Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today we’re talking about one aspect of a big topic, and we’re going to go places you probably never thought of, and it’s going to end with me asking you something. Buckle up, because we’re gonna talk about PRIVILEGE.
There’s so many ways privilege affects our lives. As I didn’t begin my “real” transition until we all went into covid lockdown, I’ve not yet experienced the myriad of ways my own privilege has changed. And I know they’re coming. I’m very aware.
But I’m going to wait to speak on that until I’ve experienced it, so I can provide a clearer picture. What I’m going to talk about today is all of the privilege I’ve given up, and how that made deciding to transition difficult in a way you might not have imagined.
Before transition, as a (apparently at the time) cis straight white man, I was playing life on easy mode. But I recognized that, and I did my best to educate other white folks, especially men, on the privilege they had.
I don’t feel any trans person, or anyone from any minority group, is responsible for educating those who don’t get it. BUT I’m going to try, because that’s all woven into my coming out as a trans woman, which I hope you’ll understand by the end of today’s posts.
I HOPE most of you know this already if you’re following me, but I also hope to educate those that need it most, so here’s a little primer.
Having privilege doesn’t mean you’ve had an easy life, or never faced hardships. It means you do not have to deal with other systemic oppression on TOP of all of that.
If you’re not a Black person in the US, you don’t have the same fear of getting pulled over by police that they do. Which is not to say getting pulled over by police won’t scare you, but if you’re white you’re not worried for your life in the middle of a routine traffic stop.
Here’s something I bet you never thought of. I’m a trans woman, sure. I can’t go anywhere now due to covid, but once I can… before we go ANYWHERE I’m going to have to research and see what the bathroom situation is.
Single-person bathrooms or all-gender bathrooms? Great, no problem. Large, open bathrooms separated for men and women? A problem. Where do I go?
Women’s, obviously. Except I’m 6’2” and have somewhat broad shoulders and am fairly muscular. So even if I’m in women’s clothing and makeup, some women are going to see me as a “man in a dress” and possibly give me shit when all I want to do is pee and get on with my life.
I’d face the reverse problem using the men’s restroom, and honestly that’s the last place I’d ever want to go anyway. So what the fuck do I do?
What if I’m out on a day I couldn’t shave? Even in mostly gender-neutral clothing, I probably look “too male” for the women’s restroom and “too female” for the men’s.
Never having to think about this because it’s not an issue you’ve ever HAD to think about is a PRIVILEGE.
Quick aside: If you’re cis and out somewhere with a trans person, PLEASE offer to accompany them to the bathroom as emotional support (and backup, if needed). You have no idea how much that will help.
Have your human rights ever been up for debate by the Supreme Court? No? What an amazing privilege. Hey white guys, think about that for a second… what it would feel like to have a court decide if you’re actually as human as everyone else.
We’re ALL human, and should ALL have the same rights regardless of… well, anything. The fact that we absolutely don’t, and are still fighting for them in multiple areas across multiple minority groups is appalling. Patriarchy/white supremacy have really fucked us.
Okay, primer over. On to my story. I can’t remember how old I was exactly, but fairly young… I think it was around fourth grade? That’s when I realized, completely unbidden, my own privilege. I guarantee you my parents had no idea it was a thing, it didn’t come from them.
My mom would always want a report about my day at school after I’d gotten home. Every day. And as I was telling her things in what I felt was just the common way people talked, it started to occur to me how… wrong it was.
If I was talking about someone at school, I’d call them a “kid”. “This kid dropped his books all over the hallway!” Well that seems innocent enough. Except it wasn’t.
Because in a slightly different circumstance, I’d say “This GIRL dropped her books all over the hallway,” or “This Asian kid dropped his books all over the hallway,” or “This Black girl dropped her books all over the hallway.”
I’d been raised to see myself, a white male, as a “kid”. And EVERYONE else was a modifier based on that. They didn’t get to be kids. They were GIRLS or BLACK KIDS. Do you see how horribly insidious that is?
I was always one of the youngest in my class, so I was probably… what, 8 years old? 9? And I’d figured it out just based on the language we ALL used in the middle of 95% white midwestern suburbs. I didn’t have the word “privilege” to describe it then, but I noticed it.
My mom’s only response was “…huh.” I’m not sure she ever thought about it after that, but I certainly did. And if I can make that realization on my own as a child younger than ten, what excuse does any adult have? None. At. All.
Since then, I tried my best to NOT do that shit. I tried my best to amplify the voices of those most often quieted. I’m not perfect, I’m sure I fucked up, but I tried. Constantly. And learned more and more as I got older. Few things piss me off like inequality of any stripe.
And so, once I was sure I was transgender, and I began thinking about if I wanted to transition, this was on my mind. A lot. And once I was SURE I wanted to transition… I wasn’t sure if I should allow myself to.
To GIVE UP that massive privilege, to have a voice our patriarchal white supremacist society unfairly puts so much more emphasis on, that is put upon a pedestal, and give up using it to help others… it felt so horribly fucking selfish.
I’m obviously still a white person. So I still have a lot of privilege, and I intend to use it. But trans people are also way down at the bottom of the list of people our society respects.
I say the same things now, as a white trans woman, and it’s taken way less seriously than when I said it when everyone thought I was a white cis man. This is the sad reality of the world we live in.
But then I realized trans people, especially trans women, are one of the groups that most need their voices amplified. And if I transitioned, and was public and open about it…
If it helped ONE other trans person feel more comfortable with themselves, or helped them in their transition, or helped people in their lives understand them better, THAT was so important. And that was something I could do.
And that’s where these #TransTuesday posts came from. It’s why I mentioned I was going to do them even in my original coming out post. I had a long list of topics already written down a month before I even came out.
I’ve still got some privilege, and I’m going to use it. Way back at the top of this thread I told you I was going to ask you something, so here it is.
To all cis people, especially to all white cis people, double especially to all cis white men: please, please recognize your privilege and use it to help people.
Lift the voices too often silenced. Be loud and supportive of people with less privilege. Do what you can to try to make the world a more just, more equal place.
It’s wrong, but our society puts SO much more stock in the things you say. So please. SAY THEM. People with less privilege are listening. And we need you.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com