Trans 101

New Trans 101

TUCKING AND BINDING

Welcome to Trans Tuesday! This week things are gonna get uncomfortable. Literally. Strap in (a ha, it is to laugh) because we’re talking about: TUCKING AND BINDING.

Cis folks, this one includes activities you can do right in your own home!

Caveat: as a trans woman, binding isn’t something I’ve done or have any experience with. But it’s the other side of the tucking coin. 

Okay soooo what the heck are tucking and binding? Very generally, tucking is what some people who were assigned male at birth do to hide the penis and testicles. Binding is what some people who were assigned female at birth do to hide breasts.

Why on earth would we do that? There’s a few reasons, and it can be a combo of them or even something else entirely. Also trans men and women aren’t the only ones who employ these techniques. Many nonbinary, agender, and gender fluid people also do it.

One of the big reasons is GENDER DYSPHORIA. If a trans woman’s secondary sex characteristics make her dysphoria worse, she might want to hide them just so she doesn’t have to see them and be reminded.

Hiding the penis and testicles provides for a more typically (cis) feminine appearance. Even if a trans woman wants bottom surgery to alleviate this issue, the wait is often years long. Tucking may help in the meantime.

Also, maybe you’ve never considered this, but women’s clothes are exclusively designed for cis women. Which means there’s not… room in the crotch. For stuff. Which means when wearing women’s clothes, those of us AMAB are faced with some problems.

It can be really uncomfortable, or even downright painful. On top of that, as the clothing wasn’t designed with room for crotch junk, said crotch junk can show in ways clothes designed for cis men might prevent.

There are even specialty undies to help trans women with this, which you can learn more about in the essay on TRANS FREEDOM (and underwear).

And lemme just make it clear that if a trans lady wants to show that area off, that’s her business. How many cis men wear pants that are too tight for exactly the same reason? If they get to do it, so do trans women.

And this isn’t the only thing cis people do that they have no problem with, but throw a fit when trans people do it too. See CIS PEOPLE GET GENDER AFFIRMING HEALTHCARE TOO.

But even if a trans woman doesn’t want to tuck, it can also be an issue of safety. And I suspect you can imagine the added danger we’d open ourselves up to in public by being a woman who had visible crotch junk under her pants. It’s a big flashing neon I’m trans sign.

I’m not ashamed of being trans. I love being trans. I don’t hide it. I’ll probably never really be able to pass for a cis woman anyway, which is an entirely different and complicated issue you can learn about in MISGENDERING AND PASSING.

But considering the epidemic of violence against trans people, especially us trans women, anything that can minimize that is a good thing. So tucking is also very much a safety issue. And for more on so many of the hurdles we jump through just to not be harassed or assaulted see the essay on BOYMODE/GIRLMODE.

We shouldn’t have to do that just to make ignorant violent cis people leave us alone. But this is the terrible society we live in.

Okay okay okay, so now you know why we do it, and (roughly) what it is. And I bet you’re wondering… how… does one do that? Remember when I said there was something you could try right in the comfort of your own home? (I should warn you now, there’s nothing “comfortable” about it.)

Guess what I’m going to ask you to do today! 🌟

Listen. There’s not a lot of being trans that cis people can actually experience for themselves. Although… see the essay on GENDER EUPHORIA, because that one you definitely can.

But! Tucking and/or binding is something you can do. And I want you to. Because it will give you a little more insight into some of the things we deal with.

Alright, cis dudes, are you ready? You’re a manly man, nothing to be afraid of! You can do it, I believe in you! Here we go.

Did you know that humans have a little… opening, I guess, for lack of a better word, in the abdomen? It’s called the inguinal canal, and in AMAB folks, it’s basically right under/behind the penis at the top of the scrotum (oh no weird medical crotch terms).

Learn more about it here.

a medical diagram showing the location of the inguinal canals

If you gently poke around there you should find it. Here’s where the fun comes in… y’know how your testicles move around in the scrotum? There’s room for them to do that, because they like to party. So let’s party!

Gently push them up into the inguinal canal. I hear your screams from here, but it’ll be fine as long as you’re careful. Spoiler alert: they’ve probably been in there before, like when it’s very cold or at other times when they recede somewhat.

One goes up and in on each side. Then you pull the penis down and back to rest between your butt cheeks. Don’t pull too hard, or too far, or wedge it in there hard or anything. But that’s where it goes. 

If anything hurts, you’re doing it wrong. It should be uncomfortable (definitely uncomfortable), but not painful. If it hurts, undo and try again.

Then you pull your underwear and pants back up, and voila! Your junk be hidden. Well… mostly. 

But okay, you’ve successfully done your first tuck! Now what? Try walking around. Try bending over. Try sitting down. Now imagine doing that for… an hour. Two hours. Eight hours. All day every day that you have to leave your home, or maybe all day every day if it makes your dysphoria better. Welcome to a tiny portion of the trans woman experience!

Oh and any time you have to pee, guess what? Undo and redo all of it.

Every time. 

You may notice things are… popping out. Yep! You have to use things to help hold it all in place… some people use tape (ouch) or sports tape that’s at least meant for skin. Some use a gaffe that goes over the underwear. And again, some use specialty underwear that’s meant to smooth the area over, as discussed in that TRANS FREEDOM (and underwear) essay.

There’s even something called T-tape meant just for this, but I’ve not tried it. 

But all of this is to flatten the front appearance and help keep everything tucked away without popping out. Before I had enough tucking undies to use every day, I had to remember to put them on if I was going out, because regular underwear will absolutely not work.

And stop and imagine for a minute if every time you left your home you had to remember to pause and think about what underwear you’re wearing, and then very likely have to go change them just to go to the grocery store. Fun, no?

For cis women to try binding your breasts, you know how a sports bra really flattens out the area? That’s a good start. There are binders made for this specific purpose, but they can be expensive. You can also try doubling up a sports bra to get more compression. But you have to be really careful, because obviously you are restricting your chest, which means if you do it wrong or too tightly you can injure yourself. Either way, it may somewhat restrict your breathing. And this is what trans men and some AFAB nonbinary people have to do every day.

You can read more about safely binding your chest here.

There’s also a flip-side to this. Before HRT made my breasts grow, I wore silicone breast forms in my bra. Why? A couple reasons. One, it lessened my dysphoria. A lot. It made me look, and more importantly feel, like the real me.

Second, I’ve talked a bit about how buying an entire new wardrobe is… expensive. See the Trans Tuesday on PRIVILEGE: TIME AND MONEY.

So if I bought women’s clothes that would only fit me when I had no breasts to speak of, they might not fit me anymore when that changed. And I just cannot afford to replace every item of clothing I own twice (much less the once that I already had to).

This meant that grabbing a $30 pair of fake boobs to drop in my bra was the most economical solution to helping me get clothes that would, hopefully, fit me for a while. Even though we all know women’s clothes don’t last that long. See the essay on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE.

I stopped using the breast forms about six months into medical transition, because I didn’t need them anymore. Which made me incredibly happy! But I’m so glad they were there for me early on, because they really helped.

And for those who are AFAB, the corollary to breast forms is what’s called a soft pack, which is a soft silicone penis and testicles they can situate in their underwear. And they do it for all the exact same reasons.

Are there negativeg long-term effects of tucking or binding? There is suspicion that routine tucking could lead to infertility, but no hard data. Folks who use binders regularly may end up with back issues.

Would it surprise you to learn nobody really knows? Because we’re not considered important enough for these things to be studied. Hell, almost all of HRT exists because the drugs were developed for other reasons, for cis people, and then also had applications for trans people.

So if anyone out there in the medical community would like to start specifically studying how these things affect trans folks, or possibly even develop medications actually intended for us first and foremost, that’d be super.

Until then, we’ll keep tucking and binding, and doing the best we can with what we have. Because it’s so much better than the alternative. 

Anything we can do to get to a truer us.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

PS – Cis folks! Did you try tucking/binding? I hope so, and I want to know how it went!

Trans 101

MISGENDERING AND PASSING

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re getting into two topics! One is very straightforward and easy, the other is convoluted and complex. But they’re intrinsically related, so we’re gonna talk about them together. Let’s get into MISGENDERING AND PASSING.

Misgendering, quite clearly, is when someone genders another the wrong way. This doesn’t just happen to trans people, mind you! It can happen to cis folks too, especially if they don’t conform to the rigid stereotypes of what women and men “should” look or act or sound like.

In fact, if you check out the trans tuesday on TRANS REP IN MEDIA 2022 (in movies/tv) you can see misgendering cis people is often played for laughs. It’s a JOKE, isn’t it FUNNY someone mistook this girl for a boy? O HO HO IT IS TO LAUGH.

Passing is the more complicated issue, but only in terms of talking about it. It’s incredibly easy to understand. If you’re not familiar, it’s when a trans person can “pass” or be seen as a cis person of their gender.

And already you can hopefully see how fraught and delicate that topic is, because you’re talking about the ways other people PERCEIVE us, and that is ALL wrapped up in societal “norms” and implicit biases. See the trans tuesday on IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA for more info.

If you’re interested in the science behind misgendering and why it happens, my lovely friend Zoe has an article for you.

I have gotten misgendered a lot. Most trans people have, and that’s ALSO because of the implicit queerphobia (and sexism, and a whole host of other issues) society imprints on us because we are raised inside of it.

We’re led to believe women and men “should” (I stress those quotes) look and behave a certain way, and if someone doesn’t, or “worse” (MEGA stress on those quotes) is read as a gender different than what we are, we get misgendered. I have a fine (horrible) example for you.

I’m at the pharmacy picking up prescriptions. The woman at the register proceeds to call me “sir” six times in the span of five minutes.

In case you’re wondering, so you understand the situation: my hair was down, and is quite long. I’m wearing ladies’ cat eye glasses, a lady-cut leather jacket (unzipped) with visible boobs (in a bra) under my shirt, lady-cut jeans, and a goddamned purse. My mask is light pink.

And the mask covers (what I feel is) the most masculine part of my face, my jawline. And I’ve spent over TWO YEARS in voice therapy to feminize my voice. WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO? How are you still choosing to call me “sir”?

I do not believe this cashier was being malicious about it. Actually it’s possible she never even looked at me long enough for it to register, and was replying to me simply based on my voice. Which… again, I’ve been working on for a very long time.

Either way, the result is I was specifically coded the way our society codes women, saying LOOK AT ME: WOMAN. RIGHT HERE. And

it

didn’t

matter

And it just wrecked me for the rest of the day. It actually might have been easier to deal with if it HAD been intentional and malicious, because then, while still awful, you can be like “they’re just a bigot and their opinions are all wrong and don’t matter anyway.”

But no, here was just a person who absolutely did not (or did not care to) see me as the person I am. And I’m doing everything I can to make you SEE ME. Please, see **ME**. I’m right here! Look! This ties right into the trans tuesday on CONFIDENCE.

Trans people have spent our LIVES not being seen, feeling alone and isolated in our own bodies. We finally discover the truth, get the courage to transition in a society that discriminates against us and often actively harms us…

And we’re still NOT SEEN. It’s just devastating. It made me feel smaller than I ever did when *making* myself small because of my dysphoria. It was worse. So much worse. It made me feel like no matter what I do, maybe the world will never see ME.

And this is where we dovetail with “passing.” No trans person should have to pass to be accepted as themselves in society. We should be able to just be ourselves, whatever our most true self may be, and that should be the end of it.

But our society is deeply flawed (in so many ways), and sadly it just doesn’t work like that. I don’t think I pass, but I also don’t want to. I’m fine if people read me as trans, because I’m SO PROUD to be trans. Truly.

But there’s a safety issue at play, right? Because violence against trans people, especially us trans women, is an epidemic. Cis women have it bad too, don’t misunderstand, but it’s not the same. The danger is definitely heightened when your variety of woman is trans.

So if a trans person can pass as cis, that can help them be more safe and even more accepted by the cis people around them. If they read us as “one of them,” they’re less likely to otherize us or harass us or worse.

I don’t care if I pass. But if I did, I’d get “she” and “her” and “miss” much more often affirming me as who I am. I wouldn’t get discriminated against (for being trans, but still definitely would for being a woman).

If I passed, I wouldn’t get stared at by so many people every time I’m out, where I can see the gears turning in their heads as they try to figure out my gender (as if it’s in any way relevant to them or any of their business).

See the trans tuesday on STOP STARING AT US (trans people are human beings) for more on what that does to a person.

If I passed, I wouldn’t have my DMs full of chasers popping in to harass me, sexualize me, and then immediately spout transphobic vitriol at me if I don’t respond positively. There’s a whole trans tuesday on CHASERS AND THE FETISHIZATION OF TRANS WOMEN.

No trans person should HAVE to pass just to be treated like a human being!

And there’s the other side of the coin… where if you feel you need to pass because you can’t or don’t want to “look trans” that’s a BIG problem and is INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA at work. Yep, there’s a trans tuesday on it (natch).

As I’ve mentioned before, part of me does wish I was a cis woman, because it would be so much easier. And because of all the experiences as a young girl that I missed out on. But it’s not being cis that I want, I just want a life that’s not so hard and life experiences I missed.

For more on that, see THE CONSTANT FIGHT for the ways cis people make trans existence a constant and necessary fight for survival (by design).

And see THE PAST AND WHY IT HAUNTS US for how difficult our own pasts can be for trans people who transition as adults.

But I AM proud of being trans. It’s who I am, and it took so much work and self-reflection and fucking courage, and I’m proud as hell of all of it. Every trans person should be. I don’t want to hide it. And I shouldn’t have to.

But I’m not here to judge any trans person who passes. NONE of us should judge any trans person for whether they pass or not, or WANT to pass or not.

Everyone has to decide what’s best for them, and even that can be in flux over time, as we learn and change and grow. And that’s fine. Just let people BE.

Maybe what would help is somehow doing away with “sir” and “miss” and “ma’am”  entirely. Do we NEED these gendered words? If the cashier at the pharmacy had simply said “Sorry for the delay” instead of “Sorry for the delay, sir,” it would have been no less respectful.

And I also can’t help but think of all our nonbinary friends, for whom ALL of the above gendered words are going to make them feel like they’re not seen. I mean damn, if they go see a show and it opens with an address of “ladies and gentlemen,” they’re already left out.

I don’t know if there’s an easy answer. There’s probably not. Other than simply ASKING someone their pronouns before you begin a discussion with them.

That’s why people putting their pronouns in their bios on social media is so important, because it normalizes it. It’s an easy show of support from cis allies to say, hey, telling people your pronouns (or asking someone for them) is perfectly fine, we should ALL do it.

So until our society, our language, and our lexicon can come up with some better way of addressing people respectfully without gendering them at all… please just ask.

Because that simple act could be the difference between a trans person feeling seen and affirmed and like they belong in the world, or their entire day being ruined and maybe feeling like nobody in the world will ever really see them.

And just ask people their pronouns! It’s not hard, and could mean the world to someone. Signed, the lady who still sprouts wings and takes flight when someone refers to her with “she” or “her” or “hey you tall buff lady.” 💜

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Trans 101 Trans Life

TRANSITION SETBACKS

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re gonna talk about something every trans person deals with, though we wish we didn’t have to. So let’s examine TRANSITION SETBACKS.

Because for a while… I almost lost myself.

This is something I subconsciously knew going in, and probably even consciously knew on some level. Few things in life happen in straight lines, with uninterrupted forward progress. So why would transition be any different?

Honestly though, that’s how my transition HAD been going up until the start of this year. And it was elating. I was constantly moving toward being the most ME I’ve ever been. And while it was slow, because transition is a process, it was gradual, constant improvement.

But two things happened around the start of this year that dramatically impacted my transition, and it was really tough for me to deal with. So my hope is by talking about them, I can help some other trans folks out there realize these things are normal.

They SUCK, don’t get me wrong, but they’re also to be expected. Stuff happens, that’s life. And I think if I had been MORE consciously aware of that, they might not have hit me quite as hard as they did.

I felt a bit blindsided, which is my own fault for thinking things would just continually get better forever without interruption. But things had been going SO well and I was feeling SO good the more I became the true me, I guess I stopped thinking about anything going wrong.

I’ve mentioned many times how changing my body pre-transition, away from the “dad bod” I had, was still a very real part of my transition. It allowed me to get closer to ME before I began my social/medical transition. See the trans tuesday on BODY HACKING.

But I want you to understand it has been a very real part of transitioning for me. Not as much as hormone replacement therapy, or my hair, or my clothes, but still really important. Even now, years into my transition, I consider it vital.

Because if I stop, it means my body will (in some ways) transition back toward where it was pre-transition. And that’s an awful and frightening thing for me, because I do not want to be associated with that body at all.

Around the start of the new year, I was doing bicep curls after my push-ups. Normal exercising for me, part of the routine I did often. But for some reason, something went wrong in my left bicep.

I don’t know exactly what because I didn’t go to a doctor to get it checked out. It didn’t seem to be anything super serious, it was maybe just a pulled muscle or the like. BUT it meant I had to rest it. For weeks.

I think it took almost a month before it felt basically back to normal, and I could get back to using it to exercise. And guess what? In that time I had lost SO MUCH of my arm and upper body strength. Like SO MUCH.

Because again, I’m fighting HRT at every step. I love love love being on estrogen, but it is not kind to muscle definition. And nearly a month with no activity had seriously depleted my strength. I could barely manage a hundred push-ups in sets of 20.

Now I know some of you are gonna be like “that’s still a lot!” and for some people it certainly is. But it’s a third of what I’d been able to do before (in sets of 30). It was a drastic reduction. And I was EXHAUSTED and totally wiped out from doing those hundred.

And it kinda crushed me. Because although it didn’t change my physical appearance much (my biceps def got smaller, but I dunno if anyone could tell but me), I knew the truth of it was that I’d backslid and thus moved closer to where I was pre-transition.

And it terrified me. It was so hard to deal with, because if there’s a timeline with a slider, with pre-transition me on one end and the 100% true me on the other, I had clearly moved toward the wrong end, however slightly.

It felt like the walls were closing in on me. It felt like the unending sea of dysphoria was there, just behind those walls, and cracks were forming. It was threatening to come in and drown me again.

And you can’t rush muscle healing or strength training. I’m only just NOW getting back to where I was before I got hurt. And it’s been tough to not push myself too hard to try and get back faster, because doing so would likely result in me getting hurt again.

There was literally no way to make it go any faster, which meant I had to just sit inside those cracking walls, feeling the trickle of water begin, and do my best to slowly and methodically patch the cracks before I drowned.

And then, in the middle of dealing with all of that, a MUCH larger setback happened. I mentioned in the trans tuesday on ANECDOTAL TRANS HEALTHCARE that I didn’t know there were two kinds of progesterone, and I’d recently switched.

What I didn’t tell you in that trans tuesday is that while the micronized progesterone has absolutely helped with breast growth and developing small but very real hips for me… apparently medroxyprogesterone suppressed testosterone a lot more.

And so when I switched, while I got those great benefits I’ve been wanting for years… my T levels rose. A LOT. And I want to take a second to let you know what that did to me.

My body hair was growing a LOT faster again, and that makes me really dysphoric. There’s a whole trans tuesday about it.

My facial hair ALSO was growing faster, to the point where all of my time-intensive shaving against the grain every morning was no longer leaving my face smooth for an entire day.

But do you want to know the worst part? IT. MESSED. UP. MY. HEAD.

So many people on HRT will tell you how being on the right hormones made their heads feel right, emotionally and physically and in basically any other way you can think of.

And… I could feel it slipping away. I could feel ME slipping away.

My dysphoria was going back up, I was starting to feel angry and confused and trapped and isolated and lonely and broken all over again. It literally felt like the core of who I am, the ME, was being stripped away to be stuffed back inside that box I always kept her in before.

And do you want to know the wildest part? Just from my head and my emotions feeling wrong like they did before, I fell back into some things I always did back when I felt like that all the time WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT.

Such as what, Tilly? I’m glad you asked. On multiple occasions, I almost accidentally misgendered myself in my head. THREE YEARS INTO MY SOCIAL TRANSITION! That stopped a few months after I came out when I got used to being the real me.

And now here it was happening again, because I felt like I did back then! And you know what else? I was surprised to discover when I went to the bathroom I WAS PEEING STANDING UP. I have not done that in years, even since before my social transition started!

I didn’t INTEND to do it, it just happened. And I realized midway through what was going on. I didn’t think anything of it at first BECAUSE THAT’S JUST WHAT I ALWAYS DID WHEN I FELT THIS HORRIBLE BEFORE. It was definitely not helping my already wounded state!

And then with all of those changes happening, I began to worry that the fat redistribution under the skin would also start changing back, and my face would morph back to that stranger I never recognized in the mirror for my entire life.

The largest part of my gender dysphoria always came from my face. I mean lots of other parts of my body, too, but that was the worst. And so the thought of no longer even being able to SEE MYSELF was terrifying.

It was absolutely DEVASTATING. It WRECKED me entirely. I was an emotional mess for weeks. And I was so, SO mad that in order to get more of the body changes I want (breast growth and hips) I had to sacrifice all the other things I also want.

WHY does it have to be like this? It’s SO UNFAIR. I didn’t ask for this. Why can’t I just BE ME and not have to deal with this? Can you even imagine what it’s like to feel your identity is being stripped from you? Ripped out of your mind and heart, leaving a cold shell behind?

That’s where I was. And my body was getting more dysphoric IN TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WAYS at THE EXACT SAME TIME.

But HRT is always about finding the right balance, adjusting as you go, trying to get more of what you need and less of what you don’t. And so I adjusted, and now… I think I’ve found an okay balance. Maybe.

My body hair’s still growing faster than I like, BUT not as bad as before. My facial hair is back to staying gone for a day as long as I keep shaving it really close against the grain, over and over again, every morning.

I’m still seeing the gains I want from the micronized progesterone. I think. I mean hormones are slow but my boobs hurt so I’m pretty sure they’re still growing and I can still see my actual little hips that make me totally euphoric.

But above all, the hormones have adjusted enough that my brain, my thoughts, my personality, my ME is back. I feel like myself again, and I’m so glad because those dark days where I felt almost like I was entirely cut off from the world again were so tough to deal with.

All of which is to remind you again that few things in life are nothing but a straight path of progress. There are going to be twists and turns, ups and downs, and sometimes it’s going to feel like you’re going backward. That’s just the way life works. It’s normal.

But when that happens, PLEASE do not give up. There is still a way forward, even if you can’t see it at the time. It’s hard work, but you can find the path back to where you want to be.

And when it happens, remember you’re not the first person it’s happened to, and you don’t have to go through it alone. If Susan wasn’t there to help me through it, the despair might have eaten me alive.

Reach out to those who care about you when you need it.

We can find that path forward together.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Cis Allyship Trans 101

TRANS PANIC

Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today’s topic wasn’t one I ever thought I’d do, because I thought it was something everyone was aware of. Turns out: no. Every time it comes up people are surprised and horrified. So let me tell you about TRANS PANIC.

I wish this were something cute like every time I wanted pizza but my favorite pizza place was closed and it upset me. Even “I don’t know if I’ll be able to refill my HRT,” while actually a serious issue, would be a much less sinister description.

Because trans panic, you see, is a (valid and accepted) legal defense people can use in cases of murder, manslaughter, and assault. It generally goes thusly: I thought she was a cis woman but we went to have sex and I saw a penis and I snapped.

Or “this person flirted with me and I found out they were trans and so I panicked and killed them.” You know, normal, healthy stuff.

In the VAST MAJORITY of the United States, this is LEGAL. It is an accepted reason you can use to defend your actions in a court of law.

It’s akin to GAY PANIC, which you’ve probably correctly surmised is the exact same thing but only for gay folks. Also still legal in many places!

So cisgender straight folks out there, stop for a second and think about what that means. Think about how it would make you feel, not just in and of itself, but as LAW supported by the GOVERNMENT.

“I was flirting with this nice lady but I found out she was cisgender so I snapped and killed her. You can’t blame me for that!” And the all-transgender government says, huh, yeah, MAKES SENSE.

How does that make you feel? Do you want to curl up into a ball and hide? Almost like maybe that’s the intent? How about that.

Liiiiiike do you understand the world we’re living in here? Can you imagine what it’s like to be so hated by cisgender people, who control everything and make all the laws, that they say it’s fine if people kill us because the very nature of our existence so upset them?

Let’s get one thing straight: the law is wrong and fucking awful. But if you think transphobes are going to stick to only using it in “sexual situations,” I think our last president has an “infrastructure week” to sell you.

It’s a short hop from “sexual situations” to “flirting” to “she looked at me wrong.” Our entire history shows you the way shit like that has been warped and weaponized against minority populations. To think this time is any different is ludicrous.

There’s a case where a cis man was flirting with women he didn’t know were trans. His friends mocked him for not knowing, and when he later flirted (or maybe just talked?) with another woman he found out was trans… he killed her. Just up and ended her life.

That guy CONFESSED and it still took TWO YEARS to even charge him. He took a plea down to manslaughter, the jury did not consider it a hate crime (?!?) and he was sentenced to twelve whole years. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

The New York Times has an account of this story that’s brutal. I’m not going to link to it because the description of what this disgusting piece of shit man inflicted upon Islan Nettles is… beyond awful. Nobody needs that dropped into their lap without warning.

Note there was no sex! Likely not even any actual flirting (which to be clear would in no way excuse it or make it less awful). It was a brief exchange on a street, and a cis man decided it was time for a trans woman to die. And this was a valid defense in 2015 New York.

Sit with that for a fucking moment.

My beloved California was the first state to ever ban this absolute nonsense, and it still didn’t even happen until TWO THOUSAND FUCKING FOURTEEN.

Which seems unconscionable, yet pales in comparison to all the places in this country where trans panic is STILL ALLOWED as a legal defense. Again, it’s the vast majority of the country.

I’m terrified to travel to any of the states that haven’t banned the trans panic defense. But you know what’s worse? TRANS PEOPLE LIVE IN THOSE STATES. And I’m so, so scared for them and their safety. I’m angry. I’m fucking repulsed. How can anyone justify this?

CONTACT YOUR REPS AND DEMAND THEY BAN IT. ONLY CIS PEOPLE CAN MAKE THIS CHANGE HAPPEN.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Trans 101

TRANS KIDS AND THE INTAKE EXAM

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week I’m bringing back another old thread with a revision/update, because frankly current events demand it. So buckle up, because we’re talking about: TRANS KIDS (but this also relates to: THE INTAKE EXAM).

I didn’t know I was trans as a kid, even though the signs were all there. So I never got to experience what that’s like, and cannot speak from personal experience. But I do know what it feels like to be a kid and be trans, because trans is something I’ve always been.

Caveat: the intake exam may be called different things and be wildly different depending on the medical system, or part of the country/world a trans person is in. Please do not take my experience as evidence that it’s identical for every trans person.

This is an article I linked to back in early December of 2020. This was a HORRIBLE ruling, and look how much ink the notably-transphobic BBC gives to “getting it wrong” and “detransitioning” with barely a mention to the thoughts of actual trans people:
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-cambridgeshire-55144148

Things have sadly only gotten much, MUCH worse since then, as attacks on trans people, specifically trans kids, have ramped up to an all-time high. Have a look at how bad things are for trans kids in the US RIGHT NOW:
https://freedomforallamericans.org/legislative-tracker

Browse through there. DO IT. Look at what Republicans are doing. Banning trans kids from sports. Banning life-saving health care for trans kids. Making it a crime to help a trans kid be happy and comfortable in their own body.

Note “life-saving care” IS NOT FUCKING HYPERBOLE. “Data indicate that 82% of transgender individuals have considered killing themselves and 40% have attempted suicide, with suicidality highest among transgender youth.”
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32345113

And it’s not BEING TRANS that makes trans adults and trans kids suicidal, it’s HOW IMPOSSIBLE SOCIETY MAKES IT TO EXIST AS A TRANS PERSON IN THIS WORLD that is responsible for that.

The American Medical Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, all oppose all this anti-trans legislation and ALL OF THEM AGREE THAT GENDER-AFFIRMING CARE IS NECESSARY AND LIFE-SAVING.
https://www.aclu.org/news/lgbtq-rights/doctors-agree-gender-affirming-care-is-life-saving-care

But bigoted old Republicans think they know better than every medical professional. Does that sound familiar? With abortion rights? With COVID? Fucking atrocious.

I feel like I don’t even know where to start with this. It’s horrific, and if you don’t understand why… let’s start with a refresher on GENDER DYSPHORIA, and realize first that many trans kids are going through this, and many have it worse than I do.

So what happens when a kid of any age realizes they’re transgender and wants to transition? It’s obviously a very big decision, and it can be difficult for kids (especially the younger ones) to fully grasp everything that entails and the way life would change.

But you see, medical professionals… know that. They don’t take a trans kid and send them off for surgery. NO TRANS KIDS ARE GETTING SURGERY. But intersex kids? Republicans WANT to perform surgery on them to make them conform to the gender binary.
https://www.hrw.org/report/2017/07/25/i-want-be-nature-made-me/medically-unnecessary-surgeries-intersex-children-us#

Bills banning gender-affirming care for trans kids have been scuttled, BY REPUBLICANS, because the wording would have prevented surgeries they want to force on intersex kids, and they absolutely cannot have that. I mean… the fucking hypocrisy of it all.

Transitioning for kids largely involves social transitioning only… wearing clothing that reflects their true gender, name/pronoun changes, things of that nature. But some, probably many, also go on puberty blockers.

Now I can hear you saying… kids can’t make that decision! I mean, they CAN actually, but… did you know puberty blockers are safe, have been used for cis kids for DECADES to stop “precocious puberty,” and are NOT PERMANENT?
https://www.vice.com/en/article/epnzjk/no-one-had-a-problem-with-puberty-blockers-when-only-cis-kids-took-them

When you stop taking the blockers, your body goes right back to making the hormone that was blocked. The puberty that was put on hold is no longer on hold, and happens normally. IT HAS NO PERMANENT EFFECTS WHATSOEVER.

And they have to reach a certain age (early teens I think, but may vary based on where you are) before they can even begin taking blockers, let alone add in the hormones that will help affirm their gender. And the whole point is to GIVE THEM THE TIME to make that decision.

So why not make kids wait to take it until they’re 18? Yeah, let’s talk about that. Because by 18 a lot of the body changes caused by hormones have already happened!

Let’s look at my case, as a trans woman. If I’d known I was trans, and had access to testosterone blockers BEFORE I hit puberty, the blockers would have STOPPED PUBERTY. Temporarily!

For me, guess what that meant? By 18 my shoulders had broadened. My voice had deepened. My jawline had become more pronounced. I got a lot taller. I developed a lot of body hair and facial hair, BOTH OF WHICH are the absolute worst parts of my own gender dysphoria. see the trans tuesday on BODY HAIR.

And the three-part series on TRANS VOICES.

I mean you’re all familiar with what testosterone does to a body during puberty, you get the drift. If I’d had access to puberty blockers before that happened… think about all the dysphoria I have that could have been avoided. Those bodily changes WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.

Forcing a trans kid to go through a puberty that antithetical to their gender identity is cruel. It’s torture. It’s forcing their body to change in ways that will make it MORE difficult for them to transition in the future, and will dramatically worsen their dysphoria.

And again, dysphoria often comes with intense depression and anxiety and a lot of other mental health issues, including self-harm and sometimes people feeling like suicide is their only way out.

Imagine kids already on puberty blockers, who’ve socially transitioned. A 14 year old Tilly would’ve had no facial hair, been shorter, had narrower shoulders, a higher voice. She’d be dressing as a girl, and treated as one BECAUSE SHE WOULD *BE* A GIRL in the eyes of everyone.

And suddenly, without any warning or recourse, you take her puberty blockers away “for her own good”.

And now this 14 year old girl gets facial hair and a deep voice and her jaw and shoulders widen and what the FUCK do you think that is going to do to her? How is that helping her?? You’re turning her into the last thing she wants to be.

It’s fucking unconscionable. Especially given that if she discovers she’s not actually trans, she can stop the puberty blockers and experience male puberty without any issues whatsoever! This is so fucking ludicrous I can’t even believe it.

And here’s where we get into the INTAKE EXAM, because I think this is what most cis folks have literally no idea about. Now there are places in this country that have informed consent for trans people… you go in, certify that you consent to the treatment, and you get treated.

Here’s a map of the places that offer informed consent for trans healthcare. Despite how many there may seem to be, realize that out of all the places medical care is provided, it is still a VAST MINORITY.
https://twitter.com/ErinInTheMorn/status/1477107291920941060

What does informed consent look like for kids? It’s something the entire medical establishment has rules for dealing with for everything related to kids and their medical care, transgender-related or not.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12884032/#:~:text=Informed%20consent%20means%20approval%20of,his%20or%20her%20autonomous%20consent

Okay so if a medical provider does not have informed consent for gender-affirming healthcare, what does that look like? Well let me tell you about what it was like for me. I could have found an informed consent provider, there are several here in Los Angeles.

But they would not have been covered by my insurance. We have Kaiser, and as they are an insurer AND medical provider, you go with them unless they specifically send you somewhere else. And gender affirming care paid for out of pocket is just not feasible for many trans folks.

The first thing that happened when I told my doctor I was transgender and wanted to transition was her referring me to a psychologist. Not because she thought being transgender is a mental illness, but because it’s policy.

A large part of the reason is that mental illness can often accompany gender dysphoria, so of course they want to check for that and be sure you get whatever help you may need on that front. Which is good and I absolutely understand and appreciate that.

But… they also want to “make sure” you’re trans (my words there, not theirs). They wouldn’t even CONSIDER referring me to an endocrinologist to begin HRT until I had my intake exam with the psychologist.

And this psychologist is a specialist in gender and transitioning. She’s my go-to for any other referrals I need for other services related to transitioning. Voice therapy, laser/electrolysis hair removal, and even gender confirmation surgeries.

So how did this very kind and nice lady determine I was trans? We had a very long phone call (because covid), and she had a billion questions to ask me.

And.

I.

Had.

To.

Justify.

My.

Existence.

As.

A.

Woman.

I want you to please sit with that a moment. Have you ever had to convince someone you’re a man or a woman? How would you do that? HOW? Especially when you can’t reduce it to your secondary sexual characteristics.

I mean even outside of being trans, the entire point of feminism is that women (or ANYONE) CANNOT be reduced to nothing but their reproductive organs. We, ALL OF US, are more than the sex junk we were born with.

I had to dig up every memory I could find, in the course of my years of self-examination, where looking back now I can see they were signs of my dysphoria, of my longing to be the girl or woman I knew I was. I had to prove to a total stranger that I AM WHO I SAY I AM.

Does that scare you? It should. It fucking scared me. Because what if I didn’t say the right thing? What if because my dysphoria revolves mostly around my face and my body hair, and not my genitals, she decided I wasn’t “trans enough” to transition?

It’s just terrifying and awful. It’s a nightmare. And I get why it’s important, but it’s also just absolutely horrible to go through. I don’t know how to tell you what it’s like. I can’t find the words for it.

And what you have to understand is the vast majority of trans kids who want puberty blockers, all of those kids already on puberty blockers… they all go through varying versions of this.

And a doctor, a psychologist trained in gender and transitioning, has listened to them and made the medical determination that it’s in the patient’s best interest to be on those puberty blockers. Especially given, AGAIN, they make no permanent changes to the body!

So what right does any government have to interfere in a matter between patients and their doctors? If you’re seeing stark parallels between trans folks and their transition care, and cis women/trans men and their right to choice… yeah, weird huh? Maybe think about why that is.

Every trans kid has ALREADY done more self-examination than I’d bet a whole lot of cis adults do in their entire lives. And I’m so thankful some of them have safe home environments in which to do that, but I know also that many do not. I certainly didn’t.

And don’t give me bullshit about supportive environments, or being exposed to the very idea/existence of trans people, as being “brainwashing” or whatever the fuck you want to call it. Hey cis folks, how much trans acceptance would make YOU suddenly not feel like a man or woman?

Is it zero? Of course it’s fucking zero. It’s not something you decide, it’s something you ARE. No amount of exposure is going to make you cis people suddenly trans, just as no amount of exposure to cis people is going to suddenly make trans people cisgender.

It doesn’t fucking work that way, and you know it. You never decided you were cis, you never decided you were straight or gay. Discover? Sure! Decide? No. These aren’t choices! They’re facts of existence.

Remember my post on WHAT REAL CIS ACCEPTANCE LOOKS LIKE? Goes double for trans kids. Triple. Infinite quadruple (I’m making that a thing, everybody start saying it to back me up).

This got a bit heavy, but I guess that’s to be expected. Let’s end it on an up note. Please read this, from the parent of a trans child, about what it’s like for them… and what a difference acceptance makes.
https://michellerothbaade.medium.com/three-things-i-wish-everyone-knew-about-having-a-transgender-child-b5b32c0c47c4

Here’s your reminder that there aren’t enough trans people to effect legislative change on our own. Cis allies, this fight is yours too. IT HAS TO BE, or these kids are going to suffer and many will never make it to adulthood.

See the trans tuesday on PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP, and don’t let that be you. See the interlinked threads about what real allyship looks like.

And see the trans tuesday on TRANS POLITICS and how vital it is that YOU (yes YOU) help us.

Donate to the charities fighting all this bigoted legislation. Vote for people who believe we deserve equal rights. And there’s something else I’m going to ask you to do, and all it takes is a few minutes of your time.

Join #letters4transkids so they know you’ve got their backs. This is just as important for cis people to do, they need to know you’re out there fighting for them.
https://twitter.com/TillyBridges/status/1513996153242599424
https://www.facebook.com/535350732/posts/10159481733305733

SUPPORT TRANS KIDS. They need us.

They need YOU.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Trans 101 Trans Media

THIS IS NOT FOR YOU 2 (let trans people have things)

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re talking about something that recently surprised me, though it really shouldn’t have. We’re going all in on: THIS IS NOT FOR YOU 2 aka LET TRANS PEOPLE HAVE THINGS.

You’re going to need some context for this. First, please see my original THIS IS NOT FOR YOU trans tuesday, which really was about things that were not for ME (even though technically they were!) before the world knew I was trans, like Trans Day of Visibility.

This also deals with one of my threads on representation, that I guess is kind of about FINDING OUR OWN REPRESENTATION (P!nk).

You may have noticed last week the trailer for the fourth Matrix movie dropped. When this happened, my mega Matrix threads discussing the intentional trans allegory of the movie got shared more. A lot more.

You don’t need to have read them to understand this post, but really you should because it’s an absolute marvel what the Wachowskis accomplished. Those threads got me a book deal and became BEGIN TRANSMISSION: THE TRANS ALLEGORIES OF THE MATRIX.

What happened as my Matrix threads got shared around is it started to find people… who could not, would not accept the truth of what the Matrix is (I mean the movie, but honestly it also applies to the matrix of cis binary society the movie was talking about).

I’ve gathered some of the replies to my thread, or my talking to people about the thread, or even from replies to other people who were talking about the movie and its transness. Let’s take a look.

This guy skimmed the beginning of the first thread and the end of the last one, and missed every bit of evidence in between. He, a WHITE CIS MAN, felt he could (and should!) declare to the world what is/is not specific to a gender transition.

Where do you get the idea that you know better than trans people what is or isn’t specific to us? Is it from the society set up by cis straight white men to uphold and confirm their right to… everything? From the moment they’re born? From THE MATRIX??? (not the movie)

The Wachowskis saw you coming twenty years ago, my dude, and called you out right in the movie. “You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.”

And of course he then shows his entire ass by calling us “transsexuals.” What an “expert” who’s not at all an “asshole.”

This guy was like “nah there’s a mountain of evidence but this one other thing.” Even if he was right (but he’s not), that wouldn’t… undo every other frame of the movie? Okay bud.

THIS GUY (hoo, deep breaths Tilly) accused the movie made by trans people, about trans people, and confirmed to be about trans people, as APPROPRIATING a trans narrative. How… are some dudes… SO… dense?

Also note his “fuck it, whatever” closing argument. Yeah, fuck it, who cares if people who never get to see themselves in movies like this finally do, why should he care? Literally 99.9% of all media and the entire world is set up to cater to him. Makes no difference.

AND YET the mere thought that this one movie does not in fact cater to him set him off (this wasn’t remotely his only tweet). HOW DARE ANYONE BUT HE GET SOMETHING MADE FOR THEM! We ask so much, you know.

This guy claims to “get it,” and probably thinks of himself as an ally, yet still makes excuses for how it cannot be the thing it so very, very clearly is.

Here’s another great one. The movie’s just claiming representation after the fact to be “woke,” despite the fact it was designed to be exactly what it is over twenty years ago. Yep, checks out.

Again someone who I’m sure thinks of themselves as an ally, yet is quick to point out it’s lots of other things too. Sure! It absolutely is. That doesn’t negate its transness, however. If you remove the trans allegory it wouldn’t be close to the same movie. There’d BE no movie. (the absolute joke this has become with calling world’s-biggest-transphobe JRK “woke,” hoooooo)

It’s important to not leave out some stuff it barely touches on, rather than talk about the one thing that is the blood that beats through every frame of the movie! Don’t forget about that other surface level point that’s not even an allegory!

When told the Wachowskis themselves confirmed their intent that it was a trans allegory, which can be confirmed in less than 60 seconds as YOU ARE ON THE INTERNET, just yell “fake news!” and walk away.

If you read my Matrix threads, you know about the point where I said (cis) people might get angry. The lobby scene, where Trinity and Neo mow down the guards protecting the agents so they can literally get to Morpheus, the subconscious that knows their true self?

I mentioned those guards are the people who are upholding the system that does violence to us and tries to prevent us from being our true selves, and the ones we have to go through to self-actualize. The people leaving these comments are. those. guards.

All of these were cis dudes, which should come as no surprise. So what’s going on here? Why are they so mortally offended, or so unwilling to just admit the truth of the trans allegory?

There’s a couple reasons. Part of it is the same reason the same dudes are offended by ANY minority group getting basically ANYTHING that would have defaulted to white dudes in the past. Lady Ghostbusters? A Black Widow movie? JIMMY OLSEN IS BLACK NOW?

THERE ARE GAY PEOPLE IN STAR TREK? WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS NEW STAR WARS NOT ALL WHITE ALL THE TIME EXCEPT FOR THE ONE TOKEN BLACK PERSON, WE GAVE YOU THAT, ISN’T THAT ENOUGH?

Listen you little gas station hot dogs, it won’t be enough until there are six different franchises with six movies each with casts that are entirely not you. And even then that wouldn’t actually be enough.

When EVERYTHING has been catered to you your entire life, any stride toward equality, equity, and justice feels like oppression to these folks. They feel attacked and on the defensive because not everything centers them anymore.

Which brings me to my next reason I think this is happening, which is that if they loved something for twenty years, and then learned it’s an INTRINSICALLY trans thing… I think they’re supremely worried what that says about them.

My dudes, that doesn’t make you trans. I like tons of stuff that’s 100% made by, and full of, cis people (which is mostly everything that’s out there). Didn’t change the truth of who I am!

Or are they afraid of the way it resonated with them in ways they didn’t quite understand, like it did for me? Certainly possible. I’m not one to say hating a trans thing means you’re an egg who can’t accept the truth, but it’s not unheard of.

Representation is getting better. There are more trans people in media than ever before, and there are more trans stories appearing in media than ever before. And that’s great, but it’s not the end? It’s barely a beginning.

So quick, name twenty trans actors. Ten? Five? Name five trans directors. Name five trans writers. Name five intrinsically trans stories told by trans people that you’re aware of in our pop culture

Do you see what I mean? There are no trans characters in Star Wars. There is ONE trans character in 800 episodes and 13 movies spanning Star Trek, and they’re not even officially mentioned as being trans in-story yet.

There are no trans characters in all of the MCU. There are no trans characters in DC movies, there is ONE across all the CW DC shows (and I love her, somebody let me write for Dreamer plz).

Look at big franchises praised for their inclusion, like Fast & the Furious. ZERO trans characters that I’m aware of (if I’m wrong, somebody let me know!). Can you name any of our major media franchises with even a SINGLE trans character?

Yet we’re here, existing. This world includes us! We can be in all of these stories that aren’t ABOUT being trans, because none of them are ABOUT being cis. Almost any role that calls for a woman or a man could be played by a cis or trans actor! And should be!

And so when you look at the Matrix, one major media thing that IS trans to its core… there’s not even a single trans actor in it. Even the one thing that is allll about us doesn’t feature us, because they couldn’t.

Straight cis white guys, can you imagine not seeing yourself in ANY MCU, DC, Star Wars, Star Trek, ANY of our popular media? EVER? And when a movie is finally made by straight cis white guys ABOUT being a straight cis white guy… no straight cis white guys were in it.

DO YOU SEE HOW LUDICROUS THIS IS?

The point is you can like the Matrix even if you’re not trans. You can like it even outside of the trans allegory. You can like it for any reason you want. Hopefully it helps you understand us better, but you can like it even if not!

But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s for US from start to end. It’s OURS. You can love it, you can enjoy it, you can hate it. But it’s OUR story. It speaks to US more than YOU and you’re gonna have to be okay with that.

After my threads were seen by so many more people last week, I received multiple DMs from people. One trans person said it gave them the courage to finally schedule the top surgery they’d been putting off.

One person told me the threads saved. Their. LIFE. (!!!) You do not get to tell trans people that the ONE piece of major media/pop culture made by trans people about being trans isn’t ours, or isn’t trans, or that we’re wrong (or that the Wachowskis didn’t know their own intent).

It’s okay for us to have the thing that’s made for us. And it’s okay for you to like it, too! Just unclench and try to embrace it already, will you? Maybe you’ll learn something. Free your mind.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Trans 101

LETTING GO

Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today I want to talk about something I’ve been thinking about for a while, but have been able to do ZERO prep for because life has kept me ludicrously busy. So you’re gonna get an off the cuff, stream of consciousness examination of: LETTING GO.

Again I will remind you that I’m speaking of my own experience here, and while there may certainly be commonalities with other trans folks, I do not speak for them and do not claim this is any kind of universal experience. K? K.

I’m not sure what brought this to mind. I only added it to my list of topics to talk about a few weeks ago, so it wasn’t even something that occurred to me at the start. I suppose part of it is being out publicly for a year and the extra introspection that inspired.

To be clear this isn’t any kind of “one year in” retrospective (there will be one! But I’m doing it in a couple weeks and combining it with a “one year on HRT” retrospective). But I guess it made me realize that it hasn’t been everything I expected.

It’s been a lot I didn’t expect, and some I did. Which is not to say I have even an ounce of regret about transitioning, I absolutely do not. But one of the things I had to let go of was my expectations of what transitioning was going to do for me.

And again, it’s been amazing and I’m thrilled with the way things are going. But… I don’t know, it’s difficult to explain. Maybe because I had no time to do any kind of prep for this one. 😬 Or maybe it’s just a tough thing to voice.

One example that might be easier to approach it from is in thinking about my HAIR. I actually did an entire essay on that, and how important it is to me.

I had no idea I had curly hair. When it came in wavy, I was like… well okay, whatever. And then the longer it got the curlier it became. And I did not in any way ever anticipate that would be the case.

So when I thought about transitioning, when I imagined actually getting to be the woman I am inside, that was never part of the picture. As a kid I had mostly straight hair, so I thought that’s what I’d have. The lady inside me, the real me, had long straight hair in my head.

At first I just didn’t know what to think about it. I didn’t know if I even liked it. I thought about maybe straightening it (but I’m glad I didn’t, and now I don’t think I ever will). I just so badly wanted to BE the image in my head, and that’s not what my hair was. At all.

But the longer I sat with it, watched it grow, found the right products to care for it, and then finally got my first real haircut and got my ludicrous, lovely, wonderful, curly bangs… each step I fell more and more in love with it.

Not only just because I now feel it actually fits my personality and style (Do I have a style? Answer unclear.), but it’s MINE. This is MY hair, and I didn’t even know it. MINE MINE MINE. And I adore it. But I couldn’t get to that point without letting go of the expectations I had.

And a lot of transitioning, for me, has been very much like that. In thinking about women’s clothes, I had this idea in my head of what I’d wear. Turns out I don’t like wearing some of that! Or don’t like the way it looks on me.

I did an essay on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE.

I still have a lot I’ve not been able to try yet, but it’s been… educational. See the trans tuesday on PRIVILEGE (time and money) on how both time and money can restrict transition in many different ways.

I’m learning so much about who I AM, and even after all the introspection and soul searching it took to discover and accept I’m trans, there’s still more to go. Which I very naively thought I was done with once I accepted I was trans. Ha! I’m a dummy.

But I couldn’t get to where I am now, in a whole bunch of ways, without letting go of the expectations I’d laid out for myself. And I feel like that very much mirrors what happened for me as I discovered, explored, and accepted my own transness.

I was assigned male at birth, and despite NEVER ONCE feeling like a boy or a man, I still believed I was because that’s what society told me and what I was raised to believe.

And even though, EVEN THOUGH, it made me feel awful and miserable and distant and isolated and alone, it was the identity I had. It wasn’t real, but I didn’t know that for a long time.

And I had to LET GO of my preconceived notions of who I was in order to become who I AM and have ALWAYS been.

It also feels this is something that applies to humans across the board, regardless of gender (or lack thereof). We have all these preconceived notions of what our life will be, and how it’s going to go. Carefully laid plans that rarely go the way we think.

Which is not to say you shouldn’t plan for the future (I know I certainly do), and have goals and things you work toward. But nothing’s so cut and dry, directly on-path with no deviations. Life is chaotic and messy and beautiful.

And you have to roll with those punches. You’ve got to examine WHY you want the things you want, WHY you feel the way you feel. It’s the only way to get to the truth about what we want out of ANYTHING.

See the trans tuesday on GIVING YOURSELF PERMISSION to explore these things.

And do you know what giving yourself that permission takes? COURAGE.

I guess what I’m getting at is it’s great to dream and have goals, but as you work toward them (whatever they may be), don’t be so focused on the preconceived notion of them you miss the slight variation on them that you might like even better.

Or you might hate it! Certainly possible. But you won’t know if you don’t try, and you won’t try things if you don’t push past the fear of the outcome. Or the fear of the outcome being different than you expect.

LET. GO. You might like the reality of what you find on the other side.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Trans 101

TRANS COURAGE

Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today we’re talking about something nearly every trans person is intimately familiar with, because we often can’t be who we are without it. And I’m going to tell you a (true!) story to help explain. Let’s dive into: TRANS COURAGE.

This all begins with a childhood story, and you’re going to wonder how it’s related to anything trans, but stick with me. It’ll make sense at the end.

No place has ever felt like home to me unless Susan was there with me, and even still no place has felt like home more than Los Angeles. I think the city itself feels more like home than any of the apartments we’ve actually lived in.

I feel somewhat disassociated from my past and childhood for reasons I’ve talked a bit about before, mostly in my thread on THE PAST and why it haunts those of us who transition as adults.

We also moved around a lot when I was a kid, so I never had too long to get attached to a place. The longest we ever lived somewhere was one house from when I was 8 to 16, so I suppose that’s as close to any kind of feeling of a childhood home that I have.

There was a playground nearby, and I went there with my friends often. But it wasn’t that big and we’d get bored with it fairly quickly, so we’d end up heading out into the fairly big (for a suburb) park that it was part of.

Way at the far end was a very modest lake, which I think was created as part of the subdivision. It took a while to walk there and all the nearby surrounding houses faced away from it, and most had their yards blocked by big fences.

So when you were there it felt kind of like you were in your own little world. There’s a pretty busy street nearby, which present satellite view shows is six lanes wide, so you could always hear the traffic. But it didn’t matter, it felt kind of like our little secret.

Sometimes we’d go fishing there, I guess because my parents bought me a pole and tackle box because it was a thing boys should have? I never really had any interest in fishing, and I made my friends put the worms on the hooks because I was NOT touching them.

You can tell I really loved it, can’t you? We never caught anything, and thinking about how this was an artificial lake, there probably weren’t even any fish in it. I don’t think we’d have known what to do with one if we caught it, anyway. I suspect there’d have been a lot of screaming.

There were always a lot of ducks though, and we’d find tortoises sometimes. We’d “skate” on it in our sneakers in winter when it was frozen over, which… was probably a very bad decision and I may be lucky to still be alive. But that ain’t the half of it.

Because “highly unsafe” basically describes me as a kid. Our neighborhood was relatively new and things were always under construction. In the summers I’d go poking through every construction site on the weekend when nobody was there.

Once I found a house that only had a basement foundation so far, and I jumped down inside it to explore and I had very, very little upper arm strength and couldn’t pull myself back up to get out. It took me over an hour to figure out how to escape that proto-basement.

It occurs to me now that my fascination with exploring buildings that were under construction and nowhere near finished is… probably related to my love of cutaways, blueprints, and technical diagrams. See SEARCHING FOR MEANING (when you’re trans and don’t know it).

Anyway, I never panicked when trapped in that basement (other than worrying I’d be home late). All of this is only to show you what this lake meant to my life back then, and so you understand the general nature of little Tilly’s insatiable curiosity (big Tilly has that too tho).

So the “corner” of this lake had a sewer runoff pipe that led into it. I went all around the lake on google maps street view trying to get an image of it, but due to the aforementioned houses ringing the lake, it’s basically blocked on every side.

So the pic I used before is the closest I could find with a quick image search. There were no rocky ledges in front of it, it just kind of came out of a hillside and dumped rainwater into the lake and its muddy shore.

I’ve always been someone whose imagination runs away with her (works well for being a writer!) and I could NOT stop thinking about what wonders might be deep inside that sewer pipe. I’d try to talk my friends into going in to see all the time, but none of them ever would.

I mean that speaks well of them, I guess. They weren’t imaginative banana clowns like me. But remember I’m the girl who jumped into an unfinished basement with 7’ high walls and no stairs without a single thought as to how I’d get back out.

So one hot summer day I was bored at the playground, and I was alone. My parents always told me to come back if none of my friends were around, but I never did. What a scamp! So I went down to the lake and poked around in the muck a bit.

I could hear the traffic and the ducks, and that weird kind of buzzy hum you get from bugs during midwest summers that I can hear so clearly in my mind, but couldn’t remotely tell you what actually made that sound.

The lake was always mostly still, though you’d get some tiny waves from what little wind could get between the houses or from the huge open field between the lake and the playground.

And I saw the drainage pipe.

And I couldn’t stop looking at it.

And my heart raced.

And you know where this is going.

I peeked around the side and looked in. PIIIIIIITCH. BLACK. When I tell you this gave me only a moment’s hesitation, well… yeah, I was actually kind of terrified, but the curiosity! What was in there? Whatever it was, I’D be the first to know!

I know it was hot and sunny that day, but I guess it must have rained recently because there was water running through the pipe. Not a lot, but enough that I couldn’t just walk in without getting my feet soaked. So (oh god, how did I not die)…

I leapt across the stream on the bottom, hit the side of the pipe with my left foot and shot my right foot out the other way… and I balanced myself with my legs spread wide OVER the stream, my feet at weird awkward angles due to the rounded sides of the pipe.

And then I… well I don’t know what you call it. It wasn’t walking. I’d pull one foot off the wall and shoot it forward to immediately brace it again, and then do the other side, so I could move down the pipe without wading through the water.

And so I went. Just… down into the darkness. It obviously got darker the further in I went. I don’t know where the nearest opening for rainwater to enter was, but it wasn’t close. Sounds got muffled. I couldn’t hear the traffic anymore.

I couldn’t hear the ducks, I couldn’t hear the buzzing insects. All I could hear was the running of the water underneath me, my sneakers as they scuffled along the walls, and my ragged breathing (because I was ding dang TERRIFIED).

Eventually I’d gone so far the opening looked like a pin prick behind me. I couldn’t see ANYTHING, it was just me and the curved concrete walls I could feel through the soles of my shoes and the sound of the water.

And I wasn’t worried about getting hurt, just about getting lost. I’ve always had GREAT spatial acuity. I can SEE shapes in my mind, and how they fit together. I’m GREAT at packing suitcases! Also at remembering convoluted paths through video games, even at that age.

So I was pretty sure I’d be able to find my way out, especially as I’d only gone in a straight line so far, but again: overactive imagination. What if I COULDN’T? What if I was lost down here? How would anyone ever find me?

Nobody would ever even think to LOOK down there. What if I was just stuck alone starving to death in the darkness forever??? What if while I was down there, there was a thunderstorm and water came rushing in and drowned me???

Note I did not think of these things before going in. It’s the basement foundation all over again.

Ah, to be a kid.

I was excited and fascinated and my heart was beating out of my chest. I was finally thinking about turning around when I noticed I could see a little better. There was light up ahead, and the first branch in the pipe.

Well I at least had to see what THAT was about, as I’d not seen or found anything else and that disappointment would not stand. So I continued on until I got to the opening, where it branched off to the right.

There was a weird little sort of lip where the two concrete pipes met, and water was running over it but I could stand on either side of that without too much trouble, which was a good spot to rest my feet.

So I got myself on that somehow and looked down this new avenue. And there was the first drain I’d seen from a street above, sunlight streaming down through the circular overhead grate.

I have no idea how long I had been in the dark, but the light hurt a little the way it cut through the dark like neon. I used my same “walking” shuffling method and went down the new pipe to the opening, and I looked up.

I have no idea where it was within the neighborhood. I have no idea what was up there. To this day I still don’t know. All I saw was bright blue sky.

If I ever go back to that town, I could probably walk around the streets near the lake and find the exact spot, assuming there’s been no major drainage construction in the intervening years. But I’m not sure I want to.

I guess I kind of do, buuuuut then again no, because it feels like that spot would then be somehow less mine, and less special. I dunno. But to see it from the other side of the drain would be… something.

The image of that neon-like shaft of light from above, the ONLY thing I could see in the blackout, has been seared in my brain since that day. I hope I never forget it. It was the first thing I think I’d ever experienced where I realized… this was MINE.

NOBODY else’s. Nobody else had seen this. Maybe nobody else ever would. I don’t know how long I stayed there, but it was a while, because for some reason I loved it and I didn’t want to go.

I suspect eventually the light let me see my watch and I realized I had no idea how long it would take me to get back out and I didn’t want to be late getting home, so I tore myself away and made it safely back out, without even getting my toes wet.

I never went back in, and I don’t really know why. Maybe I’d sated the curiosity. Or maybe the memory was just too special and I didn’t want to have it ruined or overwritten with repeated trips.

So why am I telling you all this? Because going into that sewer, ill-advised as it may have been, took all the courage I could muster. But I wasn’t going to let fear stop me. All through my life, I see myself doing the same, even if it took me a while (or too long!), I faced it.

Look at the post I made the day I got a makeover from a Hollywood makeup artist, which was when I knew that not only could I transition all the way, I HAD to because I finally got my first brief glimpse of the real me.
https://twitter.com/TillyBridges/status/1237470565344006144

A tweet I made on March 10, 2020 that reads: today I did something I’d been terrified to do for most of my life (I can’t tell you what it is, but it’s not dangerous so do not worry). And all I can tell you is that we only live once and if you’re wondering if you should do that thing that scaresyou? Fuck yes. Go do it. [purple heart emoji]

I don’t know if part of this came from me somehow seeing DEFENDING YOUR LIFE on tv as a kid, but it had a huge impact on me. We just watched it again last year and I don’t think I’d seen it since, and it was revelatory to discover how it had impacted me.

The Defending Your Life movie poster, showing Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep in white robes, holding hands and looking at each other in front of a billboard with a tram on it. The billboard reads, “Judgment City, just minutes away. Turn left onto the Past Lives Parkway.” The poster tagline reads, “The first true story of what happens after you die.”

The movie’s about this guy who dies and in the afterlife, has to answer for all the decisions he made where he let his fear override his desires, kept him from living the life he wanted and being the person he wanted to be.

The entire story is about facing your fears and not letting them control you, because you never ever know what’s waiting for you on the other side. And to NOT know, or to let those things go, can damage us in complex ways.

If you haven’t seen it, you absolutely should. It’s a warm hug and maybe it’ll change your life, too (I suspect Albert Brooks never thought it’d help a lady embrace her transness years later, but here we are).

Being trans in this world takes courage, EVEN THOUGH IT SHOULDN’T. Being trans should (and is!) just like being left handed or a redhead. It’s just a way some humans are. WE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE COURAGEOUS TO SIMPLY EXIST.

But we sadly do, because so much of the world hates us for no good reason. If you (somehow) need the reminder… translegislation.com is tracking 492 anti-trans bills introduced across the United States so far this year!

Nothing I feared in life ever held me back… EXCEPT anything relating to being trans. See the trans tuesday on THE FEAR OF EMBRACING YOUR TRUE SELF (and Halloween, costumes, and makeup).

You can also see the trans tuesday on HAIR, and how growing it out scared the crap out of me.

And you can see its follow up, HAIR 2, on how going for my first real haircut ALSO scared the crap out of me.

These things, ANYTHING related to my transness, was the drainage pipe at the lake. I saw it. I knew it was there. And I wanted to know what was down in those depths SO badly, but god I was SO scared to look. SO SO SCARED.

And I was afraid enough that I didn’t look inside for… too damned long. But eventually I went in. And it was awkward and terrifying, and I was worried I’d get lost in the blackout.

Until I found that neon shaft of light that explained it all. Hey look, you’re okay. This is why everything’s been so dark and confusing. You’re trans, and that’s OKAY, and you CAN be whoever you want to be, whoever you really are.

Explore that darkness. Find the light inside. Do what scares you. Be who you are.
(and watch DEFENDING YOUR LIFE, it’s great).

Look. Look UP.

Look beyond the grate keeping you in the dark.

It’s open blue sky, girl.

Just waiting for you.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Trans 101

LEGAL NAME AND GENDER MARKER CHANGE

Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today’s topic is LEGALLY CHANGING YOUR NAME AND GENDER MARKER. My experience in California is going to be remarkably different than in other parts of the country/world however, so keep that in mind!

Last Wednesday, May 19, my documents were dropped off at the courthouse to start the legal process of getting my name and gender marker changed. What you probably don’t realize, and I certainly didn’t, is that it’s going to be a very. long. process.

It actually started two days prior on Monday, May 17… though honestly it began even months before that as I looked into what would be required. I read a bunch of information about it, and ended up on the LA Superior Court website trying to figure out how to get started.

But there’s no easy guideline or checklist of things, with links to the right forms and how/where/when to file them. You’re kind of left to your own devices, and even here in California where the process is probably about as friendly as it can get, it was overwhelming.

And here’s where living in Los Angeles gave me a cheat code through this ordeal, because we have the lovely Los Angeles LGBT Center. And they have a Trans Wellness Center, with an expert who will just… help you with your paperwork. FOR FREE.

I thought that was pretty amazing, but it was actually even better than I could have imagined because I answered 10 quick questions on a form, and they just DID ALL THE PAPERWORK FOR ME. Again, FREE OF CHARGE. So 30 minutes later I had everything I needed to get going.

As an aside, just stepping into the Trans Wellness Center was… something. An entire floor of a 20-story building JUST for trans people, staffed by trans people. Friendly and welcoming and I was super at ease as soon as I stepped off the elevator. Such an amazing resource.

Not only was I given all the paperwork I needed, but a packet with step by step instructions about what to do next. Before I get ahead of myself, let’s look at what’s in this paperwork to petition the court for a name and gender marker change.

The first document that’s required was a total surprise to me, though it makes sense. You have to testify that you’re not a sex criminal or a felon trying to evade the law or trying to change your name to evade debts, etc.

Now we get to the actual form for changing the stuff I want changed, though it’s no less intimidating or full of dense legalese that’s hard to make sense of. This document is four pages (five if you count the list of places and methods to file the form).

This is the key portion, with… some redactions.

Both original forms are signed and dated, then you make two copies of each. You put all of those along with a check or money order for the FOUR HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FIVE DOLLAR COURT FILING FEE and a SASE (legal size) into an envelope and mail it to the courthouse (or drop it off).

There are (here in LA County anyway) fee waiver forms you can fill out if you are unable to pay. I don’t know what’s involved with those, but it’s great they exist.

This Monday I got the original forms back in my SASE, the court keeps both of the copies. The originals are stamped showing they were received by the city clerk, with the court case number (which you can check on the status of online here in LA), and a court date.

The packet of next steps I was given by the Trans Wellness Center said most often you are not called in for the court date, unless the judge who has to approve the order has questions or a problem of some kind.

If you DO have to go in, it’ll be in a joint session with people there to change their names for every other reason as well. The packet says if you’re concerned about privacy you can request to go to the end of the queue, though whether that’s granted or not is up to the court.

This hearing could also be to “correct any deficiencies in your petition,” which the court *may* help you with. Kinda terrifying, though. Also, and here’s the fun part, this court date is weeks away. And anyone who objects has until then to file an objection. (!!!)

I presume this is something that’s done for all petitions to the court? I don’t know as I’ve never done one before, but maybe as a way for the public to voice their objections to things? But it also seems like maaaaaaybe that shouldn’t apply for name/gender marker changes.

Because how would ANYONE have the right to object to who you want to legally be recognized as?!? That’s kind of like saying I CAN change my name and gender marker, but only if all of society is okay with it and gives me permission. Not a great feeling!

If the judge approves the request, it gets signed (and hopefully sent back to me? this part is unclear). I can then request certified copies from the Civil Clerk’s Office. Which cost about FIFTY-FIVE BUCKS EACH.

And this becomes the most important document in your life, because it shows the legal connection between your old name and your new name. I will have to take one (not a copy!) to the Social Security Administration to get their info (and my SS card) changed/updated.

I’ll need to take another copy to the DMV, to prove I am who I say I am, and get an updated driver’s license with the correct name and gender displayed. I’ll need further copies to update a passport and to get my birth certificate changed.

I don’t LEGALLY need to update the birth certificate, but if I don’t, any time I need it for anything I will ALSO need one of these certified copies of the order from the clerk to prove that birth certificate is mine.

I was born in another state, which thankfully has laws in place to allow trans people to change their birth certificates, though not all states allow it. But get this… I can’t do it without A NOTE FROM MY DOCTOR SAYING I AM “UNDERGOING TREATMENT” FOR BEING TRANS.

The actual fuck.

If you’re trans but don’t have access to gender-affirming care, or can’t afford it because your insurance won’t cover it (or you don’t have insurance), you’re out of luck I guess. Just to be clear: THIS IS BULLSHIT AND YOU ARE TRANS EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT MEDICALLY TRANSITIONING.

It says in the packet of info I got that name change proceedings for my birth state are even worse. Get this… GET THIS: You have to PUBLISH NOTICE OF YOUR COURT PETITION IN THE NEWSPAPER. –FOR THREE WEEKS–

And it has to START at least six weeks before the court date, which you don’t even know until after you file the paperwork! What antiquated bullshit nonsense is this? Do you know how fucking dangerous that could be for a trans person?!

And what the fuck business is it of the entire town you live in anyway?! Fucking hell, that’s so damned awful. And this is a state that’s relatively friendly to trans people! Do you see what we’re up against here?

I’m so thankful I’m not trying to change my name there! Part of the packet I have says a “physician’s declaration” is no longer needed in CA to get your gender marker changed… as of September of 2018.

Before that, CA refused to believe you are who you say unless a doctor confirmed your medical transition. It took CALIFORNIA until TWO THOUSAND FUCKING EIGHTEEN to just… believe you actually know who you are. Siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

California didn’t even drop the utterly ludicrous newspaper announcement requirement until 2014! I JUST 😶

Anyway, after driver’s license, birth certificate, and social security are changed, I’m going to need those official court order copies to change my name on our bank account, and our health insurance, and probably a ton of other places too.

And this is why I figure there are going to be more of these threads, as I suspect all of these hoops I have to jump through are going to uncover a whole host of other things I’ll want to talk about.

I was so excited seeing the paperwork go into the courthouse drop box, and I’m excited to know when the court date is, and to get the paper from the court legally confirming I am who I say I am…

But it feels a little like the joy from that will be somewhat muted, because there’s such a long road ahead of getting the entire world to agree with the court and update their records accordingly.

I suspect the new driver’s license will be the big one, though. Because then I’ll have ID that I can use without outing myself as trans to every person who needs to see it for whatever reason.

It’s weird and kind of awful to have to produce your DL for someone, and it has the wrong name and gender and photo on it. And it doesn’t end there, because then you have to TELL them you’re trans and explain the situation.

And this may surprise you, but that’s weirdly not something a lot of trans folks relish having to talk to strangers about! Oh well. One step at a time, I guess.

Look at the costs involved, and all the hoops to jump through, in a very trans-friendly state and with the LA LGBT Center on my side. And think about how tough it is, and how much more difficult it is for trans people not in CA. It’s tough out here.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com


ADDENDUMS:

UPDATE! 7/9/2021

Next step is requesting certified copies from the civil clerk’s office, but my documents say to do that after I have the signed decree. Will it be mailed to me, since I filed via mail and did not go in person? Unclear.

Either way on 7/9/2021 I legally became Tilly. 🥰

UPDATE!  7/19/2021

July 16 I paid for several certified copies of the judge’s decree. Social Security office is closed due to covid, so appropriate form and decree mailed in on July 19.

Expected wait for new SS card normally 5-10 days. Now? 3-4 weeks.

So we wait.

UPDATE! 8/16/2021

New SS card arrived in the mail today, Aug. 16!

Next: upload all my Real ID docs through the DMV website (this is unrelated to any of my changes, just normal requirements).

Once those are approved, I go in with my SS card and judge’s decree and get my new ID as ME!

UPDATE!  8/19/2021

Portrait of a lady who filed name/gender change paperwork with the DMV. It went smooth as hell. Thanks to @susanlbridges for accompanying in case anyone gave me shit, and for capturing this pic of my arm looking great.

Now we wait for the Real ID to arrive!

UPDATE: 9/1/2021

GOT MY NEW REAL ID LICENSE YESTERDAY!

I am torn on the photo. It’s not great, and does make me feel a little dysphoric. I was going to post it side by side with my old one, but not sure I’m comfortable.

So instead just know my real name is on it! 💜 oh and also:

UPDATE: 12/19/2022

I waited years to do this. You don’t use birth certificates very often and I didn’t think it would be a big deal. But finally I sent in the forms and the check to pay for the change/one copy in early October 2022 and nothing happened for two months. I was trying to prepare myself to have to fight for my right to be listed as me on my own birth certificate.

But then on Dec. 15, 2022… the check finally cleared. I almost cried. Why? What the heck? The judge’s order declaring my legal name/gender marker change, my driver’s license, those meant a lot.

But this? it shows the date, time, and location of my birth and it says I WAS ME THE SECOND I WAS BORN.

I did not expect all these feelings.

Cis Allyship Trans 101

TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY

Welcome to #TransTuesday! Others have spoken on this topic better than I can, but I’m a white trans lady so I have the privilege of more people listening to me. I honestly can’t believe it needs to be said, it’s such a no-brainer. Yet here we are talking TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY.

If you’re somehow unfamiliar, intersectionality is just what it sounds like… it’s the INTERSECTION of multiple vectors of marginalization that people experience due to biases and discrimination in our society.

I’m part of a marginalized community. I am a trans woman. By now you’ve certainly realized how othered, demonized, and hated we are by society for the “crime” of not wanting to have to pretend to be someone we’re not (and have the entire medical establishment backing us up on).

I do not presently face any other marginalizations, though I have previously. For a long time we were very poor, and class is absolutely one vector of intersectionality. Our society punishes people in poverty for the “crime” of not having much (or any) money.

It’s important to note, however, that I never faced these two marginalizations at the same time. Once I transitioned to live as my true self, we’ve thankfully been financially okay.

But that is definitely not the case for a whole lot of trans people, who also often face poverty due to losing homes and jobs after coming out, and being unable to find new ones. About THIRTY PERCENT OF TRANS PEOPLE ARE IN EXTREME POVERTY.

But that number jumps up to THIRTY-SIX PERCENT for Black trans people. Why is that? Well you’d better know by now all the marginalization, state violence, discrimination, and racism Black people in this country face on a daily basis.

So Black trans people are dealing with all the ways society harms them for being Black, while also dealing with all the ways society harms them for being trans. And over a THIRD of them also experience all the ways society harms them for being poor.

And they may face other marginalizations as well. They could be disabled, or a senior, or a disabled senior. Are you starting to get it? THIS IS INTERSECTIONALITY. For every vector of marginalization a person faces, their life is remarkably more difficult.

This is part of why I started Trans Tuesdays, because as a financially okay white trans woman who didn’t lose a home or family or job or friends, I face SO MANY LESS BARRIERS than almost all other trans people. That is my PRIVILEGE.

If you’d like more info on the very concept of privilege in society, and how cis people have so much more of it than trans people, there’s a Trans Tuesday on CIS PRIVILEGE.

If you’d like more info on MY privilege and how I try to use it for good, there’s a Trans Tuesday on PRIVILEGE (TIME AND MONEY).

If you’d like more info on how my privilege gives me a responsibility to help those who are less privileged, see the trans tuesday on THE ONLY TRANS PERSON YOU KNOW.

It’s known that there’s a racism problem in the white trans women community, and while I find that terribly awful and dismaying, I also can’t say I’m entirely surprised. Because a whole lot of white people, cis and trans alike, have a racism problem.

I’ve been calling it out every time I see it, but I keep getting told “we have to fight for trans rights,” and “I have a black friend so I can’t be racist,” and “now is not the time,” over and over again. Imagine telling someone they have to WAIT to get their rights until you get yours. YIKES.

That’s been going on for centuries, from getting the vote for EVERY citizen of the United States seemingly one group of people at a time while others are made to wait, on through everything else.

There’s a real “I got mine” attitude of people willing to throw everyone else under the bus for their own gain. But in doing so you weaken your own position, because oppression always comes back around (as in the recent loss of a national right to abortion care).

I keep saying trans people are human beings (which is true!), but that means that just like the rest of humanity we are not immune to flaws or bigotry (cough cough Caitlyn Jenner cough cough).

A lot of this (recently, anyway) was sparked by the murder of Brianna Ghey. And I shouldn’t have to say this, but yes it was awful, and horrific, and my heart breaks for her. But it also breaks for every trans woman who’s a victim of violence.

But she wasn’t the first, and she wasn’t even the first in 2023. Just this year there was Zachee Imanitwitaho and Jasmine “Star” Mack, and Destiny Howard, and sadly probably more I’m not aware of. Did you see the same kind of response from the trans community over their deaths?

Have you even heard their names before? Did you know that all three of them were Black trans women? Why aren’t they deserving of the outpouring of love and support as Brianna? That was rhetorical, because of course they are. But they didn’t get it, did they?

What’s worse, the Black community created movements (with accompanying hashtags) specifically for the violence Black women face at the hands of police: Say Her Name and Rest in Power.

These were appropriated by a whole lot of white trans women for Brianna, and that’s a problem. Now listen, the internet and social media is vast. Movements take off and we don’t always know where or how or why they originated. Nobody is saying you have to know everything.

But when you use those movements as they were not intended, and Black people politely ask you not to use them and explain their origin and meaning, the correct response is: “I’m so sorry, I had no idea. I’ll stop using them.” THE END.

There are so many words in the English language, we can (and should) have our own just for the violence trans women face. I suggest Tell Her Truth, and Rest in Pride is also a good one (though applicable to the entire queer community and not trans women specifically).

What you DON’T do is make excuses for why you can keep using them. What you DON’T do is parrot racist dog whistles that the only Black people complaining are “agitators.” What you DON’T do is say “but the words fit so I will use it anyway” and ignore the harm you’re doing.

The way you support marginalized communities is BY LISTENING TO THE PEOPLE FROM THAT COMMUNITY.

You do not make them justify what they’re telling you as if it’s only okay if it meets your approval. You do not make them do the labor of educating you on their movements as if they’re personally obligated to be your teacher. YOU ARE ON THE INTERNET. Be an ally and educate yourself.

All of those things, ALL OF THEM, are what we trans people keep asking, BEGGING cis people to do for us. Because nothing nothing NOTHING will get better for us until they do.

So how do you not see that nothing nothing NOTHING will get better for Black people until white people will do the same for them?

How can you be okay with visiting the same kind of bigotry, of appropriation, of violence upon another marginalized community when you’ve experienced it yourself and know how awful it is?

How can you not WANT to fight for EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING to be treated truly equally by society? HOW?? I legit do not understand it. We can and SHOULD and NEED TO focus on more than one thing at a time.

IF YOUR FIGHT IS NOT INTERSECTIONAL, YOU ARE NOT PART OF THE FIGHT.

You are, in fact, aiding our oppressors.

So let’s think about all the vectors of discrimination and marginalization people might face in our society. I may be missing some! This is not intended to be comprehensive, just illustrative of the many different ways society discriminates against people.

Vectors of marginalization:

Race
Class
Gender
Transness
Age
Disability
Incarceration
Religion
Language
Weight

I’m sure there’s more! And if you don’t believe in some of them… listen, just go out to lunch with people experiencing some of these marginalizations and see how differently they’re treated.

We once went to lunch with friends, a cis white couple from Italy. Basically the most privileged people in society, but their English wasn’t great yet (which is fine!). But the discrimination they faced in just trying to order their food was… eye-opening. And disgusting.

And I’m not saying that’s the same level as what trans people or Black people or disabled people experience, but it’s definitely another vector of discrimination.

Now look at that list and realize a whole lot of people experience multiples of those marginalizations. Some people might experience ALL OF THEM AT ONCE.

And of course life isn’t difficult for people BECAUSE they belong to those categories, but because of the way SOCIETY TREATS YOU when you’re in those categories.

So what you’re saying when you refuse to listen to people from a marginalized community is, on the surface, that their needs aren’t as important as yours (whether you experience any marginalization or not).

But FURTHER-

There are people who SHARE YOUR MARGINALIZATION who you are telling that their experiences don’t matter/aren’t as important as yours.

So to use the movement and hashtag example, a trans person saying “I’m going to use Say Her Name” anyway, is telling every Black person that you don’t care if you hurt them, and you’re telling every Black trans person that they’re not welcome in the trans community.

PLEASE SEE THE HARM THAT YOU ARE DOING, not just to people who are different from you (which should be enough on its own!), but to people who are also LIKE you.

There’s no such thing as “waiting your turn.” We’re not free until ALL of us are free, because if one group gains liberation while others still suffer… first of all, that’s a gigantic problem on its own, but if that’s not enough for you remember that no bigotry exists in a vacuum.

Nobody is just one type of bigot. Scratch a transphobe and find a racist. ALL BIGOTRY is connected, because at its root it’s all about fear and hatred of anyone who doesn’t conform to the false binaries of society established by rich able-bodied cisgender heterosexual white men.

So if we don’t fight for EVERYONE experiencing oppression (and morality requires that we do), eventually the oppression will come right back around to us again… as we just saw with the hard fought abortion rights just being overturned!

If you can’t do it for others, at least do it for the selfish reason of protecting YOURSELF.

How do you learn these things? How do you find out what life is life for people from different communities, people who experience different marginalizations than you? Well my friends, you follow them. You read what they have to say. You LISTEN.

I follow lots of trans people. I follow a lot of Black people, Latinx people, Asian people. I follow disabled people. I follow Muslims and Hindus and atheists and Jewish people. I follow people from every income level and of multiple genders and ages.

AND I LISTEN.

And you wouldn’t believe how much I learn. And that, hopefully, makes me a better ally to them. I WANT to be a better ally to them. I NEED to be. I need to be an accomplice in their liberation, just like we NEED cis people to be accomplices in trans liberation.

One of the people I’ve followed and learned so much from is Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg. I’m not Jewish or cis like she is. But she’s taught me SO much… and not just about Jewish people and their faith, but also about life.

And she has a great saying, “liberation is a group project.” It applies everywhere.

Be the ally and accomplice for others that we need them to be for us. #TellHerTruth

NONE OF US WITHOUT ALL OF US.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com