Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week’s topic is one I should never have needed to write, yet here we are. This keeps being a problem so we’re gonna talk about it. Cis friends, please pay attention to STOP STARING AT US (trans people are human beings)
Hi cis friends! Y’know how in these essays I link to other relevant, related essays for more info? That’s gonna happen a LOT in this one. And they’re all for YOU. It’s homework! Please do the reading.
To start with, I want you to know staring actually happens to trans people.
It really, truly happens.
It isn’t some imagined slight.
It’s sadly not even something that is rare.
And, frankly, it’s gotten beyond tiresome. And happens even at entertainment industry events full of other screenwriters.
There was one time Costco where this old man locked on me with his eyes, featuring a facial expression of bewilderment with just a soupçon of disgust, and stared so hard that he turned around to KEEP STARING AT ME BEHIND HIM as he walked on.
So I stared right back. It’s not every day I see blatant displays of assholery, after all. Though actually it is, sadly, because certain figures in current events have made some people think it’s perfectly fine to treat people this way if they’re different from you.
It’s so prevalent, you see it even in THE TRANS ALLEGORY OF THE BARBIE MOVIE.
You see it in THE TRANS ALLEGORY OF SILO SEASON ONE.
You even see in my favorite book in the universe, WRATH GODDESS SING, which is a beautiful, incredible, trans novel by author Maya Deane.
I think a lot of cis people maybe don’t understand the big deal. I want to clarify that stuff like this mostly rolls right off my back. I might have a “why does the world have to be like this” vibe about it for five minutes or so, but it’s not going to ruin my day.
But that’s certainly not true for all trans or non-binary people. Part of the reason it doesn’t bother me much is I have an amazingly accepting home life. I live in a state that respects me, with laws that reflect that. I didn’t lose anyone at ALL from my life when I came out.
You can read more about that in the trans tuesday on MY PRIVILEGE (TIME AND MONEY).
And I talked more about my own privilege in the trans tuesday on THE ONLY TRANS PERSON YOU KNOW.
Spare a moment to remember how often trans people, especially trans women, especially trans women of color, are victims of violence due to the crime of existing. Think of the trans people in states with laws that are openly hostile toward them. For more on that see the trans tuesday on TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY.
Think of the trans people in dangerous or downright violent home environments. Think of the trans people who’ve lost their jobs or homes after coming out. Think of the trans people for whom ALL of the above apply. And for more on that, see the trans tuesdays on THE 2022 US TRANS SURVEY REPORT EARLY INSIGHTS.
And on top of all that we have societal transphobia, and on top of that we have multiple TRANS MICROAGGRESSIONS, often on a daily basis.
Now think about adding cis people staring at us, like we’re some curiosity to be gawked at, on top of all that other stuff, and how that might feel. I just… look, I don’t get it.
WHY would you do this? Oh, you can’t figure out my gender at first glance? Well SO WHAT? What business is it of yours what gender someone else is? Go about your life and stop making us feel like shit. This is, invariably, tied up in MISGENDERING AND PASSING.
Because we shouldn’t HAVE to pass, I don’t even WANT TO, but if I did I sure wouldn’t get stared at like a freak by so many cis people I encounter.
The part that gets me is the sheer LENGTHS we often go to just to make cis people comfortable. It’s going to vary for every trans person how much, if any, of what we do is to make cis people feel better, so this is a reminder that I’m speaking personally here.
I’ve talked about how much REAL CIS ACCEPTANCE can help us feel like who we are.
I’ve talked about CIS PRIVILEGE how much we need YOU to put this bathroom ban bullshit to rest.
I’ve talked about all the time and money I put into trying to make my body feel like it’s mine, at least part of which is also about getting YOU to recognize me as the gender I am (again, see the previously linked trans tuesday on the topic).
I’ve talked about how YOUR BAD REPRESENTATION of us can be so harmful and damaging.
I’ve talked about how YOUR GOOD REPRESENTATION of us can mean so much more than you might ever realize.
I’ve talked about how the TERFs among YOU are waging war against us based on nothing but misguided fear.
I’ve talked about TRANS POLITICS and how important it is that YOU vote for the CIS PEOPLE who will make laws that respect us as our literal lives are on the line.
I’ve talked about the extreme lengths I go to in order to get rid of the BODY HAIR that plagues me, at least part of which is to get YOU to recognize me as the gender I am.
I’ve talked about how THE FALSE DICHOTOMY in society that YOU set up can be so damaging to ALL of us.
I’ve talked about HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE, and having to replace my entire wardrobe, at least part of which is to get YOU to recognize me as the gender I am.
I’ve talked about TRANS KIDS AND THE INTAKE EXAM and having to convince YOU that I am who I say I am, and how trans kids need YOU to protect them.
I’ve talked in TRANS SPORTS about how YOU have to ~allow~ us to compete as ourselves in sports.
I’ve talked about TRANS REPRESENTATION IN MEDIA 2023 and how YOU have to ~allow~ us to exist in our popular media.
I’ve talked about TRANS ROLES AND STORIES and how YOU have to ~allow~ us to portray ourselves in media, and ~allow~ us to tell our own stories.
I’ve talked about how important it is that YOU understand how important TRANS RIGHTS are.
I’ve talked, AGAIN, in TRANS RIGHTS 2 (aka 35 fucks) HOW IMPORTANT IT IS THAT YOU UNDERSTAND WE DESERVE EQUAL RIGHTS.
I’ve talked in TRANS VOICES about the monumental efforts I put into voice therapy, at least part of which is to get YOU to recognize me as the gender I am.
I’ve talked about the hoops YOU make us jump through to LEGALLY CHANGE OUR NAME AND GENDER so we can exist as who we really are.
I’ve talked about TUCKING AND BINDING, and that the main reason I do it is to get YOU to recognize me as the gender I am, and to keep myself safe from YOU.
I talked in BOYMODE/GIRLMODE about how we often have to hide ourselves so that YOU won’t know we’re trans and will leave us alone, and how I did it to keep myself safe from YOU.
Okay, that was… a LOT. And I’m not sure until looking at it all written out like that I realized the sheer magnitude of the ways cis people impact nearly every facet of trans life.
Are you getting the picture? Yes yes, “not all cis people,” of course. And yet the fact remains WE DO MOUNTAINS OF WORK for ALL of YOU, just to try to make YOU feel okay enough to agree to let us be who we are and live our lives in peace.
Let’s go back to the top of the essay, and my social media posts about people staring at me. It happens all the time. Everywhere.
It happened yet another time at Costco. A lady in front of Susan and me in line was just soooooooo fascinated by my existence. Apparently. Susan stared at her right back, and I think she’d have thrown hands if the lady didn’t cut it out. Again, cis folks, that is PROACTIVE ALLYSHIP, aka being an accomplice.
Early on in transition, I’d even wear an EXTRA pair of running shorts under my running shorts, because… I don’t think running and tucking would be a good combo. I was worried YOU might see crotch junk under my shorts, so I bought an extra pair of tight spandex to flatten the area out. And had to wear boy underwear to do it. You can read more about the joy of being able to stop that in the trans tuesday on TRANS FREEDOM (and underwear).
And. I’d. Still. Get. Stared. At. Like. A. Sideshow.
On my runs, an old man I used to often see out for a walk, for years, saw my nail polish one day and turned to stare as I went by, having never paid attention to me before.
A woman tying her small child’s shoe in the front yard looked up at me as I went by. I waved. She stopped moving entirely, just stared at me the entire time I ran past her house.
One time I saw another lady running. Aha, I will do the runner-solidarity wave. Look at us, out here running! Surely she would just wave! Or nod! Or ignore me! She turned to stare. While she kept running down the street. In the opposite direction. With her eyes on ME.
So when I think about alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll I do just to get YOU to not stare at me, to not misgender me, to not deadname me, and this kind of stuff still happens… well it’s not great, friends. And it could be really damaging to people in much worse situations than me.
Don’t do it. JUST DON’T. Our gender doesn’t matter to you or your life one iota. If you see a cis person doing this, be an accomplice! CALL THEM OUT ON IT and tell them to knock it the hell off.
We can’t make our world more accepting without YOU, cis folks. You’re the bulk of society, and we trans people aren’t out here making things worse for ourselves.
I have to believe society can change, because the alternative is far too depressing.
Please be the true accomplice you want to be. Be the accomplice we NEED you to be.
Hopefully you’ve realized by now that we can’t do it without you.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com