Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re discussing something I never anticipated but was absolutely delighted to discover after transition. It’s another way a whole new part of life opened up for me. So let’s talk about COMPLIMENTS.
There’s two sides to this, and both are actually an unexpected BENEFIT to being out as trans, that I’d never realized would be a thing. So for my entire life, I’ve dug ladies. I don’t mean that I’m attracted to them (though I am), but just… as a concept.
You can see the way this complicated discovering my own transness in the Trans Tuesday on DISENTANGLING SEXUALITY FROM TRANSNESS.
So! Ladies, am I right? The hair, the clothes, I love all of it. And yes, okay, sure, like I said there were maybe some… SIGNS that I was trans that I was missing my whole life. In fact, you can see the Trans Tuesday on THE SIGNS WERE ALWAYS THERE.
I also feel there is actual, real, important value in men being able to appreciate those things too. Well, without thinking that makes them gay or somehow weak, and all that horrid toxic masculinity bullshit, anyway.
But even before I had a name for toxic masculinity, all those years I spent presenting as (and thinking I was) a man, I thought there was nothing wrong with my appreciation of that stuff. And I was correct, there IS nothing wrong with men appreciating that stuff. AT ALL.
HOWEVER, I always felt… I don’t know, stymied? restrained? in expressing that appreciation. As a kid, it’s because your peers (and possibly parents) immediately labeled you gay and an outcast. And of course there’s nothing wrong with being gay, even if it were true.
I mean I AM gay, but I’m a gay woman. Not a gay man. But all kinds of gay are good! Increase the gayness in your life, Try Gay Today!
But for a very nerdy, awkward kid uncomfortable in her own body for her entire life, the last thing I wanted was to be MORE outcast than I already was. So I just kept my trap shut about girly stuff I liked. Repression and ostracization forces people into the closet, y’know.
As an adult, it didn’t take me long to learn that all too often (and the ladies out there can already see this coming), compliments on anything like clothing or hair or makeup or… ANYTHING coming from a (seemingly) cis man is something else entirely.
Because of course it usually means they’re sexually attracted to you or want something from you, or might soon harass you, or worse. I mean it’s basically the same thing as men whistling and yelling at women on the street. It’s awful and needs to stop.
And there was absolutely NO WAY I was going to be someone who contributed to that. Even if my intentions were just to say I really liked their dress or thought their hair looked amazing, I’d just keep it to myself (or talk about it with Susan).
Because there was no way for any woman I was talking to to be aware of my intentions. And if I tried to explain that it’d just come off weird and I’d seem like even more of a creeper.
And I don’t know if I realized that because I’m trans and always have been, or if I was just actually keenly aware of how a lot of cis men treat women (which, again, I suppose I could have been more aware of as I’m a woman, even when I didn’t consciously know it yet).
I’d like to think it’s because I try to be aware of people and their feelings, and the last thing I ever want to do is make someone uncomfortable or upset (am I kind or just… midwestern? I sincerely hope it’s the former but… you can’t take the midwest out of me, either. Ope!).
But I knew the comfort of the woman I wanted to compliment was more important than her knowing some random (apparent) guy thought her eye shadow looked amazing. So to the cis guys reading, if you haven’t figured that out yet, please heed these words:
A woman feeling safe is more important than your need to tell her how pretty you think she is, or how sexy her voice is, or how much you like her clothes or hair or anything else. Really. Don’t force your thoughts on random women. I promise you we don’t care.
This carried over for me even with my lady friends. I might venture to say I liked their shirt or something, but usually only if it had something geeky on it I was a fan of that we could then talk about. Outside of that, I just couldn’t. I was terrified of upsetting them.
ONCE while waiting to pick Susan up from work, I waved to a friend that walked by, and noticed her boots were just amazing. Just like fucking amazing, I’m telling you. And I dug them so much I texted to let her know that I thought they were great.
And then instantly chastised myself for it and was terrified it’d make her feel awkward or unsafe or any number of other things, despite us actually being very good friends. She replied and thanked me and all was well.
But that was enough to confirm for me I should never, ever do it again. It just wasn’t worth the risk. But now… now my friends know I’m not a dude, and don’t see me as one, and so… maybe it’s okay?
I still don’t think I’d compliment a total stranger on something, especially given I don’t exactly pass for a cis woman (passing is a whole other post for… another time), and you never know how someone’s going to react to trans folks.
But that’s entirely flipped the script, because now I’m worried for MY safety if I try to compliment them on something, especially given the (entirely bogus, made up, and completely unsubstantiated) view that the right wing peddles that trans women are all sex criminals.
Anyway eventually I felt comfortable enough to tell a lady I’ve been friends with for many years that she looked cute in a photo she posted. Another lady friend posted a pic from her wedding, and frankly she looked fucking amazing, and I told her so.
Neither of them felt uncomfortable with me doing so. It just seemed like it was maybe… fine? And an okay thing to do?
And honestly that’s something I never could have expected or even hoped for. And I’m thrilled. I love making other people happy, or being able to bring someone a smile, or letting people know I think they’re absolutely killing it at what they do.
And I’m not shy about that with their work, like art they create or stories they write or anything like that. But now I also feel I can maybe tell them if I think their hair looks amazing today or they look great in that photo they’re not sure about.
Annnnnd that’s a side-effect I never considered, but I’m so glad to find it’s happened. It feels like I can connect with friends who are ladies on a level I couldn’t before.
When you’ve spent most of your life feeling like you were drowning and cut off from everyone around you in the world, any level of connection feels extra special.
The other side of the compliment coin is that pre-transition, whenever *I* got complimented on anything having to do with my appearance or what have you… I couldn’t run away fast enough.
And it’s not just compliments in general, because if you compliment Susan’s and my writing, well, you are right to do so and I will thank you very much! (listen, we’ve worked very hard at it and have some level of confidence, don’t ruin it)
But any kind of comment at all on anything having to do with how I looked, even if it was just “hey, cool shirt!” made me want to run and hide. No no, don’t compliment that, it means you’re LOOKING at me and this weird man costume I don’t know how to wear!
I talked a bit about that, and how I always shrunk to make myself as unnoticeable as possible, and how allllll that changed after transition, in the Trans Tuesday on CONFIDENCE. At the time, though, you’ll see it was still mostly speculation on my part.
But I was right (because I’m very smart) and you can see that play out in the Trans Tuesday on CONFIDENCE 2: INTO THE UNKNOWN aka WHAT IS HAPPENING aka A WHOLE NEW WORLD.
Anyway I never got a lot of compliments on my appearance or anything physical, I was an average looking dude at best. And I mean I put no effort into it because being a dude was everything I hated, soooo…
Now, not only is that feeling gone, it’s quite the opposite (which I’m pretty sure is how compliments are supposed to work?). And it’s not just that I’m happy a friend likes something I’m wearing or the curls in my hair or whatever…
But it’s because there’s the added layer of being seen. And not just physically, but SEEN as a woman. I know that they see me as I truly am, and that’s… beyond amazing. See the Trans Tuesday on WHAT REAL CIS ACCEPTANCE LOOKS LIKE for what that can do to a person.
I’m not fishing for your compliments, truly! But I am agog at the realization that I will now be happy to receive them? Instead of running away screaming in terror? It’s a brand new experience.
So, ladies! Your hair’s beautiful, you look stunning in that outfit, and that photo is super flattering! You’re amazing and I adore you!
And I’ve got a lifetime to make up for, so I’m gonna tell you every chance I get.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com