Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re discussing how wanting, NEEDING to transition to our true selves can provide us with a seemingly infinite wellspring of incentive to accomplish things we never thought we could. We’re talking TRANS MOTIVATION.
Somewhat related to this is the trans tuesday on TRANS COURAGE, which isn’t something any of us should HAVE to have just to be our true selves, but the bottom line is our society doesn’t work that way.
And very very much related is the trans tuesday on BODY HACKING, though perhaps not in the way you think.
When I talked in the essay on body hacking about how exercise helped me get away from the “dad bod” that gave me dysphoria, and how it was an early and “socially acceptable” way for me to begin transition before I could medically or socially transition…
What I want you to understand is that prior to that, I’d tried for years and years and years to exercise regularly. And I’d always fail at keeping it up. And I know this happens to a whole lot of us, trans and cis alike. It can be tough to maintain.
And I’d get busy and feel I just didn’t have the time, or I’d be tired from *gestures vaguely at the entire world* and just not feel like I was up to it. And then what little shape I’d gotten back into I would fall out of.
So whenever I decided I needed to try to get back into it, I had to start all over again as I’d lost whatever small gains I’d achieved the last time I did it. It was a constant cycle of start, progress, stop, regress. Rinse and repeat.
But once I hit upon the idea of doing it to transition, as a key PART of my transition, I stuck with it in ways I never thought I could. I’m not saying I was perfect, none of us are and honestly perfection isn’t something we should even strive for.
Because if you’re trying to be perfect, inevitably you won’t be, and then you feel crushed and guess what, that can lead to stopping and regression. It’s much better to just strive for being good, and to be kind with yourself.
So some days, sure, I would sleep terribly and legit be too tired to exercise, or I’d have a really bad headache that a higher heart rate made worse, and so I’d skip those days. But each time I did, I reminded myself… that’s okay. You haven’t given up, progress won’t be lost.
You’ll get back at it tomorrow. And that’s exactly what I’d do. And on the days when I just really, really didn’t want to exercise for whatever reason, and it was hard to make myself do it… I reminded myself it wasn’t a chore, even if it felt like one.
Because I was doing it FOR ME. This is what I want, to change my body in ways I need, and over time it will get me closer to who I want to be, who I feel is really me. And I’d sigh and get up and exercise. And maybe I’d run slower that day, but I was out there running.
And now that I think about it, this motivation to transition to the real me spurred me in other ways. Again in that body hacking trans tuesday, when I talked about my women’s leggings and hoodie (that became my cape) and how terrified I was to buy them.
All my life I had this pull to walk through women’s clothing sections in stores, because even if I didn’t have the words for it I’ve always known I was trans, even if I couldn’t recognize the signs when they were staring me in the face.
For more on that, see the trans tuesday on THE SIGNS WERE ALWAYS THERE (that we’re trans).
I could never ever bring myself to walk through women’s clothing sections, much less actually look through what was in there, for my entire life. Until I got to the point where I realized I NEEDED to, to get closer to finally being the real me.
And I was still terrified, sure, but I did it anyway (there’s that trans courage again). Because I got to the point where the pain of NOT doing it was worse than the fear that had kept me from doing it for so long.
I noticed a while back the same thing happened for me with voice therapy. see the entire three-part series of trans tuesdays on TRANS VOICES, the first is here.
As I mentioned in those, gender-affirming voice therapy was the most difficult thing I’ve had to do in my entire life. It is SUCH a S L O W process, and it takes so much work, and for a lot of it, it also spiked my dysphoria to hear my own voice played back.
Here’s the trans tuesday on GENDER DYSPHORIA if you need more info.
And every time I just didn’t feel like I had the energy for it because I was tired, or the time for it because my day was so busy, or the ability to deal with the dysphoria it caused, I reminded myself: I AM DOING THIS FOR ME.
I am doing this because *I* want to, because *I* want the changes this can bring if I put in the work and don’t give up. Because *I* want it to help me find my real, true voice, as part of the transition to the real me I’ve always been inside.
And that kept me going through it all, through two years of sessions with my speech-language pathologist and the year of solo practice after… it’s kept me exercising regularly, four times a week on average, for going on nine years.
And I finally figured out just how MUCH this desire to transition, to be the most ME I can be, motivated me, when my HRT faltered. I talked a bit about the reason for this in the trans tuesday on TRANSITION SETBACKS.
The gist of it is that the estrogen I took was in the form of pills, but the pills suddenly stopped working for me (this just happens sometimes), causing all sorts of hormonal imbalance, backsliding my medical transition, and made me feel like I was losing myself mentally.
The correction for this was switching to injections, to get more estrogen back into my system and hopefully have my body react to it the way it should, to get back to the positive changes I wanted (and hopefully get even more of them).
And it’s definitely worked, I’ve NEVER felt better about myself, my transition, or my body than I do now. They’re working WONDERS for me (and have even kickstarted breast growth again, which is Very Exciting, Thank You).
You can see the trans tuesday on ANECDOTAL TRANS HEALTHCARE for how it took me a THOUSAND days of medical transition to get to needing a B-cup bra, so the fact that they’re growing again is an absolute delight.
But that meant I had to learn how to give myself shots, so I could do it at home and administer it to myself. It’s not cost or time-feasible to go into a medical office to have them give me a shot every week, and that’s just not a thing they really do long-term.
My entire life, I was always in awe of everyone who had to administer medications to themselves via injection. I was sure that was never ever ever anything I’d be able to do, because needles and me don’t get along very well.
But as part of switching to injections, I went into the doctor’s office so they could instruct me on the proper way to do it. And the nurse sat me down and he explained the entire process, gave me tips, showed me exactly what to do.
And then he handed me the syringe and without even a second’s hesitation I jabbed it into my thigh, depressed the plunger, and then it was done and over. He was entirely shocked, and honestly so was I. He said he’d never seen anyone just immediately DO it like that.
I smiled (under my mask, natch) and without even thinking, told him, “I have a singular motivation.” And I do! Because I NEEDED estrogen back in my system, as much or stronger than it was before.
Because the nightmare I’d gone through without it was UNACCEPTABLE. It was slowly medically destransitioning me, and I absolutely COULD NOT, WOULD NOT EVER GO BACK to feeling that way again. It was so hard to deal with.
So when the alternative was losing my sense of self, my identity, MY body, MY bodily autonomy… there was no way I was going to let that happen. I couldn’t. It felt like someone saying, “inject yourself with this now, or else you’ll die.” So… I just did it.
And that’s the moment I realized just how MUCH I’ve done that I never, EVER thought I’d be able to do… all because I NEEDED to. See the trans tuesday on BODILY AUTONOMY (and my tattoo) for more on that, and how my body never felt like it was actually MINE until I began transition.
Okay, so I give myself estrogen injections now, but that doesn’t mean I always do it perfect. Sometimes I still hesitate out of fear and don’t get the needle in as far as I should, and some of the estrogen leaks out after.
And I HATE that, and definitely feel it when I don’t get the full dose. Sometimes I get stuck in my own head about it and it takes me fifteen minutes to finally do it. BUT I DO IT. And honestly i never thought I could even be at this point.
I did all of these things because I HAD to. No other choice. I had a singular motivation… to be ME and never go back.
Never underestimate what you’re capable of, friends.
Find YOUR right motivation and you can achieve wonders.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com