Welcome to #TransTuesday! We all hope for a whole host of changes to come with transition, but some of them are entirely surprising for a variety of reasons. So this week we dive into: UNEXPECTED CHANGES FROM TRANSITION (and a wild story from SDCC 2023)!
First let me say that if you’re reading this when it’s released, trans tuesdays will be off for a couple weeks as I prep for, attend, and then recover from San Diego Comic-Con, which is a monster wrapped in a demon wrapped in a party wrapped in a pop culture comic convention.
This week’s topic is actually one I wanted to write after 2023’s SDCC, but I didn’t get around to it until now. I needed to process it a bit, but also I had to write up the nine-part trans allegory of SILO, and then the year was almost over, and then I had to write up the eight-part trans allegory of BARBIE, and well here we are.
Before every trans or nonbinary person starts transition of any kind – medical or social or even mental and emotional, there are a whole lot of changes we hope we’ll get out of it. Experiencing more GENDER EUPHORIA is often one of them, and if you’re unfamiliar you can read about that here.
And for those of us with GENDER DYSPHORIA, the lessening or disappearance of it is also a big change we’re hoping for. See the trans tuesday on it for more info if you need it.
I personally was hoping that dressing in the clothes I’d wanted to wear for my entire life would make me happy. That growing my hair out would help me find myself. That my journey through gender-affirming speech therapy would help me find a voice that sounded like me to my own ears.
If you want to read more on my journey with clothing, see FINDING OUR TRANS STYLE.
And for more on just what my HAIR has meant to be, see its trans tuesday…
And its follow-up HAIR 2 when I had my first real visit to a hairstylist.
I was also hoping for more than even those things, though. I was hoping for the body developments that hormone replacement therapy might bring… breast growth, hip and butt development, the slowing of body hair growth, facial and body shape changes, etc. For more on my struggles with BODY HAIR, here you go.
I’ve actually gotten so many of the changes I’ve wanted from HRT, which is kind of amazing. You can read about it in my annual HRT check-in retrospectives. Here’s the fourth.
For trans people who need gender confirmation surgeries, the outcome of those is also hoping we’ll see ourselves and feel like our true selves for the first time.
But to my surprise, there have been a whole lot of changes from transition that I never could have anticipated. You can read about some of the smaller of those, and the little ways they filled my life with joy, in the trans tuesday on UNEXPECTED BONUSES OF TRANSITION.
To be fair, there were also some changes that I might have anticipated if I’d been able to stop and think about it for a while. But I was dealing with pretty severe dysphoria, and it made pondering all the surprising nuances of transition difficult or impossible.
One of the things I couldn’t have anticipated, as I’d not seen or heard trans people talking about it before I started HRT (though I’ve seen a lot of it since) are the mental changes that HRT has brought along with it.
I have this remarkable… peace of mind now. And it’s not just from my body finally feeling like me, though that’s part of it. And it’s not just from my voice finally sounding like me, though that’s part of it. And it’s not just from my dysphoria being all but gone, though that’s part of it.
It’s so hard to describe, but the way you can maybe see it best illustrated is in the trans tuesday on TRANSITION SETBACKS, when my HRT stopped working for me and I was horrified to discover the mental backsliding it caused, and how it felt like my very identity was being stripped away.
My whole life pre-transition, my brain was a cloud of dysphoria and pain and misery and isolation and noise, like I was stuck in a feedback loop or something. Actually, when you consider how much our society tells you you’re cis and reinforces that you have to be, “feedback loop” is actually pretty apt.
But just being on the right hormones for me has stopped so much of that. It’s like it lifted this veil that not only kept me from experiencing the world, it kept me from experiencing myself.
You can see the external part of that reflected in the trans tuesday on CONFIDENCE 2: INTO THE UNKNOWN aka A WHOLE NEW WORLD, aka WHAT IS HAPPENING.
I had no idea that just being could feel the way it does now, that I could know and love myself and who I am the way that I do. That this was the real me buried underneath all the dysphoria shit for my entire life. It never ever occurred to me that that would change, or even could change.
And here’s why this topic made it onto my mega-list of future trans tuesdays to write after SDCC in 2023. Due to coming out and transitioning during lockdown of the pandemic, attending that con was the first trip I’d ever taken as my true self. While out as a woman. And HOLY CRAP the difference could not have been more stark.
Before I get into it, if you want more on the difficulties of A PANDEMIC TRANSITION, you know I’ve got you covered.
I don’t know what it’s like to pack for a trip, or experience a trip, as a guy. But I know what those things were like while badly pretending to be a guy, which is all I can talk about.
As I mentioned in the trans tuesdays on hair and, I think, gender dysphoria, for most of my life I had a super short buzzcut. This necessitated no special products, no care, not even a comb or a certain shampoo.
I didn’t care about my clothes, at all. They were simply there to hide my awful body from view.
I rarely shaved, for dysphoria reasons (though facial hair also caused dysphoria, it was a real paradox).
So pre-transition, my packing for SDCC would be to toss a handful of geeky t-shirts, underwear, socks, and a couple pairs of cargo shorts into a bag, grab my deodorant, toothbrush and toothpaste, and… that was it. Like literally… THAT WAS IT.
Do you… do you know what I had to pack last year? It kept cracking me up because it just never ended.
So of course I had to bring clothes, and I picked cute tops and paired them with skirts or shorts that would look nice, and yeah sure socks and underwear. And I had to bring bras now, but that’s not that much more, right?
But hmm, I DO like to style my glasses to compliment my outfits (you MAY have noticed…) so I’d better bring multiple pairs of glasses too, just in case.
Oh wait, my hair requires special shampoo. And hair product. And a blow drier, with a diffuser. Not knowing if our hotel would have the latter, I had to bring that too.
And yeah, I still have to shave, daily. So I had to bring a razor, and replacement cartridges, and shaving cream. This one actually hit me twice, because SDCC last year was right in the middle of when my HRT stopped working, that I talked about in the transition setbacks trans tuesday, which meant my facial hair was growing a lot faster again.
Even my super-close against the grain shave wasn’t lasting all day, I had beard shadow at night. But a lot of SDCC events are parties and hangouts after the con late at night… so I had to do a touch-up shave every night just to keep my face clear. And it HURT. A LOT.
I had to bring makeup, because I like it, but also because you’re well aware of the expectations leveled on women and the way people may judge you (even subconsciously) if you’re not wearing it. But allllso if I’m wearing it I’m much more likely to get gendered correctly, especially when I was struggling to keep my face stubble-free. So it was non-negotiable.
But I’m very farsighted (my stylin’ glasses ain’t just for show), and I cannot see my own eyes in a mirror without glasses well enough to put eye makeup on, and obviously I can’t put eye makeup on while my glasses are on. I have to use a magnifying mirror. So now I had to bring that, too.
I have lotion for my arms, two different moisturizers for my face, and two different moisturizers for my eyes! And special gentle face soap! All of which I had to bring, too.
I also had to bring all of my hormones along (this year will be even more complicated, because I’m on injections now so I’ve got to bring vials and needles and all that junk, too).
And it just struck me what an entirely different experience it was… to go from “do as little as possible because I don’t give a shit about myself” to “I have to do so much to take care of myself because I care a LOT about myself.”
And sure, some of that is going from perceived man to perceived woman in this very sexist society, but a lot of it was also that I just care so much more about myself now than I ever thought possible.
Another weird thing that happened at SDCC last year was that I got recognized, a LOT.
At 5:57 pm on July 19, 2023 I posted:
Sitting outside waiting for dinner at the Hard Rock and already got recognized
We JUST GOT HERE
My magnificent mane cannot be denied
At 4:01 pm on July 20, 2023 I posted:
Heading to the convention center for an SDCC interview and got stopped on my way in by someone who recognized me with a “are you Tilly? You’re awesome!”
WHAT IS HAPPENING
And sure you can say that’s because of my book and tv and comics writing, I guess, but the only reason people recognized me is because of all the selfies I post, which means it’s directly due to my transition… because I almost never took selfies before, much less posted them (yay dysphoria).
See the trans tuesday on PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS for more on that.
Twitter, Facebook, Google doc
And PHOTOS 2: THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE when it all finally changed.
Twitter, Facebook, Google doc
But then there was a guy who also thought I was doing a cosplay? Which I guess technically I was, maybe?
On july 22, 2023 I posted:
Just had an Only At ComicCon experience far stranger than fiction but I don’t have time to write it up atm
For now, I leave you with THIS Only At ComicCon experience that susanlbridges witnessed:
Guy stops me on the street: “who are you dressed as?!”
Me: “MYSELF!”
This is a photo of me on the day in question, in a blue cherry-print halter top with a red border, red lipstick, and white iridescent cat-eye glasses
A buncha people asked me about that other “only at ComicCon experience” I mentioned, and you’re in luck, because it’s finally time to tell that story!
There is so much going on at SDCC, ~~~SO MUCH~~~, that you will literally never see it all, much less even be aware of it all. It’s just not possible. The size and scope of this five day con will blow your mind if you’ve never been.
So on the Saturday of the con, my lovely wife Susan and I are resting in the hotel room before grabbing dinner and then heading to a panel I was on that evening. We’re checking social media, where you often find out more about what’s going on at the con than while you are AT the con, it’s wild.
And we find out there’s some kind of “Paramount experience” down in the Gaslamp Quarter… which is this area across from the convention center that extends a few blocks, filled with restaurants and shops and a bunch of them get taken over during the con for more convention stuff (the con also spreads to nearby hotels and even the San Diego library).
Apparently people are saying they got a SDCC-exclusive pin at this Paramount experience, and it’s from the “Ad Astra per Aspera” episode of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds. (SDCC is filled with exclusive stuff like this, and it’s always a huge hassle and headache and nightmare to even attempt to get them, because they are small in number and a large amount of the hundred thousand attendees want them)
That episode is my favorite in all 800+ hours of Star Trek (all of which I’ve seen many multiple times), and it’s SO transy and amazing. The episode had just premiered about a month before the con, and you can see the effect it had on me:
At 7:03 pm on June 22, 2023, I posted:
Hello
STAR TREK SAID TRANS RIGHTS WITH ITS WHOLE DAMNED CHEST
Thank you, #StarTrekStrangeNewWorlds #StarTrekSNW
Thank you, horgandee (the account of the show’s writer)
It means the world
One day may i fly among you
Together in the stars
All my love always
AD ASTRA PER ASPERA (live long and prosper emoji, trans flag emoji, purple heart emoji)
Truthfully, part of what took me so long to get to writing this trans tuesday was that I fully intend to do an entire trans tuesday or two on Ad Astra per Aspera, and I just haven’t had time yet. And now the SDCC 2024 is here, and welp! Onward we go. But I WILL be writing about that episode, so keep an eye out.
Anyway, the chance to get something commemorating my favorite episode, something that is SO important to me, was too good to pass up. But already despair set in, because we’d just found out about it and the Paramount experience thing apparently closed at 5 pm and people were saying the line was interminably long.
But I had nothing else to do until we were going to eat, so I decided to give it a shot. A little after 2 pm I went out and found the line in the Gaslamp Quarter, and my journey began. As I went, an absolutely bananas story unfolded, and I was texting with Susan the entire time. I saved screenshots so I have the entire thing for the historical record. Come along on for the ride!
This was the madness of the Gaslamp Quarter behind me early in line (it was even worse in front of me). You can see the actual convention center waaaaay in the background.
A shot of a long line and a very large crowd of nerds on a cute street, next to diners on a restaurant patio, with my curly bangs in the foreground
Saturday, July 22 2023, at 2:22 pm, text string begins.
Me: There’s this 11/12 year old in front of me playing Tetris on her phone and she’s just singing aaahAHHHHaaaaahhhhAHHHHHHHHahhhh randomly non stop
Susan: I hope you get a pin!!
Me: Well the line hasn’t moved in ten minutes
S: blurg
Me: I think it’s like the Picard museum was where you go in and just stay as long as you want and the don’t let people in until some leave
S: oh I see
Me: No idea what else is in there
Me: A Shaxs just walked by and it was like someone took his toon and made it human. A+
S: yay
Me: At this rate I am not sure if I will even be in there before we need to eat (side-eye emoji)
S: well okay if that happens I will come meet you
Me: I guess
Me: But I’ll have to give up
S: Jody houser just posted that someone who definitely has covid is at the con today in full Ahsoka cosplay so that’s fun
S: You don’t have to give up yet
Me: No but if you have to come meet me I will (sad emoji)
Me: Also why do people have to be the Fucking worst
S: I know but hopefully that won’t happen! You have some time!
Me: I dunno why my phone auto capitalizes Fucking today but I’m not mad about it
Me: The line moved more in the past two minutes than the past hour
Me: very weird
Me: Now the line hasn’t moved in 20 minutes
Me: This is aggravating
Susan: :/
Me: If the pins are gone I’m gonna be upset
S: I know
S: But at this rate it seems unlikely they could run out with so few people actually making it through the door?
Me: I have no idea
Me: They might not even have that many. The Picard pins were in short supply that year
S: yeah
S: We can check ebay later if you don’t get one
Me: I don’t wanna spend a hundred bucks for it either tho!
S: blurg
Me: There is apparently also a separate line for people with reservations which explains why this is so sporadic and weird
S: that is weird
Me: 25 minutes with no movement now
S: I will leave here around 4:30p if things do not go well
Me: Well they are already not going well 🙁
Me: Love to waste all my time. I mean not that I was doing anything anyway but
S: Not a waste! It’s a chance for greatness
S: In the form of a pin
Me: Y’know I was gonna have a Diet coke at 4! I had big plans!
Me: 🙂
S: I can bring you one
S: I can bring it to you now?
Me: Well I don’t wanna drink it in line?
Me: Way too many people I’m not taking my mask off
Me: So just wait
S: Ok
Me: The line for people with reservations has doubled. They must be for 4 pm maybe?
Me: lol I am never getting in
S: Hmm let me see
S: well there’s a bar in there and they kick people out after 50 min
S: that’s all I could find out
Me: swell
Me: I just want one pin and then I will leave! C’mon!
S: How close are you?
Me: Kinda but again the reservation line is really big
S: Hmm
Me: There’s maybe 30 people in front of me on standby? Can’t really see where it ends.
Me: Me too. And I’ve been here for an hour and 40 minutes and honestly I see no way I’m gonna be in there by 4:30
S: boo.
Me: They just let in a whole mess of people from the reservation line
Me: but nobody from here so
S: Fuck
S: Yeah it’s 4pm on the dot
Me: and they just let in another ton of people with reservations ha weee fun
S: .__________.
Me: YEP SO FUN
S: (melting smiley face emoji)
Me: STANDING IN A HUGE UNMASKED CROWD FOR TWO HOURS
S: (melting smiley face emoji)
S: If you wanna drop out that’s okay too. If you feel unsafe.
Me: I have been next to the same table of bros eating wings for like 45 minutes and I am very tired of them
S: Autocorrect though “unsafe” should be ”insane”
S: lol
Me: Haaaaaahaha
Me: Anyway I might as well wait the 25 more minutes, I waited this long
S: Ok
Me: Hopefully I won’t need to pee until we’re done eating
S: When I come over would you like me to bring a Diet Coke?
Me: Yeah
Me: Plz
Me: I will just need to pace myself with the diet coke
S: Right!
Me: OH MY GODBTHE LINE IS MOVING
Me: it goes up farther than I thought. There were probably 50+ people in front of me. I can see inside tho, there’s SpongeBob stuff all over. Sure.
S: Yeah there is also SpongeBob and other things in there and ughhhhhhhhh
Me: if I go inside I consent to filming
S: Put your sunglasses on and then no one will know who you are
Me: Why would they pass up the chance to get footage of randos walking around, buying pins and drinking?! Gold!
Me: Lol
Me: ……
Me: So they send people from standby… to the reservation line
S: um
Me: LOL LOL LOL they stopped the line
Me: at ME
S: WHAT
S: babe
S: this is
S: an injustice
Me: no it was a miscount
Me: they had room for three more
S: yay!
Me: So now I am in the reservation line
Me: They are putting armbands on us whut
S: um
Me: I have food and drink vouchers
S: The forecast for San Diego says 70 percent chance of rain in the next six minutes
S: Do you have to pay to go into this thing?
Me: There are purple cult members from Yellowjackets I can wait in line for Yellowjackets playing cards
Me: no it’s free
Me: before i wait for cards Imma find the pins
S: oh ok oh I saw those playing cards, I would be too superstitious to have that weird symbol in my home tho
S: you can sleep with the cursed stick person things
Me: Well I am not in line for those I am in line for some lower decks thing? I figure that must be it? But they are doing lower decks caricatures of people in there
Me: I see nothing else trek related in here
S: I saw the caricatures thing online, just ask someone about the pins
S: but it could be the same line yeah
Me: No on will hear me
Me: There is super loud music and a million people talking
Me: Lol some guy working here just said this far back in the lower decks line I won’t make it in time because they close at 459
Me: THIS IS ALL HILARIOUS
S: Crap I’m trying to find out about the pins
Me: 450 I meant
Me: Aaahh! Aahhhhh!
Me: The same guy came back
Me: Because I was still standing there
Me: And he asked if I was going to try to wait still
Me: And I yelled as loud as I could I was just looking for a pin
Me: And he said I got you
Me: And he took me to a corner
Me: And sneakily pulled one out of a fanny pack
Me: And gave it to me while looking to be sure no one was watching
Me: What is happening
S: Ahhhhhh!!!
Me: I could cry
S: I am getting ready to come to you
Me: What a story
S: I’m so happy for youuu
Me: They are tattooing people on here
Me: Wtf
Me: There are bathrooms I’m gonna go
S: Ok
S: I’m heading out!
And, my friends, here it is in all its glory:
A pin in the artwork style of Star Trek: Lower Decks, with Star Trek: Strange New World’s Number One in front of stylized streaking Constitution-class ships. On the top it says “Ad Astra per Aspera” and on the bottom it says “Join Starfleet”.
And if you don’t know what this pin means to me, from my favorite episode, from the transiest episode, from the franchise I love the most with my entire heart… Susan and I met writing Trek fanfic, we were sensitivity consultants for Star Trek Prodigy, and when we renewed our wedding vows with the real me, it was entirely Trek-themed. You can see that in the trans tuesday on A TRANS RE-WEDDING.
Facebook, Google doc, Podcast version
NONE of that would have happened if I hadn’t been ME on that trip. I’d have probably not bothered to wait in line, even though I still loved Trek in my pre-transition days. I’d have never actually talked to someone about it inside because I could not stand to talk to (or be perceived by) strangers.
And I’d have regretted it for my entire life.
And I think, maybe, that’s what all this is getting to… the biggest unexpected change of all.
Life, pre-transition, was nothing but a mountain of pain and awfulness. And regrets.
I never imagined a life with mental clarity and an actual sense of self and identity was possible.
And I never, ever imagined a life without regrets was possible, and look where I am now.
Through difficulties, to the stars – Ad Astra per Aspera.
Who knows what changes await you out there?
Go find them.
You won’t regret it.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com
PS –
A post I made as we were checking out of our hotel at SDCC that reads:
Somehow I didn’t notice our hotel at SDCC had a fab full-length mirror I could have been using for selfies until we were checking out! I missed DAYS of full body shots, I have let myself down (I’m sure you’re all very disappointed, you def don’t get enough selfies of me (upside-down smile emoji))
A full-body show of me in our SDCC hotel room mirror, in a black Monster High tank top and jeans