Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today’s topic is an important one for those of you out there who have (or will eventually have) transgender people in your life: NAMES AND PRONOUNS.
Again, remember that I do not speak for all trans people or all trans women. These are my own experiences, which probably share larger commonalities with many trans folks, but every trans person’s experience is unique.
Let’s start with pronouns, because it’s something I see a lot of cisgender people struggle with, but it’s really very simple if you approach it the right way. There was some discussion this week of “cis” or “cisgender” being a slur of some kind?
It literally just means when you were born and a doctor looked at your junk and assigned you male/female, and you feel your gender is in keeping with that assessment. That’s it! You have to contort yourself into some kind of pretzel to think that’s somehow denigrating.
For more on that see the Trans Tuesday on CIS IS NOT A SLUR.
Okay so if you were assigned male and identify as a man, people use “he” and “him” and “his” when referring to you. And “she,” “her,” and “hers” if you were assigned female and identify as a woman.
When a transgender person tells you their gender and what their correct pronouns are, those are the ones you should use. Now, in the future, and (IMO) when referring to them in the past, before they transitioned.
Because they’ve *always* been trans, regardless of how they presented or if they even knew at any given time.
See the trans tuesday on REAL CIS ACCEPTANCE where I talked about how being invited into women’s spaces made me feel seen.
Pronouns (and names) are the easiest way to show any transgender (or non-binary) person that you SEE them and accept them. The first time I’ve heard people call me Tilly, or use “she” or “her” when referring to me, it made my heart feel like it would explode. You have no idea.
Small sidebar: Non-binary means someone doesn’t identify as a man or a woman. They could feel like neither, they could feel they’re like a 50/50 or 70/30 mix, they could be gender-fluid and some days feel like a man and others a woman and yet others neither. Or both.
Sidebar con’t: It’s not for me to say if non-binary people are transgender or not. Some may feel they are, some may feel they’re not. Their call. Either way they deserve the same respect all other cisgender and transgender people do. Okay, sidebar over.
If you are a cisgender man, how would you feel if people kept talking about you by saying things like “she’s a friend of mine,” “that belongs to her,” etc. Stop and actually think about the feelings that would evoke in you.
You’d wonder WHY they’d keep doing that when that’s clearly not who you are. And realize transgender people spent our entire lives prior to transitioning having to deal with that, and it feeling wrong and possibly even hurtful, even if no ill will was intended.
Choosing to use the wrong pronouns for us is like smacking us in the face. That’s where this dovetails nicely with names, and I can give you the best and easiest way to understand all of this. I had an English teacher my junior year of high school that I really liked.
Sadly I can’t even remember her name now, but something she said hit me like a ton of bricks and is still with me to this day. We were discussing a reading we’d done, and some kids in the class didn’t understand why she pronounced a character’s name different from everyone else.
And she said she was using the correct pronunciation, because she’d known real people with that name. And here’s what stuck with me all these years. She asked, “What’s the correct way to pronounce someone’s name?”
The answer, quite obviously, is, “However they tell you to.” And that’s what it all boils down to. If you had a wonderful Space Dad from France named Jean-Luc, but you kept calling him “gene luck,” how unbelievably disrespectful would that be?
What about people who may be legally named Elizabeth, but go by Beth or Liz or Lizzy or Lizzie or Betty or Liza or Eli or Bethany? They tell you what they prefer and you just… call them that, don’t you? Of course you do.
I know someone whose legal first name is Roger. His middle name is Richards (with the S!). Everyone, my entire life, has called him… Rick. And it’s what he prefers. So what kind of ass would you have to be to know that and call him anything other than Rick?
And I speak of intention. If you *intentionally* call someone anything other than what they want to be called… well, ever had someone give you a nickname you hated? Ever had them keep calling you that anyway? It’s that, only ten times worse.
So when a transgender person tells you their true name, it’s what you should use. And again, IMO, that means even referring to things they may have done with you in the past, etc. The name you knew them by then wasn’t their real name.
A trans person’s old name is called a deadname, and using it is often painful for them as it reminds them of the feelings (and memories) associated with their dysphoria before transitioning. And that’s not to say they don’t have happy memories with you…
…or that they don’t want those memories. Just realize all of them are complex because you couldn’t SEE them back then, no matter how hard you tried. So deadnaming is incredibly disrespectful and hurtful.
But again, for me, it comes down to intent. Are you calling me “Jeffrey” on purpose? Because if so you can fuck off into the sun. Or was it accidental because it takes time to rewire our brains, especially if you knew me by that other name for so long?
I don’t want to hear someone call me that name again, though it’s still going to happen because who knows when I’ll be able to legally change it (thanks covid!). But in an analogy I gave to someone else a few weeks ago, it’s like changing where you keep your keys.
You KNOW they’re in the new spot, but for two months you accidentally keep looking for them in the old spot and it takes time to rewire your brain to remember they’re not there anymore. Names and pronouns are way more important than keys, but still.
We’re all human, and I know it takes time. Just a couple weeks back I accidentally misgendered a good friend of mine. They’re non-binary, and their pronouns are they/them, but I was referring to everyone in the discussion (besides me) and said “gentlemen”.
I didn’t realize I’d done it until later, and I felt HORRIBLE. So you know what I did? I immediately contacted the person in question and apologized and made sure they knew it wasn’t intentional. And that’s literally all I’m personally asking of anyone else.
Slip-ups happen. When they do, just apologize and be sure they know it was accidental. Intent is the key to all of it. You either respect us as people or you don’t, and it’s on you to be sure we know what side of that line you’re on.
If you’re meeting someone for the first time and aren’t sure if they’re trans? Don’t ask! Literally none of your business. They’ll tell you if they want to. And if they do tell you, never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ask what their deadname was.
Sure, some trans folks (like me) would be fine telling you. Or, well… if not fine, it wouldn’t necessarily bother me, though it WOULD make me uncomfortable to say. For others it would be genuinely painful. Why take that chance?
What use is that information to you anyway? Absolutely none. Don’t risk it. Respect them as who they tell you they are.
So how do trans people choose their names? A billion different ways. It’s deeply personal for everyone. It could be a family name, or a name of a friend or fictional character that’s important to them, or literally any number of other things.
For me, I always HATED “Jeff” and switched to “Jeffrey” as soon as I moved out of my parents’ house. I thought it was because my mom always called me the former, and so I wanted to get away from that as she and I had a… difficult relationship.
And that was definitely part of it, but the latter felt more “me”. When choosing my true name, I initially thought about Victoria, but that wasn’t right, and then I thought maybe Vicky or Tori, but those weren’t right either.
But those led me to realize I liked the ending “ee” sound, which of course “Jeffrey” has. And then I realized that there WERE things I liked about “Jeffrey”, and maybe I could find a way to keep those while finding something else that fit me.
So the T in Tilly looks kind of like the J (when the J has the bar on top, anyway), but I didn’t want another J name. I don’t like the J for… some reason. The double L in the middle of Tilly looks kind of like the double F in the middle of Jeffrey.
And the end sound is the same. So I used those parameters and Tilly not only fit them, but as soon as I thought of it I tried it out in my head for a few weeks, and that was it. I was sold. It was ME.
So no, I didn’t name myself after the character on Star Trek Discovery (though I do adore her). And no, I didn’t name myself after the clothing story (though I do generally like their stuff). Did those two things put the name in my head, though? Possibly.
And it’s not short for Matilda or anything else. It’s just… Tilly. I’ve often said House of Secrets is the best comic shop in L.A., and they just upped their game… because look what they put in the file with our comics.
I hadn’t even told them yet! I feel SEEN and House of Secrets, I LOVE YOU FOREVER. Also I got my first piece of mail with my new name. Guess what it was? Motherfucking hair bands, woooo! (had no idea I was going to like these so much, but that’s neither here nor there)
I don’t know what it’s like to just feel your name IS you for your entire life. Have you thought about it? Does your name fit? Do you like it? Is it YOU? Would you like something else better?
I’ll tell you this much. It may have been the most empowering moment in my LIFE to choose my own name, and tell everyone what it was. And honestly, I’m really not sure why everyone doesn’t do it, cis and trans and non-binary alike! It’s amazing. Maybe give it some thought.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com