Welcome to #TransTuesday! Tillyvision comes in for a landing in THE INTENTIONAL TRANS ALLEGORY OF I SAW THE TV GLOW, part 7! Owen or Isabel? Who will survive, who will get buried forever? It may not be who you think.
This is a bad place to start, so for that go to PART 1!
Who would even start with Part 7? You goofs. See PART 2!
Maybe nobody would start with Part 7? See PART 3!
And yet people do weird things sometimes! See PART 4!
So much so that I feel I have to include links to all past parts! See PART 5!
Just so I can be sure you have them if needed. I’m so thoughtful! See PART 6!
1:19:42 – Owen runs home, surrounded by only dysphoria, fear, and despair, and looks into where his dad used to be, watching tv. The couch is empty, because it’s his now. He is going to take the place his father occupied, and “be a man” and give in to the masculinity that society expects of him.
Owen: “After that night on the football field, I locked myself inside.” He doesn’t mean his house, he means he locked Isabel inside of himself.
1:19:53 – Look at him surrounded by that green, looking at/only seeing fear. Note the yellow here is again a barrier, a metaphor keeping him (Isabel) inside. “I didn’t leave the house for days. I kept waiting for her to show back up, to force me underground. But she never did.”
Nobody can force you to transition, you have to CHOOSE to.
1:20:11 – Riding Around in the Dark by Florist plays, and if you think this song might have some transy lyrics that apply to Owen right at this moment too, you are not mistaken.
Eyes turning, light burning
And I’m far from gone
And the deepest feelings
Faces come and go
Owen: “I told myself I made the right choice. Maddy’s story was insane, and it couldn’t be true. But some nights, when I was working late at the movie theater, I found myself wondering what if she was right? What if she had been telling the truth? What if I really was someone else? Someone beautiful and powerful. Someone buried alive and suffocating to death.”
Aw babe. BABE. You’re so close. SO. CLOSE.
Also! Again, A reminder that long before this movie I described my own dysphoria as being like drowning. Which is suffocation, my friends.
1:21:00 – LOOK AT THIS BRILLIANT SHOT. Owen: “But I know that’s not true. That’s just fantasy. Kids’ stuff.” His head is the same shape as the yellow popcorn on the screen behind him, HIS HEAD IS FULL OF FEAR.
1:21:15: – And now, the most important shot in the entire movie.
THERE IS STILL TIME. Look how much MORE jumbled and chaotic his head is now. But look at the end of the street, amidst all the despair, and the jumbled mind holding the truth… he’s ignoring it all and heading right toward fear. It’s still all he can see. Even though the pink message of his transness is right there, telling him it’s not too late.
1:21:35 – Owen: “I work [at the Fun Center] now, restocking the ball pit with balls.”
Like, uhhhh… he’s making sure to keep a good supply of balls, upholding the (cis) man society says he has to be. SUPERtext?
1:21:50 – Owen: “Time moves fast these days. Years pass like seconds.” Remember Maddy said that happened to her too? He’s still dissociating. “I just try not to think too hard about it.”
Yeah, because if he DOES, what’s he gonna realize, do you think?
1:22:04 – “It was time for me to become a man.” OOOOOOF Supertext. “A real adult. A productive member of society.” YOU HAVE OBLIGATIONS, FOLLOW THEM AND IGNORE YOUR TRUE SELF AND TRUE DESIRES.
1:22:19 – Owen brings his new tv inside. “I even got a family of my own. I love them more than anything.” OBLIGATIONS OBLIGATIONS OBLIGATIONS to US.
1:22:30 – The new tv he’s dragging in is an LG, which has the tagline “Life’s Good”.
Jane said this was the production designer’s choice when getting the box for the shoot, and how perfect is it? “My life must be good, this is what society says I’m supposed to do and want and be!” It’s genius. And shows you how so many different people come together to make collaborative art like this, and contribute to its meaning.
Also note the outside of the house: despair. Inside: fear. The house next door: danger. His “life,” such as it is, hasn’t changed at all.
1:22:58 – Owen puts out the fire of his inner self, his transness, his truth. For good. Or so he thinks. But it leaves him in darkness.
1:23:25 – Owen: “Anyway, like I was saying, it was raining the other night and I couldn’t sleep? So I started The Pink Opaque again. …and it was nothing like I remembered it.”
Remember what he said about Maddy, and how she couldn’t be right? It was just a fantasy, kids’ stuff? They weren’t exploring transness, they were just a couple of kids playing around. There was nothing more to it.
And he’s convinced himself that’s all it was, so when he watches the show now, that’s all he sees. Not the truth of it, but some sanitized, flattened, muted version of it. Kids’ stuff.
1:24:04 – Wizard of Oz and Mrs. Doubtfire DVDs next to the tv were chosen by Jane: “This is meta commentary about the history of queer cinema.” SUPERtext.
1:24:23 – As Owen watches it, he’s… wheezing. Again.
Owen, bud, if it’s just goofy kids’ stuff… why on earth are you reacting like you just had the wind knocked out of you??
Because HE STILL KNOWS, despite all he’s done to convince himself otherwise. But this is so important, because it’s set up for the ending.
We know his subconscious is telling him “there is still time.”
We know his dysphoria is still suffocating him.
Will he accept that’s what it is? Will he realize the internalized transphobia keeping him from self-actualization?
1:24:35 – The world spins and flashes. Owen: “I just felt embarrassed.” That’s what society and internalized transphobia want you to feel.
1:24:55 – Cut to the fun center, and what do we have? Spinning dysphoria, fear, and danger, a CLAW MACHINE (if you remember from the earlier song, a heart) that can’t grab onto anything…
1:25:10 – A MR. MELANCHOLY GAME. Transphobia is everywhere, even here, Owen cannot escape it. Note that in the game Mr. Melancholy is fighting The Pink Opaque ghosts. It’s called “Mr. Melancholy’s Midnight Dash, the race for your life.” SUUUUUUPERtext.
1:25:35 – 20 years later, Owen’s (literally and figuratively) still in the same place. Surrounded by despair and fear… but there are some small hints of transness still.
1:25:46 – He opens a box of balls, he’s still pretending to be the MAN society says he is, still WHEEZING because it’s suffocating him. And if you wonder how that makes him feel, uh, gee, look at the colors the balls are… the transness is there, but it’s entirely overridden with fear.
1:25:54 – Look at his lips. He’s stopped taking care of himself, because he feels entirely disconnected from his body and sees no reason to. I did this too. So many trans people do, because we see no reason to. Our bodies aren’t “ours” so why should we care? I talked about this a bit in the Trans Tuesday on UNEXPECTED CHANGES OF TRANSITION.
1:27:00 – During the party, Owen is miserable, finds a spot alone in the corner. This was me at every party ever, it’s Neo in the club in the first Matrix. We don’t want to be perceived as the wrong gender because it’s so painful, we don’t want to interact with anyone because then we have to put on a painful performance of someone we’re not, don’t want to be, and don’t know how to be.
1:27:15 – And then, the most harrowing moment in the movie for every trans person who ever lived with dysphoria.
Owen screams, gutteral, primal. It’s agony, it’s terror, it’s misery, it’s loneliness, it’s a LIFETIME OF SUFFOCATION AND PAIN and NOBODY. ELSE. CAN. SEE. IT. They’re frozen. They don’t react, because they don’t know.
“You need to help me! I’m dying right now!” He sobs.
This is life with dysphoria, not just at work but at home and with family and friends and everything you love, everywhere you go, every second of every day.
You are drowning and dying and being buried alive and NOBODY KNOWS OR CARES (and some, in fact, may be tossing dirt on top of the pile to help bury you).
It tears my heart to shreds EVERY. TIME. I see it. This was my entire life pre-transition.
MY ENTIRE LIFE.
Justice Smith’s performance. The direction. Everything about it. It is magnificent and horrible and beautiful and agonizing all at once.
“Sorry. Ignore me.” Well we wouldn’t want our WAKING DEATH to be a BURDEN to the people around us, would be? That damned fucking Luna Juice from Mr. Melancholy can fuck off into the sun.
1:27:55 – On the commentary, Jane about Owen’s scream: “Come on dude, you know you’re Isabell” “What did Maddy say at the beginning of the film? Don’t apologize.”
1:28:12 – Owen screams. “Mommy!” He’s SCREAMING FOR THE FEMININITY HE LOST, because he gave it up, made the choice to ignore it and give in to transphobia.
He coughs, seems to be choking on something. Wonder what it could be? Hmmmm…
1:28:16 – Jane: “A couple people tried to get me to cut the ‘mommy.’” Devastating. I’m so glad they fought for it and refused to cut it. It’s so vital.
1:28:26 – Owen sits on the floor of the men’s bathroom. It’s the most heavily gendered place in society, only for MEN, and he’s got his shirt off. He’s getting real with himself.
He’s… cracking.
IN EXACTLY THE WAY YOU THINK.
1:28:37 – The sink is full of ugly blue gunk. Did you wonder why is this shot here? What is this? Owen had no liquids with him. But he was choking on something…
THE LUNA JUICE.
He has expelled the final dregs of his own internalized transphobia!
1:28:54 – Owen cuts himself open, so he can finally look deep inside himself. What does he find?
1:29:36 – The dysphoria of URINALS (aka MEN and MANHOOD behind him), despair off to the side, he looks into himself and sees the static!
The static Maddy told him that Mr. Melancholy put inside him to confuse him, and obscure his truth.
He can see it for what it is, and that it’s in there. And if you can IDENTIFY IT, that is the first step to FIGHTING IT, getting rid of it, replacing it with your (recovered) stolen heart, and choosing to…
T R A N S I T I O N
And try to be rid of the static entirely. Look how he’s HAPPY to see it!
Because now he knows for sure. His egg cracked. He’s trans and he knows it.
1:29:54 – Near the end of this sequence, PINK APPEARS WITHIN THE STATIC. His transness is still buried in there, and he can dig it out now that he can see the static covering it. The glow emanating from it even takes on a pink hue.
Also the shape of the wound may, uh, indicate anatomical changes to his body that he needs And neither I nor this movie are saying you need bottom surgery to be trans or transition, this is just metaphor.
1:29:24 – When Owen sees the static inside him, on the commentary Jane says: “A lot of different feelings going on here. Relief, transcendence, horror, peace, self-understanding, exhaustion… having a vagina on your chest.” The egg crack moment is a hell of a thing.
1:30:48 – Owen puts the fun center shirt and vest back on, but… maybe it’s just me, but before it looked like those were clothes Owen was wearing. But in this shot…
…when his breathing calms (he’s not suffocating, accepting himself has already helped some!)… it looks like he’s wearing a costume of Owen. The way the clothes hang, his posture… like he knows this isn’t the end of the road and he’s going to have to boymode for a while yet… but it’s just a costume. It’s always been a costume, but now he KNOWS it’s a costume.
For more on BOYMODING/GIRLMODING, see its Trans Tuesday.
And look at his lips! Before they looked like this…
But now? Uh…. hm, gosh, what happened that suddenly his body is already changing?
Again again again, you don’t have to change your body to be trans or transition (though a great many of us do). But metaphor.
1:30:59 – He apologizes to all the cis people, as transphobia has taught him, and it causes the suffocation wheezing to come back. This is… not going to be easy. Mr. Melancholy makes sure of that.
1:31:24 – It cuts to black, and we hear static. The static Owen now knows is there, covering up his truth.
1:31:26 – And when the credits appear, the static is gone… and the background isn’t black…
It’s PINK! Another Season by Frances Quinlan plays. Are you wondering if this is another transy song with lyrics directly applicable to Owen and where he’s going? Bingo.
Hello, dear
Acquaintance, even
If this isn’t over
What else could take shape?
How will you remember it?
Which, to me, all outlines Owen’s trajectory from there.
This is a hopeful ending, because he knows for sure now, and the static will eventually stop (or lessen), and his transness will remain. And without the static, the Luna Juice, or Mr. Melancholy, he can embrace it and return his heart. And Isabel.
1:36:30 – On the commentary, Brigette: “You reminded me that this is not real life. Like we’re working to access another reality which is our true reality and it’s really painful, but we know it’s true. …that this isn’t real and the constraints that are constantly on us are illusions and that we just have to trust each other.” “I’m just talking about being trans. You just have to be around people that remind you that your reality is real. Because otherwise you’d go crazy.”
1:39:17 – Brigette: “If you bought this for someone to crack their egg, did it work?” Jane: “Yeah, bring this dvd around town, crack some eggs, pass it on.”
There’s been a lot of debate about the ending, with a lot of people seeing it as Owen retreating back into his false cis shell and never becoming Isabel. But this movie was never about him becoming Isabel, it was about him accepting that he is Isabel. And by the end he does.
Jane mentions at 1:22:00 on the commentary: “It was always important to me that ‘there is still time’ was there, not at the very end, but close enough to the end that hopefully it got its message across.” This was exactly how I interpreted the ending of the movie, and it delights me that that’s what Jane intended. “There is still time” was there right before the end scene for a reason.
He expels the Luna Juice.
He sees the static and internalized transphobia still inside him, in a shape very suggestive of bodily change for someone assigned male at birth.
His clothes then fit differently.
His lips/body are instantly taken better care of.
He’s going to become his true self. It’s not going to be easy or quick, but he’s going to get there. Isabel lives.
I know some people see the opposite, that the end is Owen denying Isabel yet again. But that’s part of the genius of it, to me, because it works just like accepting your own transness.
The signs are there. If you’re not looking for them, if you miss them, you might come to the wrong conclusion and deny your truth. But if you look closely, those signs are absolutely there and will lead you right to that truth.
Thank you for coming along with me on this journey through a truly incredible movie. I hope I’ve been able to help you see what I see, to know and feel the truth and beauty within.
To the entire cast and crew, thank you for helping to make this incredibly important film.
To Justice Smith and Brigette Lundy-Paine, thank you for the love and care you put into Owen and Maddy, for the honesty with which you portrayed them and the depth and reality you imbued them with.
And to Jane Schoenbrun, who has given us this beacon of trans cinema, who conveyed our pain and struggle with such nuance and care and love, thank you thank you for showing the world what so many of us go through. And thank you for imbuing it with hope.
I meant it when I said this movie is sacred to me. It forever has my heart.
THERE. IS. STILL. TIME.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com