Welcome to #TransTuesday! I’ve put this one off for actual years because I just didn’t feel able to discuss it. But now I do! Maybe? I dunno, let’s find out together as we talk FINDING OUR TRANS STYLE.
For trans people who transition as adults, figuring out our style is something of a giant puzzle. Well, I presume there are some lucky trans folks who thought their style would be X, they transitioned and tried on X and it was perfect magic happy land.
But it certainly wasn’t that way for me. And I imagine trans kids in welcoming environments who can socially transition at home go through something similar (though depending on how early they know, they may luckily spend most of their lives without this issue).
Every person goes through different phases or eras of style in their life. Our thoughts and opinions and tastes change throughout our lives, so changing the way you want to present yourself and your hair, clothes, shoes, and more are constantly evolving. Makes sense.
But for some of us trans folks who transition as adults, we’re basically starting from scratch. Getting to choose the clothes I actually WANTED for the first time in my life was overwhelming, especially transitioning from traditionally male-flavored clothing to traditionally female-flavored.
The options were just unending. And while women’s clothing has a whole HOST of issues, variety and choice isn’t one of them. But it definitely is for men’s clothing, and if you’d like more info on that see the trans tuesday on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHING AND TRANS PEOPLE.
So before I began my social transition (which I knew was coming at a certain date, which I’ve talked about before), I spent hours, DAYS probably just browsing women’s clothes online. Trying to find out what I’d want to wear, what was or wasn’t available in my sizes, and so on.
And when I started buying them, I was just throwing everything at the wall to see what would stick. I mean there was stuff I knew I had absolutely no interest in wearing, but there was a lot of stuff I just wasn’t sure about, or was intrigued by. But I had no frame of reference.
So I just got the stuff I liked and hoped all would be well.
All was not well!
I mean it was nothing catastrophic, but I had no idea how difficult it would be.
And one of the big reasons was that I was (still!) having difficulty separating clothes I thought women looked great in from clothes *I* would look great in, or that I WANTED to wear. Which is absolutely 100% part of the trans tuesday on SEXUALITY IS NOT GENDER.
You can see right in there that I thought my remarkable affinity for bows was in seeing them on women. Which it is! But also a VERY deep part of that was my own subconscious desires to be the one wearing them.
And also, okay look, women’s clothes are designed with cis women in mind. I think I talked about this a bit back in the trans tuesday on clothes, but I had to buy extra big women’s jeans so that there was, uh, enough room in the crotch for equipment cis ladies don’t have.
Over time and as HRT changed things and my tucking shifted, I was able to size them down to what’s actually appropriate for my waist. If you need a refresher on HRT.
And if you need a refresher on TUCKING AND BINDING.
And you can see me talking about the way tucking changed for me in the trans tuesday on TRANS FREEDOM (and underwear).
But for a long time I… just didn’t have any hips. I have some small ones now, which I talked a bit about in my THREE YEARS OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN.
But I still don’t really have much of a butt. So my jeans are often a little baggy back there. And skirts! Okay so I got skirts I really like but gueesssssss what? Many cuts and styles are MADE FOR CIS WOMEN WHO HAVE HIPS.
And so, without much in the way of hips to speak of, they looked TERRIBLE on me. They accentuated just how little-to-no hips I had.
But then I learned about A-line skirts and swing dresses, and to the ladies out there (trans or cis) without much in the way of hips, those are built to flare out at the waist and so they make it look like you DO have hips! That was a game-changer.
So I’m going through all these clothes I had, trying to figure out what I liked for ME and not just seeing other women in, and what also looked GOOD on me with my body type and shape. And THEN I had to figure out what style of THOSE things I liked.
There’s a running gag among some folks about how trans women (especially those who are newly out) have ZERO fashion sense or style, but like… THIS IS WHY. We have to figure it all out, and cis women get their whole lives to do that! Give us a break, dang it.
And as I’ve also mentioned many times, I didn’t get to be a little girl, or a teen girl, or even a young adult woman. Does a trans woman’s style go through those phases as we experience all we missed out on? I don’t know! Maybe. This stuff is all complicated to figure out.
And do you know what all of that takes? TIME and MONEY. I’m super busy and I’m not rich, but I still have a lot more than a LOT of trans people. Which is a PRIVILEGE that I talked about in the trans tuesday on that very topic.
I was trying to think of the best way to show you my style evolution over time, and I think one of the best ways is with my glasses. And the easiest spot to show you is in my transition timeline photo I posted with the aforementioned three years out and on HRT retrospective.
My pre-transition through 2020, 2021, 2022, and 2023 transition timeline photo
In the pre-transition photo, those are the kind of incredibly understated and bland glasses I had my whole life up until I began my social transition. They track completely with the clothes I was wearing then… mostly utilitarian stuff that was baggy and hid my body.
Anything that would NOT draw attention to myself, anyway, because that was the last thing I wanted. I talked a bit about that in the trans tuesday on CONFIDENCE.
The glasses in my “day one” and one year/2021 timeline pics are the same… a kind of colorful floral print, but the shape is still very gender-neutral (it’s ASININE that even GLASSES are gendered in our society, but the fact of the matter is they very much are).
And so were my clothes at the time. I mean I had women’s clothes, but a lot of them were less overtly feminine. Or were feminine in subtle ways, or even gender-neutral stuff I just didn’t have the courage to wear before transition.
I had a second set at this time, a subtle cat-eye purple wire frame pair. I ended up not liking the metal, but also they felt… bolder, and so I wore them much less often. I wasn’t yet ready for the extra attention I worried they’d bring. They show up in very few of my selfies.
Me in a pair of metallic purple cat-eye glasses.
At the two year/2022 pic, you can see I’d upgraded to brighter cat-eye glasses (and also have a more feminine top on). At that time I also had a pair of blue and white cat-eye glasses, which you can see here.
My glasses in this photo are larger (than when I began transition, anyway) and have a subtle cat-eye shape, and are a dark blue with white specks.
At my last eye exam my prescription changed, which of course meant it was time for new glasses. And I’d discovered my previous pairs were, SOMEHOW, much more subtle than I wanted. I wanted ones that were BRIGHT, that were FUN, that SCREAMED “TILLY!” to the world.
And so you see my very large iridescent white cat-eye glasses in the 2023 timeline photo, and of course the pair I have that always gets the most comments from everyone in person and in every selfie they appear in… my large fuchsia heart-shaped cat eye glasses.
Me wearing my large fuchsia heart-shaped cat eye glasses.
And that has ONE HUNDO PERCENT been my entire style evolution over time. It’s gotten brighter, more feminine, more form-fitting, but also sometimes it’s sporty (again, like the top I’m wearing in the last photo in the transition timeline).
But I wanted that top to be just a tiiiiitch more feminine, which the lace from my bra peeking out accomplished nicely! It’s all a game of adjustments.
Some of my difficulty was in figuring out if I wanted to be girly or badass, feminine or sporty. And long-time readers? I know you’ve already spotted what happened to me, haven’t you?
Because what I discovered in trying to unravel all of this was that, despite being fully aware of its existence, THE FALSE DICHOTOMY had again ensnared me. See the trans tuesday on it for more info.
Of COURSE I don’t have to be girly OR badass, I don’t have to be feminine OR sporty. I can be ALL OF IT ANY TIME I WANT. Which means I can have these very attention-getting girly boots…
Me wearing a pair of white platform boots that have four buckles up the front, and the center of each buckle is an iridescent metal heart.
But I can ALSO have these boots that are great for kicking someone’s ass in a sci-fi movie!
Me in a pair of chunky black motorcycle boots with four side buckles that truly look like something out of a sci-fi film
And sometimes I can be girly and feminine and badass and sporty all at once!
A shot of my hand showing off bright iridescent nail polish, but also on my hand is a fighting glove, which leads to a bright pink sleeve cuff from my workout top. In the background you can see the bottom of my running shorts over my running tights, and my foot in a running shoe on the pavement.
I know I say this a lot so it’s like a mantra, but maybe it actually should be. There’s no one right way to be trans. There’s no one right way to socially transition. There’s no one right way to medically transition.
There’s no one right way to be a woman, or a man, or nonbinary. There’s no one right way to dress! Your style can literally be ANYTHING YOU WANT IT TO BE.
Don’t let society force you into wearing stuff you don’t want to. And it’s okay to figure it out as you go.
As long as you get to where YOU want to be at the end.
Just be your authentic, fabulous self.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com
ps – why on earth was it so hard for me to realize my clothes could be girly, sporty, badass, and feminine all at once because THAT IS WHAT MY TATTOO IS augh Tilly, come on girl.
My right arm showing my sleeve tattoo: an aged banner with the words LADY VICTORY on it in a kind of scripty font, surrounded by a skull with a pink bow, five pink stars, and many sharp, curving lines.