Welcome to #TransTuesday! On March 23, 2024, my wife and I renewed our vows and got married all over again, so we could have one with the real me. It didn’t go to plan, it wasn’t perfect, and it was the best day of my entire life. Let’s dive into A TRANS RE-WEDDING!
A framed sign that says “Tilly & Susan’s Re-Wedding” with an arrow pointing right
This was something I’d thought about not too far into my transition. I didn’t know if it would be possible, and had no frame of reference for what it would be like, but I knew that one of the best days of my life had been entirely marred by my dysphoria, and I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like to have a wedding without it muting everything into a painful gray paste.
I have almost no gender dysphoria anymore, though occasionally it pops up in unexpected ways, and I imagine it always will. Maybe it won’t! We can hope. But if you want to see what that struggle was like for me, see the GENDER DYSPHORIA trans tuesday.
And, like, even if you ARE familiar with dysphoria, but you haven’t absorbed my trans tuesday on it, definitely do that first. Because you need to know what I was dealing with.
So our original wedding was… look, I got to marry my best friend and the love of my entire life, and that was THE BEST THING. But it also sucked for a lot of reasons (entirely unrelated to my lovely wife Susan).
For one, I was in a goddamned tux, which I hated, Hated, H A T E D. I always always hated them, because suits of any kind are just about the most man-coded clothing there is. I felt gross and disgusting and it made me want to cry.
You can see the trans tuesday on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE for a little more on my hate/hate relationship with tuxedoes, suits, and neckties.
But also, the wedding and reception were in two hotel ballrooms across from each other. They were… look, the rooms were ugly as shit. Just absolutely unpleasant to be in. I’m told the food was terrible, but I don’t remember it (I’ve lost a lot of memories from that day due to all the dissociating I did for my entire life, due to the aforementioned dysphoria).
See the trans tuesdays on TRANS GRIEF for a little more on the huge gaps in my memory from the dissociation I had to do to survive my dysphoria.
But also the entire thing wasn’t what WE wanted, it was what everyone else wanted and expected. Not just in terms of weddings of apparent cis and straight people, but of Susan and me specifically. So getting to fix all of those things, too, was super exciting.
We invited all the people we love and care about (and not people we were “expected” to), and while some sadly couldn’t make it for scheduling reasons, as always happens, we got to celebrate OUR love with the people WE love, and that made it even more special.
There were people at our original wedding that I didn’t even KNOW (and I don’t mean as plus-ones, that’s fine, I mean we invited people and I didn’t even know who they were), so even that change was amazing.
I got to wear a fancy dress (It’s officially now the most expensive clothing item I own), and I loved it so much. Susan looked even more beautiful in this dress than she did in her original one, again because this was one SHE liked and not what she was expected to wear.
But it was supposed to be outside in this beautiful courtyard, and Los Angeles (of! all! places!) rained us out.
A photo of a courtyard with a brick patio and white chairs, and round wooden tables turned on their sides. The ground and tables and everything else is wet, as it’s raining.
Thankfully the venue was able to move us into an adjacent ballroom, and we propped doors open on both ends and got a good crossbreeze to make it as covid-safe as possible, but that meant a worry about if it would be safe ENOUGH.
It meant a ton of last-minute decisions, because this is the spot where the ceremony was supposed to happen.
(Photo by Kim Newmoney)
Me in my fuchsia dress, kissing my wife Susan in a purple dress, under a white lattice arch, in front of green mountains and under a very blue but very cloudy sky. The ground is wet.
Look how wet the ground is. Look how cloudy that sky is. We were luckily able to snap some photos outside between bouts of rain, but we couldn’t have the ceremony and reception out there. You can see it was giving me feelings as soon as we’d gotten home.
A BlueSky post I made as soon as we were home from our re-wedding that reads:
We are home
It didn’t go to plan
It didn’t matter
It was the single greatest day of my life
@susanlbridges.bsky.social, you and me babe
Until the world blows up
It meant all the gorgeous flowers we paid a florist to decorate that lattice arch with had to go somewhere else… somehow. But they did a tremendous job making a little ceremony space out of them! (initially the purple ones that matched Susan’s dress and bouquet were to go on the left side of the lattice, where I’d stand, and the pink ones that matched my dress and bouquet would go on the right side of the lattice, where she’d stand).
A large grouping of purple/earth tone flowers on the floor of a ballroom, artfully arranged on the left, across from a large grouping of pink flowers on the right. Behind them in a very large window with a palm tree outside it, and behind that you can see green mountains and the valley behind it.
The DJ had to find a spot to fit into the new ballroom. All the food stations we had paid for had to somehow fit in there too, along with enough tables to seat everyone. And a space to do the ceremony. And a “dance floor,” that there really was no space for. And some of the food was… not what we’d been told it would be, which I’m less than thrilled about.
But like so many things in life, nothing’s perfect, right? I mean, it was and is the most perfect, best day of my life, but stuff still wasn’t exactly the way we wanted it. But then what is?
But it was filled with so much love, and joy, and it was so PERFECTLY US, I can’t be anything but thrilled with it. We even had a bouquet duel, and if that ain’t US I don’t know what is.
My wife Susan and me, in our re-wedding dresses, attacking each other with our bouquets as if they were weapons. (Photo by Kim Newmoney)
Okay Tilly, enough of that, let’s get on with it already. During our original wedding, from what memories I do have… it’s so hard to describe. Here was the most amazing woman in the world, and she was telling the world she loved me so much she wanted to be with me forever. And I was doing the same, and oh my god that was the most amazing thing.
But on top of the tux, I was now being called a “husband” and I’m pretty sure the officiant said to Susan, “do you take this man to be…” and it killed me. IT KILLED ME. It was so INCREDIBLY man-coded in every way, as “traditional” cishet weddings are.
So the best day of my life, to that point, was also completely horrible, and painful, and sent me into a twenty foot hole and covered me over with concrete.
I’ve talked before how PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS can be so tough for trans people, because we never see ourselves in them pre-transition. See that trans tuesday for more.
And if you want to see when, around two and half years into my transition, they suddenly got better when my face changed enough from hormone replacement therapy, see the trans tuesday on PHOTOS 2, aka THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE.
I’m to the point now where even photos other people take of me I often like, though not always. But they don’t usually spike my dysphoria, I just think they’re bad photos (and people should honestly only post the good photos of me they take, come on, that’s just science).
And I’m talking about photos here because I think the best way to show you the difference in ME, from original dysphoria wedding to post-transition euphoria wedding…. Is to actually SHOW you. So here we go.
I mentioned in the trans tuesday on PHOTOS how I had a wedding photo on my dresser, and I see it every day of my life, but that’s not ME in it, and it reminds me of our wedding (yay) but also how much pain I was in (boo). Well, here’s the “me” from that photo:
A very sad “man” in a tuxedo, with a plastered-on fake smile and very dead eyes.
Look at those dead eyes. That very obviously super fake smile. And this was the one photo from the entire day I LIKED ENOUGH TO PUT ON DISPLAY. It makes me feel terrible just looking at it. Is that photo fooling anyone? Would ANYONE look at that and say “that guy looks so happy?”
You can see where I cut myself shaving on my chin, because for that day, I shaved closer than I EVER had in my life (to that point). I didn’t want ANY stubble whatsoever anywhere on my face for this day, whereas usually I avoided shaving because the act gave me dysphoria (but so did having facial hair). It’s almost as if, subconsciously, I knew that any stubble or facial hair COMBINED with the tux would be so much dysphoria it’d do me in and I wouldn’t be able to handle it, huh?
I couldn’t have told you it was gender dysphoria at the time, but that’s what all of it was and I literally only made that connection to WHY I shaved so damned ultra-close that day RIGHT NOW. Ha ha, there were no signs, right?
Yes there were, of course there were… thousands. Yes, there’s a trans tuesday on THE SIGNS WERE ALWAYS THERE.
Okay so there’s a candid shot of me from our re-wedding that I love. I adore it with all my heart. It’s not the one where I look the prettiest, or super stunning or anything. It’s because I CAN SEE MY JOY. I can see the LIFE AND LIGHT in my eyes. And I’m looking at Susan, the love of my life, right after our first dance after the ceremony. Look at it. LOOK AT THE DIFFERENCE.
A very, very happy Tilly, doing something strange with my arms (I have no idea what), but my face is SO full of love and joy it makes me wanna fly. (Photo by Kim Newmoney) (my makeup by Diana Mendoza)
We danced to ALL I KNOW SO FAR, by P!nk, which may be the most beautiful song ever written (this is my essay, I get to decide so SHUT UP OKAY). And i sang every word of it to her as I looked into her eyes, and did my best not to cry and ruin the expensive makeup I paid a very nice pro makeup artist to come and do for me.
And if you don’t know what P!nk has meant to me and my transition, oh yeah, there’s a trans tuesday about her and FINDING OUR OWN REPRESENTATION (P!nk).
The difference in those two photos blows my entire fluffy mind. That’s how I SHOULD have felt the first time we got married, and now I actually got to, and it was legit the best feeling in the world.
I was so happy, and so free, and so much MYSELF than I was at the first one. Like, I never used to dance. Ever. For anything. At our original wedding I did the first dance with Susan and nothing more, and I had not danced at all in public since. Not even once.
Because I didn’t want attention, I couldn’t stand the thought of people looking at me, seeing the false shell, forcing me to play the part I didn’t know how to play, didn’t want to play, and that wounded me to the core.
And yeah… I danced. Every second that I felt like it, which was often. There’s even photographic proof.
Me dancing, ALONE, at our re-wedding. (Photo by Kim Newmoney) (my makeup by Diana Mendoza)
Unfortunately, possibly due to there being no actual dance floor, basically nobody else danced at our re-wedding, and certainly nobody else danced with me. It was kinda sad! But I danced anyway.
We told the DJ to only play a custom playlist that I made myself, and it was filled with straight bangers (I was so surprised that a lot of people? Said they loved the music? Without even knowing it was all my doing? That’s so cool!)
If you’d like to see the custom playlist I made, here you go! The DJ asked us to divide it into MUST PLAY and PLAY IF POSSIBLE, and to include at least 140 songs (because they don’t play entire songs and mix between, as DJs do).
Also, look how good I look in this one. C’mon. C’MON! Eeeee!
A shot of me outside the venue, from a little below, waist-up, showing off my dress and matching glasses and flower in my hair and they even match the pink stars in my tattoo! (Photo by Kim Newmoney) (my makeup by Diana Mendoza)
There’s one other song I want to mention specifically by name, and it relates to my finally feeling free enough to dance in public, but we’ll come back to that in a bit.
One of our dearest life-long friends brought her husband, who we’d only met once before (we live far apart), and he asked her what I was like. She told me that she told him that I was incredibly quiet and reserved, until I really got to know you and would open up, but that took a very long time. And this was midway through our re-wedding, where I’d been dancing and smiling and having the time of my life, in public, in front of everyone I love (and I’m not REMOTELY quiet or “shy” anymore)… so she told me “it seems I was operating on old information.”
A clearer picture of the changes transition has brought to my life you may never find! See the trans tuesday on CONFIDENCE and how I’m now not only fine with being noticed and taking up space, I ACTUALLY LIKE IT. I’m done making myself small. For any reason.
If you didn’t know, Susan and I met online writing Star Trek fanfic when we were wee babies, because we are giant nerds and both love Trek the most and we’re writers, and honestly nothing could be more perfect or more us.
And we wanted to reflect that in our re-wedding. So our guestbook was a selection of over a hundred Star Trek postcards, spanning all the shows, people could write messages on and drop in our Subspace Communications box (which was decorated with laminated pics of Star Trek romances!)
A holo-foil box that says “subspace communications” with pictures of Mariner and Jennifer, Picard and Crusher, Dax and Worf, and Picard and Crusher
A holo-foil box with photos of Sisko and Yates, Adira and Gray, Culber and Stamets, Riker and Troi, and Bashir and Garak
A holo-foil box with pictures of Odo and Kira, Seven and Raffi, Miles and Keiko, Burnham and Book, and Torres and Paris
Our wedding favor bags were in the Star Trek division colors, and had Federation insignias on the back! (the inside had typewriter keys turned into magnets that spelled L O V E, italian wedding almonds, and a raffle ticket!)
An instructional plaque in the LCARS design that says:
GUESTBOOK: Please write a message on a postcard, sign it, and place it in the Subspace Communications box.
GUEST FAVORS
Choose your division! Red – Command, Yellow – Operations, Blue – Sciences
One per guest! Save your raffle ticket!
Red, Yellow, and Blue wedding favor bags with a sticker on them of a typewriter with flowers, and the text “thank you for being part of our story, Tilly & Susan”
Red, Yellow, and Blue wedding favor bags closed with a blue “Wax seal” with silver stars on it, resembling the blue and white Federation insignia from Star Trek
All the table centerpieces were made by us, and were small tvs with alien plants coming out the top, and a laminated photo of one Trek tv show crew in the front so it was “displayed” on the tv (we raffled these off to people who attended!). We even wrote ten jokes about plants to put on the back of each of them, because we are bananas masquerading as people.
A small plastic old-style television with a picture of the Next Generation crew on the “screen”, and multicolored alien-looking fake plants sticking out the top.
Do you wanna see the ten jokes we came up with for the backs? Sure you do! They were all in the LCARS style, like the plaque photo above, and opened with:
Sourced from across the Federation, and the deepest corners of the Delta and Gamma Quadrants, this selection of xenoflora includes the-
And then continued to a different joke on the back of each one:
Screaming Foliagmus of Abuemsic IV, which emits a high-frequency screech that renders humanoids unconscious whenever left alone (do not leave unattended).
Kelpien Abyssal Rhodohelix, which routinely opens microportals to feed on subspace particles. Storing near warp cores may result in deconstruction of humanoids and destruction of all life in the universe.
Andorian Dandy Violencia, which expels spores that burrow into a host’s epidermis and gestate, causing Violencia specimens to sprout at the impact site. These specimens may then be removed and potted in carbon-rich soil.
Iconian Leafhaver, which winks out of existence only to reappear elsewhere in the galaxy. It then immediately returns, faster than the eye can see. In fact it just did it now, but you missed it because you were reading this.
Mycelial Netspreader, which is attached to every other instance of itself throughout the galaxy via an interconnected network. Failure to tend to it will result in the death of the entire galaxy-wide being, making you one of history’s greatest monsters.
Vulcan Floating Razorleaf, whose leaves will detach with the slightest breeze and float about. The leaf edges are sharp enough to score tritantium, and if handled carefully, can also be used to give bowl-shaped haircuts (do not handle).
Denobulan Bringer of Darkness, which, when angry, can absorb all light within a 50-foot radius, from ultraviolet to infrared. This effect lasts for 4 – 12875 days, until the SBoD’s mood has improved, and has no known counter (do not anger).
Potent Endrunkifier of Orion, whose odor is known to cause intoxication-like effects in humanoids and felines. Do not inhale while operating heavy machinery or piloting a starship (failure to comply may result in court martial).
Klingon Death Spikiferonicus, known for its sharp and arresting appearance, is a very gentle plant that will sing to its owner if it enjoys your company. (but Klingons would have you believe otherwise, to keep all the singing for themselves).
Here’s another of the centerpieces with my bouquet (left) and Susan’s bouquet (right), along with a photo of my dad, who didn’t get to be part of our original wedding in any way for complicated and bad reasons. See the trans tuesday on PARENTS WHO WILL NEVER KNOW THE REAL YOU (my dad).
Two floral bouquets with a Star Trek Prodigy centerpiece between them, and a photo of my dad
We even had Star Trek reflected in our ceremony, oh yes we did, because we used the stunningly beautiful Klingon wedding ceremony from Deep Space Nine as the basis. And that worked out extra well, because that wedding was between Jadzia Dax and Worf, and Dax was so important to me for reasons I didn’t understand as a trans kid (there will be a trans tuesday on her at some point), and also I’m a LOT like her, and Susan is a LOT like Worf, and honestly it couldn’t have been more perfect.
Our officiant was a dear friend of ours named Jenn. Here’s the ceremony, and our vows, which we kept secret from each other and heard for the first time as we spoke them to each other.
JENN: Friends and family, honored guests, Federation citizens, and foolish mortals, I am Lady Jenn, and I thank you for joining us here today. I stand before you as a magnificent human who means the world to Tilly and Susan, and I have to say that out loud because they wrote this and I agreed to say it. So really, that’s on me.
JENN: Before we begin, I would like to remind you that there will be a drawing to determine who gets to take home those very cool and unique centerpieces that Susan and Tilly made. Wow, they really are creative and generous, aren’t they? Gosh. I’m so glad they wrote that for me to say. Your raffle tickets are in your wedding favor bags, hopefully you didn’t eat it along with the almonds.
JENN: I would also like to remind you that you’re all invited to the after-party, from 6 to 10 pm. There will be a food truck with, ostensibly, food, and plenty of booze and non-booze drinks available. But a quick reminder, Romulan Ale is strictly prohibited by the Federation charter, section 99, subsection 3, paragraph 27.
JENN: And now, let us get to the reason we’re here today, to talk of connection, and friendship, and family, and love.
JENN: With fire and steel did the gods forge the Klingon heart. So fiercely did it beat, so loud was the sound, that the gods cried out, ‘On this day we have brought forth the strongest heart in all the heavens. None can stand before it without trembling at its strength.’
JENN: But then the Klingon’s heart weakened, its steady rhythm faltered. And the gods said, ‘Why have you weakened so? We have made you the strongest in all of creation. And the heart said:
SUSAN: I am alone.
JENN: And the gods knew that they had erred. So they went back to their forge and brought forth another heart. And the heart said:
TILLY: If we join together, no force can stop us.
JENN: And the first heart said:
SUSAN: (Susan has asked that I not put her vows in here for the entire world to read, which is absolutely fine, but know they were beautiful and hilarious, they touched my heart AND she got the biggest laugh of the entire thing, which I am very jealous of).
JENN: And the second heart said:
TILLY:
I think I’ve written and re-written this twenty-seven times now, and I still don’t know if I got it right. At first I thought I did, and I was super proud of myself as I’d somehow forgotten what first drafts are actually like. And THEN I thought surely draft five is where it’s at, but then I wondered if it was funny enough.
SHOULD it be funnier? It should probably be funnier. We’re very funny people! As everyone here will confirm because this is our day and that’s the law otherwise you go to wedding jail, sorry I don’t make the rules.
Should there be actual vows in here? I vow to do this and I vow to do that? Gosh I don’t know. This is so hard. I wish I had a writing partner. Oh wait.
And this is what I figured out. This is so difficult to write because even though I’m a writer, I find words inadequate to express the depth of my love for you. But also because I’m writing them alone. And I don’t want to write them alone. I want to write them WITH YOU. I want to BE with you. I want to do EVERYTHING with you, because you are the air that gives me life and lifted me up so I could learn to fly.
So yes, let’s vow! I’m all in on earnestness, and maybe it’ll be good! Anything’s possible.
I vow to be the wife you deserve, which is nothing less than the best in all existence. But that should be fine, right? I AM amazing. No pressure.
I vow to continue to be your best friend, and your writing partner, your laughing, crying, living, breathing, struggling, failing, winning, succeeding, everything partner, every day until the end of time, and then at least a couple weeks beyond that.
But speaking of earnestness, let me really dig in, because when else will I ever get the chance to be uncomfortably vulnerable in front of all the people we love and care about?
I gotta seize the moment to thank you for giving me the space, time, and patience to find myself. You let me experiment, you let me discover, you let me uncover my truth, figure out who I am, become who I’ve always been but never thought I could actually be. And that could never have happened, I could have never happened, without you. I am here, in front of you all, in this amazing dress with THE most fabulous hair looking SO super hot (it’s okay if you’re too intimidated to tell me)… I am HERE, I am HAPPY, I am HOT, and I EXIST because of you.
We promised to keep these vows to a single page, and that’s supremely unfair to me because I don’t know how to shut up. I’m not sure why I’m saying this, except to let me complain about a thing I agreed to. Maybe to relieve some pressure? I should delete this in revisions. Whoops.
Anyway! Here we are, doing our wedding again, all these years later. As the real YOU and the real ME, two super queer and incredibly stunning ladies, doing it the way WE want, with all of the people that WE love, and it is the honor of my life to stand in front of them, and the magnificent and brilliant Lady Jenn, and our fantastic son who we love so much, and YOU, Susan, my princess, to say that you are my light and my warmth and my best friend and my breath and my heart and my life. You are my home. You are my everything.
I will be with you until the world blows up.
And I’ll love you longer than always, and farther than forever.
JENN: And when the two hearts began to beat together, they filled the heavens with a terrible sound. For the first time, the gods knew fear. They tried to flee, but it was too late. The Klingon hearts destroyed the gods who created them and turned the heavens to ashes. To this very day, no one can oppose the beating of two Klingon hearts. Susan, daughter of Italy and Germany of the planet Earth, challenger of repressives and regressives, does your heart beat only for this woman?
SUSAN: Yes.
JENN: And will you swear to join with her and stand with her against all who oppose you?
SUSAN: I swear.
JENN: Tilly, daughter of Wayne and parts unknown, champion of truth and imagination, does your heart beat only for this woman?
TILLY: Yes.
JENN: And do you swear to join with her and stand with her against all who would oppose you?
TILLY: I swear.
JENN: Then let all present here today know that these women are re-married.
JENN: And now there will be smooching!
And folks, if you’ve never heard nearly all of the people you love and care about in the entire world ROAR AND CHEER when you kiss your wife at your real true wedding as your real true self… god damn, there’s nothing else like it.
Also, what I said in my vows was absolutely true. I am who I am, I am ME, I was able to transition, because of the love and support Susan gave me. I talked about that in the trans tuesday on CIS SPOUSAL AND PARTNER SUPPORT.
I’m going to finally close this out with the one other song I wanted to mention. I talked about how some things went wrong with the day, but truly the only regret I have is this:
As our last song of the day, in which the DJ was to encourage everyone there to get up and dance with us (if able and comfortable), was P!nk’s NEVER GONNA NOT DANCE AGAIN.
Because it’s a song about exactly what I’m feeling. About never NOT dancing again. Because I won’t make myself small, I won’t hide. I’m not miserable, I’m full of love and life and joy and I want to SHARE IT with everyone I love in this world.
But also it’s very much kind of a “death before detransition” song, because it’s about not giving up your own joy to make someone else happy, about not being who someone ELSE wants you to be at the expense of your own joy. Because this is YOUR life, and you have to BE YOU and do what MAKES YOU HAPPY.
And since I first heard it, all I could think of was having a giant dance party to it with all of my friends. And so I wanted that to close out this day, and it would be magical.
But we haven’t thrown any kind of events or parties since our original wedding, and I’d forgotten that… nobody stays the entire time. The DJ had instructions to play it like ten minutes before the end of the reception, and by then… everyone had gone.
It played to an empty ballroom, with just me and Susan and our kid, and the photographer, and the aforementioned lifelong friend who stayed to help us carry things back out to our car.
And as this song I love, that was so important to me, echoed around the empty ballroom, I was so sad none of my friends were there to dance with me.
And so…
The only solution…
Is that we need to have another huge party for our anniversary in five years, and all of our friends will hopefully have read this, and know that WE WILL LISTEN TO THIS SONG EARLY, AND YOU WILL DANCE WITH ME AND IT WILL BE AMAZING.
Susan and me kissing in the ballroom, surrounded by all our guests, who are cheering. Outside the window behind us you can see the dark and gloomy skies.
I never knew a day like this was possible. I never knew someone could feel so good, so human and whole, and loved.
What a difference a life makes.
From a sad shell in a tux to a genuinely happy pretty lady in a dress, holy crap. (right photo by Kim Newmoney) (my makeup by Diana Mendoza)
Let’s do it again in five years, Susan. Every year. Every day. You’re my everything.
I will be with you until the world blows up.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com
Thank YOU (yes, YOU) for reading this, and all my trans tuesdays. You’re an important part of my life, too. 💜
A closeup photo of the sticker on a blue wedding favor back, with a typewriter and flowers, that says “thank you for being part of our story, Tilly & Susan”