Welcome to #TransTuesday! Tillyvision has achieved liftoff and we’re headed for the stars in THE INTENTIONAL TRANS ALLEGORY OF I SAW THE TV GLOW, part 2! We’re starting to explore our transness, but have no idea what that means.
Here’s PART 1 if you missed it!
6:56 – Owen: “Are your parents voting too?” Maddy: “No, Ms. Driscoll lets me use the dark room after school. So I’m just waiting for my pictures to dry out.” This exchange is so elegant and brilliant in what it conveys. The metaphor lets you instantly know Maddy is further along the transition path than Owen is, she goes to the school but he’s just visiting. And she works in a darkroom… what color is a dark room?
I know, film is so super old-school, the kids may not know. To develop photo prints correctly, you cannot have bright light and so they’re done under a RED LIGHT (danger).
So while Owen is searching for answers, and is curious about himself and his transness, something within him sees a trans person further along the path and it’s setting off alarms and warning bells within him.
And that’s kinda how it is sometimes when you start to realize, because society teaches you that it’s bad and wrong and weird and gross to be trans, and you maybe panic because OH GOD WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME?
We’ll talk a whole lot more about how those thoughts get inside our heads later on. Because Owen’s going to find out, too.
7:12 – Owen: “That looks like the best book ever.” I mean, there’s his interest in his own transness stated plain. SUPERtext. Maddy: “Do you watch?” Are you trans? Owen: “No.” Incorrect, buddy! But we tell ourselves that a lot early on, even while simultaneously seeking the answers that would prove it wrong.
8:05 – Owen: “What grade are you in?” Maddy: “Ninth.” A Freshman (freshman, perhaps). But freshmen are new, so while she’s ahead of Owen but still fairly new to it herself.
Maddy: “What about you?” Owen: “Seventh.” Still not to the beginning, at grade 9, and not even on the cusp of it yet.
8:41 – Maddy: “Election day is cool, right? It’s like colonial day. Or when they bring the inflatable planetarium into the gymnasium. It’s like the school gets transformed into something else, you know? It’s special.”
This is absolutely key to remember when we get to the actual inflatable planetarium near the end. Because Maddy tells us that it’s about the choice you’re making to TRANS(gender)FORM yourself, and how special it is.
9:00 – Owen: “It’s a kid’s show, right? The Pink Opaque?” Hey, transness is unserious, a goofy fantasy. This was how Owen was initially taught by society to think about transness, and it will come up again. Maddy: “No. No way. Who told you that?”
9:16 – Getting confirmation that Maddy sees it the same way he does, see how quickly he changes his tune. Owen: “I see commercials for it all the time, it looks amazing.” He sees transness in himself all the time, it looks AMAZING. And with another trans person, he feels safe to admit it. Maddy hands him the episode guide.
Look at Owen, sitting against the Fruitopia vending machine, but with his back to it. Close to his transness, but not acknowledging it. And look at the other vending machine… GREEN (dysphoria), and he’s facing it. He can’t see his transess because all he sees is his dysphoria. Maddy is the opposite, she’s turned her back on her dysphoria (which doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have it, but it’s not controlling her) and she’s facing her transness head-on.
There may also be something to the way the Fruitopia machine has such a clear, pronounced reflection, and the snack machine has almost no visible reflection at all. Dysphoria prevents us from seeing our true reflections in mirrors (and photos), making them incredibly difficult for many of us. But embracing our transness can (hopefully) lead us to seeing our true reflections.
More on this in the Trans Tuesday on PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS.
9:50 – Maddy: “It’s the last show in the block before they switch to black and white reruns for old people.” Those are the people who don’t believe in transness and only see in black and white. You will be unsurprised to learn that The Matrix and Barbie both also deal with people who only see in black and white, also known as the false (cis) binary, also known as THE FALSE DICHOTOMY.
Owen says he’s forced to go to bed before the show comes on. His parents are keeping him from his transness, and I can’t tell you how often cis parents do this, often without even consciously realizing it. See the Trans Tuesday on GENDERED CHILDHOODS.
10:32 – Owen laying on the back seat of the car, green lights are all over, but there’s plenty of yellow and even red. Why? Because he asks if he can have a sleepover at “Johnny Link’s house,” a lie, but it’s his link to seeing Maddy, The Pink Opaque, and his transness. His mom says he has to ask his father. He asks his mom if she’ll ask his dad for him..
If you read his parents as I mentioned, his access to his own femininity and masculinity, this is basically saying that to access his transness (see the show), his femininity (mother) needs to get permission from his masculinity (father).
When I was living a horrid painful lie trying to be the cis man society said I was, in order to start exploring my transness, my false masculine side had to relent enough to let me explore femininity, where I found my transness. This is brilliant.
11:43 – As his mom’s face turns toward Owen’s father, it’s bathed in blue. She despairs at his masculinity having all the power.
12:00 – Owen sits at the top of the stairs listening, we only hear his Mom saying he’s old enough and a good kid. His femininity is fighting for him.
12:15 – There’s a dark, pinkish light behind yellow fog, fear is obscuring transness. There are more chalk scribbles on the street, and the ghost looks angry now. Owen’s going to explore his transness, and though intensely curious, he’s mad about it. Because why, right? Why do we have to do this? We never asked for this. Why is this happening to me? (Neo goes through a very literal, vocalized version of this in the first Matrix. So does Barbie in Barbie).
12:27 – Owen walks between the green grass with his pink sleeping bag to Johnny Link’s front door. He’s carrying his transness with him, but dysphoria is everywhere. Sleeping bags keep you warm and make you feel safe, whenever you have to sleep outside of your own bed. Acknowledging your transness can do that, too. There’s a calming sense that comes with being self-assured in who you are.
12:52 – Owen fakes ringing the doorbell (because he’s going to Maddy’s, Johnny Link is just his cover). But it’s important to realize that in order to access transness, he has to lie to his parents. So many of us have to find times and places to explore ourselves away from our own parents, because what would they think? Say? Do?
Every time I so much as explored the tiniest shred of my complicated gender feelings as a kid, my mother yelled at me, forced me to stop, told me I could not, ridiculed me. It’s a very sad reality for a lot of us, and even outright dangerous for some.
13:00 – His mom’s in a pink and blue shirt when dropping Owen off. I think this signifies Owen’s transness IS his femininity, and that makes him despair because he doesn’t know what that means, or what to do about it.
13:23 – Once his mom is gone, Owen leaves, walks over the green grass under blue sky. Dysphoria and despair surround us, the sleeping bag of our transness all rolled up and trapped in the middle. Thunder rumbles. A storm is coming (accessing your transness in-depth for the first time can sure enough feel like that).
13:45 – Owen knocks softly (Maddy also has to hide her transness from her parents), and the rain has started. Now we’re in it.
13:50 – There’s pink on the tv as Maddy talks with Amanda. Owen comes in the BACK DOOR, because transness must be kept secret from those who would harm us over it.
14:27 – Announcer: “And now a brand new Pink Opaque.” The light from tv turns pink, and there’s a green fish tank behind them. Look at Maddy’s clothes and how kind of gender-neutral they are (also baggy, in the way many of us trans folks use to hide our bodies from ourselves, pre-transition). Amanda is much much more feminine in presentation.
Note the looming dysphoria of the large fishtank behind them. They’re both dealing with it, but facing their transness. That it’s right over Amanda’s head, however, is another important detail to remember for later. Also… if Amanda is also trans, is that her name because she’s “a man, duh”? I mean, probably not, but the thought made me laugh.
Owen: “Is it okay if I come sit down?” Gosh that transness sure is interesting, can I… explore it too?
14:39 – Isabel, on tv: “Tara is my imaginary best friend, and I’m hers. We met at sleepaway camp,” Owen is right now AT A SLEEPOVER, and Tara is Maddy. And they’re imaginary best friends, because right now all either of them can do is imagine their true selves.
“…discovered we had an ancient psychic connection.” I kinda think all trans people do. We see the world the same way. Again, reference my earlier mention of the friend I had a connection with and found out later on we’d both transitioned.
Maddy is super into it, but Amanda seems bored. Remember how close her head was to the green dysphoria of the fish tank? Her dysphoria is, perhaps, winning. This is foreshadowing what happens with her later.
“Now, even though we live on opposite sides of the county, we help each other fight the forces of evil,” which is also known as transphobia, both internalized and externalized. Important to note they have to HELP EACH OTHER TO DO IT. This is why trans community is so vital, because we can often see internalized transphobia in each other that we cannot see in ourselves, and then help each other fight it.
If you need more on the evils of INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA, see its Trans Tuesday.
14:55 – As Owen approaches the tv, his face becomes more and more pink. “We are… The Pink Opaque.” We are trans! You are too!
15:02 – We get our first shot of Isabel, the true Owen, walking in a GREEN forest, surrounded by dysphoria, looking scared, in a pink shirt. Owen worries even if he could transition to his true self, it wouldn’t make the dysphoria go away (it doesn’t always, sadly).
15:07 – We get our first shot of Tara, looking very gender-neutral, face lit in pink, and looking UP, hopeful and determined. Maddy’s entire outlook right there… transition is the way forward, to better things.
15:09 – Look at this shot of Maddy and Tara’s heads together, holding hands, with their pink opaque ghost tattoos on their necks. Community, solidarity, together in their transness. It’s showing you how connected the two of them are (and how every trans person is connected to every other).
15:20 – Two guys sitting on a curb, pink chalk scribbles all over the street in front of them. Note how chaotic the chalk scribbles are here, and how little to no blue is in there. Owen’s head’s a jumble, but it’s all focused on his transness.
“The last sprinkly-stick of the summer,” and they’re blue popsicles. Transition can lead to a lessening of despair. “What a bummer. Definition of. It’s not fair, man. Why does the winter have to be so cold that you can’t eat ice cream during the winter?” “You know what I wish? I wish the ice cream man didn’t have to leave when the weather got cold in the winter.”
When despair is all you’ve known for your entire life, the thought of it lessening or leaving can be scary, though that feels counter-intuitive. But it’s all you’ve ever known, and so moving from that to something new (and better) can be overwhelming.
15:53 – Shot of a kid sitting on a blue bed with a clown on it, blue curtains behind him. “I wish he never went away.” Our despair is safe, right? Not in a way that protects us, but in a way that is known. Familiar. And it’s too easy to get lost in it and think that’s all there is, or that’s how it’s supposed to be.
Even worse is that’s how transphobic society wants us to feel, and teaches us it’s normal and no big deal. Certainly not enough of a problem to do anything about!
15:58 – Mr. Sprinkly, the creepy ice cream man, dripping everywhere, holding a double blue popsicle. His eyes are blue. His suit is red. The walls are yellow. Danger. Despair. Look behind him, dysphoria, despair and fear clouding out transness.
We learn he works for Mr. Melancholy (transphobia). He speaks in static, which is what transphobia uses to fuzz our heads, block our hearts, keep us from ourselves.
Worth noting I’ve heard many trans people say their dysphoria was like living with a constant loud static in their head, obscuring and covering everything…
But ice cream is supposed to make you happy, right? And bring you joy. But when you’re living with dysphoria, even the things in life that should bring you joy are tinged with sadness and awful crushing despair that’s obscuring the truth (of your transness, and the true joy you should feel).
The birth of my son, my original wedding with my wife… happiest days of my life at the time, still entirely miserable because I felt so bad due to dysphoria.
Relatedly, now that my dysphoria is all but gone, my wife and I re-did our wedding and the difference for me was night and day. See the essay on A TRANS RE-WEDDING.
16:10 – And so this is where we get a clearer shot of that ice cream truck in the opening shot. The green dysphoria (on something that SHOULD bring you joy) is obscuring the pink of transness. Further, the pink is smoke that’s rising. Dysphoria can set fire to your transness, and ruin any chance of you ever finding that joy. If you let it.
And as we learned from that opening shot, this is the path Owen is on, this is where it will lead him.
Maybe.
16:35 – Owen watching Amanda smoking outside, a large green sign under the window. See how Amanda cannot escape her dysphoria? Foreshadowing.
Maddy: “You can go out and join her if you want.” Owen: “No, I don’t smoke cigarettes.” Maddy has to tell him it’s not a cigarette, it’s a Black & Mild. Because Amanda’s much cooler than that. Or Amanda wants to appear that way, anyway. Which will, again, be important to remember for later.
Look at how both Owen and Maddy are both wearing drab, baggy clothes to hide their bodies.
17:00 – Maddy: “Are you sure you don’t want a ride home with Amanda’s mom?” Owen: “I told my parents it was a sleepover.” I have to maintain the lie! Or I will get caught! And then he lays down under the green dysphoria fish tank.
17:27 – Maddy: “Isabel’s a scaredy-cat. She’s kind of the main character, but she’s also kind of a drip.” Are you listening, Owen? Find your courage, don’t give up. “Tara’s my favorite, she’s super hot, and she doesn’t take shit from anybody. Plus, she’s an expert on demonology.” Tara is Maddy’s ideal self, how she wants to think of herself and who she wants to be, and she’s an expert on demonology/transphobia.
Maddy: “…each episode they help each other fight a new monster from across the county.” Owen: “Okay. Is the ice cream man in every episode?” There’s only one way transphobia affects us, right?
Maddy: “No. That’s just a monster of the week.” lol no, sorry kid, there’s hundreds of ways transphobia fucks with us, and we gotta fight ‘em all, every week.
“Mr. Melancholy is the big bad. The man in the moon. He’s always messing with time and reality. He wants to rule the world, to trap Isabel and Tara in the Midnight Realm. So each week, he sends a new supernatural foe their way.” Important to mention here the Midnight Realm is where Maddy and Owen already are (but don’t realize it yet), the pre-transition waking death we find ourselves in and think is just how life’s supposed to be.
Owen: “Because they’re part of The Pink Opaque?” Maddy: “No, because they ARE The Pink Opaque.”
Owen is confused. “Right. Sorry.”
19:04 – Maddy: “DON’T APOLOGIZE.”
This is the thesis of the entire movie, I think, something every trans person needs to learn.
Society tells us our transness is wrong, and bad, and a burden, and weird, and sick, and awful, and a mistake, and not real, all at once. They make us think it’s something we should apologize for.
DO. NOT.
We are real and valid and we deserve to live as our true selves in peace, just as every cis person does.
19:20 – Owen asks if it’s okay for him to sleep there, and Maddy says yes as long as he’s out by dawn, because if her step-dad catches him he’ll break her nose again. Being caught exploring her transness at home is met with violence.
This is a very real threat many trans kids face. You can learn more about the prevalence of it in the Trans Tuesdays on the 2022 US TRANS SURVEY RESULTS.
19:33 – Maddy turns out the light. When the only other trans person he knows leaves, Owen is left in darkness, with only all that green dysphoria hovering above his head.
20:05 – Maddy: “Sometimes… The Pink Opaque feels more real than real life. You know?” Because the “real life” of forced cisgenderness is living a lie that makes the world feel broken, yeah.
20:18 – “Taper” by Maria BC plays, and the lyrics sure read like a person dealing with their transness and succumbing to dysphoria. Look at this choice bit:
Oughta make my peace and douse the fire
When the night’s so deep it breathes
When the night’s so deep
It tapers every desire
And so then of course we get to…
21:07 – Adult Owen looking into the fire again, contemplating his trans fire within.
21:15 – As Owen walks home, there’s the despairing blue sky, the dysphoric green grass, his despairing blue flannel, his transness rolled back up in the pink sleeping bag… but now there’s some pink clouds fighting back against the despair. Look what hanging with one trans person and exploring his transness has done for him already.
21:30 – We see Owen walking, surrounded by green, fading into Isabel walking, surrounded by dysphoric green, but… happy at the end, and running out of it. With a smile, looking UP, hopeful.
His first time exploring this side of himself and he thought… maybe I can get there, and leave the dysphoria behind.
The importance of this shot is it’s showing you Owen wants to be his true self and leave dysphoria behind. But that’s so much easier said than done.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
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