Welcome to #TransTuesday! I’m finally going to do my one year out/one year on HRT check-in! Technically this should have been done a month ago, but I… had the date wrong on when I started HRT. Whoopsie! Anyway, let’s see where things are at in my ONE YEAR OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN.
I’m not going to reference every past Trans Tuesday post, just the ones I feel are applicable and due for an update. Also please remember that whatever the first year has been like for ME is in no way indicative of every trans person’s experience.
Let’s start with GENDER DYSPHORIA.
It’s interesting re-reading that, and seeing when I was having to boymode simply because of facial hair problems I could do nothing about. See BOYMODE AND GIRLMODE for more.
I still have gender dysphoria. I’m not sure it’ll ever go away entirely. But it’s not as bad, hits me less intensely, and when I do get the really awful bouts of it they seem to be few and far between. Not boymoding helped that a lot.
So have the changes HRT has brought, but we’ll get to that. Most of my dysphoria has always revolved around my face and facial hair (and to a lesser extent my original, very un-feminine torso).
I honestly didn’t think I’d ever be able to get to the point where I am now, which is… shaving every. Single. Day. And not only that, I’m shaving against the grain. Which is… not great!
My face basically feels like it’s always on fire. ALWAYS. There’s never a time when I can not feel it stinging and burning. But doing it this way removes the “shadow” almost entirely, and is only mostly noticeable the next morning, when I shave again.
And the act of shaving does give me dysphoria, but way less than before. I changed shaving creams, I changed the way I moved my hands while shaving, I changed the order of the parts of my face I shave, all of which has made it easier to not associate with how I shaved before.
But I still hate doing it, hate that I HAVE to do it, and resent the time it takes. And again, the whole face-constantly-feels-like-fire thing. But when I tell you I see no shadow after, and my skin feels smooth, and how MUCH that lessens my dysphoria… it’s all 100% worth it.
I still haven’t been able to start electrolysis/laser hair removal. Our insurance does cover it (yay!) but won’t okay it until my testosterone falls below some arbitrary number they set (boo). I suppose that’s under the auspices they think it’ll stop or slow enough on its own.
But… who knows when that will be? If ever? And in the meantime our insurance has decided all the pain it causes me to have it and have to deal with it is something I just have to live with. Which is some. fucking. bullshit.
I’d just go get it outside of our insurance, now that we’re vaccinated, but paying for it out of pocket is absolutely not an option right now, so I’m stuck with the fiery face shaving. And that’s a shitty thing to force a trans woman into.
PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS check-in.
This has gotten a LOT better! I can now usually find photos I really like, that feel like me and what I want to see (well, much more so anyway), without having to take two hundred to maybe find one good one. Now I can find one I like in every 10 or 20!
Which may still seem like a lot, but trust when I say it’s a vast improvement. I don’t despise looking through them, either! Far fewer of them spike my dysphoria like they used to. And sometimes I catch my own reflection in the mirror and it makes me smile.
IT. MAKES. ME. SMILE?!? That alone is just a monumental signifier to me that things are getting better. Mile and miles better. And I think that’s due to HRT, to my hair, to my clothes, to the happiness and confidence I can see in my own eyes now. It’s remarkable and entirely new.
BODY HACKING check-in.
Still running four 5ks a week, still doing push-ups beforehand. I was shocked to see in the original post I was at 170 push-ups before each run last year… because I’m now at 270! But let me tell you something…
My arms barely look more muscular now than they used to. Part of that is not being able to see them as easily due to fat redistribution from HRT, but it’s also because HRT has made it so that I have to basically work twice as hard as I did before to see the same results.
Not hyperbole! HRT affects everyone differently, but it’s had a huge impact on me in that regard. Also I’ve been using the same running app for a very long time, and have probably a thousand activities tracked in there. And look at this.
My AVERAGE pace is one minute slower per mile than last year. And let me tell you, it’s RARE I can even hit that average time. It’s definitely still in the process of slowing down even further. And hitting that time makes me feel like I’m gonna DIE.
Whereas the old average pace was just my actual average… not pushing myself hard at all. And now, to get an entire minute slower, I have to push myself as hard as I can. It’s very frustrating, because I feel like I’m pushing so hard every day…
And then my app is like “this was your 725th fastest run” and I want to scream. There’s really nothing to be done about it, but I didn’t at all account for how frustrating that would feel on a near-daily basis.
CIS PRIVILEGE and bathrooms check-in.
I HAVE had to use public bathrooms a bit now (in the brief period we had where things opened up before we had to severely lock down again thanks to the delta variant) and it is FRAUGHT. It’s terrifying. Even when Susan accompanies me.
I will stop drinking HOURS before I have to go somewhere, and not drink anything at ALL while I’m out, to avoid using a bathroom that’s not all-gender or single occupant. Or if I don’t know what kind of bathrooms will be available somewhere.
Just think about intentionally dehydrating yourself for HOURS before you dare go anywhere in public, to try to minimize any possible harassment just because you have to pee. Please get back to me on how that feels.
PRIVILEGE (time and money) check-in.
I’m still as privileged as before, though I’ve already mentioned how money concerns have held me back from zapping the hair off my face for good. It’s still an issue for clothing and makeup and running shoes (and the tattoo I want!) too.
And time… I sink even MORE time in these days, because doing almost twice as many push ups takes twice as much time. Shaving EVERY DAY takes much more time than the three or so times a week I could do it before.
And I love my hair, and know how to take care of it now, and guess what that takes? I still resent (SO. MUCH.) how much time I have to give up to get through all these things, but again… dysphoria’s worse, so I’ll take it.
BODY HAIR check-in.
I am dismayed to tell you that while HRT has somewhat slowed my body hair growth (I think?), it’s not enough to have changed the hair removal that’s required. I still have to shave and then epilate everything once a week. EVERY week.
It’s so much that my epilator just DIED ON ME. Again, I’m using it 3-4 times as often as it was intended (for most cis ladies), and on like 2-3 times as much body surface area. I burned it right out.
And it takes just as much time to do it now as it did at the start, there’s really no way to make it faster. I resent this time sink MORE than any other. I find it infuriating, and it hasn’t gotten any easier or less annoying to do. Might just be the way things will always be. Alas.
HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE check-in. I continue to slowly build out my wardrobe, and am still trying to find out what my tastes are, and what looks good on me. It’s a slow process (especially due to money). I’ve found I don’t like some things I thought I would, and vice versa. It’s… illuminating.
CONFIDENCE check-in.
I definitely have more than ever, I see it and feel it in myself. I’ve only been around others in a very limited capacity, and in one instance (my first in a group setting with friends), it was outside and loud and I was masked and voice therapy made that untenable for me.
(More on that soon). The result was I didn’t say much, which didn’t make it easy to figure out how to act and talk in these situations as my true self. Definitely more experimenting and experience needed here, as covid allows.
HAIR check-in.
And HAIR 2 (my first haircut) check-in.
I’ve learned how to take care of it SO much better than before, and obvs I do have bangs now, and I love it more than I ever have. I’ve mentioned this in multiple threads, but it’s my favorite thing about my body and I just love it to pieces.
Related to earlier topics, the two photos in that first Hair thread give me really bad dysphoria now, especially the one that appears first. At the time those were the GOOD ones I liked! More on that at the end of this thread.
SPORTS check-in. Which is only because it’s being made an even bigger deal now, as everything surrounding Laurel Hubbard in the Olympics this summer has shown. So I’m just going to ask you to PLEASE READ THIS THOROUGH DEBUNKING OF THAT NONSENSE.
TRANS VOICES check-in. I’m still in voice therapy, one session every two weeks. I’ve come really far and learned so much, and I’m starting to really dig where my voice is going. It’s not as tough now as it was at the beginning.
But I’m still learning new techniques, and am only now figuring out to speak in ways people identify/label as “more feminine” with any kind of volume. The method my voice therapist uses, you learn the breathing and pronunciations first.
And this is why I mentioned above in the Confidence update that, at that outdoor social gathering, where everyone was talking AND we were all masked… it was basically impossible for me to be heard while speaking in the manner I’m learning.
The result being either I had to talk in my false old voice just to be heard, or I said as little as possible. I went with the latter because the former makes me feel awful. But in quiet, low-attendance settings, you can hear me fine. And it’s getting better!
I can’t wait for the day I have to call someone and they don’t call me “sir” without even knowing who I am. Ugh. Again, please, let’s just do away with gendered honorifics, hm?
LEGAL NAME AND GENDER CHANGE check in.
I have the judge’s decree officially changing my name and gender marker. EEEEEE I’m LEGALLY TILLY. And as you may have seen, my new social security card is now in hand. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Later today I’m going to submit my proof of ID docs to the DMV for a REAL ID, and once those are approved I go in with my SS card and the judge’s decree and that should take care of it. I hope! I can change… every single other thing in my life.
HRT check-in.
In addition to stuff mentioned in that thread, and already mentioned today, (body hair growth not really slowing, exercise being even more difficult than last year), there have definitely been other changes.
It’s changed the way I FEEL. Not physically when I touch things, but emotionally. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but it’s… different. I dig it. And I’ve been thinking about this all year, how to describe the feeling, and I still couldn’t figure it out.
So I started saving artwork that, when I saw it, I said, “Yes THAT. That is the way HRT makes me feel.”
And another.
I’ve been wearing the same size women’s running shoes as before, but now… my feet fit in them better! I suspect I’ve lost about half a shoe size. Which is kind of cool actually, as it means there may be more ladies shoes I will fit into.
Height? Okay listen. I don’t understand it. At all. I have been 6’2” my entire adult life. I am now 6’ and 1/2 inch. WHAT. HOW. This is a known thing that happens to trans ladies on HRT, but like… where did that inch and a half go?! 🧐
Breast growth continues. I’d like a lot more. Not necessarily anything ostentatious, but you know, I’m 6’ (APPARENTLY) and would like them to be more noticeable to make ME feel better, and help me be more often gendered correctly. Still hurt like mofos almost all the time.
Oh, and the day I first saw THIS was pretty spectacular. You can see it easiest in my running clothes, so that’s the photo you get.
Did you miss it? Look! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!
That. Is. Entirely. New! I think I first noticed it a few months ago, though I don’t remember exactly when. My sides used to be straight like a wall all the way down. It’s VERY EXCITING! I guess some of the fat from the sides of my torso redistributed to my hips? SCIENCE!
Sadly there’s still nothing to speak of in my ass (ahem). There’s just nothing there. Won’t someone think of the children*?? (for all values of “children” that = my perpetually baggy bottoms in all my women’s jeans and shorts that my tiny little butt cheeks cannot fill out)
I see a lot of difference in my face. Well, to be clear, I think the differences are maybe subtle, but they’re a lot to ME. What do you think? I see it fuller and rounder, and it makes me so happy.
Here’s a side by side with a photo I liked last year that felt good at the time and now spikes my dysphoria, when it didn’t before! Because, to me, I’ve come a long way already. And there’s still so much farther to go.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com