Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re talking about something surprising that recently came up and that I never anticipated being a thing, much less one to talk about. And it’s hard to describe, but I’m gonna call it: SEARCHING FOR MEANING (when you’re trans and don’t know it).
This is going to be a little more speculative than other topics, but stick with me because I think you’ll understand by the time we’re done. Or I hope so, anyway, otherwise I’ve completely failed at communicating this incredibly nebulous thing. Hooray!
Recently this image crossed my social media. It’s an artistic cutaway of the Death Star from Star Wars (by Hans Jenssen from “Star Wars: Incredible Cross-Sections,” 1999). And I hear you already, “but Tills, how is this trans?” LOOK JUST STICK WITH ME, OKAY?
I have always, always, ALWAYS loved images like this. Not just of sci-fi stuff, though I absolutely did love seeing the insides of spaceships and sci-fi gadgets and all those fun goodies, but houses, airplanes, buildings, underground missile silos… doesn’t matter, I love them all.
When Susan and I first moved in together, we even had a giant poster of the Enterprise-D from Star Trek: the Next Generation on the wall, and it had cutaways like this so you could see the different decks, and where all the different parts of the ship were. I adored it.
An artistic cutaway poster of the USS Enterprise D, with different locations numbered and explained in a key on the side
Something about these things has always fascinated me. I’d spend hours as a kid poring over them, just staring and getting lost in my imagination. For that matter, I also loved my Star Trek: TNG technical manual, and any kind of blueprints or diagrams of ANYTHING.
So when that Death Star image crossed my feed, it immediately gave me pause. It’s absolutely stunning on its own, and I fell right back into those old feelings, staring at it in wonder, getting lost in my imagination. You can see it right in the tweet I made.
A screencap of a tweet I made on April 1, 2023, as a quote tweet of @retroscifiart (that shows the above death star cutaway image and its credit). My additional text reads: I love cutaways. Always have. Let me see inside a spaceship or a house, I love when comics use them to show motion through spaces… I dunno, something about them has always grabbed me. This one blows my mind.
But something was different. I still loved it and was getting lost in my imagination, it still sparked this same feeling that I always used to get but never had a way to describe. Except it was… less? And then it dissipated entirely, and was replaced by a DEEP sadness.
And when I tell you I was completely baffled, that’s not hyperbole. What the ding dang was going on here?! Well by now you’ve realized I’m somewhat introspective, but I think almost all trans people are. We HAVE to be, to figure ourselves out in spite of transphobic society.
And then I remembered that my high school for some reason offered architecture courses, and I took them for FOUR YEARS. I thought I wanted to be an architect! But I didn’t actually like drawing them with exact measurements, wasn’t good at it, and the math annoyed me.
I didn’t want to MAKE those things, just LOOK at them. But why? What was I hoping to gain by this? Why did they fascinate me so? What was it that drew me to them like a moth to flame (or like a Tilly to pizza)? And then it hit me like an anvil out of the sky.
Someone mentioned in the replies that they used to love the Richard Scarry children’s books for the same reason, and then I remembered THAT I DID TOO. As I recall he used them rather frequently.
The cover of Richard Scarry’s Best Word Book Ever, the relevant portion of which shows a house with a cutaway view, with rabbit people going about their little rabbit lives inside
A two page spread from one of Richard Scarry’s books, showing a cutaway view of a ship and all the different compartments within
So what was the revelation, the epiphany, the discovery that made my love of cutaways and diagrams and schematics and blueprints all make sense? And why my wonder turned to sadness?
A reply to my previous tweet, which reads: So it occurs to me That I was always so fascinated Because I wanted to SEE WHAT WAS INSIDE and how it was DIFFERENT FROM WHAT WAS OUTSIDE When you’re a trans kid who doesn’t know you’re trans, every little thing can be a window to trying to find yourself Might go have a cry
And that was it. That was it EXACTLY. And it’s why my feelings about it changed somewhat. When I looked at these cutaways, I was filled with this… LONGING. And it wasn’t just because I wanted to go adventuring on a starship (though I DO want that, don’t get me wrong).
I WAS SEARCHING FOR MEANING ~~ABOUT MYSELF~~. I was hoping that in understanding why things inside were different from their outsides, I could somehow understand how MY insides (I’m a girl!) were different from my outsides (not a boy!).
And why didn’t they match? Was there a word for that? There is: GENDER DYSPHORIA!
Is there something that’s the opposite of that, when your outsides match your insides?? There is: GENDER EUPHORIA!
Some of you may think this is kind of a stretch, so let me say you may be surprised to know I immediately heard back from other trans folks… who were suddenly having the same realization about themselves after seeing me talk about it. I think this is officially A Thing.
Because what I mentioned above about transphobic society is true. When you are not raised in a home environment that is conducive and accepting of exploring your gender and your truth to find the real you…
When you are not even TOLD that trans is just something people can be, and it’s a perfectly normal and okay way for humans to be, NOTHING MAKES SENSE. You don’t understand the world. You don’t understand yourself. You feel broken inside.
My parents, my friends, my family, my schools, ALL OF SOCIETY AROUND ME acted like cisgender boys and girls were the only way you could be. The word “trans” was either unknown, or never spoken by those who did know (as if it was some sort of demonic curse).
And so I didn’t understand why I felt the way I did, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just be the girl I knew I was, why I couldn’t do the things I wanted just because they were for girls and everyone told me I wasn’t one and couldn’t be one.
And this is why I was overwhelmed with sadness. It was for that poor girl who just wanted to know herself, to understand why she felt the way she did, and why she looked for it in every piece of cutaway art she could find as if they unlocked the mysteries of the universe.
We all search for meaning, for truth, anywhere we can find it. We have to find ourselves in places that were maybe not even intended to be for or about us. And we STILL have to do that as adults, because our representation is nearly non-existent (or often awful).
You can even see the trans tuesday on PHYSICAL REPRESENTATION, which is really about having to find our own representation through somewhat similar body types, because we’re left with so few options:
And, yes, sometimes we find our own representation in cutaways and blueprints and schematics and technical diagrams… because maybe if they can help us understand THOSE things, they can somehow help us understand OURSELVES.
Don’t be afraid to look inside the things around you, or inside society, and inside yourself. All of us want to better understand ourselves and the world around us, and you never know where those answers may be waiting.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! It’s July again, and that means time to see there things are at in my FOUR YEARS OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN! Body changes, social changes, and so very much more!
If you’d like to chart my entire journey on hormone replacement therapy, and my entire journey being an out trans woman, you can start with my ONE YEAR OUT AND ON HRT RETROSPECTIVE trans tuesday.
Year four was wild for me, because after the devastating setbacks I had last summer, I switched my estrogen delivery from pills to injections, and holy crap did that re-kickstart body changes. Here’s the trans tuesday on TRANSITION SETBACKS if you missed it.
One new thing I had to deal with this year that hadn’t happened in quite this way before, was a nasty, loud, public encounter with a very nasty transphobe. Previously all I’ve had to deal with was accidental misgendering and all the staring at me that The Uncomfortable Cis do.
It was sadly inevitable, I think, but that doesn’t make it any more pleasant to deal with.
We’ll get to the new developments (ahem) from HRT in year four in a bit, but I’m going to follow the same order of talking about things as I did last year, just because it’ll be easier for me to see where I was and then if anything’s changed since a year ago.
As I said, I’m still on injections and I’m really happy with the dosage I’m at (both for my estrogen and progesterone). If I can just maintain these levels for, like, the rest of my life, I’d be elated. Physically and especially mentally, I’ve never felt better in my entire life.
I’ve talked about this in every year check-in retrospective, I think, because it’s still the largest issue I’m dealing with in terms of transition: I still have to shave, every morning, super close and against the grain, over and over, to remain stubble and shadow free all day.
It still does not cause me dysphoria to do it due to changing HOW I do it, thankfully, but it does make me dysphoric to see the little stubble in the morning that grew overnight. Sadly there’s still NOTHING I can do about it, because covid is still real and my wife is still immunocompromised and I cannot be unmasked indoors with strangers for the dozens and dozens and dozens of hours that laser hair removal and electrolysis takes.
I really wish capitalism and the people running our country hadn’t just decided to pretend covid was over so rich people could make more money again. And selfishly, yeah, because it’s prevented me from doing absolutely anything about the one source of dysphoria that I seem to still have.
But more importantly because it’s abandoned every immunocompromised person and basically barred them from public life. That’s sadly not new for the disabled community, but it’s starkly awful to see it done so clearly and publicly how society just isn’t interested in protecting the most vulnerable.
For more on the difficulties of a PANDEMIC TRANSITION, see the trans tuesday on that very topic.
My body hair growth has slowed even further after switching my estrogen to injections. It’s still bad enough that I have to shave everywhere once a week, but it’s not as bad as it was before and I haven’t needed to go back to weekly epilating, thank goodness. Here’s the trans tuesday on BODY HAIR for more on my struggles with that.
Photos and reflections check-in. You can start with the initial trans tuesday on PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS, and why they can be so tough for so many of us.
And then see PHOTOS 2: THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE, when two and half years into HRT my face had gradually changed enough so that photos just stopped causing dysphoria.
What’s interesting is that photos have somehow gotten even BETTER for me, because the estrogen injections changed my face even MORE in the fall and winter of 2023. You can kind of see it shift in my photos, I think (or at least I can).
I think it’s super clear in the new addition to my transition timeline photo, and it makes me so so so happy. I never thought I’d see ME, and then I did, and it was a miracle. And now it’s somehow even MORE ME, and last year I wouldn’t have thought that was possible.
And not in a “I’ll never get there way,” but in a “I already see myself so what more could there be to see?” way. I thought that was the end of the seeing myself in photos and reflections journey, but there was another bonus extra credit step, and it delights me to no end.
A big change from last year is that I don’t struggle with video anymore! I still haven’t tried recording and posting my own, but at this time last year seeing myself in video was pretty dysphoric, and it’s not now!
Maybe it’s due to the further facial shape changes I just talked about, or my voice, or the combo of the two being way better than before. I’ll talk about voice in a bit.
But if you want to see ways in which my inability to handle seeing myself in video (especially if it was being recorded for everyone else to see forever) affected me, see the trans tuesday on PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP, and how incredibly harmful the refusal to accommodate trans people’s needs can be.
BODY HACKING check in (see the trans tuesday on it if you need more info).
I’m still exercising four times a week, but it’s been two runs and two strength training workouts. I just haven’t had the time to work two more runs in, because the writing my wife and I do has kept me too busy (a good problem to have!)
And y’know, I really should have included photos of my exercise progress in past year retrospectives, it’d be cool to track it. Anyway! My arms are more buff than they’ve ever been, and I have abs now! It’s WILD and I LOVE IT.
My flexed left bicep
My flexed left tricep
My abs! They’re not huge but I have some now!
Me all sweaty in a black workout tank, my hair pineappled and falling in front of most of my face, flexing my left bicep
My hair is still super important to me, and makes me feel like ME. It used to be my favorite thing about my body, though my arms and abs are now right behind (as are a couple other body parts, but we’re getting there). You can see the growing importance of my HAIR in the original trans tuesday on it.
And the follow-up, HAIR 2, when I got my first real haircut and how much it made me feel like ME. Twitter, Facebook, Google doc
My hair hasn’t changed, except for getting longer. I love it, it’s perfect just how it is. Maybe I’ll want a different cut someday, but right now I can’t imagine that happening. It’s so so perfectly me and I love it in every way.
I’ve had my tattoo for a couple years now (it was still relatively new at the two year check-in), and you can read about the entire process of deciding to get it and why it took so long in the trans tuesday on BODILY AUTONOMY.
Last year I mentioned that photos of me without my tattoo (post-transition me, I mean, not pre-transition super dysphoric me) felt “wrong”, even though the photos weren’t spiking my dysphoria. Last year I said I might write about it if I ever figured out why that was.
The good news is… I have! Figured it out, I mean. But I haven’t written about it just yet. It’s on the list for future trans tuesdays though, so keep an eye out.
CONFIDENCE check-in. Here’s its trans tuesday if you missed it.
Not only has this continued without faltering from last year, I’ve realized just how MUCH it’s grown when my wife Susan and I redid our wedding this year, to have one with the real me. And the difference in me from the first dysphoric one to the second euphoric one could not have been more stark. See the trans tuesday on A TRANS RE-WEDDING for more.
Voice check in! Here’s the first of three trans tuesdays on TRANS VOICES (the first links to the second, links to the third) where I talk about my fascinating journey through gender-affirming speech therapy, finding my true voice, and culminating with an interview with my Speech-Language Pathologists (including the science behind it and tips for people practicing on their own).
Last year I was pretty happy with where my voice was at, but my stamina for it still sometimes faltered, and occasionally my voice would still slip. But it got better enough that I was able to launch these trans tuesdays as a podcast, and begin recording the audiobook for my book BEGIN TRANSMISSION: THE TRANS ALLEGORIES OF THE MATRIX!
That audiobook is now complete (and can be purchased by YOU!), and it was a TON of work and took forever, but I did it.
I feel like my stamina now is even better than last year, my voice almost never gets tired (though it still does a bit toward the end of long roleplaying game sessions that i run where I’ve been talking for four or more hours straight).
Sometimes it’s still hard for people to hear me speaking through my mask, and I’m much better at resonance and being louder now, though I feel when I AM louder my voice doesn’t sound quite the way I want it to. So I’ll probably be working on that a lot in the year to come.
Okay so, let’s talk about what other body changes I’ve seen since switching to estrogen injections! Last year I mentioned I’d gotten to a B cup in breast growth after 1000 days of HRT (it’s true, I counted), and I had tiny hip development and still nothing in my butt.
WELL!
This year I got to a C cup, in less time than it took to get to the B (336 days from B to C)! The girls are still sadly far enough apart that I think never the twain shall meet (the wrong puberty making my shoulders and torso more broad are to blame for that), but I can deal.
A post I made on March 9, 2024 that says “one thousand three hundred and thirty-six days of HRT and- THIS WILL BE A DAY LONG REMEMBERED” [smiley face surrounded by hearts emoji] And then a photo of the tag from a pink bra that shows the size as 38C
It was a small C, but still a C! And now… it’s a slightly bigger C! I’m nowhere NEAR needing to go up a size again, but, uh… they’re definitely more noticeable!
Me in a low cut black dress with white stars on it, and you can definitely see visible breast growth, my goodness
And it delights me to tell you that my boobs are indeed now tied with my hair and my arms and my abs for my favorite part of my body. Even though they’re oceans apart, and maybe still not as big as I’d like.
Both of those latter things could be fixed (or helped) with top surgery, and I considered it, but… look, every time I see them in the mirror as I’m getting into the shower or whatever, I just love them. Because they’re mine. I grew them. They’re all ME.
They’re what was always coded in my genes and just needed estrogen to flip the switch telling them to grow. And so I find them remarkably beautiful, because they are just what they were meant to be, even if they live in different zip codes due to the wrong puberty mucking up my chest.
And they’re still growing, so who knows. We’ll see. I’ll probably revisit the idea over time and just see how I feel, but right now… they’re perfect.
I was also incredibly startled to discover that I HAVE A BUTT NOW! I mean yes technically I’ve always had one, but it was flat as a board back there. Pretty sure I’ve complained about it in every past year check-in I’ve done.
The weird thing is I had no idea it happened! I mean how would you, I guess, we don’t look at our butts all that often (or DO WE?). Anyway this spring I put on a dress that it hadn’t been warm enough to wear for like six months and was walking out of the bathroom and caught sight of my profile in the mirror, and…. GOSH 🥰
Two side profile shots of my booty in a black dress with horizontal white stripes. It’s small but it exists and has a really lovely curve! yaaaaay!
And about that hip “development”… since I could finally see them, I figured they must have gotten bigger. Since I needed to re-measure myself with the newly expanded bustline, I re-measured my hips… and they’re the exact same as they were when I started HRT four years ago.
They didn’t get bigger, but my hips ROTATED to be in line with cis women’s, which is why you can actually see that i have small hips now, even though the measurement hasn’t changed. This happens in some trans women due to changes in the tendons, and is exactly what cis women go through during puberty too.
This is, like so much of trans life and healthcare, anecdotal. Plenty of cis doctors will tell you this can not happen and is impossible, but those doctors also say the effects of progesterone on trans women are inconclusive and so very many trans women who’ve been on it say otherwise.
For a whole lot more on how trans healthcare is JUST LIKE THIS because cis doctors don’t care enough to study us to get answers, see the trans tuesday on ANECDOTAL TRANS HEALTHCARE.
You can SEE hips on me now, and you never could before, even though the circumference around them is the same. And skirts that I used to be able to pull over my hips I no longer can! But the measurement is the same so clearly they’ve changed position.
And it certainly explains why my hips were so sore for a long time.
I don’t know what else to tell you. The human body is a wild wonderland.
Also regarding HRT-induced body changes, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this in one of these yearly retrospectives before, but I get periods now. I get the same cramps, moodiness, food cravings, etc. that many cis women do.
It’s not entirely regular… meaning some months I get one and some I don’t, but it’s fairly often that I do and this is a known thing that can happen to trans women. And if you don’t see how that’s possible, know that cis women can still have cramps even after a hysterectomy. So clearly a uterus is not required for the joy of cramping.
Cis doctors again seem to think this is impossible, or just don’t believe us, and that’s sadly just par for the course. I know so many trans women who get them. Before I got them myself… I don’t want to say I didn’t believe that it happened, I just was stymied at how.
Well, now I get them, often, and they’re terrible and hurt like a mofo, and I’m still stymied as to how. But it definitely happens to a lot of us! Along with the moodiness, which (for me) can even be slightly alleviated with chocolate! Again see that anecdotal trans healthcare essay.
ALL of that’s controlled by hormones, so when the dominant hormones in your body are estrogen and progesterone, in some of us that’s just gonna happen.
I have noticed one part of my body that I’m newly unhappy with, and that’s the backs of my hands. My hands are pretty big, which doesn’t bother me, but sometimes the backs can look kinda… veiny? I don’t know, it makes them sometimes look a bit more dude-like than I’d prefer, but unless my E decides it needs to store some fat on the back of my hand for some reason, I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it.
I feel like I’ve finally honed in on my style really well, but it took me a good three and a half years to settle into what clothes and presentation feels like it’s ME. See the trans tuesday on FINDING OUR TRANS STYLE for more on how mine is cutesy/girly/sporty and that’s OKAY.
As I mentioned last year, I do still very much wish I’d started chronicling changes earlier. By which I am referring to all the years I knew I was trans before I came out and chose to transition. I basically knew in 2015, but waited to come out and medically and socially transition until 2020 for a reason that is one of the few things I will not talk about publicly (though if we are friends, I’m happy to discuss it privately).
So here’s the new timeline photo! Somehow I’m STILL becoming a truer me than I’ve ever been, and that’s absolutely fucking amazing. What a gift transition has been. For all the difficulty, and all the struggle, it’s worth every single second for each step closer we get to being true and authentic to who we are.
A timeline showing my transition progress from pre-transition, 2020 (when I came out and started HRT), 2021 (one year hrt), 2022 (two years hrt), 2023 (three years hrt), 2024 (four years hrt). You can see my face changing drastically through them, becoming rounder and softer over time. Also the life in my eyes goes from dead, to huh, to yay, to hooray, to OH MY GOD to CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THIS WHAT IS HAPPENING.
It’s okay if you don’t know that yet. It’s okay if you figure it out along the way.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! Milestones abound! I’ve just passed two big dates that are pretty close together, and that means it’s time to take stock of where we’re at. So here’s my THREE YEARS OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN!
For reference, you may want to first read my ONE YEAR OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN thread first to better understand the progression.
Last year I had monumental gains. This year… well things were good through the back half of 2022, but then I had two things happen that both caused TRANSITION SETBACKS, which I talked about in the trans tuesday on that very topic.
Thankfully things seem to be settled now, hopefully at a good equilibrium. My arm is healed, my exercise is back where it was, and my head feels like me. And I never actually lost sight of myself in photos or mirrors like I was afraid of in that thread on setbacks.
But it still sucks that I had such a backslide. And yeah it’s normal, and happens through all parts of life, transition or otherwise. But that doesn’t just make it easy to accept. Because of course then all I do is wonder where I’d be now if I HADN’T backslid.
But then I also remember that the backslide came with gains I couldn’t get any other way, in breast and hip growth, so maybe it was worth it? I dunno. We shouldn’t have to lose some gains to get others, but life never said it was fair.
Shaving my face doesn’t give me dysphoria, I figured out how to fix that last year. But I still resent having to do it every single day. And the 20-25 minutes it eats up every single morning.
If you look back at my two year check-in from last year, you’ll see I’d finally hit the arbitrary level of testosterone I needed to be below before our health insurance would cover laser hair removal and electrolysis for my face.
Except now, per the thread on setbacks, my T level is no longer below that arbitrary barrier some cis doctors somewhere thought every trans woman needed to be at before she’d earned the right to not ever have facial hair again. Yeah I’m still salty about it.
Know what else I’m still salty about? Covid! Which is NOT over! Especially when you live with an immunocompromised person. I STILL CANNOT SIT INDOORS FOR DOZENS OF HOURS WITH A MASK OFF while my facial hair is zapped away.
THREE YEARS I’ve been waiting, and I’m no closer to being able to do that than when I started. I’m getting really fed up with how our society has just decided to move on and left so many people behind, as if they don’t deserve to exist in public too.
Here’s the trans tuesday on the unique problems a PANDEMIC TRANSITION has brought.
Now that the two big setbacks I experienced this year are (mostly) behind me, facial hair removal continues to be the biggest part of my transition I NEED to get taken care of.
But I’ve seen some other trans ladies talking about at home laser hair removal that seems to actually work. Not as well as getting it professionally done, but it works. And I’m SO SO sick of waiting. So I think I’m gonna give it a go and hope it helps.
My body hair growth, which got much faster during my HRT setback, has slowed back down a little. But it’s not as slow as it was before that setback, and I’m not sure I can get it back there again anytime soon.
This might be my new normal. At least for a while. Again, hormones are weird, so I don’t really know. If this IS the new normal, I’m not happy about it, BUT it’s something I think I can live with. As long as I’m getting the other benefits I want from the micronized progesterone.
Here’s the trans tuesday on my issues with BODY HAIR, if you’re curious.
And its follow-up, a long time later when something suddenly changed for reasons unknown, see PHOTOS 2: THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE.
Thankfully this has remained constant for me, even through my HRT setback. I still see ME, she’s still there, and I’m still only chucking out photos because they’re bad photos and not because they give me dysphoria. I really lucked out there, and I’ll never take it for granted.
One thing I’ve noticed, though, in doing all of the promotional interviews for my book this year, is that most of them were being done via videoconferencing like Zoom. And I still apparently still have a LOT of dysphoria revolving around video. I had to do them with my camera off.
I can handle it if it’s just friends, and can maybe struggle through if the video won’t be posted anywhere, though that’s still really difficult. But it is not easy and not okay. Something about photos combined with motion and voice just sets it off. Hope that goes away eventually.
If you want to see ways in which that’s already caused other problems for me (or rather, the ways in which cis people refusing to accommodate my dysphoria has caused problems for me), see the trans tuesday on PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP.
I’m still only getting in a couple 5ks a week, rather than the four I want to be at, but I’ve been so busy with book promotion and writing and then the WGA strike on top of it, I just can’t work any more of them into my schedule right now.
I’m at least walking a lot when I’m out on the WGA picket lines, so that’s good. But running more often would also pose a problem with my hair, which takes a long time to do and the hair product I use is expensive.
It’s not feasible for me to wash/style it every day. Twice a week is about right. But when I run I get sweaty, and so… what do I do? I don’t know. I’m not sure if actually running four days a week will be possible now, given all that. It’s vexing.
But my HAIR is super important to me, it’s STILL the part of my body I love the most. You can see its growing importance to me in the original trans tuesday on it.
And the follow-up, HAIR 2, when I got my first real haircut and how much it made me feel like ME.
When I CAN run, my 5k times STILL continue to rise. Not as dramatically as they did last year, but I’m STILL. GETTING. SLOWER. I hate it! But there’s nothing I can do about it. HRT has totally sacked my running speed.
A reminder that this is just some of the evidence why the whole TRANS SPORTS thing is a complete non-issue that’s really only about punishing trans women and upholding sexist patriarchal gender roles.
I’ve had my tattoo for a while now (it was still relatively new at the two year check-in), and you can read about the entire process of deciding to get it and why it took so long. It’s all wrapped up in BODILY AUTONOMY.
What’s really interesting is now, photos of myself (even ones I really like, post-transition) without my tattoo feel wrong. They feel like they’re not really me. I mean they ARE, and it’s not gender dysphoria per se, but it’s definitely… something.
I mean I guess that confirms I was right to get it and it was absolutely what I wanted, but I’m still trying to parse why photos of me without it feel “wrong.” If I’m ever able to figure it out, there will likely be a trans tuesday about it.
Happy to say this has held steady from last year. I’m still super happy to talk to new people in ways I never was pre-transition. In fact just a little while back I spent an entire shift on the WGA picket lines talking to someone I’d never met before.
Like… we spent FOUR HOURS talking. And now we’re friends! We just hit it off and it was never uncomfortable. Even when the conversation would hit a lull for a bit, the silence was never awkward. It was comfortable. And then we’d pick up talking about something else.
It was really great, and let me tell you I could have NEVER done something like that pre-transition. Ever. Even if the other person took the lead. I’d clam up and shut down at the first opportunity. Very glad to see this seems permanent!
Okay, TRANS VOICES check in. This one’s actually been big, and I might not have realized without writing this out! Here’s my original thread on starting voice therapy and how my old voice made my dysphoric.
I’m getting pretty consistent with hitting all the techniques I’ve learned, and my voice usually makes me really happy. I’ve gotten to a point now where I launched these trans tuesdays as a podcast, which I’m sure you’ve noticed.
And I couldn’t have done that before! The few podcasts I was already doing were difficult for me, but I could have never taken HEARING myself on a weekly basis, and didn’t have the stamina to maintain all the techniques that long anyway.
But my stamina for it has grown by leaps and bounds. It still falters sometimes, and occasionally I will hear my voice slipping when I’m forgetting one of the things I need to be doing. But on the whole I’m very happy with it and I know it’ll keep getting better.
It’s to the point where now I believe I can actually record the audiobook for my book! Before I never thought I’d have been able to. It’ll be slow going, and I’ll have to do portions at a time, but it seems completely doable now and it never did before. That’s amazing.
Regarding my HRT, as I talked a bit about in the previously linked threads on setbacks, my breast growth has continued and I have tiny hips now. Still nothing in my butt though, there is barely one to speak of.
As I mentioned last year, my style in terms of clothing is STILL evolving (I guess it’s probably always evolving somewhat for most of us), but I think I’m finally maybe honing in on it. Last year I said it might be a future thread. Now it definitely will. Probably soonish.
Before we get to my timeline photo, I do want to mention one thing I’ve never talked about in these retrospectives before. And that’s how I wish I’d started them earlier.
I think it’s so important to chronicle these things, both the good and the bad, to help people (trans and cis) see what it’s really like. And there were so many years of transition where I wasn’t doing this, and I’d have loved to remember better how it was going.
My personal transition started in 2015, and up until I came out publicly in 2020, I wasn’t writing about my transition or anything trans-related. I felt I didn’t have the right to, since the world still saw me as a cisgender man.
But I’d love to be able to look back and see what I was going through then in better detail than my memory allows. What struggles and triumphs did I find? I think it’d be fascinating to see. But the past is the past and I can’t change that, so.
I’m gonna wonder, though. Because I’m SURE, especially before any hormones or social changes, I was also experiencing highs and lows, and setbacks and advancements. Which might provide some reassurance now.
In any case, we march on, ever forward (even if the path gets winding and seems to double back sometimes), ever closer to the truest me I’ve ever been.
So here’s the timeline photo again, with bonus pre-transition photo added so you can truly see more of the changes. And I still see it in my eyes, thank goodness. That’s Tilly. That’s ME. And no matter what, I’m not going anywhere. And remember, if I can do it so can you.
A timeline showing my transition progress from pre-transition, 2020 (when I came out and started HRT), 2021 (one year in), 2022 (two years in), 2023 (three years in). You can see my face changing drastically through them, becoming rounder and softer over time. Also the life in my eyes goes from dead, to huh, to yay, to hooray, to OH MY GOD.
PS – this is my trans tuesday and I’m mad with power, so here’s all the (barely slightly different) versions of the photo I took for this year because I love them all! A lot!
Me with my long brown curly hair up in a pineapple that has fallen to the back, with curly bangs, iridescent white cat eye glasses, dark eyeliner, sparkly dark pink lipstick, wearing a black tank top with white piping.
…a barely slightly different angle of me with my long brown curly hair up in a pineapple that has fallen to the back, with curly bangs, iridescent white cat eye glasses, dark eyeliner, sparkly dark pink lipstick, wearing a black tank top with white piping.
Me with my long brown curly hair up in a pineapple that has fallen to my right, with curly bangs, iridescent white cat eye glasses, dark eyeliner, sparkly dark pink lipstick, wearing a black tank top with white piping.
…a barely different angle of me with my long brown curly hair up in a pineapple that has fallen to the back, with curly bangs, iridescent white cat eye glasses, dark eyeliner, sparkly dark pink lipstick, wearing a black tank top with white piping.
And here’s the one I used in the timeline all by itself, and look, yes, it’s the same as the others, but I don’t care I DON’T CARE. This is ME!!!
Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week and last week are big milestones for me. As of July 7 I’ve been out as myself for two years, and as of TODAY I’ve been on HRT for two years. So it’s time for a check-in with TWO YEARS OUT and TWO YEARS ON HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY.
This has been so huge for me. SO so huge. My dysphoria is… well it’s not GONE, it still pops up from time to time. But it’s… occasional? It’s rare! I did not think I would ever live to see the day when this was the truth, but there it is.
I don’t know why. I don’t know what happened to cause this, but still here I am. It’s amazing and beautiful and frankly… terribly unfair. There are trans people who’ve been on HRT decades and had multiple surgeries who don’t get to this point.
I don’t know why I got here and they didn’t. Dysphoria is bizarre and mysterious in that way (on top of being horrible and soul-crushing). As if I wasn’t already privileged enough, now this. I almost feel like I need to apologize for it. Why did this happen to me?
If you’re wondering about how I’m privileged, in ways many trans people are not, see the trans tuesday on PRIVILEGE (time and money).
I’ve searched for how I got here and I still don’t know. My deepest wish is for EVERY trans/non-binary person to get to this point, but I can’t point out a path to get here. Not only is it incredibly different for everyone, I don’t even know how *I* did it! It’s a mystery to me!
As I’ve mentioned many times before, the majority of my dysphoria has always revolved around my face. Facial hair, never seeing myself in mirrors/photos, all of it. Body hair is also bad, but we’ll get there in a minute.
So last year I was up to shaving my face every day and being in near constant pain from it, as I’d started shaving against the grain to get my face entirely smooth, and thus have the rest of the entire day where my face both looked and felt like mine.
I’m still doing that, but the pain is all but gone. There are still some sensitive spots that give me issues, but for the most part it’s okay. And having changed everything about the way I did it, and maintained that for a year, means the act of shaving no longer causes dysphoria.
But it takes me a good twenty minutes to do (if you think about how little surface area your face actually has, you’ll realize how long that really is). Do I resent having to spend that much time on it? SO MUCH. But it’s far better than the alternative.
I finally hit the arbitrary testosterone level our health insurance said I had to drop below before they’d authorize electrolysis. HOORAY! Except it happened right before the delta wave of COVID hit, and things here in LA have just been getting worse and worse.
As I live with someone who’s immunocompromised, I still cannot risk going somewhere to sit with my mask off for hours at a time, session after session after session, while every hair is finally zapped off my face for good. (the entire process takes many months)
I want to do that. I want it gone for good SO VERY BADLY. But I’m not going to put the life of someone I love at risk just so I can finally get rid of it. It’s hard to keep waiting. SO HARD TO KEEP WAITING. It’s the worst thing I’m dealing with right now, transition-wise.
For more on the unique difficulties of a PANDEMIC TRANSITION, see its trans tuesday.
The bonus of my T finally dropping much lower is that my body hair growth has actually slowed. Not nearly enough for my taste, but enough so that I no longer have to epilate. I shave everything once a week and that’s… okay.
The day before shaving is the hardest, when the hair’s the longest, even though it’s still not that long. But not having to spend that 45 minutes of intense pain from epilating every week is pretty nice. I did a trans tuesday on my struggles with BODY HAIR.
I am so happy (and astonished and bewildered and entirely baffled) to tell you the absence of dysphoria in that very long streak in the second Photos thread has continued unabated. It just keeps happening. I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT!
It’s so strange to know at the beginning of my transition I would (legit) take 200 photos to find ONE I could live with. A year ago that was down to finding one in 20. Now it’s finding one in… one. Honestly it’s just about picking which ones I like best, which is just unbelievable.
I mean there are still some I don’t like! But just in a… normal way? I’m not tossing them because of dysphoria, I’m tossing them for a weird shadow or a flyaway hair or any number of other totally normal reasons.
And sure, sometimes I don’t like the way I look in them, but they’re almost never for dysphoria reasons. They’re just not great photos in a “normal” way? I don’t know. More on this in a bit.
Still running four 5ks a week, up to 300 push-ups beforehand, also doing a bunch of reverse-crunches and side planks to work on my abs, and even extra bicep curls. My biceps are getting bigger, which is… nice. 😎 https://twitter.com/TillyBridges/status/1522607592387661824
My 5k times continue to rise. Last year I said I could still get to (or near) my pre-HRT average time, but it felt like it would kill me to do so. Now? It feels like it kills me to get to even a minute SLOWER than that. It’s just destroyed my ability to speedily do cardio of any kind.
This is part of why the whole TRANS SPORTS “controversy” is such complete and utter bullshit. If you missed it.
But let’s talk about those pictures of my bicep linked above. Because now I have a tattoo! And that’s because my body finally felt like MY body, which is something I didn’t even know I didn’t have or could ever get to (which is why it’s not mentioned in the one year check-in).
I did a trans tuesday about BODILY AUTONOMY (and my tattoo).
I’ve had to use more public restrooms, and the ones that aren’t single-occupant still feel fraught. I’m not AS terrified as before, but it’s not great. Honestly though that one’s on society and not me. It shouldn’t be awful to just have to pee in a public bathroom!
If you can’t imagine that because you’re cisgender and thus it’s something you’ve never had to think about, have a read of CIS PRIVILEGE.
It continues to be my very favorite part of me, especially now that I’ve learned even MORE about how to care for it and can get it looking how I want. It’s the very most ME thing about my physical body, and I could not love it more.
Speaking of things I love (or am starting to, anyway), let’s talk TRANS VOICES.
I’m STILL in voice therapy. It’s been two years now, I think. My voice is finally FINALLY getting to a place where… I think I like it! And now we’re working on taking that like to LOVE. It’s not there yet, but we’re on the way.
It’s not easy. I still struggle to remember all the things I have to do, and then I hear my voice sounding wrong and OH HI DYSPHORIA. But I’m now to the point where I remember more than not, and I’m getting more consistent with it.
My voice therapist thinks we’re in the final stages of what she can do for me. Once I’m doing progressing through the stuff we’re working on now, I’ll just be… done with it.
My voice won’t just always be perfect after that. It will continue to take work and practice and time (I have to sit and do my voice homework for 20 minutes every day, recording myself and listening back to hear what I did wrong, each time working to improve it).
It’s still THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO IN MY LIFE. The difficulty level is just off the charts. HRT does NOTHING for a trans lady’s voice. It’s all about understanding the biology of speech and changing the way it works within our body (and mind).
It’s kind of grueling, honestly. Especially since I have to keep listening back to myself messing up (and thus spiking dysphoria) in order to correct and get better. But I can hear the progress compared to recordings from a year and two years ago. It shocks me.
Once I get to where I’m REALLY happy with it, I’ll do a follow up thread with some audio samples so you can hear the difference. I don’t know if it will help me get gendered correctly on the phone (though I HOPE so, damn), but it’s making ME feel better at least.
On the legal side of name/gender change things, most of the important stuff is done. I still need to update my birth certificate and our car registration, and I should probably get a passport before laws are passed making that impossible to get with my real gender on it.
Our marriage certificate will probably never be able to be updated, as we got married in a state that really really hates trans people. But I have the legal document from the judge that links my deadname to my real name, so hopefully that won’t be an issue.
In terms of other changes from HRT, I continue to FEEL like myself every day and that’s a damned delight. My breast growth continues, slowly, but progress is progress (they hurt almost all the time, but that’s from growing so… KEEP IT UP).
And let’s not forget what the absence of dysphoria has done for me mentally. Just an absolutely life-changing difference. See FREEING UP MY BRAIN aka LUNCH WITH TILLY.
Still no development of any kind in my tiny little butt, still no more curve/hips than I had last year. WHAT A SCREW. HRT is a process and it takes time time TIME, and you never know what you’re gonna get or when you’re gonna get it. I continue to hope.
I am surprised to discover that it’s still changing, and things I liked the way I looked in just a few months ago now leave me feeling muted. I don’t know what my style is, really, still trying to figure that out (I have some thoughts on that for a future thread).
Remember earlier in the thread I mentioned tossing photos out just because I didn’t like them much, for a variety of reasons, but not for dysphoria-based reasons? That ties in here, a bit, as we get to the end of the thread and the part most of you are probably waiting for…
The transition timeline photos! They’re kind of A Thing trans people do, and they are admittedly cool to see the changes over time. I didn’t think to take a photo of the DAY that I started HRT, but last year I found the one that was the closest and took a new one to match.
I wore the same shirt, did my makeup the same way, all so you could (maybe?) better see the changes to my face from HRT. And so I did that again this year, and for the first time in a long time I… had to take a LOT of photos. But still none of them felt right.
They weren’t dysphoric, but they weren’t… me. As my style evolves, as my tastes evolve and become clearer to me, as I learn what *I* really like and who I am, as *I* evolve… those old photos don’t feel like me. And that’s why none of these were working.
That look isn’t me anymore. I don’t want my makeup like that, I still have that shirt but it’s more something I’d wear to run errands or clean in or when just lounging around on a dumpy day, if that makes sense. NONE of it felt like ME.
So I just tossed them all. I’m not gonna post stuff that’s not who I am anymore. That would be LESS of an accurate representation of the changes over time. So I changed my shirt and makeup and instantly got a ton I really loved, because they. were. ME.
And this is tied in with everything else, all the incredibly surprising new things that have happened to me (in terms of transition) in recent months.
Like that I’ve had the mental energy to try new things, that photos and reflections don’t spike my dysphoria, that my body finally felt enough like mine that a tattoo was something I could seriously consider are all part of the same thing.
Whatever caused it, whatever blessed thing it was, I’ve clearly passed a point where something changed, or enough somethings changed, that many of the issues I’ve struggled with SO MUCH for my ENTIRE LIFE are decreasing, minimizing, or leaving altogether.
And that’s just fuckin’ WILD. It’s why I started transitioning to my true self. It’s what I hoped would happen. But if I’m honest it wasn’t something I thought I’d ever really attain. If it just got better, made the unlivable pain of dysphoria a little better, it’d be worth it.
And now I experience gender euphoria daily! Multiple times a day! All day long! The very idea of this is almost unbelievable to me. If you’re not familiar with GENDER DYSPHORIA, read up!
So here’s the transition timeline so far. Both old photos spike dysphoria now. At the time, each was closer to me than I’d ever been. My face looks so much rounder/softer to me now. If only the poor ultra-dysphoric Tilly of 2 years ago knew the real her she’d find not too far off.
My face isn’t just softer, but look how my hair’s changed. Look at my eyes change!
In that new one? Hi! That’s Tilly! Wait… I’M TILLY! THAT’S ME!
That I’d actually get here, and after only two years? It’s blowing my damn mind.
Nobody who transitions is guaranteed to get to this place, but if you’re wondering if you should? EVERY step closer to the real YOU is worth it. Finally being myself EVERY DAY is the best thing ever. And if I can do it so can you. I believe in you.
PS – there were more photos I liked, so you’re gettin’ ‘em! Because I will never, ever, EVER tire of getting to see her in photos. Because that her IS me. And she’s cute af. 😉
Welcome to #TransTuesday! I’m finally going to do my one year out/one year on HRT check-in! Technically this should have been done a month ago, but I… had the date wrong on when I started HRT. Whoopsie! Anyway, let’s see where things are at in my ONE YEAR OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN.
I’m not going to reference every past Trans Tuesday post, just the ones I feel are applicable and due for an update. Also please remember that whatever the first year has been like for ME is in no way indicative of every trans person’s experience.
It’s interesting re-reading that, and seeing when I was having to boymode simply because of facial hair problems I could do nothing about. See BOYMODE AND GIRLMODE for more.
I still have gender dysphoria. I’m not sure it’ll ever go away entirely. But it’s not as bad, hits me less intensely, and when I do get the really awful bouts of it they seem to be few and far between. Not boymoding helped that a lot.
So have the changes HRT has brought, but we’ll get to that. Most of my dysphoria has always revolved around my face and facial hair (and to a lesser extent my original, very un-feminine torso).
I honestly didn’t think I’d ever be able to get to the point where I am now, which is… shaving every. Single. Day. And not only that, I’m shaving against the grain. Which is… not great!
My face basically feels like it’s always on fire. ALWAYS. There’s never a time when I can not feel it stinging and burning. But doing it this way removes the “shadow” almost entirely, and is only mostly noticeable the next morning, when I shave again.
And the act of shaving does give me dysphoria, but way less than before. I changed shaving creams, I changed the way I moved my hands while shaving, I changed the order of the parts of my face I shave, all of which has made it easier to not associate with how I shaved before.
But I still hate doing it, hate that I HAVE to do it, and resent the time it takes. And again, the whole face-constantly-feels-like-fire thing. But when I tell you I see no shadow after, and my skin feels smooth, and how MUCH that lessens my dysphoria… it’s all 100% worth it.
I still haven’t been able to start electrolysis/laser hair removal. Our insurance does cover it (yay!) but won’t okay it until my testosterone falls below some arbitrary number they set (boo). I suppose that’s under the auspices they think it’ll stop or slow enough on its own.
But… who knows when that will be? If ever? And in the meantime our insurance has decided all the pain it causes me to have it and have to deal with it is something I just have to live with. Which is some. fucking. bullshit.
I’d just go get it outside of our insurance, now that we’re vaccinated, but paying for it out of pocket is absolutely not an option right now, so I’m stuck with the fiery face shaving. And that’s a shitty thing to force a trans woman into.
This has gotten a LOT better! I can now usually find photos I really like, that feel like me and what I want to see (well, much more so anyway), without having to take two hundred to maybe find one good one. Now I can find one I like in every 10 or 20!
Which may still seem like a lot, but trust when I say it’s a vast improvement. I don’t despise looking through them, either! Far fewer of them spike my dysphoria like they used to. And sometimes I catch my own reflection in the mirror and it makes me smile.
IT. MAKES. ME. SMILE?!? That alone is just a monumental signifier to me that things are getting better. Mile and miles better. And I think that’s due to HRT, to my hair, to my clothes, to the happiness and confidence I can see in my own eyes now. It’s remarkable and entirely new.
Still running four 5ks a week, still doing push-ups beforehand. I was shocked to see in the original post I was at 170 push-ups before each run last year… because I’m now at 270! But let me tell you something…
My arms barely look more muscular now than they used to. Part of that is not being able to see them as easily due to fat redistribution from HRT, but it’s also because HRT has made it so that I have to basically work twice as hard as I did before to see the same results.
Not hyperbole! HRT affects everyone differently, but it’s had a huge impact on me in that regard. Also I’ve been using the same running app for a very long time, and have probably a thousand activities tracked in there. And look at this.
My AVERAGE pace is one minute slower per mile than last year. And let me tell you, it’s RARE I can even hit that average time. It’s definitely still in the process of slowing down even further. And hitting that time makes me feel like I’m gonna DIE.
Whereas the old average pace was just my actual average… not pushing myself hard at all. And now, to get an entire minute slower, I have to push myself as hard as I can. It’s very frustrating, because I feel like I’m pushing so hard every day…
And then my app is like “this was your 725th fastest run” and I want to scream. There’s really nothing to be done about it, but I didn’t at all account for how frustrating that would feel on a near-daily basis.
I HAVE had to use public bathrooms a bit now (in the brief period we had where things opened up before we had to severely lock down again thanks to the delta variant) and it is FRAUGHT. It’s terrifying. Even when Susan accompanies me.
I will stop drinking HOURS before I have to go somewhere, and not drink anything at ALL while I’m out, to avoid using a bathroom that’s not all-gender or single occupant. Or if I don’t know what kind of bathrooms will be available somewhere.
Just think about intentionally dehydrating yourself for HOURS before you dare go anywhere in public, to try to minimize any possible harassment just because you have to pee. Please get back to me on how that feels.
I’m still as privileged as before, though I’ve already mentioned how money concerns have held me back from zapping the hair off my face for good. It’s still an issue for clothing and makeup and running shoes (and the tattoo I want!) too.
And time… I sink even MORE time in these days, because doing almost twice as many push ups takes twice as much time. Shaving EVERY DAY takes much more time than the three or so times a week I could do it before.
And I love my hair, and know how to take care of it now, and guess what that takes? I still resent (SO. MUCH.) how much time I have to give up to get through all these things, but again… dysphoria’s worse, so I’ll take it.
I am dismayed to tell you that while HRT has somewhat slowed my body hair growth (I think?), it’s not enough to have changed the hair removal that’s required. I still have to shave and then epilate everything once a week. EVERY week.
It’s so much that my epilator just DIED ON ME. Again, I’m using it 3-4 times as often as it was intended (for most cis ladies), and on like 2-3 times as much body surface area. I burned it right out.
And it takes just as much time to do it now as it did at the start, there’s really no way to make it faster. I resent this time sink MORE than any other. I find it infuriating, and it hasn’t gotten any easier or less annoying to do. Might just be the way things will always be. Alas.
HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE check-in. I continue to slowly build out my wardrobe, and am still trying to find out what my tastes are, and what looks good on me. It’s a slow process (especially due to money). I’ve found I don’t like some things I thought I would, and vice versa. It’s… illuminating.
I definitely have more than ever, I see it and feel it in myself. I’ve only been around others in a very limited capacity, and in one instance (my first in a group setting with friends), it was outside and loud and I was masked and voice therapy made that untenable for me.
(More on that soon). The result was I didn’t say much, which didn’t make it easy to figure out how to act and talk in these situations as my true self. Definitely more experimenting and experience needed here, as covid allows.
I’ve learned how to take care of it SO much better than before, and obvs I do have bangs now, and I love it more than I ever have. I’ve mentioned this in multiple threads, but it’s my favorite thing about my body and I just love it to pieces.
Related to earlier topics, the two photos in that first Hair thread give me really bad dysphoria now, especially the one that appears first. At the time those were the GOOD ones I liked! More on that at the end of this thread.
SPORTS check-in. Which is only because it’s being made an even bigger deal now, as everything surrounding Laurel Hubbard in the Olympics this summer has shown. So I’m just going to ask you to PLEASE READ THIS THOROUGH DEBUNKING OF THAT NONSENSE.
TRANS VOICES check-in. I’m still in voice therapy, one session every two weeks. I’ve come really far and learned so much, and I’m starting to really dig where my voice is going. It’s not as tough now as it was at the beginning.
But I’m still learning new techniques, and am only now figuring out to speak in ways people identify/label as “more feminine” with any kind of volume. The method my voice therapist uses, you learn the breathing and pronunciations first.
And this is why I mentioned above in the Confidence update that, at that outdoor social gathering, where everyone was talking AND we were all masked… it was basically impossible for me to be heard while speaking in the manner I’m learning.
The result being either I had to talk in my false old voice just to be heard, or I said as little as possible. I went with the latter because the former makes me feel awful. But in quiet, low-attendance settings, you can hear me fine. And it’s getting better!
I can’t wait for the day I have to call someone and they don’t call me “sir” without even knowing who I am. Ugh. Again, please, let’s just do away with gendered honorifics, hm?
I have the judge’s decree officially changing my name and gender marker. EEEEEE I’m LEGALLY TILLY. And as you may have seen, my new social security card is now in hand. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Later today I’m going to submit my proof of ID docs to the DMV for a REAL ID, and once those are approved I go in with my SS card and the judge’s decree and that should take care of it. I hope! I can change… every single other thing in my life.
In addition to stuff mentioned in that thread, and already mentioned today, (body hair growth not really slowing, exercise being even more difficult than last year), there have definitely been other changes.
It’s changed the way I FEEL. Not physically when I touch things, but emotionally. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but it’s… different. I dig it. And I’ve been thinking about this all year, how to describe the feeling, and I still couldn’t figure it out.
So I started saving artwork that, when I saw it, I said, “Yes THAT. That is the way HRT makes me feel.”
And another.
I’ve been wearing the same size women’s running shoes as before, but now… my feet fit in them better! I suspect I’ve lost about half a shoe size. Which is kind of cool actually, as it means there may be more ladies shoes I will fit into.
Height? Okay listen. I don’t understand it. At all. I have been 6’2” my entire adult life. I am now 6’ and 1/2 inch. WHAT. HOW. This is a known thing that happens to trans ladies on HRT, but like… where did that inch and a half go?! 🧐
Breast growth continues. I’d like a lot more. Not necessarily anything ostentatious, but you know, I’m 6’ (APPARENTLY) and would like them to be more noticeable to make ME feel better, and help me be more often gendered correctly. Still hurt like mofos almost all the time.
Oh, and the day I first saw THIS was pretty spectacular. You can see it easiest in my running clothes, so that’s the photo you get.
Did you miss it? Look! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!
That. Is. Entirely. New! I think I first noticed it a few months ago, though I don’t remember exactly when. My sides used to be straight like a wall all the way down. It’s VERY EXCITING! I guess some of the fat from the sides of my torso redistributed to my hips? SCIENCE!
Sadly there’s still nothing to speak of in my ass (ahem). There’s just nothing there. Won’t someone think of the children*?? (for all values of “children” that = my perpetually baggy bottoms in all my women’s jeans and shorts that my tiny little butt cheeks cannot fill out)
I see a lot of difference in my face. Well, to be clear, I think the differences are maybe subtle, but they’re a lot to ME. What do you think? I see it fuller and rounder, and it makes me so happy.
Here’s a side by side with a photo I liked last year that felt good at the time and now spikes my dysphoria, when it didn’t before! Because, to me, I’ve come a long way already. And there’s still so much farther to go.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today’s topic is an important one for those of you out there who have (or will eventually have) transgender people in your life: NAMES AND PRONOUNS.
Again, remember that I do not speak for all trans people or all trans women. These are my own experiences, which probably share larger commonalities with many trans folks, but every trans person’s experience is unique.
Let’s start with pronouns, because it’s something I see a lot of cisgender people struggle with, but it’s really very simple if you approach it the right way. There was some discussion this week of “cis” or “cisgender” being a slur of some kind?
It literally just means when you were born and a doctor looked at your junk and assigned you male/female, and you feel your gender is in keeping with that assessment. That’s it! You have to contort yourself into some kind of pretzel to think that’s somehow denigrating.
Okay so if you were assigned male and identify as a man, people use “he” and “him” and “his” when referring to you. And “she,” “her,” and “hers” if you were assigned female and identify as a woman.
When a transgender person tells you their gender and what their correct pronouns are, those are the ones you should use. Now, in the future, and (IMO) when referring to them in the past, before they transitioned.
Because they’ve *always* been trans, regardless of how they presented or if they even knew at any given time.
See the trans tuesday on REAL CIS ACCEPTANCE where I talked about how being invited into women’s spaces made me feel seen.
Pronouns (and names) are the easiest way to show any transgender (or non-binary) person that you SEE them and accept them. The first time I’ve heard people call me Tilly, or use “she” or “her” when referring to me, it made my heart feel like it would explode. You have no idea.
Small sidebar: Non-binary means someone doesn’t identify as a man or a woman. They could feel like neither, they could feel they’re like a 50/50 or 70/30 mix, they could be gender-fluid and some days feel like a man and others a woman and yet others neither. Or both.
Sidebar con’t: It’s not for me to say if non-binary people are transgender or not. Some may feel they are, some may feel they’re not. Their call. Either way they deserve the same respect all other cisgender and transgender people do. Okay, sidebar over.
If you are a cisgender man, how would you feel if people kept talking about you by saying things like “she’s a friend of mine,” “that belongs to her,” etc. Stop and actually think about the feelings that would evoke in you.
You’d wonder WHY they’d keep doing that when that’s clearly not who you are. And realize transgender people spent our entire lives prior to transitioning having to deal with that, and it feeling wrong and possibly even hurtful, even if no ill will was intended.
Choosing to use the wrong pronouns for us is like smacking us in the face. That’s where this dovetails nicely with names, and I can give you the best and easiest way to understand all of this. I had an English teacher my junior year of high school that I really liked.
Sadly I can’t even remember her name now, but something she said hit me like a ton of bricks and is still with me to this day. We were discussing a reading we’d done, and some kids in the class didn’t understand why she pronounced a character’s name different from everyone else.
And she said she was using the correct pronunciation, because she’d known real people with that name. And here’s what stuck with me all these years. She asked, “What’s the correct way to pronounce someone’s name?”
The answer, quite obviously, is, “However they tell you to.” And that’s what it all boils down to. If you had a wonderful Space Dad from France named Jean-Luc, but you kept calling him “gene luck,” how unbelievably disrespectful would that be?
What about people who may be legally named Elizabeth, but go by Beth or Liz or Lizzy or Lizzie or Betty or Liza or Eli or Bethany? They tell you what they prefer and you just… call them that, don’t you? Of course you do.
I know someone whose legal first name is Roger. His middle name is Richards (with the S!). Everyone, my entire life, has called him… Rick. And it’s what he prefers. So what kind of ass would you have to be to know that and call him anything other than Rick?
And I speak of intention. If you *intentionally* call someone anything other than what they want to be called… well, ever had someone give you a nickname you hated? Ever had them keep calling you that anyway? It’s that, only ten times worse.
So when a transgender person tells you their true name, it’s what you should use. And again, IMO, that means even referring to things they may have done with you in the past, etc. The name you knew them by then wasn’t their real name.
A trans person’s old name is called a deadname, and using it is often painful for them as it reminds them of the feelings (and memories) associated with their dysphoria before transitioning. And that’s not to say they don’t have happy memories with you…
…or that they don’t want those memories. Just realize all of them are complex because you couldn’t SEE them back then, no matter how hard you tried. So deadnaming is incredibly disrespectful and hurtful.
But again, for me, it comes down to intent. Are you calling me “Jeffrey” on purpose? Because if so you can fuck off into the sun. Or was it accidental because it takes time to rewire our brains, especially if you knew me by that other name for so long?
I don’t want to hear someone call me that name again, though it’s still going to happen because who knows when I’ll be able to legally change it (thanks covid!). But in an analogy I gave to someone else a few weeks ago, it’s like changing where you keep your keys.
You KNOW they’re in the new spot, but for two months you accidentally keep looking for them in the old spot and it takes time to rewire your brain to remember they’re not there anymore. Names and pronouns are way more important than keys, but still.
We’re all human, and I know it takes time. Just a couple weeks back I accidentally misgendered a good friend of mine. They’re non-binary, and their pronouns are they/them, but I was referring to everyone in the discussion (besides me) and said “gentlemen”.
I didn’t realize I’d done it until later, and I felt HORRIBLE. So you know what I did? I immediately contacted the person in question and apologized and made sure they knew it wasn’t intentional. And that’s literally all I’m personally asking of anyone else.
Slip-ups happen. When they do, just apologize and be sure they know it was accidental. Intent is the key to all of it. You either respect us as people or you don’t, and it’s on you to be sure we know what side of that line you’re on.
If you’re meeting someone for the first time and aren’t sure if they’re trans? Don’t ask! Literally none of your business. They’ll tell you if they want to. And if they do tell you, never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ask what their deadname was.
Sure, some trans folks (like me) would be fine telling you. Or, well… if not fine, it wouldn’t necessarily bother me, though it WOULD make me uncomfortable to say. For others it would be genuinely painful. Why take that chance?
What use is that information to you anyway? Absolutely none. Don’t risk it. Respect them as who they tell you they are.
So how do trans people choose their names? A billion different ways. It’s deeply personal for everyone. It could be a family name, or a name of a friend or fictional character that’s important to them, or literally any number of other things.
For me, I always HATED “Jeff” and switched to “Jeffrey” as soon as I moved out of my parents’ house. I thought it was because my mom always called me the former, and so I wanted to get away from that as she and I had a… difficult relationship.
And that was definitely part of it, but the latter felt more “me”. When choosing my true name, I initially thought about Victoria, but that wasn’t right, and then I thought maybe Vicky or Tori, but those weren’t right either.
But those led me to realize I liked the ending “ee” sound, which of course “Jeffrey” has. And then I realized that there WERE things I liked about “Jeffrey”, and maybe I could find a way to keep those while finding something else that fit me.
So the T in Tilly looks kind of like the J (when the J has the bar on top, anyway), but I didn’t want another J name. I don’t like the J for… some reason. The double L in the middle of Tilly looks kind of like the double F in the middle of Jeffrey.
And the end sound is the same. So I used those parameters and Tilly not only fit them, but as soon as I thought of it I tried it out in my head for a few weeks, and that was it. I was sold. It was ME.
So no, I didn’t name myself after the character on Star Trek Discovery (though I do adore her). And no, I didn’t name myself after the clothing story (though I do generally like their stuff). Did those two things put the name in my head, though? Possibly.
And it’s not short for Matilda or anything else. It’s just… Tilly. I’ve often said House of Secrets is the best comic shop in L.A., and they just upped their game… because look what they put in the file with our comics.
I hadn’t even told them yet! I feel SEEN and House of Secrets, I LOVE YOU FOREVER. Also I got my first piece of mail with my new name. Guess what it was? Motherfucking hair bands, woooo! (had no idea I was going to like these so much, but that’s neither here nor there)
I don’t know what it’s like to just feel your name IS you for your entire life. Have you thought about it? Does your name fit? Do you like it? Is it YOU? Would you like something else better?
I’ll tell you this much. It may have been the most empowering moment in my LIFE to choose my own name, and tell everyone what it was. And honestly, I’m really not sure why everyone doesn’t do it, cis and trans and non-binary alike! It’s amazing. Maybe give it some thought.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! This is a revision and update of a past thread because it seems current events demand it. It keeps coming up again and again, and it’s literally a non-issue. So let’s talk about TRANS PEOPLE IN SPORTS.
Initially I debated whether to even cover this topic, as I’ve not been personally involved in any organized sports since coming out and probably won’t have time for that in the foreseeable future (though I would if I could). But that hasn’t stopped society from going bananas about it.
Also weighing on the side of “maybe not worth talking about?” is that the entire issue is so cut and dry to me. But this isn’t about me, it’s about everyone reading and education and, well… the news once again sort of forced my hand and it seems people don’t know.
A quick Google for info on trans people and sports will turn up a whole host of articles. Lots of them about why we trans women, specifically, shouldn’t be allowed to compete with cis women.
I’d like to quote a few key parts of it, like this: “…only permits swimmers who transitioned before age 12 to compete in women’s events.” You’ll see why I pulled this specific quote out in a few minutes.
“‘It’s what the scientists are saying, that if you transition after the start of puberty, you have an advantage, which is unfair,’ James Pearce, who is the spokesperson for FINA president Husain Al-Musallam, told The Associated Press.”
It’s NOT what scientists are saying at all, but you’ll also see why I pulled this section out in a minute. Because it’s not unfair at all, you disingenuous bigots. This is all such bullshit and it makes me so incredibly mad.
There’s a few reasons, as it’s garbage on multiple levels. I will unpack to show you why. And once you’ve read and understood… I honestly don’t see how anyone could have an issue with it. Well, there’s one reason. We’ll get there.
The biggest complaint is that trans women would have an “unfair advantage” in competing with cis women, because many of us went through male puberty and thus may (MAY!) have higher muscle density, be taller, etc.
So there’s two main reasons this is absolutely untrue. The first of which is if you do an ounce of digging, the people who don’t want trans people competing are the same people trying to take away access to puberty blockers for kids and teens.
They are safe and make no permanent changes and in many cases are life-saving. I talked about that in depth in TRANS KIDS AND THE INTAKE EXAM (hold on to this link, it’ll be important again later, too).
Now if your assertion is that going through male puberty gives trans women an unfair advantage (again, it doesn’t, and that’s BULLSHIT but we’ll get there)… would you not WANT trans kids to have access to care early on that would block said puberty? The kids certainly would!
And yet that doesn’t happen. At all. Just like people yelling the loudest about being “pro-life” weirdly don’t have any interest in increasing access to birth control and sex education. Huh. Why? SUCH A MYSTERY. 🤔
If you WERE truly only concerned about trans women who’d gone through male puberty, you’d be the loudest advocate for life-saving care and puberty blockers for trans kids. But you’re NOT, are you? Does that strike you as odd? It’s so convenient for them!
In an ideal world, every trans kid would be in a supportive, loving home and would have access to the care they need. But of course we don’t live in that world, do we? And even if we DID, some people still won’t discover they’re trans until adulthood. That’s how it goes.
Everyone is different, we all figure it out in different ways and at different times. So what of we who transition as adults? What of trans women like me who went through male puberty and thus have those “advantages” that make competing with cis women “unfair”?
Well! A lot of those “advantages” disappear once you go on hormone replacement therapy. For trans women, testosterone is lowered and/or blocked and estrogen is introduced. Guess what one of the biggest effects of that is?
LOSS OF MUSCLE MASS. I haven’t even been on HRT two years and I already struggle to open jars of jelly for my PB&J that previously never gave me issues. I still do all my push ups before runs, but it’s a struggle to do the same amount that I breezed through before.
I have to work TWICE AS HARD to get close to the same results I got before. And that only goes for strength training! On my runs I’m REGULARLY ninety seconds per mile slower, often even slower than that.
I just CANNOT get close to my pre-transition times. In fact, nearly two years into hormone replacement therapy, I’m still progressively getting S L O W E R. And there’s nothing I can do about it! I’m not trying or pushing any less than before. I just CANNOT DO IT like I used to.
Even so, I’m still pretty buff, and I’m still 6’ ½” (don’t take that half away from me, let me cling to my tall person ledge as long as I can). Guess what the average height of the CIS WOMEN in the WNBA is? SIX DAMNED FEET.
Cis women can be tall! They can also be buff. I mean have you watched the Olympics, oh… EVER? Let me remind you of (CIS!) lady weightlifters. (I’m swooning over their biceps. You will be too, if you know what’s good for you.)
What about someone who loves football and wants to be a lineman, but isn’t a 300+ pound tank of a person? What if someone IS a 300+ pound tank of a person but wants to be a wide receiver?
Don’t people whose bodies just happen to be best built for those positions have an “unfair” advantage? And yet where are the multitude of voices decrying the way that all of professional sports works? WHERE?
My favorite example is Michael Phelps, one of the most dominant swimmers of all time. In his prime he was nearly unbeatable. Do you know WHY that is? HIS BODY PRODUCES HALF THE LACTIC ACID AS AN AVERAGE PERSON.
Lactic acid is what makes your muscles tired. By producing less, he can swim longer and faster without tiring as much. YET ABSOLUTELY NO ONE EVER SAID HE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO COMPETE WITH OTHER CIS MEN BECAUSE HIS GENETICS GAVE HIM AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.
Where was the “fairness” outrage? The article after article of hand-wringing, concern-trolling, “but but but the genetic advantages are unfair” whining? WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?
And still no one said… wait, MY body can’t do what his body does, he shouldn’t be allowed to compete with the rest of the men who aren’t like that.
IT’S ALMOST AS IF THOSE WHO ARE GENETICALLY PREDISPOSED TO BE GOOD AT A SPORT ARE THE PEOPLE WHO EXCEL AT SAID SPORT AND CAN COMPETE AT AN ELITE LEVEL, AND THAT’S LITERALLY HOW ALL OF PRO SPORTS OPERAAAAAATES??
Yes, you have to put in the work and the training and the effort, but all of that will still only get you to a certain point. You can be an astonishingly good basketball player and be 5’ tall, and even then you’d have a hell of a time making it into the NBA.
The entire “unfair advantage” argument holds absolutely zero water, even IF trans women DID have an unfair advantage. In many cases we don’t have an advantage anyway, and if we do, it’s certainly not more than any other cis women genetically predisposed for a sport may have.
Some cis women have elevated levels of testosterone naturally, just because we’re all different and our bodies are amazing and unique and strange. Should they not be allowed to compete now?
What about cis ladies who have broad shoulders or strong jawlines? Who don’t shave their legs? Where the hell do you draw the line? Who gets to do the policing? If you want to say “no uterus, no women’s sports,” then what about ladies who’ve had hysterectomies?
It’s the exact same as the bathroom issue, which I talked a bit about in the trans tuesday on CIS PRIVILEGE.
So saying trans athletes are an issue, when none of those other things are, basically says you think trans people are transitioning just to compete as a different gender to MAYBE have a chance at that “unfair advantage”. The unmitigated gall it takes to even THINK that…
You’re saying someone would upend their lives, live in a society where many people hate you for existing, where medical care can be difficult or impossible to find and you face discrimination at every turn… just to maybe win some sports against cis women?
You’re saying you know more than we do about who we really are. You’re saying you don’t see us as WOMEN. You’re saying you know more than our doctors and therapists and professionals trained in this, who affirm we are who we say we are.
Do you remember what I had to go through to “prove” I’m transgender (go back to that TRANS KIDS AND THE INTAKE EXAM trans tuesday)? And people are doing this en masse to trained professionals? To cheat? At SPORTS??
Am I saying nobody would ever cheat? Of course not. But doping has been an issue in sports since sports have existed. Yet nobody said cis men and women should be banned from sports because some of them abuse steroids, which actually DOES give them an unfair advantage. So weird!
People say if trans women are allowed to compete with cis women, we’d be dominant in everything and cis women would never have a shot. So… where is it? Where are the trans women dominating sports?
Because you can’t clock all of us as trans. Again, how do you even make that determination and who gets to? It’s sexist patriarchal bullshit. Trans women HAVE competed with women, and if we were dominating in any sport you’d fucking know it already!
TRANS PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO OPENLY COMPETE IN THE OLYMPICS SINCE 2004. How many of them have medaled?
“Show me the evidence that trans women are taking everyone’s scholarships, are dominating in every sport, are winning every title. I’m sorry, it’s just not happening.”
“So we need to start from inclusion, period. And as things arise, I have confidence that we can figure it out. But we can’t start at the opposite. That is cruel. And frankly, it’s just disgusting.”
“So, we need to really kind of take a step back and get a grip on what we’re really talking about here because people’s lives are at risk. Kids’ lives are at risk with the rates of suicide, the rates of depression and negative mental health and drug abuse.”
“We’re putting everything through ‘God forbid a trans person be successful in sports.’ Get a grip on reality and take a step back.”
Okay so what’s the reason for all this? Well friends you know as well as I do that it’s TRANSPHOBIA, because it literally can’t be anything else! For every reason I’ve already laid out for you.
This is just another in a long line of new rules and regulations and legislation trying to eliminate trans people from public life. Can’t swim if you transitioned as an adult, state won’t allow you to transition as a kid, then you’re legally barred from public bathrooms and your healthcare. https://twitter.com/CBSNews/status/1539250967979470848
We and our doctors know who we are better than you do. And none of us would choose to go through the UNENDING BULLSHIT the world continually throws at us just so we can beat you in a race… which we’re not even doing anyway.
Recognize this for the hatred it is, and understand that there’s literally nothing more to keeping trans people out of sports than unrepenting, unending bigotry for people who are different and throw the entire cis binary status quo into question.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! It’s Pride month, so that means we’re gonna talk about Target, and Dylan Mulvaney/Bud Light, and the Los Angeles Dodgers, and: RAINBOW CAPITALISM.
If you’re unsure exactly what Rainbow Capitalism is, or why it upsets so many people, this is the thread for you. We have evidence galore! But what it basically amounts to is corporations posting rainbow logos and selling queer merch while otherwise stabbing us in the back.
On the surface, you’d maybe think the rainbow/Pride merch isn’t a bad thing. Any group being catered to by a corporation means they’ve realized there’s money to be made from that group, and that’s worth more to them than the blowback from bigots who will complain. Theoretically.
So in that respect (and that respect ONLY) you can see it as a good thing, or at least a sign that some societal acceptance is changing for the better. No corporation in the 1980s was selling rainbow merch or even claiming to support queer people, right? Progress.
And if that’s ALL that it was, then it wouldn’t be so bad. It’d be just another sign of the rampant commercialization and commodification of EVERYTHING in our capitalist society.
And I admit it’s nice to have merch with the trans flag on it. I have a shirt with the Star Trek delta/trans flag combo that means SO MUCH to me, because it’s OFFICIAL. But it’s more than just blowing smoke because Trek has been actually featuring non-cis characters!
Me with long curly hair and curly bangs, in pink-framed glasses with eyeliner and pink lipstick, in a navy blue t-shirt that has the Star Trek delta on it (the inside of the delta is filled with the trans flag). My left hand is giving the Vulcan live long and prosper salute, and my black leather cuff watch is visible on my left wrist.
I think they could still do more, and I don’t think they’ve always gotten it perfect, but there’s actual, real progress and it means the world to me and a lot of other trans and non-binary folks. And I love my goofy tank top with a cat wearing pride flag sunglasses, as ludicrous as it is.
Me with long curly bangs and long curly hair (I know I always describe it the same but it’s my hair what do you want from me), in blue-framed glasses, in blue eyeshadow and dark eyeliner and red lipstick and red nail polish, in a blue tank top with a white cat head on the front. The cat wears sunglasses and the lenses show the pride flag, which is super weird and is thus great.
But it’s not all fun t-shirts and mugs and socks and pajamas. A lot of the time there’s sadly something much more sinister going on.
A tweet from @AudioJillian (the Tillys Trans Tuesdays podcast sound mixer) that reads: Our station is actually running Price promos! THey say wonderful sentiments like “All means Y’all” and “whatever flag you fly or what color your stripes are.” You know what they don’t say? ANYTHING ABOUT GAY OR QUEER LISTENERS.
And sometimes, a corporation tries to get in on the action without even realizing what they’re doing, or possibly implying, as this ad from Burger King Austria does. Tops and bottoms, huh? Sure.
An add from Burger King Austria showing two Whoppers in front of a rainbow, the one on the left has two top buns and the one on the right has two bottom buns. Text at the top reads “Time to be proud.” and text on the bottom reads “Pride Whopper” but the E in Whopper is replaced with a rainbow flag.
In that article you’ll find mention of some of Burger King’s past treatment of queer employees and issues, and now we’re starting to get to the heart of the matter.
I’ve searched and searched, and while I can find statements from Burger King regarding the death and covid policies, I haven’t been able to find anything from them taking a stand and refuting the bigoted manager who blamed it on HRT.
Maybe it’s out there and I’ve missed it, but if you ARE pro-queer (and even if you just cynically want to be SEEN that way for our delicious queer cash), wouldn’t you BLANKET that statement everywhere, disavowing that manager’s words? It should be easy to find!
Companies will say they support us, then fire us for simply wanting the same respect that every cisgender and heterosexual person at the company gets by default.
Look at all these companies with rainbow logos who supported the politicians who enacted Florida’s “don’t say gay” bigotry. That’s not allyship!
An image showing corporate pride/rainbow logos and how much each company has donated to supporters of Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill: Charter Communications ($229000), Draft Kings ($50000), PepsiCo ($35000), AT&T ($102500), Comcast NBCUniversal ($92000), Anheuser-Busch ($35000), Walgreens ($31500), Zillow ($20000), Amazon ($7500). Text reads, “Contributions from 1/1/2020 to 2/15/2022 to bill sponsors, legislators who votes for the bill in committee, Speaker of the Florida House Chris Sprowls, and Governor Ron DeSantis. Source: Florida Campaign Finance.”
It’s so bad you can make jokes about it with notably evil fictional companies.
An image reading- Nobody: Corporations during June: (a collection of logos from evil companies in fiction, in rainbow colors, including, Umbrella Corporation, UAC Union Aerospace, Silver Shamrock Novelties, Skynet, OCP, Shinra Corporation, RR, Lexcorp, inGen, Weyland-Yutani Corp, Mishima Zaibatsu, Abstergo Industries, Black Mesa Research Facility, Aperture Laboratories, Mann Co., SCP Foundation, Mom’s Friendly Robot Company, and Virtucon.
If you want some info on companies with rainbow logos, who claim to support us and want our money, yet will turn around and donate to politicians who are taking our rights away, here you go.
Note the last one on that list is Ulta. I get a lot of makeup and hair products from them, so I’m on their marketing emails (I get too much email but I want the sale notices and discounts, IT’S A REAL DILEMMA).
Anyway, this one I experienced personally. Imagine my utter shock and (pleasant) surprise when this email came in:
A very (VERY) long vertical image showing a marketing email from Ultra for Pride. There are photos of three people of varying races and genders, and images of various makeup products interspersed throughout. Text reads:
With Pride. Whoever you are. Whoever you Love. However you identify. We’re proud to celebrate and spotlight the LGBTQ+ community, this month and beyond. This week, get to know organizations making a difference, and the brands that support them.
The Trevor Project. Creating a safer, more inclusive world through crisis intervention for LGBTQ+ youth, plus critical research and advocacy. Brands that donate: Maybelline, Kiss, OPI, Madison Reed and L.A. Girl.
The Pride Foundation. Building a better, safer, more equitable world through community organizing and student support. Brands that donate: L.A. Girl.
Los Angeles LGBT Center. Caring for the community in Los Angeles and beyond with health and social services, housing, education and advocacy, and more. Brands that donate: NYX Professional Makeup.
Ali Forney Center. Transforming lives by protecting LGBTQ+ youth from homelessness, empowering them with tools to live independently. Brands that donate: L’Oreal.
Triangle Community Center. The leading provider of programs and resources to nurture and support LGBTQ+ residents of Fairfield County. Brands that donate: Eyelure.
G.L.A.A.D. Founded as a protest against defamatory coverage of the community, G.L.A.A.D. works through media to share stories that accelerate acceptance. Brands that donate: Sally Hansen.
The Point Foundation. Empowering LGBTQ+ students to achieve their full academic and leadership potential through financial aid and scholarships. Brands that donate: Scunci.
True Colors United. Striving to end homelessness in the queer community, fueled by the belief that housing in a human right. Brands that donate: Manic Panic.
I know that’s a weird size, but I wanted to include it all. Hopefully you can zoom in to see it. It shows brands that Ulta sells, and which LGBTQIA+ organizations those companies donate to and support. That feels much closer to something real!
Of course you should still do your due diligence and check who else those companies may donate to. Ulta has seemingly donated very little to politicians, and much moreso to democratic ones, but ANY dollars supporting republican PACs isn’t great.
But it’s only $1500 total, came from individuals and not the company itself, and is utterly obliterated by the amount given in support of democratic candidates who are much more likely to support queer causes, so that might be as good as it gets in this world.
And as soon as that happened… the company walked back their support of her to appeal to the bigots who got offended at a trans woman existing. And of course Anheuser-Busch is actually a HUGE donor to the Republicans. So they obviously don’t care about queer people at all.
And even more recently, there was the issue with the Los Angeles Dodgers. If you’re not aware, the team was going to have a Pride night, as many sports teams do. A night to celebrate their queer fans during one of the games. Seems like a good thing, right?
A tweet from the Los Angeles Dodgers that reads: In the spirit of unity, the Los Angeles Dodgers are proud to host our 10th annual LGBTQ+ Pride Night on June 16th. This event has become a meaningful tradition, highlighting not only the diversity and resilience within our fanbase, but also the impactful work of extraordinary community groups. This year, as part of a full night of programming, we invited a number of groups to join us. We are now aware that our inclusion of one group in particular – The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence – in this year’s Pride Night has been the source of some controversy. Given the strong feelings of people who have been offended by the sisters inclusion in our evening, and in an effort not to distract from the great benefits that we have seen over the years of Pride Night, we are deciding to remove them from this vear’s group of honorees.
So what the hell is going on here? From their own website, here’s who the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are: “The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are a leading-edge Order of queer and trans nuns. We believe all people have a right to express their unique joy and beauty.
“Since our first appearance in San Francisco on Easter Sunday, 1979, the Sisters have devoted ourselves to community service, ministry and outreach to those on the edges, and to promoting human rights, respect for diversity and spiritual enlightenment.
“We use humor and irreverent wit to expose the forces of bigotry, complacency and guilt that chain the human spirit.”
They’re a charitable organization that’s been around for over 40 years, made up up queer people WHO EXPOSE AND LAUGH AT BIGOTRY to make political statements. They were there supporting the community through the AIDS crisis when we were abandoned by everyone else.
In fact, the Dodgers just gave the LA chapter of the Nuns an award for their twenty-seven years of charitable service to the city. AND THEN DISINVITED THEM FROM PRIDE NIGHT WHEN BIGOTS COMPLAINED THAT THE NUNS MAKE FUN OF BIGOTS.
You can visit lasisters.org to learn all about them and their mission of compassion and acceptance for everyone, and how their goal is to support the queer community and spread our joy. You can read their statement on this train wreck there, too.
People like thirsty sycophant MARCO RUBIO, from ultra-fascist Florida, complained that the nuns mocked Catholics with a “lewd imitation” of nuns. And let’s unpack that a little. Because it’s a continuation of the “all queerness is inherently sexual” bullshit the Republicans keep spewing.
“We can’t have a gay kiss in media even though hetero kisses are everywhere! Queer people are pedophiles!” Florida just made it a crime for trans people to use public bathrooms under the guise that all trans women are sex offenders BY DEFAULT. This is that exact same bullshit.
Drag and trans people are seen as inherently sexual and awful simply by existing. Further, IMITATIONS OF NUNS is free speech protected by the first amendment! There’s literally NOTHING wrong with or illegal about it.
But religious bigots get their undies in a bunch every single time they’re called on their bigotry, and those religious bigots who are politicians complained and the Dodgers INSTANTLY folded. Not only that…
They DARED to do it while talking about “unity” and “diversity” and “the impactful work of community groups,” thereby implying that the sisters are the antithesis of all of that. THIS IS THEM SAYING “QUEERNESS IS ONLY OKAY IF THE BIGOTS AGREE WITH IT.”
HEAVEN FORBID WE UPSET THE BIGOTS BY CALLING OUT THEIR BIGOTRY.
As we’ve talked about many times in Trans Tuesdays, there is no “both sides.” You either believe in equality and human rights, or you don’t. The other side of that IS LITERAL BIGOTS AND NAZIS. And the Dodgers said, “well the bigots have some good points…”
Which thereby tells EVERY SINGLE QUEER PERSON that they’re not welcome there. And there you see the Dodgers’ rainbow capitalism laid bare: they only wanted our dollars, they only wanted to APPEAR supportive. In reality, they don’t give two shits about us.
However, after a LOT of outcry, and many big queer organizations pulling out of the Dodgers’ Pride Night in protest, they thankfully reversed course.
A new statement from the LA Dodgers (with rainbow logo! natch) that reads: After much thoughtful feedback from our diverse communities, honest conversations within the Los Angeles Dodgers organization and generous discussions with the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, the Los Angeles Dodgers would like to offer our sincerest apologies to the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, members of the LGBTQ+ community and their friends and families.
We have asked the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence to take their place on the field at our 10th annual LGBTQ+ Pride Night on June 16th. We are pleased to share that they have agreed to receive the gratitude of our collective communities for the lifesaving work that they have done tirelessly for decades.
In the weeks ahead, we will continue to work with our LGBTQ+ partners to better educate ourselves, find ways to strengthen the ties that bind and use our platform to support all of our fans who make up the diversity of the Dodgers family.
Thankfully public pressure got them to reverse that terrible decision, but the ending of the new statement is key. They need to work WITH the queer community on these things, all companies do. You can’t just be reactionary babies every time a bigot throws a fit.
And this wasn’t even SOLELY corporate greed, because their Pride collection featured items from indie queer creators! Which is exactly how it should be, so there’s money going TO queer people and it’s helping people find their work.
But then that merch is pulled, which hurts the very people you’re trying to help (both the creators and those who’d like to purchase the items to support them).
And this is a really tough situation on the surface, because Target wants to (and has an obligation to) protect their employees, especially those who are queer and/or trans. But they also have an obligation to not abandon those marginalized voices they were spotlighting.
In the past they faced backlash over masking policies… and stood firm. In the past they face bigoted backlash for having an inclusive bathroom policy and letting trans people use their true names on nametags, even if it hadn’t been legally changed yet.
And by all accounts I could find, they respected employees’ pronouns. And when the bigots complained about all of that, still they stood firm. They didn’t cave. But now they have. And thus the bigots are emboldened.
If you show them their violence and terrorism works, THEY WILL KEEP DOING IT. You do not cave to this crap, all that does is justify it in the heads of the people who get enraged at rainbow merchandise not targeted at them, like some emotionally stunted babies.
I also want to remind you they are a MEGA CORPORATION WITH MANY RESOURCES. They need to sue the violent bigots into the ground with all their resources, and then guess what? It will STOP, and queer people will be protected. But no, they just caved. And it’s sickening.
But this of course brings us to “is there any ethical consumption in a capitalist society?” To which the answer is probably no and the best we can do is try to minimize the damage with our purchases while trying to effect painfully slow system-wide change.
And I guess the point I’m making is to just know where your dollars are going, but also that corporations CANNOT (well, “should” not, because clearly they CAN) say they support us while donating to people/organizations that want to take our rights away.
This ties in directly with my Trans Tuesday on TRANS POLITICS, wherein I explain how you CANNOT vote for people who want to harm us and claim you are an ally, a friend, or even family. You do not truly love us or care about someone you’d vote to take rights away from.
Oh I hear you say YOU would never vote to take our rights away, but if you vote for politicians who do, I’m sorry to tell you that’s the exact same thing. You might as well be signing trans healthcare bans yourself for all the harm you’re doing.
If you go to Chick-fil-A, you are giving them money they WILL use to hurt us. It doesn’t matter if you donate the same amount you spent to a pro-queer org. They don’t cancel each other out, you’re ENABLING THEIR BIGOTRY AND HELPING THEM HARM US.
If you’re interested, Matrix Resurrections also deals with this somewhat, though also with the erasure/co-opting of trans voices. But that’s not an entirely unrelated topic, because what are these companies doing if not claiming to be with us while not listening to us?
A tweet from Erin Reed, @ErinInTheMorn, that reads: Corporate DEI team: thinking of painting your logo rainbow? DON’T, unless your company has: – Pulled out of a state with anti-trans laws if applicable. – Donated to 0 anti-LGBTQ politicians. – Covers ALL trans healthcare – including FFS/Hair removal/top surgery
Corporations need to NOT support politicians/causes that hurt us, they need to offer full trans healthcare coverage as part of their health insurance package, they need to use their pull to fight for us politically.
Queer people are human beings who deserve equality, not inanimate pawns meant to increase your wealth.
If all you want is our money, and don’t support us getting equal rights?
Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week things are gonna get uncomfortable, literally. Strap in (a ha, it is to laugh) because we’re talking about: TUCKING AND BINDING. Cis folks, this one includes activities you can do right in your own home!
Caveat: as a trans woman, binding isn’t something I’ve done or have any experience with. But it’s the other side of the coin so I wanted to mention it. As you might expect, this thread is going to mostly focus on tucking.
Okay soooo what the hell are tucking and binding? Very generally, tucking is what some people who were assigned male at birth (AMAB) do to hide the penis and testicles. Binding is what some people who were assigned female at birth (AFAB) do to hide breasts.
Why on earth would we do that? There’s a few reasons, and it can be a combo of them or even something else entirely. Also trans men and women aren’t the only ones who employ these techniques. Many non-binary, agender, and gender fluid people also do it.
One of the big reasons is gender dysphoria. If a trans woman’s secondary sex characteristics make her dysphoria worse, she might want to hide them just so she doesn’t have to see them and be reminded.
Hiding the penis and testicles provides for a more typically (cis) feminine appearance. Even if a trans woman wants “bottom surgery” to make this not an issue, the wait is often years long. Tucking may help in the meantime.
Also, maybe you’ve never considered this, but women’s clothes are exclusively designed for cis women. Which means there’s not… room in the crotch. FOR STUFF. Which means when wearing women’s clothes, those of us AMAB are faced with some problems.
It can be really uncomfortable, or even downright painful. On top of that, as the clothing wasn’t designed with room for crotch junk, said crotch junk can show in ways clothes designed for cis men might prevent.
And lemme just make it clear that if a trans lady WANTS to show that area off, that’s her business. How many cis men wear pants that are too tight for exactly the same reason? If they get to do it, so do trans women.
But even if a trans woman doesn’t WANT to tuck, it can also be an issue of safety. And I suspect you can imagine the added danger we’d open ourselves up to in public by being a woman who had visible crotch junk under her pants. It’s a big flashing neon I’M TRANS sign.
I’m not ashamed of being trans. I love being trans. I don’t hide it. I’ll probably never really be able to pass for a cis woman anyway, which is an entirely different and complicated issue I talked about in the trans tuesday on MISGENDERING AND PASSING.
But considering the epidemic of violence against trans people, especially us trans women, anything that can minimize that is a good thing. So tucking is also very much a safety issue.
We shouldn’t have to do that just to make ignorant violent cis people leave us alone, should we? Hell no. But this is the society we live in.
Okay okay okay, so now you know why we do it, and (roughly) what it is. And I bet you’re wondering… how… does one do that? Remember when I said there was something you could try right in the comfort of your own home?
Guess what I’m going to ask you to do today! 🌟
Listen. There’s not a lot of being trans that cis people can actually experience for themselves. BUT THIS IS ONE THING YOU CAN. And I want you to. Because it will give you a little more insight into some of the things we deal with.
Alright, CIS DUDES, are you ready? You’re a manly man, nothing to be afraid of! You can do it, I believe in you! Here we go.
Did you know that humans have a little… opening, I guess, for lack of a better word, in the abdomen? It’s called the inguinal canal, and in AMAB folks, it’s basically right under/behind the penis at the top of the scrotum (OH NO WEIRD MEDICAL CROTCH TERMS).
If you gently poke around there you should find it. Here’s where the fun comes in… y’know how your testicles move around in the scrotum? There’s room for them to do that, because they like to party. SO LET’S PARTY.
GENTLY push them up INTO the inguinal canal. I hear your screams from here, but it’ll be fine as long as you’re careful. Spoiler alert: they’ve probably been in there before, like when it’s very cold or at other times when they recede somewhat.
One goes up and in on each side. Then you pull the penis down and back to rest between your butt cheeks. Don’t pull too hard, or too far, or wedge it in there hard or anything. But that’s where it goes.
If ANYTHING HURTS you’re doing it wrong. It should be uncomfortable (DEFINITELY UNCOMFORTABLE), but not painful. If it hurts, undo and try again.
Then you pull your underwear and pants back up, and voila! Your junk be hidden.
Okay, now what? Try walking around. Try bending over. Try SITTING. Now imagine doing that for… an hour. Two hours. Eight hours. Welcome to a tiny portion of the trans woman experience!
Oh and any time you have to pee, guess what? Undo and redo all of it.
Every time.
You may notice things are… popping out. Yep! You have to use things to help hold it all in place… some people use tape (ouch) or sports tape that’s at least meant for skin. Some use a gaffe that goes over the underwear.
There’s even now something called T-tape meant just for this, but I’ve not tried it. What I presently use are underwear with a gaffe sewn right in, specifically made for trans women. They’re called Tuck Buddies and you can find them on Etsy. Highly recommended!
It flattens the front appearance and helps keep everything tucked away without popping out. But I have to remember to put these underwear on if I’m going out, because regular underwear will absolutely not work.
And stop and imagine for a minute if every time you left your home you had to remember to pause and think about what underwear you’re wearing, and then very likely have to go change them just to go to the grocery store. Fun, no?
For cis women to try binding your breasts, well, here I’m at a loss. You know how a sports bra really flattens out the area? That’s a good start. There are binders made for this specific purpose, but they can be expensive.
If any trans men or non-binary folks experienced with binding have tips about ways to safely try at home, please share them! I sincerely hope some cis ladies will give it a shot, just to help better understand what we’re dealing with. You can at least read more about it here: https://www.prideinpractice.org/articles/chest-binding-physician-guide/
There’s also a flip-side to this. Before hormones made my breasts grow, I wore silicone breast forms in my bra. Why? A couple reasons. One, it lessened my dysphoria. A LOT. It made me look, and more importantly feel, like the real me.
Second, I’ve talked a bit about how buying an entire new wardrobe is… expensive. I touched on that in the trans tuesday on PRIVELEGE (time and money).
So if I bought women’s clothes that fit me when I had no breasts to speak of, they might not fit me anymore when that changes, and I just cannot afford to replace every item of clothing I own twice (much less the ONCE that I already have to).
This meant that grabbing a $30 pair of fake boobs to drop in my bra was the most economical solution to helping me get clothes that will, hopefully, fit me for a while. Even though we all know women’s clothes don’t last that long. I did a trans tuesday on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE.
I don’t use the breast forms anymore, because I don’t need to, which makes me incredibly happy! But I’m so glad they were there for me early on, because they actually really helped.
And for those who were AFAB, the corollary is what’s called a “soft pack,” which is a soft silicone penis and testicles they can situate in their underwear. And they do it for all the exact same reasons.
Are there long-term effects of tucking or binding? There is suspicion that tucking could lead to infertility (this is not a big deal for any trans woman already on hormone replacement therapy, as it already does that). Folks who use binders regularly may end up with back issues.
Would it surprise you to learn nobody really knows? Because we’re not considered important enough for these things to be studied. Hell, almost all of HRT exists because the drugs were developed for OTHER reasons, and then also had applications for trans people.
So if anyone out there in the medical community would like to start specifically studying how these things affect trans folks, or possibly even develop medications actually intended for us first and foremost, that’d be super.
Until then, we’ll keep doing the best we can with what we have, because it’s better than the alternative. Anything we can do to get to a truer us.
Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re getting into two topics! One is very straightforward and easy, the other is convoluted and complex. But they’re intrinsically related, so we’re gonna talk about them together. Let’s get into MISGENDERING AND PASSING.
Misgendering, quite clearly, is when someone genders another the wrong way. This doesn’t just happen to trans people, mind you! It can happen to cis folks too, especially if they don’t conform to the rigid stereotypes of what women and men “should” look or act or sound like.
In fact, if you check out the trans tuesday on TRANS REP IN MEDIA 2022 (in movies/tv) you can see misgendering cis people is often played for laughs. It’s a JOKE, isn’t it FUNNY someone mistook this girl for a boy? O HO HO IT IS TO LAUGH.
Passing is the more complicated issue, but only in terms of talking about it. It’s incredibly easy to understand. If you’re not familiar, it’s when a trans person can “pass” or be seen as a cis person of their gender.
And already you can hopefully see how fraught and delicate that topic is, because you’re talking about the ways other people PERCEIVE us, and that is ALL wrapped up in societal “norms” and implicit biases. See the trans tuesday on IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA for more info.
If you’re interested in the science behind misgendering and why it happens, my lovely friend Zoe has an article for you.
I have gotten misgendered a lot. Most trans people have, and that’s ALSO because of the implicit queerphobia (and sexism, and a whole host of other issues) society imprints on us because we are raised inside of it.
We’re led to believe women and men “should” (I stress those quotes) look and behave a certain way, and if someone doesn’t, or “worse” (MEGA stress on those quotes) is read as a gender different than what we are, we get misgendered. I have a fine (horrible) example for you.
I’m at the pharmacy picking up prescriptions. The woman at the register proceeds to call me “sir” six times in the span of five minutes.
In case you’re wondering, so you understand the situation: my hair was down, and is quite long. I’m wearing ladies’ cat eye glasses, a lady-cut leather jacket (unzipped) with visible boobs (in a bra) under my shirt, lady-cut jeans, and a goddamned purse. My mask is light pink.
And the mask covers (what I feel is) the most masculine part of my face, my jawline. And I’ve spent over TWO YEARS in voice therapy to feminize my voice. WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO? How are you still choosing to call me “sir”?
I do not believe this cashier was being malicious about it. Actually it’s possible she never even looked at me long enough for it to register, and was replying to me simply based on my voice. Which… again, I’ve been working on for a very long time.
Either way, the result is I was specifically coded the way our society codes women, saying LOOK AT ME: WOMAN. RIGHT HERE. And
it
didn’t
matter
And it just wrecked me for the rest of the day. It actually might have been easier to deal with if it HAD been intentional and malicious, because then, while still awful, you can be like “they’re just a bigot and their opinions are all wrong and don’t matter anyway.”
But no, here was just a person who absolutely did not (or did not care to) see me as the person I am. And I’m doing everything I can to make you SEE ME. Please, see **ME**. I’m right here! Look! This ties right into the trans tuesday on CONFIDENCE.
Trans people have spent our LIVES not being seen, feeling alone and isolated in our own bodies. We finally discover the truth, get the courage to transition in a society that discriminates against us and often actively harms us…
And we’re still NOT SEEN. It’s just devastating. It made me feel smaller than I ever did when *making* myself small because of my dysphoria. It was worse. So much worse. It made me feel like no matter what I do, maybe the world will never see ME.
And this is where we dovetail with “passing.” No trans person should have to pass to be accepted as themselves in society. We should be able to just be ourselves, whatever our most true self may be, and that should be the end of it.
But our society is deeply flawed (in so many ways), and sadly it just doesn’t work like that. I don’t think I pass, but I also don’t want to. I’m fine if people read me as trans, because I’m SO PROUD to be trans. Truly.
But there’s a safety issue at play, right? Because violence against trans people, especially us trans women, is an epidemic. Cis women have it bad too, don’t misunderstand, but it’s not the same. The danger is definitely heightened when your variety of woman is trans.
So if a trans person can pass as cis, that can help them be more safe and even more accepted by the cis people around them. If they read us as “one of them,” they’re less likely to otherize us or harass us or worse.
I don’t care if I pass. But if I did, I’d get “she” and “her” and “miss” much more often affirming me as who I am. I wouldn’t get discriminated against (for being trans, but still definitely would for being a woman).
If I passed, I wouldn’t get stared at by so many people every time I’m out, where I can see the gears turning in their heads as they try to figure out my gender (as if it’s in any way relevant to them or any of their business).
See the trans tuesday on STOP STARING AT US (trans people are human beings) for more on what that does to a person.
If I passed, I wouldn’t have my DMs full of chasers popping in to harass me, sexualize me, and then immediately spout transphobic vitriol at me if I don’t respond positively. There’s a whole trans tuesday on CHASERS AND THE FETISHIZATION OF TRANS WOMEN.
No trans person should HAVE to pass just to be treated like a human being!
And there’s the other side of the coin… where if you feel you need to pass because you can’t or don’t want to “look trans” that’s a BIG problem and is INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA at work. Yep, there’s a trans tuesday on it (natch).
As I’ve mentioned before, part of me does wish I was a cis woman, because it would be so much easier. And because of all the experiences as a young girl that I missed out on. But it’s not being cis that I want, I just want a life that’s not so hard and life experiences I missed.
For more on that, see THE CONSTANT FIGHT for the ways cis people make trans existence a constant and necessary fight for survival (by design).
And see THE PAST AND WHY IT HAUNTS US for how difficult our own pasts can be for trans people who transition as adults.
But I AM proud of being trans. It’s who I am, and it took so much work and self-reflection and fucking courage, and I’m proud as hell of all of it. Every trans person should be. I don’t want to hide it. And I shouldn’t have to.
But I’m not here to judge any trans person who passes. NONE of us should judge any trans person for whether they pass or not, or WANT to pass or not.
Everyone has to decide what’s best for them, and even that can be in flux over time, as we learn and change and grow. And that’s fine. Just let people BE.
Maybe what would help is somehow doing away with “sir” and “miss” and “ma’am” entirely. Do we NEED these gendered words? If the cashier at the pharmacy had simply said “Sorry for the delay” instead of “Sorry for the delay, sir,” it would have been no less respectful.
And I also can’t help but think of all our nonbinary friends, for whom ALL of the above gendered words are going to make them feel like they’re not seen. I mean damn, if they go see a show and it opens with an address of “ladies and gentlemen,” they’re already left out.
I don’t know if there’s an easy answer. There’s probably not. Other than simply ASKING someone their pronouns before you begin a discussion with them.
That’s why people putting their pronouns in their bios on social media is so important, because it normalizes it. It’s an easy show of support from cis allies to say, hey, telling people your pronouns (or asking someone for them) is perfectly fine, we should ALL do it.
So until our society, our language, and our lexicon can come up with some better way of addressing people respectfully without gendering them at all… please just ask.
Because that simple act could be the difference between a trans person feeling seen and affirmed and like they belong in the world, or their entire day being ruined and maybe feeling like nobody in the world will ever really see them.
And just ask people their pronouns! It’s not hard, and could mean the world to someone. Signed, the lady who still sprouts wings and takes flight when someone refers to her with “she” or “her” or “hey you tall buff lady.” 💜
