentioned before, part of me does wish I was a cis woman, because it would be so much easier. And because of all the experiences as a young girl that I missed out on. But it’s not being cis that I want, I just want a life that’s not so hard and life experiences I missed.
For more on that, see THE CONSTANT FIGHT for the ways cis people make trans existence a constant and necessary fight for survival (by design).
And see THE PAST AND WHY IT HAUNTS US for how difficult our own pasts can be for trans people who transition as adults.
But I AM proud of being trans. It’s who I am, and it took so much work and self-reflection and fucking courage, and I’m proud as hell of all of it. Every trans person should be. I don’t want to hide it. And I shouldn’t have to.
But I’m not here to judge any trans person who passes. NONE of us should judge any trans person for whether they pass or not, or WANT to pass or not.
Everyone has to decide what’s best for them, and even that can be in flux over time, as we learn and change and grow. And that’s fine. Just let people BE.
Maybe what would help is somehow doing away with “sir” and “miss” and “ma’am” entirely. Do we NEED these gendered words? If the cashier at the pharmacy had simply said “Sorry for the delay” instead of “Sorry for the delay, sir,” it would have been no less respectful.
And I also can’t help but think of all our nonbinary friends, for whom ALL of the above gendered words are going to make them feel like they’re not seen. I mean damn, if they go see a show and it opens with an address of “ladies and gentlemen,” they’re already left out.
I don’t know if there’s an easy answer. There’s probably not. Other than simply ASKING someone their pronouns before you begin a discussion with them.
That’s why people putting their pronouns in their bios on social media is so important, because it normalizes it. It’s an easy show of support from cis allies to say, hey, telling people your pronouns (or asking someone for them) is perfectly fine, we should ALL do it.
So until our society, our language, and our lexicon can come up with some better way of addressing people respectfully without gendering them at all… please just ask.
Because that simple act could be the difference between a trans person feeling seen and affirmed and like they belong in the world, or their entire day being ruined and maybe feeling like nobody in the world will ever really see them.
And just ask people their pronouns! It’s not hard, and could mean the world to someone. Signed, the lady who still sprouts wings and takes flight when someone refers to her with “she” or “her” or “hey you tall buff lady.” 💜
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com