Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today we’re going to talk about something that I suspect is pretty personal and big for most trans people: HAIR.
I’ve mentioned before how I was pretty sure I was transgender for a long time, years in fact. But I had a hard date where I knew, even if I WAS trans, I wouldn’t start transitioning before then. So I took my time.
And one of the first things I did was decide that I’d grow out my hair. You have to understand what a huge thing this was for me, because… if you weren’t familiar with me pre-transition, I had about a 1/8“ buzz cut for all of my adult life.
It happened not long after I moved out on my own, and I’ll tell you what prompted it. As a kid, I never had much in the way of a hairstyle. When I was little I had bangs and my hair was pretty straight, though I had a few cowlicks that gave me fits.
But when I hit middle school my hair just started growing… up? And out? It was weirdly poofy for reasons I did not know. But hanging flat was not a thing it did anymore. I got made fun of for it a lot (among other things, like my nerdiness and my… “big lips”???)
So now, on top of being miserable in my own body all the time, I had this extra external source of discomfort that people were calling out, which made me even more uncomfortable. When I moved out, I decided to just get it buzzed because it was “easier” and “low maintenance.”
Those things are certainly true, and on top of that for a very long time we were very poor, so buying one pair of clippers and then just buzzing my head again every couple months saved money, so it felt like a win-win-win.
AND SHE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT AGAIN. For a very long time, anyway. Because I actually quite liked never having to think about it or worry about it, and reader if you’ve been paying attention I bet you know why that is.
I shall direct you to the Trans Tuesday on THE FEAR OF EMBRACING YOUR TRUE SELF (Halloween and makeup and hair dye).
I was afraid of what would happen if I grew it out. And, like, what would that be? Literally nothing except how it would make me FEEL, and there you have it. The thought would have made me shrivel.
So it was easier to not examine that, to bury it super deep and pretend it didn’t exist. I just “didn’t have the time” to worry about a hairstyle, “didn’t care” about that shit and why would anyone?
That also ties right in on my pre-transition feelings on clothes and fashion, because again I will remind you all of these things are interconnected and you can’t really separate one aspect from the others. But I can’t talk about them all at once and so, see the trans tuesday on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE.
In order to actually grow my hair out, EVEN WHEN ALREADY SUSPECTING I WAS TRANS, I had to have a “reason.” I had to give myself permission somehow, because doing it just because I might be trans and to see how it made me feel was unacceptable for some reason.
Maybe because this level of self-examination is really difficult? I don’t know. I try to be as kind to myself through all of this as I would be to anyone else, but it just took me SO LONG it really frustrates me.
Anyway, my “excuse” was that my grandfather was bald as a cue ball, and so what if that would happen to me too? And I’d never experienced what having long hair was like, so I’d best grow it out just in case, before I didn’t have the option.
Like, lady, listen. You were trying, but talk about some lame bullshit. But to all the people who knew me when it was growing out and I was presenting as male, and you asked about it getting longer… when I told you that about my grandfather, I wasn’t lying!
I really (partially) believed it at the time. I had to, or I’d have never been able to make that leap. And even still, the fear was so strong… this was as far as I got:
That was it. I… LIKED it, but liking it made me SO UNCOMFORTABLE that I made up another excuse about how it wasn’t worth the extra time it took to shampoo/comb/etc. and then I buzzed it all back off again.
And it broke my heart. And that alone was so difficult to deal with. I’d done it to myself, sure, but the bigger issue was being so upset about it was a big indicator to me. And you might not think so, because of course men and non-binary people can have long hair too.
And my hair wasn’t even that long! I mean look at that photo, it was still pretty damned short. But it was enough of an indicator to me of where things were going, and the truth I’d buried, that it was hard to deal with.
It absolutely rocked my world, and the fallout from that took me a long time to get over. I don’t know how long it was before I decided to try growing it out again. It was a while. Might have even been a year or more.
But when I finally worked up the courage to give it another go, that’s basically when I knew. It was the first thing I did to begin transitioning, even though I still wasn’t 100% sure.
I mean in hindsight I WAS sure, I think, but I needed that safety net of saying I didn’t NEED to be sure yet, because I couldn’t do anything permanent until that certain far-off date anyway.
And I remember this one day I was at Costco standing in line for hot dogs (I am predictable, yes, but Costco hot dogs are also impossibly good). And this woman behind me asked about my hair.
At this point it wasn’t even long, per se, maybe just an inch more than in that photo above. But much to my surprise it was coming in… WAVY? What? Why? It’s a mystery. But the hair on the back of my head had this deep wave in it, and she loved it.
She wanted to know if I’d used some product to get that effect, or if it was natural. And uh… nope, it just came in like that? Even though it never used to? I have no explanation.
But the feeling her words gave me was something I’d never really experienced before. And that held true for all of growing it out… the first time it was long enough that I could feel it swaying on the back of my neck was just extraordinary.
The first tiny ponytail I could manage sent. me. to. the. MOON. Every new milestone in length was this burst of joy in my heart. Even now, I’m terrified to even trim it because it means so much to me. Which is weird, it’ll grow back, but feelings aren’t always logical.
I love having it down, but for sleep and exercise I am she of the big floofy high-pony, and I love watching it bounce and flop and sway when I turn my head. Why? I dunno. It’s a super visible sign, to me, that I’m a girl? Maybe?
And it’s so long that when I’m doing push ups, even pulled back in that high ponytail, it flips down over the top of my head and smacks me in the eyes. Which is super annoying and yet somehow also great at the same time.
It’s a little longer than this now, but this is basically what it looks like if I don’t put any product in it (I know the photo’s blurry, I’m sorry, but it’s the one that best shows how tight the curls are and it does not hurt my bicep is bitchin’).
It’s a frizzy mess, and tangles really easily, but I dig how tight the curls are. I didn’t think I would. I never imagined myself with hair like this because as a kid it was straight. I had no frame of reference, but I’ve come to kind of love it. Because it’s mine.
A buncha ladies gave me curly hair tips, but I haven’t really had a chance to try any of those things yet (cue me glaring at the entire world on fire). I hope to have the time soon, though. If you’d like to give me any tips of your own, I’d love to hear them.
Because I have no fuckin’ idea what to do. I have shampoo and conditioner meant for curly hair, which I think are working okay but I have nothing to compare it to so… dunno?
I also think I’d like to try having bangs, but I don’t know if that’d work with the kind of hair I have, or even look weird since it’s so curly. Though the curls seem to form well lower than where bangs would be, so maybe?
I found a trans-friendly hair stylist with her own salon nearby, but (again looks at the entire world on fire). I don’t know when or if she’ll be open again, so once enough people are vaccinated against covid we’ll have to see.
And quick aside, if that’s something you’ve never had to deal with, that’s every aspect of trans life. I can’t just find a hairstylist or salon that seems good, because they might be hostile to trans people and I do not need that in my life. No one does.
I pine for the day I can ask an experienced person if bangs would work on me, and if not, what the hell else I could possibly do with this hair. Because I have no idea.
In the meantime, I’m using Controlled Chaos curl creme, which relaxes the curls a bit but keeps them untangled and manages the frizz, and it smells nice. But it’s $30 for a kind of small tube, so I don’t use it more than a couple times a week.
I think it looks pretty nice with that stuff in it? Anyway I know it’s hard, but try not to be too afraid of digging deep within yourself. Because you maybe might love what you find, and that’s a good thing.
Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com