Welcome to Trans Tuesday! To celebrate the podcast version of these reaching its 100th episode, you sent me tons of questions, and I have tons of answers! Here’s ASK TILLY ANYTHING! …part 3?!
Okay so before I get into it, I wanna say yes, this is actually the third AMA essay I’ve done (and there will be another one next week and the week after, because you asked me too many questions to answer in one episode!).
The first two were to celebrate Trans Tuesdays reaching one hundred essays, and that happened before the podcast ever existed. So if you’ve only recently discovered Trans Tuesdays, or only listened to the podcast version, those are new to you! So check out ASK TILLY ANYTHING part 1 and ASK TILLY ANYTHING part 2.
Initially I thought I’d do another AMA to celebrate Trans Tuesdays reaching two hundred essays, but that happened in the middle of THE INTENTIONAL TRANS ALLEGORY OF I SAW THE TV GLOW deep dive, and I wasn’t gonna stop that to do an AMA and then pick it back up again.
Trans Tuesday 200 was actually THE INTENTIONAL TRANS ALLEGORY OF I SAW THE TV GLOW, part 3, and this essay (and the second one next week, and the third the week after) are actually Trans Tuesday 217, 218, and 219, for all of you Tilly’s Trans Tuesday Trivia Types out there.
But enough of that, we’ve got SO many questions to answer, so let’s get to it! I’m going to answer all of these in entirely random order… some are serious, some are thoughtful, some are goofy. It’s gonna be a good time! Let’s go!
Here’s one that was emailed to me:
I’ve heard you say that “every trans selfie is an act of resistance.” Thank you for teaching me this. It’s meant a lot to me to know that just by existing, I am fighting our patriarchal systems in our society.
I want to ask if you are the originator of that saying, so that I may give you full credit when I share it with others.
You’ll find me saying that across multiple Trans Tuesdays, especially in PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS, PHOTOS 2: THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE, and PHOTOS 3: TILLY’S GUIDE TO SELFIES.
As to if I’m the originator of it… actually, I don’t know. I’ve been saying it for years and years, and every so often I feel compelled to say it again with one of the selfies I post. Because it’s absolutely true, especially now with the surge of transphobia in our government and media.
Simply showing that we cannot and will not let you take our joy at being who we are is an act of resistance in a society that wants to legislate us out of existence and pretend we aren’t real. See TRANS TRAUMA 2: SOCIETAL GASLIGHTING.
I think I came up with it? But honestly it’s also likely I may have seen someone else post or say something similar before I ever did it, and it seeped into my consciousness that way. I honestly can’t remember for sure!
This is what happens when you write two hundred and seventeen Trans Tuesdays, I guess!
Also, if you have time, would you detail some of the best tips you know on how to be actively as well as passively fighting for our rights?
As I said in THE 2024 ELECTION RESULTS: WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE, the most important thing for every trans person to do now, in the coming years, and for always, is survive.
Simply existing and refusing to let them stop us is fighting for our rights. It’s fighting for all of us.
Always, always, always vote for the people who will protect our rights See TRANS POLITICS 2: YOU MUST VOTE TO PROTECT US. Even when it’s frustrating. Even when it hurts. Even if all you can do is vote for someone who’s the least bad, or only half as progressive as you’d like. Every step away from full-right fascism and bigotry is a step in the right direction.
Contacting your government representatives is also really important. Even if you’re in a deep red area, call them on their bullshit every time. Even if you’re in a deep blue area, thank them when they do the right thing and stand up for us.
Beyond that, if you have the time and energy and only if it is safe for you to do so, going to marches and demonstrations, trying to be sure everyone in your life knows how important trans rights are. Call out friends and family members on their bigotry and stop letting it slide. Again, I cannot stress this enough, ONLY DO THAT IF IT IS SAFE FOR YOU TO DO SO.
This is why we need cis people to do even more of what I just outlined, because it IS safe for you to do so, and other cis people will listen to YOU when they won’t listen to US. See TRANS POLITICS 1: STOP TOLERATING TRANSPHOBIA.
But mostly, for trans folks for the foreseeable future… stay safe, stay you, and stay on this side of the ground. And be as visible as the sun (if it is safe for you to do so).
If we’re talking about the general population, honestly I think I’d say the Matrix sequels (especially Reloaded and Revolutions). I think people who’ve read my book likely already appreciate them as much as they deserve to be, but the general consensus outside of trans circles is almost actively derisive.
And, like… look, The Matrix was legitimately revolutionary in so many ways. It changed filmmaking. That’s not something that is going to happen with every sequel, too. It’s incredibly rare that that ever happens. I think you can make a case that it changed the medium just as much as the original Star Wars did.
But The Matrix has a more universally identifiable story than its sequels do. It’s very much about realizing you’re trans, choosing to accept that and then transition, but more broadly it’s about not feeling like you’re who society says you are or have to be. Everyone knows what it’s like to have expectations set upon you that you never asked for, and wanting to break out of those to be who you really are. So cis people can connect with it much more easily.
Reloaded and Revolutions (and then much later, Resurrections) are about much more specific parts of trans existence. So if you don’t know what they’re saying about trans people in the allegory… I think they’re somewhat inscrutable to a large portion of cis folks.
And that makes me kinda mad, because when cis folks declare that those movies are empirically bad, it feels like what they’re saying is “I don’t understand trans existence and therefore stories about said existence are not worth telling.” But then I remind myself that most of the folks saying that probably don’t even realize how specifically and intentionally trans the movies are. Yet it still feels like the core of it is that they think trans stories aren’t worth telling.
I swear I didn’t mean for this to turn into an advertisement for my book, but I wrote the damn thing because I’m passionate about storytelling, writing, and trans issues, and I think our stories are more important than ever.
So anyway, if you want to understand what the whole Matrix franchise is saying about trans people, and maybe understand the sequels in a way you never did before, BEGIN TRANSMISSION: THE TRANS ALLEGORIES OF THE MATRIX is the book for you! (I link to the ‘zon only so you can see the reviews, please do buy it elsewhere… but leave a review for it there if you could, it is sadly still vital to a book’s success).
I think the answer to this one is because we should not HAVE to be brave just to be ourselves. We absolutely do have to be in this world, and that’s really fucked up.
So it feels hollow and patronizing because they’re acknowledging how difficult cis people have made it for us to come out… while seemingly doing and saying nothing about how they’re going to fight to make a world where we don’t have to be brave to exist.
Again, that is on YOU, cis folks. There aren’t enough trans people to change society on our own, and it’s not our job to fix cis transphobes’ hearts. IT’S YOURS.
Maybe stop telling us we’re brave, and instead tell us how you’re going to protect us and fight for us so we don’t have to be brave just to exist.
Well gosh. Thank you, truly. I don’t know that I’ve enabled others to help each other, though. I mean, I hope I have, but that’s not for me to say. But it means a lot to me that you said that, so thank you again.
I just want to help.
I’m guessing by “different” you mean “trans” or “not cis” or “not a boy,” so that’s how I’m going to answer it (though I think I’m different from most people in a lot of ways).
I honestly don’t know how old I was, but I was pretty little… every time we would go to visit my grandma and great aunt, they would let me dress up in their dresses and costume jewelry and high heels, and I’d walk around saying I was a pretty girl.
THERE WERE NO SIGNS.
(yes, of course there were signs, see THE SIGNS WERE ALWAYS THERE)
Anyway, they (and my mom) all thought this was hilarious and that I was doing it for laughs, because of that ol’ “boys and men doing anything feminine is worthy of mockery and derision” chestnut that pops up time and time again. See any of my TRANS REP IN MEDIA reports for just how often this implicitly transphobic idea pops up.
I was… probably 3 or 4? Somewhere in there. But there came a point where suddenly it wasn’t funny anymore and I was told I was “too old” to do that now, because that’s not what boys do.
I was heartbroken.
So much so that despite most of my memories being lost from dissociation due to GENDER DYSPHORIA, that one has stuck through everything. The hurt of being denied the happiest thing I got to do.
Do not ever say there’s no such thing as trans kids. I will fling you into the sun.
Goodness, I have too many. Charlize Theron, Lupita Nyong’o, Aubrey Plaza, Hari Nef, Hayley Atwell, Katy O’Brian, Laverne Cox, Sunita Mani, Jessica Parker Kennedy, Gina Torres…
Listen, I must stop because I don’t have all day.
Michelangelo all the way. I will love the goofball every time.
All I can tell you is what works for me, but writing is kind of like transition… no two paths are exactly the same and we all have to find what works for us.
I love writing. I love writing. But even still sometimes it’s hard to face that blank page. Once I get going… I’m fine, all the way through the draft, revisions, you name it. It’s that blank page that always gets me, and I’m sure (despite all evidence to the contrary) that this time will be the time I’ve entirely forgotten how to do it.
So I force myself to set up the document, look at that blank page… and just write. JUST DO IT. Doesn’t even matter what it is, if I delete it all later, whatever. Once I start the writer-brain kicks in and off I go.
The most important thing I learned long ago, and that I think many “newer” writers struggle with, is letting go of perfection. In fact, you have to let it suck. It’s hard to just let something be bad! But it’s okay, and in fact necessary. LET IT BE BAD. You can make it great in revisions, that’s what they’re for. But you can’t fix what’s not there.
It’s why first drafts are always the hardest for me. Just let go. Let it all go and put some words down. It all starts there. And then just keep putting more words down, without worrying about if they’re good or what you want them to be. Just get ‘em out.
This is the first of several Star Trek questions that were asked, and let me just say I was delighted to see every one of them.
I have a few. Jean-Luc Picard, because I love everything about him and also because he’s my space dad. I learned a whole lot about how to be the person I am from him.
Jadzia Dax, because to a trans girl who didn’t know she was trans, I saw so much of myself in her for reasons I didn’t understand. I learned a whole lot about the person I was and wanted to be from her.
In the modern Trek era, I glommed on to Michael Burnham immediately, and over the course of Discovery she absolutely entered the upper echelon of my Trek faves.
I also gravitate a lot toward D’Vana Tendi, because I see so much of myself in her.
I can’t imagine how I’ll feel once a trans woman character finally shows up in Trek (there’ve been multiple nonbinary characters and a trans man, but still no trans women).
Or maybe I can imagine…
Wow, okay, popular question. Little known fact, but one of the earliest Trans Tuesdays was on NAMES AND PRONOUNS. You can read it for the full story on how I came to “Tilly.”
I’ve struggled with revising that one and bringing it back (and to the podcast for the first time), because it includes mention and discussion of my deadname. As this was very early on in Trans Tuesdays (it was number six!), almost everyone who was reading at the time were people who knew me pre-transition.
Even though almost nobody was reading them at the time, that was the main audience at the start. I didn’t know if other trans folks, or anyone who didn’t know me pre-transition, would ever find or read them.
So I approached it from the angle of “this is who you knew me as, but this is who I really am.” And that’s demonstrably not true for the audience for Trans Tuesdays today, as they’ve grown so much bigger than I had ever anticipated.
BUT the name “Tilly” is inextricably tied to my deadname, in that it’s hard to fully explain it without mentioning and discussing my deadname, and I just do not have any desire to do that. So go read that original essay!
The gist of it is that I liked some things about my deadname, even though I hated the name itself. I liked part of how it looked, I liked it ending with an “ee” sound, and that led me to where I ended up.
I briefly considered Victoria, but it just didn’t feel like me at all, Vicky even less so. But then I thought of Tori, as a diminutive for it, and I kind of dug that. But it wasn’t quite right.
So it went from Tori being mashed up with a few things I liked from my deadname, and Tilly was the result. Once I hit on it I knew that was it. I tested it out in my head for a while and every time it felt right.
I had it picked, and knew it was my real name, years before coming out publicly and beginning my medical and social transition (I’ve said many times I knew as far back as 2015 that I was trans but couldn’t do anything about it until a set time in 2020. Though I recently discovered evidence I’d forgotten that now makes me think it was even earlier, maybe 2014 or 2013.)
Anyway! Go read that essay if you want more, but caution: contains deadname! I don’t care if people know what my deadname was, I came out in such a public way because I was already fairly well known in the podcasting community and my deadname and deadvoice are in the credits of hundreds of podcast episodes, there’s no way I could change them all so it’s not like I could hide it even if I wanted to.
I just don’t like thinking about the time I was associated with that name.
There’s a great power in choosing your own name, though. If you don’t feel yours fits, pick one that does! First, middle, last, whatever! This goes for cis people, too.
You get one life and it’s yours, and nothing is more you than your name. It should be what best speaks to YOU.
I sadly never really got into webcomics, for a whole list of boring reasons about my available time and how much more of it I wanted to spend at my computer when the webcomic boom happened (and you couldn’t yet read them on smartphones, as there were no smartphones).
I very much enjoy Poorly Drawn Lines, though.
I covered all my specific tips in TRANS VOICES 1: GENDERING, TRANS VOICES 2: HEARING THE TRUE YOU, and TRANS VOICES 3: INTERVIEW WITH MY SLP JEIN YI (she also has some tips!).
One of the hardest parts for me, for a long time, was “the cringe” of having to hear my old voice over and over again. Not just when speaking it, but even worse… when recorded and played back. Recording yourself practicing and listening to it played back is the best way to hear what techniques you need more practice with, and which ones you’re doing well.
And that’s so hard to do when your voice gives you dysphoria, like mine did.
What I had to do was remind myself, every time, that I was doing this for me. Spoiler: that’s also what kept me practicing consistently every single day for three years!
It feels like a chore, it’s painful to listen to and makes you feel awful, but we’re doing it to make ourselves feel better. I cannot tell you the joy and GENDER EUPHORIA that I get from hearing myself now, because it sounds like me.
And I could never have gotten to that point if I didn’t put in all the work, and push through how bad hearing my old voice made me feel.
So just remind yourself that you’re doing it so that you won’t sound so cringe to your own ears in the future. We’re dealing with it more now so that we can hopefully reach a point where we never have to deal with it again.
Damn. I wish I had an easy answer for you. Though… maybe I do.
Because what I was going to say was that you’re not alone. I feel that way and ask myself that, too. I think all of us do.
And that’s where the “easy” answer is. You get the will, the wherewithal, the whatever it is you need to get through from community. Absolutely none of us, myself included, are going to get through this alone.
We need each other for support and help. I find, so often, that in helping others with their struggles I help myself in the process, and I think that’s almost universally true.
Which I think also reiterates what I said in THE 2024 ELECTION RESULTS: WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?, because together is the only way any of us are going to get through this (and I don’t just mean trans folks, I mean people from every marginalized community, TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY is vital babes).
And if you don’t have any community, come on over to my Discord, because there’s a whole thriving community there who’d be so glad to have you.
Here’s an audio question I received from my lovely friend Jenn Wallace:
TRANSCRIPTION: Hello Tilly, hello Susan, Jenn Wallace here. Congratulations on your first hundred episodes. You know, when you had me on you asked me four questions, but I’ll just go ahead and ask one. So, what’s been the absolute best thing about your first hundred episodes. All right, love you, bye!
For me, I think there’s a couple things. I love all the folks we’ve been able to bring on and introduce to all our listeners, and show the world how incredibly diverse and different and amazing and human we all are. I love love love being able to do that, and that’s something the podcast gets to do that the text version of my essays don’t. So I’m very grateful for that.
But if one hundred podcast episodes and two hundred seventeen essays have shown me anything, it’s that I love doing this, and it means so much to me that it’s meant so much to all of you. Your responses have always been the best part, and that’s not changed. Knowing something helped you, or helped someone you know… it’s just everything.
And I’ll keep doing it for as long as I have something to say and am able to.
And with the way trans people written by cis writers in media is going, I will not be allowed to die and will be doing my 2874 TRANS REP IN MEDIA report from my cryo-tube at the end of the universe where I think my thoughts into a computer and they’re beamed right into your brains one cryo-tube over.
Like oh my god, can you believe how cold it is in here? Unacceptable!
Come back next week as I beam more AMA answers direct into your thinkmeats!
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com
PS – Part 4 is here!