Cis Allyship

IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re talking about how when queer people finally get SOME representation that’s long been denied (specifically in #ALeagueOfTheirOwn #ALOTO), some cishet people, even allies, Cannot Process That. Welcome to: IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA.

Cis het people, it’s important for you to read this and understand what’s going on here. Sharing is encouraged. Because this is largely about you and the way you react to things about people who are… not you.

I’m also using “queer” instead of “trans” because the specific example I’m going to be talking about affects all LGBTQIA2S+ people, though it absolutely applies specifically to us trans folks too, with implicit transphobia.

Queer representation in television is something that’s long been rarer than unicorns, especially GOOD representation that doesn’t fall into stereotypes or outright hateful tropes. If I have to see one more show where trans women are victims, or jokes, or predators, I’m gonna pop a gasket.

See the trans tuesday on TRANS REP IN MEDIA 2022 for exactly how awful it can be when you’re a trans person looking to see yourself in the media you experience.
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And of course TRANS REP IN MEDIA 2023 for further evidence of where things are presently at with trans representation and the kinds of things we’re facing.

All too often when we finally do get great, much needed representation, a whole lot of cisgender heterosexual people don’t “get it.” They think it’s “bad” or “confusing” or “makes ‘em feel icky” or (fart noises). But queer stories don’t look like cishet stories, nor should they.

And the reason some cishet people get the willies from our stories is a little something called IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA.

I’m talking about how all of us have it ingrained into us in spite of our wishes (or knowledge) simply by being raised and existing within a system that is set up to BE queerphobic.

Here’s a great example for you… picture an airline pilot in your mind. What’s the first thing that comes to mind? Was it… a non-disabled cisgender heterosexual white man? Likely it was.

Even if you detest bigotry and do your best to promote equality and be an ally, that probably still happened. Especially if you’re a cishet white person. Why?

Because our society has taught you that’s what pilots look like. Even though we consciously know they can be women or trans or Black or Mexican or disabled or gay or bi. Even if you believe to your core all those people can be pilots and should be if they want to be.

Those are implicit biases. We have a whole host of them that seep into our subconscious minds without our permission, and we have to work to stop them and change our way of thinking. Implicit racism, sexism, ableism and more are very real.

Implicit biases are something we all have. When those implicit biases are about our own identifies or the marginalizations we experience, they become INTERNALIZED. See the trans tuesday on INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA, because these topics are absolutely related.

“A League of Their Own” was a show on Amazon Prime, and told a fictionalized version of the All American Girls Professional Baseball League that existed from the 1940s-1950s.

There was of course the movie of the same name released in 1992, but the big difference is the show came out thirty years later and queer acceptance is somewhat better (though really rough on the trans end).

So the new series tackled things the movie barely touched on or outright avoided and wasn’t able to address. Very specifically it deals with queerness and racism. A lot of the characters are gay or bi.

Lea Robinson, in a suit and tie, as Uncle Bert in A League of Their Own

There’s an actual trans character! Who faces a scene where a loved one calls him a “freak” that wounded my heart, but as part of the story it made sense and worked in the big picture.

As the show was coming out, before I’d even seen half of the episodes, I saw multiple cisgender heterosexual people (some who I know to be or who want to be real allies) wondering why “it had to be so queer” and that it was “forced queerness” and that’s such utter nonsense.

How many intrinsically queer shows can you name? Can you get to ten? Can you even get to five? We almost never get represented in the media, and so often when we do it’s still harmful stereotypes or worse, perpetuates tropes that enable the violence we face.

And that complaint completely erases the fact that the show was CREATED BY two queer people and told the story of this largely queer sports league that couldn’t be told before. This is a QUEER STORY being told by US and it causes some kind of disconnect in certain folks.

Why is it bad that it’s “so queer?” Why does it feel forced to you, simply because it does not center you and is not about you? To be clear there are still cisgender heterosexual characters in the show! Many of them! Is it about managing expectations? If so, why do you expect things will be cishet and center you?

Think about why that might be, and what that says about our society and also what that’s saying about queer people. Do you only expect to see us centered in shows that shout THIS IS FOR THE QUEERS?

If so, why? Why do you think that is? Why can’t a show for everyone also be for queer people? Are we not also part of “everyone?”

How many shows that shout THIS IS FOR THE QUEERS did you watch? “A League of Their Own?” “Queer as Folk?” “The L Word?” “Pose?” “Heartstopper?” Do you not watch them? Why not? Some might not be for you, but how do you know if you don’t try? A lesbian baseball show is 100% for me.

Does it make you uncomfortable when something largely ignores you? Do you understand how queer people feel for 99% of all shows? Why is it okay for us to feel that way, but not you?

Do you see the danger in implying we should only exist siloed off in explicitly queer stories? We deserve to see ourselves in sci-fi and horror and fantasy and relationship drama and family drama and kids’ entertainment and everything else.

One complaint I kept hearing was there’s no “story reason” for them to be queer, or for the one trans man to be trans but… how many things have you seen where there’s a “story reason” to be cisgender or heterosexual? Is it zero? IS IT ZERO? Of course it is.

Cisgender heterosexual characters are allowed to just exist in stories, and be people whose entire existence doesn’t need to be justified by the story. But some queer people show up and some folks shout WHY MUST THEY BE THERE?

Do you understand what this does to queer people, to hear this and think we’re not allowed to exist in a story unless there’s a specific reason for it? Which means we should just disappear and not be in media?

Never mind the reason is the real players were largely queer! Have you seen any pro women athletes? This is not news. The story’s being told by QUEER PEOPLE about QUEER HISTORY and even still some cishet folks think it just shouldn’t be a thing because it doesn’t cater to them.

D’Arcy Carden, Kate Berlant, Abbi Jacobson, and Molly Ephraim in their skirted baseball uniforms in A League of Their Own

One episode was even about the heteronormativity that the women players were forced into by the league. They had to wear makeup, couldn’t wear pants, and had to play in skirts.

There’s a whole episode about police raids on what little queer culture there was! It’s very clearly queer all the way through.

Just how queer was it? Of the main cast or recurring characters, by my count there were nine queer characters. How many cishet main or recurring characters are there? ELEVEN!

Queer people, a mix of ALL cis/trans/nonbinary people and sexualities, are not even HALF OF THE CHARACTERS of ONE SPECIFIC IDENTITY: cisgender heterosexual.

I will likely never in my life see a single show or movie that’s even close to 50% trans people, let alone the ENTIRE CAST. But nearly everything is ENTIRELY cisgender. Why? There’s no such thing as a “default” human. Other people exist. But our media doesn’t often present that.

For more on how there is, in fact, no default human, see the trans tuesday on CIS IS NOT A SLUR.

Can you even imagine a world where 99% of shows were ENTIRELY queer except for an occasional cishet person who was the butt of a joke or the victim of violence? Can you imagine a world where ALL media is like that? How would it make you feel?

Now imagine you finally get a show or two about you and your story, and you’re still not even more than half the cast, and all the queer people wonder why you have to “force your cishet-ness into things.”

And I would like to point out how there’s not many queer people in shows mostly full of cishet characters. Certainly there are no shows I can think of with mainly cishet characters where queer people make up almost half the cast, let alone outnumber them!

The result is that these cishet people who I like, who want to be allies, are out here forcing queer people like me to justify a queer show’s existence because they can’t see the implicit biases that are so very ingrained within them.

When we can’t see ourselves in media, it crushes us. We feel like we don’t belong and aren’t wanted. See the trans tuesday on BAD REPRESENTATION for more on that.

But when we DO see ourselves? It’s life-changing! Dr. Mae Jemison was inspired to become an astronaut by seeing Nichelle Nichols as Uhura in “Star Trek!”

I wrote an entire book about the trans allegories of The Matrix, which means so much to the trans community because those movies speak to us and about us in a way nothing else does. It’s almost literally all we have! Those movies have changed so many lives, for the better.

A League of Their Own even made one of the original women’s pro baseball players finally feel she could come out. She kept her truth hidden for NINETY-FIVE YEARS because of the queerphobia in society!

Co-creator Abbi Jacobson said, “She came out at 95. It’s never too late to do that. It made me feel so proud of the show that we’re telling these stories — that maybe she wouldn’t have had to wait til she was 95 if more stories had been told.”

HOW MUCH CLEARER CAN THE IMPORTANCE OF REPRESENTATION BE? Look at this article about co-creators Will Graham and Abbi Jacobson and what the show meant to them, as queer people. How can you think the show was “too queer?” How can you find it “forced” when we tell our own stories?

Graham: “This show is really the story of a generation of women who wanted to play baseball and a lot of those women were queer.

Graham: “I think queer audiences are very used to people sort of teasing them and giving some crumbs and giving a little, and this is a show that is trying to authentically tell those stories very wholly.”

This show meant SO MUCH to the queer community. Look what it meant to Black queer folks!

Look at the amazing history it’s brought to light! Go learn about Black trans people in history!

@IWBC4Me on twitter writes: @LeagueOnPrime ‘s Uncle Bert has recommended Black on Both Sides: A Racial History of Trans Identity to better understand Black trans lives of the time. #ALeagueOfTheirOwn #APleaceOfTheirOwn #FindYourTeam #Resources #StepUpToTheSport

Search the #ALOTO, #ALeageOfTheirOwn, #LeagueOfTheirOwn hashtags, still going strong over a year later, and absorb just what this one show meant to so many queer people. How can you deny the importance of this kind of representation?

To Will Graham, Abbi Jacobsen, the writers, cast, & crew, thank you for giving us something so wonderful that means so much to so many, and for saying trans people exist in that world. I’m so sad we’ll never get any more of it. I’m so sad I’ll never get the chance to write for it.

I get it, implicit biases are hard to wake up from. But if you don’t try, if you don’t DO THE WORK to celebrate marginalized voices telling our own stories, if you wonder why our stories don’t center you (even when you’re still heavily featured!) you’re not being a true ally.

In fact, if you want to actively make things better for us, take the initiative and hire more trans people (in this case, specifically trans writers). Staff us on your shows. Include trans characters in your shows. Help us get our stories told. See the trans tuesday on PROACTIVE ALLYSHIP (be an accomplice).

We deserve to see ourselves in media. Queer people need to be the ones telling our stories. And you need to be okay with them not being about you. Please help us get there.

That’s the only way things get better.

For all of us.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Cis Allyship

CIS SPOUSAL AND PARTNER SUPPORT

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we discuss something super important for a lot of trans folks, and yet it so very often goes south and impacts us in so many ways: CIS SPOUSAL AND PARTNER SUPPORT DURING TRANSITION.

It’s a fairly well-known thing in the trans community that a whole lot of relationships do not survive transition. I wanted to provide you with some hard numbers on the amount of trans people that have been forced to divorce or lost partners after coming out.

But despite my best efforts, I couldn’t find any data on it. My hope is when the more detailed results of the 2022 US Trans Survey are released, there will be some information in there about it. I did a couple trans tuesdays on THE 2022 US TRANS SURVEY RESULTS.

Those early insights didn’t include any information on relationship status, or whether coming out affected that, and almost nobody studies trans people or issues at all (which is part of why that 2022 US Trans Survey was so important).

There’s a couple of interesting articles about it, though they of course lack any statistics because we just don’t have those. Here’s one from a lawyer who works in family law and specializes in helping trans clients through divorces.

And here’s an article about a trans woman who went through a divorce, and how horrible it was for her (BECAUSE she was trans, on top of all the other ways divorces can be horrible).

All of that means that, like so many things about trans life, this is anecdotal. There aren’t enough studies done on us, much less BY trans people, for us to have hard numbers for a lot of things. See other ways this impacts us in the trans tuesday on ANECDOTAL TRANS HEALTHCARE.

The fear of losing a spouse or committed partner (and thus also possibly children and a home) is a very real one that nearly every trans person faces when coming out. It shouldn’t be that way, but this is the world we live in.

Part of the remarkable privilege I have as a trans woman is that I *didn’t* lose my wife, or my kid, or my home when I came out as trans to them. I talked a bit about that in the trans tuesday on my own PRIVILEGE (and time and money).

And just really quick, I’m also remarkably privileged because I just so happen to be very very white, and if you don’t understand how every vector of marginalization a person faces compounds the roadblocks they face, see the trans tuesday on TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY.

And I cannot even properly put into words how important the support of my wife Susan was to me. She was the first person I came out to, the first one I told I was pretty sure I was trans back in 2015 (even though I knew i couldn’t fully transition until 2020).

It’s not like there weren’t any bumps in the road or adjustments to be made, it’d be ludicrous for anyone to think that would be the case. But we love each other and are best friends and have always had great communication (which is vital for any relationship to succeed).

And so we… worked it out. Together. She actually HELPED me figure out some things I could do to start my transition in “socially acceptable” ways. For a little more on that, and how exercise was one of the ways that worked for me, see the trans tuesday on BODY HACKING.

Now she’s bisexual, so the fact I’m really a woman and not a man didn’t impact her attraction to me in a negative way (maybe actually the opposite, which is another way I’m incredibly privileged actually).

And while I completely understand someone not being the gender you (or they!) thought they were could impact how attracted to them you feel. Sure. That’s just how things work sometimes.

But here’s the thing.

When you commit to someone in marriage (or any other long-term romantic relationship), you are COMMITTING TO THEM, are you not?

There are so many things in life that can impact how attracted we are to our partners. NOT to pathologize transness or to in any way compare these two things in any way but the most superficial:

I’ve seen so many people ask things like “if your spouse was in a horrible accident and was disfigured, would you stay with them?” And that’s ableist and bullshit and wrong to even ask on a fundamental level, right?

Because the answer is, OF COURSE YES (if you truly love them and aren’t a horrible ableist monster, but if you are well then there’s your problem). In that instance you may not feel the same attraction to them, and that may be difficult, but it doesn’t change your feelings for them.

So how is a trans person coming out any different (in that ONE superficial way, I am in NO WAY comparing being trans to being disabled)? Their appearance may change, their clothes or hair or voice or name might change… but they’re still YOUR PERSON, the one YOU LOVE and CARE ABOUT and WANTED TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH. And I’m going to tell you something now that you might not believe, but it’s absolutely, totally, one hundred percent, and in all other ways true:

I have ZERO attraction to men whatsoever, but if my wife discovered she was a trans man I would fully support her, help with her transition in any way I could, and absolutely stay married to her for the rest of my life. SHE. IS. MY. PERSON.

And if it’s about sex, look, there are other options, ways to figure things out. Sex is important to a lot of people. I like the sex! The sex is good. But it’s not REMOTELY the most important thing in my relationship with my wife, y’know?

Now look, divorces and breakups happen for a lot of reasons. I’m NOT talking about those, and I’m NOT talking about trans people coming out and finding their true selves, and realizing their marriage isn’t right or what they really wanted. Those things happen, that’s life.

I’m talking about how trans people come out and so often spouses draw a hard line. “If you transition, I will divorce you.” “If you transition, I will take the children and you’ll never see them again.”

I know multiple (MULTIPLE!) trans people whose spouses are preventing them from transition, using the threat of lost homes, families, relationships, and children hostage to demand the person they claim to love continue living a lie FOR THEIR OWN COMFORT.

AND IT. IS. SUCH. TOTAL. FUCKING. BULLSHIT.

How can you ask the person you CLAIM to love most in the world to continue to be unhappy for your COMFORT? For those with dysphoria, how can you ask them to continue living a life of isolation, pain, and agony FOR. YOUR. COMFORT?

That’s not the deal. That’s not how relationships work. That’s not how any of this works! Again, not to pathologize transness, but it may help some of you to draw this allusion:

For those of us who experience GENDER DYSPHORIA, it’s just about the absolute worst thing in the entire world in ways you cis folks might not truly understand.

I know multiple trans people with dysphoria whose spouses won’t “let” them transition, who are holding their relationship, home, and kids hostage. I know how it hurts them, the pain they go through… not seeing a way out and not knowing what to do. You shouldn’t be forcing them to make those choices! It’s unconscionable.

And again, not to pathologize transness, but like… If your spouse or partner fell down the stairs and broke their leg, and getting a cast so they could heal was a terrible inconvenience to you, would you ask them to just not do anything about it?

Would you tell them if they got medical help for a problem they have, you would DIVORCE THEM and TAKE THE KIDS and KICK THEM OUT?!?

This is why I just don’t understand it. How could you ask ANYONE to suffer through this shit for your own comfort? How could you ask anyone to put YOUR OWN DISCOMFORT over their very real pain and anguish of being forced to live a lie?

How can you WANT THEM to LIVE A LIE just so you don’t feel weird for a while?! HOW? HOW? HOW? HOW? HOW?

How is that love? How is that partnership? How is that even remotely an okay way to treat ANYONE ON EARTH, much less the person you love the most?

It breaks my brain.

By the way, this is super SUPER tied in with a little thing called CIS GRIEF, where when trans people come out, cis people routinely put their own feelings above ours. It’s insidious, it’s awful, it’s a problem.

And if you’re not okay with being seen as married to or in a relationship with someone of your own gender, or a trans or nonbinary person, then you’ve got some homophobia and transphobia to work through. And that’s on YOU, not your spouse or partner.

I know it changes things, absolutely. Susan and I went from appearing to be a cishet couple to being an obviously queer lesbian couple, and that changes how the world reacts to you and how you move through it. But it’s something you adjust to and figure out TOGETHER.

I don’t know what I’d have done if Susan wasn’t okay with me transitioning. I never in a million years thought she’d ask me not to transition, but I was still terrified to tell her, to come out to her, to speak the words out loud that could change everything.

Because they COULD change everything, right? Even though it shouldn’t. Even when I KNEW she’d accept me and love me no matter what. Because I’d seen it happen to so many others, and I know how cruel this world is to trans people.

I don’t think I would have been able to find the strength to transition if she hadn’t always, always, ALWAYS given me the space to explore, experiment, try things out, and find myself. It was Susan that saved me from the terrible home life i was in when I lived with my parents.

And it’s her that saved me when I came out to her, because she didn’t just “let” me transition and find my true self, she HELPED ME DO IT. And I don’t know any clearer way to explain to you that THAT’S HOW IT SHOULD BE.

We talked. I told her about what I was going through, how I’d felt my whole life, what living with dysphoria was like, how I looked back and saw through my life that THE SIGNS WERE ALWAYS THERE (that I was trans) (yep, there’s a trans tuesday about it).

She never, ever, EVER made me feel bad about any of it, for any reason. She listened, and asked questions, and then basically said “well if that’s what you need to do, let’s figure out how to do it.”

And I don’t know if I’d have been able to go through everything transition entails if I didn’t have her by my side the entire way. She’s my eternal cis backup, she fights for me and defends me and helps me and loves me, the way a best friend and wife should.

In fact, cis spousal or partner support is so rare for trans people, a whole lot of us are exclusively T4T, or “trans for trans.” Meaning we only date or look for relationships with other trans people, who know what we’re going through and won’t abandon us because of it.

To the cis folks listening, you do not know, YOU DO NOT KNOW, how important and vital your support of us is when we come out to you, and THAT GOES DOUBLE if you’re a spouse or romantic partner in a long-term committed relationship of any kind.

WE NEED YOU TO BE THERE FOR US, because society makes transition really difficult (and it shouldn’t! It absolutely shouldn’t!), just like you need US to be there for YOU.

When you’re married to someone, or committed to them long term, that’s what you signed up for. It’s what loving and caring about someone is: helping them when they need it. Because you want them to be happy, and not in pain, and not living a lie.

And we need you to support our transitions.

THAT’S THE JOB.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Cis Allyship

CIS PEOPLE GET GENDER AFFIRMING HEALTHCARE TOO

Welcome to #TransTuesday! I’ve talked so many times about how trans people and cis people really aren’t all that different, but there’s one way most cis people never realize that may just blow your mind. Strap in for CIS PEOPLE GET GENDER AFFIRMING HEALTHCARE TOO.

There are lots of these Trans Tuesdays where I point out, time and again, that trans people are not really that different from cis people. We can be right, we can be wrong, we can be amazing, we can be terrible, because we’re human beings.

We experience the world differently, and we’re certainly treated differently (especially by cis lawmakers in half the United States), but we have plenty in common with cis people. You can most easily see this play out in the Trans Tuesdays examining trans allegories in media.

There is, of course first and foremost, my deep dives into the entire Matrix franchise, which will not only help trans people feel seen and understood, and help cis people learn how important true allyship is, but will show you how trans stories are human stories.

If you’re waiting for the book or don’t have the time for sixty thousand words right now, you can see the Trans Tuesday on THE UNINTENTIONAL (?) TRANS ALLEGORY OF THE LITTLE MERMAID’S “PART OF YOUR WORLD,” for a more brief example of how human trans stories can be.

But you can also see it in THE UNINTENTIONAL (?) TRANS ALLEGORY OF THE TWILIGHT ZONE’S “NERVOUS MAN IN A FOUR DOLLAR ROOM.”
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And in THE INTENTIONAL TRANS ALLEGORY OF REAL GENIUS.

And in THE UNINTENTIONAL (?) TRANS ALLEGORY OF SILO s1.

What we’re talking about today isn’t fiction, it’s not a story, it wasn’t anything written or created by anyone. But I want you to have that context because, in a broad sense, they’re absolutely connected.

All those examinations of how stories (intentionally or otherwise) speak to the trans experience show you how very much cis people can identify with a LOT of what we go through, even if some of the specifics are different.

So when you think about medicine or surgical procedures trans people may get to help confirm their gender, what I want you to understand is that cis people not only get so many of the same (or similar) procedures, but THEY GET THEM FOR THE EXACT SAME REASON.

Let’s start with HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY. If you need a refresher on the basics of that, see that trans tuesday.

For trans women, HRT usually involves introducing estrogen (and often also progesterone) into the body, and suppressing testosterone. I’ve also mentioned this multiple times before, but here it is again:

THE ESTROGEN AND PROGESTERONE THAT TRANS WOMEN TAKE WAS DEVELOPED FOR POST-MENOPAUSAL CIS WOMEN. As cis women age, especially after menopause, their bodies make less of those hormones, so they’re often introduced.

And WHY is that done? As I’ve talked about before, estrogen and testosterone fight each other in the body. When a cis woman’s estrogen drops, her testosterone will rise. What are some common symptoms of menopause?

Hot flashes. Hair loss. Facial hair growth. THINGS ASSOCIATED WITH TESTOSTERONE, and caused by their T levels rising because their E levels dropped.

And for cis women who experience hair loss and facial hair growth, it can make them feel terrible.

And guess what we call that?

G E N D E R D Y S P H O R I A

They literally take HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY to AFFIRM THEIR GENDER. And I’ve also mentioned before how all the testosterone suppressing drugs trans women take were developed for CIS MEN.

These drugs were developed to treat prostate cancer or enlarged prostates, they were developed to treat hair loss, they were all developed to treat problems cis men face BY LOWERING THEIR TESTOSTERONE.

And cis men often take testosterone also for gender-affirming reasons. If they have low T, injections can help them with erectile dysfunction, libido, and loss of muscle mass. If all of that isn’t gender-affirming, WHAT IS?

“Okay Tills, you’ve convinced me. I’m a science-minded and fact-believing person, so sure, I understand that HRT was all developed for cis people, and they get it too (often for the EXACT SAME REASONS), I’ll give you that.” I’m so glad you’re starting to see the big picture!

“But gender confirmation surgeries? C’mon. No cis people do that.”

Buckle up, friend, this ride’s gonna get bumpy.

The American Society of Plastic Surgeons released some stats about cosmetic procedures in 2022.

The most popular procedure performed was liposuction, and while that’s absolutely connected to our society’s fatphobia, I want you to also understand that’s inexorably intertwined with what our society says a man and a woman “should” look like.

I talked a little bit about that in the Trans Tuesday on PHYSICAL REPRESENTATION (and the Hollywood ideal).

If society tells you that men and women look a certain way, and that way (especially for women) is to be thin and under a certain weight, you can ABSOLUTELY make a case that those liposuction procedures are gender confirmation.

Because some of the women getting those procedures are doing so because they don’t feel as much like a woman as they want to BECAUSE of the implicit fatphobia society has placed within all of us.

If you need more information on implicit biases, see the Trans Tuesday on IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA.

And also the Trans Tuesday on INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA.

And while I think the link between liposuction and gender confirmation is real and valid, I know some will find it tenuous. So let’s move on to some others, like that stalwart BREAST AUGMENTATION. Why… do you think… cis women… want to increase their breast size?

IT IS TO CONFIRM THEIR GENDER, MY FRIENDS.

And if you’re like “but you don’t have to have large breasts to be a woman,” you are CORRECT. It is again implicit biases society has put within us that makes some cis women feel that way (and others may want them for their own reasons, but that’s still confirming their gender).

And if you can see how society pressures women to have larger breasts due to that Hollywood Ideal, and getting a breast augmentation moves them closer to that ideal and thus makes them feel more like what society says a woman is…

Then you can see how a lot of people, men and women alike, are getting liposuction for the exact same reason. Do you see? IT’S ALL GENDER CONFIRMATION.

Look at some of the other big ones… facelifts (makes you look younger, thus closer to the “ideal,” thus more like the way society says your gender should look), tummy tucks (see liposuction), breast lifts, nose jobs, butt lifts, lip fillers…

Why do many cis women who’ve had mastectomies get breast augmentation? The same reason! These procedures are ALL about confirming (to yourself, to the world, often both) that YOU ARE THE GENDER YOU KNOW YOURSELF TO BE.

And it’s not just women! Gynecomastia procedures are increasing. Do you know what that is? It’s a reduction in breast tissue… THAT CIS MEN ARE GETTING.

Why on earth would cis men want that?

Is it… is it TO CONFIRM THEIR GENDER?!?

And if you think maybe these procedures are “less extreme” than some of what trans people go through, I’m gonna tell you that cis men are getting surgical LEG LENGTHENING PROCEDURES TO MAKE THEM TALLER.

And once you understand what’s involved in such a procedure, you’ll see it’s… well, some might say “extreme.” But these cis men want to be taller. Why? WHY? Because our “IDEAL” says men are tall and women are not! And being taller CONFIRMS THEIR GENDERRRRRRRR.

Do you hear A N Y O N E complaining about any of these procedures for cis people?

Did you know that in almost every state that feels they must legislate against gender confirmation surgeries for trans kids (which ARE NOT HAPPENING), they still allow cis girl teens to get breast augmentations?

Did you know that in those bans on trans healthcare the people making those laws EXPLICITLY MAKE IT CLEAR THAT SURGERIES ***CAN*** BE FORCED ON INTERSEX CHILDREN BY THEIR PARENTS???

Because both of those things uphold THE FALSE DICHOTOMY, the false cisgender binary of society, and so the people banning trans healthcare are doing so ONLY because WE PROVE THAT BINARY IS A LIE.

I don’t know how I can make it any clearer to you. Some trans people use hormones to confirm their gender. SO DO SOME CIS PEOPLE. Some trans people use surgeries to confirm their gender. SO DO SOME CIS PEOPLE!

You NEED to see the hypocrisy at play here. It’s nothing more than “not for thee but fine for me.” And trans people are the ones who actually NEED these things to alleviate the dysphoria that many of us have struggled with for a lifetime.

If you’re fine with cis people receiving all of that healthcare if it’s what they want, you’re just a bigoted hypocrite if you’re not fine with trans people receiving all of that healthcare when it’s what we NEED.

What this all comes down to is BODILY AUTONOMY (and yes there’s a Trans Tuesday on that too). Either we all have it, or we all don’t. You do what you want with your body, I’ll do what I want with mine, and how about that’s THE END OF IT?

And if you don’t understand how all bodily autonomy, like the right to abortion and trans healthcare, is all the exact same fight, let a little TRANS RAGE light the way.

NOBODY gets to tell us what we can or can’t do with our own bodies. All we trans people want is equality and access to ALL THE THINGS CIS PEOPLE HAVE AND TAKE FOR GRANTED.

Help us get there or get out of the way.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Cis Allyship

CIS GRIEF (over trans people when we come out)

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re talking about something nearly every trans person has to deal with, even though we shouldn’t… because this isn’t about us, it’s about cis people. Prepare thyself, because we’re gonna talk about CIS GRIEF OVER TRANS PEOPLE.

Cis friends, as before (and as always, actually), your sharing of this is vital because your cis friends, family, and acquaintances are the ones who need to hear this. Maybe you do, too.

This has been on my list of topics to cover for a while, but I’ve kept putting it off because it’s tough to talk about. It’s… delicate, I guess? I have tons of cis friends and family, and I certainly don’t want to upset anyone. But this crap keeps happening.

When I say “cis grief” I’m talking about the feelings cis people have when someone in their lives, usually someone very close to them, comes out as trans. For many cis people it’s a surprise, a shock, something totally unexpected.

And what ends up happening far too often is cis people then center themselves in the situation, aka “My brother now says they’re my sister and I don’t know how to handle it!” and here’s the thing:

it doesn’t matter.

That may seem harsh, so let me explain.

Of course cis people’s feelings matter, and you have got to take the time to feel your feelings and process the changes. I’m not saying you shouldn’t, nor has any trans person I’ve ever seen implied that. Feelings are complicated for everyone involved, especially us.

But we live in a world that basically hates trans people. Plenty of allies are on our side, but is it enough to make anti-trans laws a thing of the distant past? I will direct you to my post on TRANS RAGE aka STOP FORGETTING ABOUT US.

And of course its ultra-depressing follow-up, TRANS RAGE 2: CIS APATHY.

To claim that we do not live in an ultra transphobic society is to be willfully blind to the realities of trans existence. A trans person realizing their transness and coming out takes remarkable COURAGE, even though it shouldn’t have to.

You can’t imagine how difficult it is to stand up to the transphobia of the world and declare your transness anyway, to know that living an authentic life as your true self has to be done in spite of people and laws that do all they can to ensure you can’t exist.

You also need to understand when a trans person comes out, it’s not a sad event. IT IS CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION. You need to understand it for what it is.

It’s someone you care about saying they need to live their truth, it’s them showing you their true selves and trusting you to accept and love them unconditionally AS YOU SHOULD. It’s them casting off years’ worth (or a lifetime’s worth) of pain and isolation.

It’s them breaking out of the shell, the prison, the confinement that kept you from knowing the real them for your entire relationship to that point. You FINALLY get to know and see and love the real person inside! How is that anything less than exciting?

But so often when a trans person comes out the response is GRIEF. “I just need to grieve for the person you were,” “I have to figure out how to say goodbye to the person I loved,” “I’m not ready to lose the only you I’ve ever known,” etc. Unequivocally:

THAT. IS. ALL. BULLSHIT.

The “person we were” was never who we actually were, it was a hollow costume and a part we didn’t know how to play and a person we never wanted to be. See the trans tuesday on GENDER DYSPHORIA.

The “person you loved” WAS NEVER REALLY US. It was parts of us, at best, trying to break through. NOW you can see the REAL person you love, we’re here and WE NEED YOU.

You’re not “losing” anything other than someone you care about and love no longer being in as much pain and misery for every waking moment of their life. HOW IS THAT NOT JOYOUS TO YOU?

SO much joy for us lies on the other side. Here’s the trans tuesday on GENDER EUPHORIA. Don’t you want that for people you love and care about?

But so many cis people mourn who they thought we were, and I need you to understand what that’s saying. You’re saying THE THING WE ONLY PRETENDED TO BE AND THAT BROUGHT US GREAT PAIN was more important to you than who we really are.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have those feelings, or take time to process them. But you absolutely DO NOT DO IT IN FRONT OF THE PERSON WHO JUST CAME OUT TO YOU. You don’t tell them how much you’ll “miss” the thing that brought them nothing but pain.

Just think about what that would do to someone, the damage and hurt it would cause. Pretending to be something that hurt us made you happy, but being our true selves brings you pain? In a world that already does everything it can to keep us locked in that pain for eternity?

That is… not something you do to someone you love and care about. And it centers you in OUR pain and OUR coming out, rather than us. Our coming out IS NOT ABOUT YOU. It is about US.

There have been viral tweets with parents wailing about their kids coming out as trans and “needing the time to process” and “mourning their lost son/daughter” meanwhile their trans kids need them and are scared and live in a society where they’re under attack.

PROCESS ON YOUR OWN TIME. Do not make what may well be the most important time in our lives about you. Don’t mourn the lie we were forced to live more than you celebrate the truth that has finally revealed itself to you.

This also goes for us coming out. Who gets told when is not for you to decide. Coming out is such a deeply personal and complicated thing, and absolutely NOBODY, much less a cis person, gets to dictate how, when, and to whom trans people come out.

Before I came out publicly, I came out privately to some friends and family members. But not every friend I have, or everyone I knew. The reasons for that are my own. You don’t get to be mad if you weren’t told before my public post announcing it to the world.

Yet I have a few people who I thought were friends that seemed upset they didn’t get told earlier… as if it were somehow about them and not about ME. And they’ve barely talked to me since (which maybe validates part of why they didn’t get told early).

They’re upset, they’re GRIEVING that they didn’t get to be one of the people I told first. Why does that even matter? Why does it matter MORE than you now being able to see, know, and love the real me? Why are your feelings more important than mine regarding MY coming out?

What I’m getting at is that all of this, ALL OF IT, is about cis people putting their feelings above those of the trans person WHO ABSOLUTELY NEEDS THEIR ENTIRE SUPPORT RIGHT NOW. In coming out we’re choosing to fight transphobic society just for the right to exist.

And y’know… it’s actually not that difficult to support a loved one when they come out as trans. It will take work, and practice, but hopefully you think we’re as worth it as this lovely lady thought her trans son was (he’s so very lucky to have her for a mom).
https://twitter.com/rliumd/status/1569385979013918720

Do you see? It’s ON YOU to CELEBRATE the real us and not mourn for the pain we felt. WE NEED YOU TO SUPPORT US AND CELEBRATE OUR EXISTENCE.

Be there for us and don’t make it about you. Please.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Cis Allyship

WHAT REAL CIS ACCEPTANCE LOOKS LIKE

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week’s topic is one that’s really important and involves the cis folks out there just as much as it involves any transgender person. We’re talking about WHAT REAL CIS ACCEPTANCE LOOKS LIKE. Cis folks, PLEASE spread the word on this.

So what am I talking about when I say “acceptance”? It’s not just being okay or fine or even just “accepting” that trans people exist. It’s about seeing us for who we tell you we are, and BELIEVING us, and then the most important part… letting us know.

Again I do not claim to speak for all trans folks or all trans women, but for many of us we’ve spent our entire lives not feeling seen. I referenced this a bit in the Trans Tuesday on GENDER DYSPHORIA.

Specifically I’ve described my dysphoria as feeling like you’re behind a six foot thick concrete wall, separating you from the rest of the world. We can see out, and can see you, but you can’t see us.

Or being underwater, drowning, and everyone we care about can’t see that we need help, or that society and other cis people are the ones holding us underwater. Hopefully more of you are waking up to that, but that’s another topic entirely.

If you’d like more information on that, please see the trans Tuesday on TRANS RAGE.

And its companion and follow-up, TRANS RAGE 2: CIS APATHY.

True acceptance is being seen for who we really are, and then (surprise) actually BEING ACCEPTED AS THAT PERSON. As our true selves.

The most important part of this for me was my amazing wife @susanlbridges, and our son, and all of our good friends. The people we’re closest to are the ones most important to get that validation from. But I want to focus on the rest of the world.

Here’s but one of the thousands of examples you can easily find of the kind of thing trans people are up against, simply for being… human beings who want to live our lives in peace, I guess? The audacity.

Here’s an article from the Washington Post about anti-trans bills in 2022. It was written in October of 2022, about how more anti-trans legislation had been filed last year than any other year on record. The same happened in 2021, but 2022 topped it.

And guess where we’re at in 2023? We’ve ALREADY BEATEN THE NUMBER FROM ALL OF 2022, AND IT’S ONLY JANUARY!

The antithesis of that kind of hate isn’t just you being “okay” with my existence. It’s about acknowledging it and letting me know (I’m not looking for personal affirmation from any of you right now, don’t flood my inbox).

And it has to be legit. You can’t say you’re “okay” with me existing and then spout incredibly horrible, incorrect lies about trans people, and then when gently corrected shout “Stop telling me what to think!”

That literally just happened to me with a cis woman who honestly believed she was “fine” with trans people, which I suppose is just something you somehow find a way to convince yourself of even in spite of trans people saying “what you’re doing is harmful.”

If you can’t listen and learn, to someone from ANY marginalized community, you’re not an ally and you’re not even “okay” with us. You’re a direct part of the problem that makes life so difficult for us.

One of the things I was worried about with coming out was the potential of it ruining any shot Susan and I have of a career in screenwriting and comics. I certainly don’t want to work for bigots, I’m not lamenting that loss. But we’re WRITERS and we want to WRITE.

When I came out publicly, I thanked a lot of people for making it possible… trans people who inspired me, and CIS PEOPLE WHO I KNEW WOULD ACCEPT ME because they were loud and proud about their acceptance of trans people.

I was absolutely serious when I said the support of those people, editors and writers and producers, helped me be able to transition, helped me to feel there was a place for me to be myself in this world AND still have a writing career.

If I felt like transitioning was truly going to be career death, it would have been so much harder for me. Maybe even impossible. That’s how important writing is to us, to me. It’s as much a part of who I am as being a wife, a mom, a friend, and a trans woman.

I promise you, if you’ve publicly posted your support of trans people, WE NOTICE. IT MATTERS. It can change our entire worlds.

Present estimates seem to put 2-5% of the US population as trans. In easier to understand terms, that’s somewhere between 1 in 50 and 1 in 20 people. Now think about how many people you know from all areas of your life.

How many of them are out and open about being trans? I can almost GUARANTEE you there are trans people in your life that you don’t yet know are trans. They might not yet know themselves. It took me years to figure out. Everyone discovers it in their own time.

But I promise you they see you. They’re watching and will see what you, the people they love, care about, admire, and respect think of them as human beings.

Don’t you WANT to be someone they know they can trust to tell, because they’re certain they’re going to get support from you? Don’t you WANT your friends and family to feel free to actually be themselves around you?

Acceptance. Matters. And I thought I knew how much, but it surprised even me. Story time! (I like to do those, don’t I? It’s almost like I’m a… writer, or something.)

You may have wondered what this post of mine was about:

A social media post I made at 9:56 pm on Jan 11, 2023 that reads: this afternoon I experienced something I never ever had before, something that for most of my life I thought I never would. It’s a very strange thing. Very GOOD but so complex to process. Life is strange and beautiful [purple heart emoji]

Susan and I were invited to a casual little get-together our friend was holding. It was just a bunch of geeky ladies hanging out with snacks and drinks.

Did you pick up on what I just said? Because I didn’t pick up on it until I was there and it hit me like a twelve-ton avalanche.

It was a bunch. Of geeky. LADIES.

AND. I. WAS. INVITED. AND. WELCOMED.

And yes, good! Trans women should be invited to things for ladies, trans men invited to things for men! I would stand up and shout that from the rooftops and take up arms to defend it. We ARE women and men, after all.

But when I was there, we were just chatting with friends and folks we’d not met before, and a few more people trickled in over time as happens with things like this. And every time someone new came in I’d look over and smile or wave…

And suddenly I felt the earth move. Why… why was everyone coming in a woman? Why was… why was everyone here a woman? Why was *I* here with all these women? Oh god I’m not supposed to be here.

Yes. Yes I WAS. My FRIEND invited me to an event for women and I AM A WOMAN. But I have never, ever, EVER IN MY LIFE been to an event just for women before. I’ve been out for years now, but, y’know… global pandemic.

For more information on how THAT has mucked with a lot of my plans, see the trans Tuesday on A PANDEMIC TRANSITION.

This was the first chance I got to be somewhere reserved only for people like me.

PEOPLE.

LIKE.

ME.

I am like those people! Those people have different experiences of womanhood than I do, but we’re all still part of the same broader category we use to define a type of human being.

Just like we white women have a different experience of womanhood than Black women do. Just like we non-disabled women have a different experience than disabled women. Just like young women have a different experience than senior women do.

BUT WE ARE ALL STILL WOMEN.

Trans is just another kind of woman you can be. And here I was, being me, being a TRANS WOMAN… in a group of women. And all of them treated me exactly like they did each other… just another fun geeky lady to get to know and become friends with. It was overwhelming.

Just like the first time I got to be in a group of strangers after transitioning, and finding how WILDLY different the experience was. You can find more on that in my Trans Tuesday on CONFIDENCE 2: INTO THE UNKNOWN aka WHAT IS HAPPENING aka A WHOLE NEW WORLD.

It was hard to process. I found some old nervous tics and fidgeting I used to do coming back without my consent (how dare!) because I was just struggling to process everything that was happening. And it wasn’t even anything monumental… to anyone but me.

But for ME, it was something I’ll never ever forget. Because it’s the first time I got to be with a group of only women… all of who, collectively with their actions, said “We see you. You are a woman. And you belong here with us.”

It means so much to me I could cry (no it’s not the HRT, shut up). I cannot thank my talented and brilliant friend who invited me enough for giving me something I’d never had before, and that for a long time thought I never, ever would get to have.

And that was as simple as truly, genuinely, whole-heartedly ACCEPTING me as the woman I am. THIS is the power you cis folks can have to do good in this world. To change things for the better in small ways that cost you nothing.

If you believe in the humanity of every person, if you believe in justice and equality and that EVERYONE should be free to be their true selves… MAKE SURE THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE KNOW. They need you to be loud about it. ACCEPT THEM.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

PS – I was lookin’ cute AF that day

Me! I have long brown curly hair and curly bangs, dark eyeliner, pink lipstick, pink-framed glasses, and am wearing a peachy-pink sweater.

Cis Allyship Trans Life

TRANS MICROAGGRESSIONS

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re discussing something every trans person has to deal with, all these little things that add up in ways cis people likely don’t even realize. It’s death by a thousand cuts with TRANS MICROAGGRESSIONS.

Cis folks, this one is again largely directed at you. So please read and try to understand. Please share this with other cis folks, because you can have a greater impact on them than I can. And this is one of those things we need to change.

If you’re unfamiliar with the concept of microaggressions, they’re small comments usually made offhand, and usually without any ill intent. But due to unfamiliarity with the marginalized community they’re being said to, they end up being hurtful.

But Tilly, how can that be? Listen, it’s confusing, right? If you’re not intending to be hurtful or biased toward a marginalized community, how can it happen? Well let me direct you to the trans tuesday on IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA.

And this happens even with parts of our own identities, as you can learn about in the trans tuesday on INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA.

All of us, by “virtue” of being raised in a white, non-disabled, cisgender, heterosexual society have these biases implanted in us without our knowledge. Also see the trans tuesday on GENDERED CHILDHOODS for more examples.

And I’d be remiss if I did not mention that any trans person who faces more than one societal marginalization has to deal with compounding microaggressions, which makes things even harder. See the trans tuesday on TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY for more on that.

So let’s talk about some incredibly common trans microaggressions, so you have an idea of what we’re talking about and, if you’re cis, what NOT to say to trans people.

The most common one I personally received, especially in the early days after coming out, was “welcome to being a woman!” And it universally came from cis women, and it was in response to me talking about something I was dealing with.

“My bra is uncomfortable.” welcome to being a woman!

“Gosh the women’s bathroom line is long.” Welcome To Being A Woman!

“I experienced misogyny.” WELCOME TO BEING A WOMAN!

It came as a response to ANYTHING remotely about BEING a woman in society. And what’s so bad about that, you ask? Well, first of all, being a woman WAS NOT NEW FOR ME. I’ve been a woman since I was born, but I had junk that made a doctor decide I had to be a man.

I’ve said it a hundred times before, if you’re trans you’ve always been trans. Even if you weren’t transitioning, even if you weren’t out, even if you didn’t KNOW. Nothing can just MAKE someone trans, just like nothing is going to make trans people suddenly cis.

Yes, it’s true, conversion therapy doesn’t work… for sexuality OR gender, and it’s because these are internal parts of WHO WE ARE, not choices we make. We can choose to transition or not, but we don’t choose to be trans.

Just because you didn’t KNOW I was a woman doesn’t mean I wasn’t one. I wasn’t dressing as a woman, I wasn’t experiencing the same discrimination as a woman, but I was ABSOLUTELY experiencing discrimination trying to be a gender non-conforming boy/man.

And when I say gender non-conforming there, I don’t mean in clothes or presentation. I tried. I tried so hard to be the dude society said I had to be. But I never ACTED like a dude. I never THOUGHT like a dude.

And when cis boys and men see another (perceived) cis boy or man not thinking or acting as they have been taught that men “should,” they will one hundred percent punish you for it, in a wide variety of ways. Cis gay men know this all too well.

So getting back to microaggressions, what the particular “welcome to being a woman” was implying was “oh, this is all new for you because you just became a woman,” which in a roundabout way denies the incredible struggle I went through.

It ignores that I’ve ALWAYS been a woman. It ignores the reality of my life. It implies I have APPROPRIATED womanhood that does not belong to me, rather than embraced the womanhood THAT WAS ALWAYS RIGHTFULLY MINE.

If it was one person who said it, not that big of a deal. You roll your eyes and move on. But that’s why microaggressions are the death of a thousand cuts, right? One cut isn’t a huge deal. But a thousand at once? Now you’ve got a serious problem.

So when a dozen cis women level that on you in the span of a month, especially right after coming out, you feel wounded and hurt and unwelcome and like you’ll never really belong or be accepted by cis women.

And after a lifetime of battling the pain and misery of dysphoria, to finally be on the journey to being who you always were inside, to have THAT dropped on you is extra horrible.

I’m well acquainted with how uncomfortable bras can sometimes be, and women’s bathroom lines, and misogyny. I HAVE BEEN A WOMAN MY WHOLE LIFE. Do not welcome me to the thing I’ve always been as if it was a choice I just made and not a lifetime of struggle.

If you need more on just how awful that can be, see the trans tuesday on GENDER DYSPHORIA.

Hopefully you’re now getting an idea of just how bad microaggressions can be, and how they add up to a big problem. Now imagine you’re not just getting the WELCOME TO BEING A WOMAN microaggression… but that and a dozen more.

Here’s some other common ones:

ACCIDENTAL MISGENDERING – we all slip up sometimes, but when it KEEPS happening from multiple people, that wound goes deep. See the trans tuesday on MISGENDERING AND PASSING.

ACCIDENTAL DEADNAMING – exactly like accidental misgendering, accidents happen and nobody is perfect. But a lot of them can add up to feeling like NO ONE sees you as the real you. See the trans tuesday on NAMES AND PRONOUNS.

YOU’RE A MAN NOW, ENJOY MALE PRIVILEGE! – trans men have ALWAYS been men, and they do NOT experience male privilege the same way cis men do.

YOU’RE A WOMAN NOW, HOW COULD YOU GIVE UP MALE PRIVILEGE? – trans women have ALWAYS been women, and do NOT experience male privilege the way cis men do.

HOW CAN YOU BE A MAN AND A WOMAN, OR NEITHER? – questions about “how” our very identities can be a thing that exists, and how that’s just so unfathomable to you, a cis person

ARE YOU GETTING “THE SURGERY” – do not ask us about our genitals, what is wrong with you, you entire gas station hot dog? Do you ask cis people about their genitals???

RECOILING IN HORROR WHEN YOU LEARN WHAT “THE SURGERY” IS – super great that life-saving medical care some trans people need grosses you out, thanks so much!

YOUR LIFE IS SO DIFFERENT FROM NORMAL PEOPLE – cis people aren’t “normal”! Please please please see the trans tuesday on CIS IS NOT A SLUR (aka there is no default human).

WHY MAKE LIFE SO HARD FOR YOURSELF? – good lord, tell me you have absolutely no idea how bad dysphoria is without telling me you have absolutely no idea how bad dysphoria is. Also! Y’know who makes existing as trans hard? CIS PEOPLE. Maybe talk to them about that.

CAN’T YOU JUST BE A LESBIAN OR A GAY MAN – y’know what, not all of us are gay! And don’t you think we WOULD spare ourselves a life of discrimination and difficulty if we COULD? Also! See the trans tuesday on SEXUALITY IS NOT GENDER.

WHEN DID YOU DECIDE YOU WERE TRANS? – when did you decide that you were cis? Or was that just something you intrinsically knew?

IF YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU WERE TRANS I’D NEVER HAVE KNOWN – what this is doing is saying “you look like a cis person, and that is good and desirable! If you ‘looked’ trans I would have already known and that would be bad for you.”

YOU’RE PRETTY FOR A TRANS PERSON – why, because being trans usually makes us ugly? C’mon now.

YOU DON’T NEED SURGERY/HRT, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL – it is not, Not, NOT about how YOU think we look or need to be. It’s about US and what we NEED to be our true selves.

YOU WERE SO PRETTY/HANDSOME BEFORE TRANSITION – it is not, Not, NOT about how YOU think we look or need to be! It’s about US and seeing OURSELVES in the mirror.

I’M NOT TRANSPHOBIC, I JUST THINK (REPEATS TRANSPHOBIC PROPAGANDA) – this one feels pretty self-explanatory!

WHAT’S YOUR “REAL” NAME – our REAL names are WHAT WE TELL YOU THEY ARE, regardless of what government documents may say. Asking this means you think what a government paper says is more important than our actual truth.

WHAT ARE YOUR “PREFERRED” PRONOUNS – there is no PREFERENCE for our pronouns. “What are your pronouns?” is the way to ask. Saying they’re a “preference” implies they’re not our real pronouns.

DANCING AROUND OUR PRONOUNS – rather than using our pronouns, you contort your sentences to just never use them, or overly use our name, or default to “they/them” for everyone (which is still misgendering people who use she/her and he/him). Just ask for our pronouns!

I HATE MY BODY TOO BUT I DON’T NEED SURGERY – body dysmorphia or a poor body image are big issues in our society, but THEY ARE NOT COMPARABLE TO BEING TRANS. Equating the two minimizes the pain of dysphoria.

I CAN’T IMAGINE WANTING TO CHANGE MY BODY IN SUCH DRASTIC WAYS – this others us, or implies surgeries we need are elective. Also, please see the trans tuesday on CIS PEOPLE GET GENDER AFFIRMING HEALTHCARE TOO.

I HATE MY PHOTOS TOO – not liking your photos is not the same thing as the pain they can cause trans people, and equating the two minimizes the pain of dysphoria. See the trans tuesday on PHOTOS AND REFLECTIONS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN – this is ignoring every single nonbinary person by default. Humans are more than just ladies and men! And when you open anything with this, you are instantly making nonbinary folks feel unwelcome. Use “friends.” or “fellow humans.” or “foolish mortals!”

THIS IS FOR ALL FEMALE-IDENTIFYING (OR MALE-IDENTIFYING) FOLKS – this one feels like it’s not so bad, right? The intent is clearly to make trans people feel like they are included.

But what it’s implying is that trans people self-identify as their gender, not ARE their gender. Because you don’t call just cis women FEMALE-IDENTIFYING, do you? This one is easy to fix though. Because did you know… “trans” isn’t a bad word?

You can just say “this event is for cis men and trans men,” or “trans and cis women welcome.” then you’re conveying the exact same information, but not implying that our genders aren’t real, or are somehow less than the gender of our cis counterparts.

This is not an all-inclusive list. There are many, many more ways microaggressions can happen. And again, almost all are unintentional. They usually come from a place of ignorance about what trans people go through, rather than a place of maliciousness.

But imagine what getting a dozen of these a day would do. Now imagine getting a dozen of these a day EVERY day, because for a lot of us we’re THE ONLY TRANS PERSON YOU KNOW (see the trans tuesday on that, too)

And then imagine on top of that all the other microaggressions someone might face for other marginalizations that they experience. The cumulative effect can hurt, destroy mental health, and make life miserable.

Hopefully, from the examples I provided, you will be able to spot OTHER things you might say without thinking that could harm someone. And listen, you don’t need to walk around eggshells around us or anything.

I’m just asking you to PLEASE think before you say something that might be horribly damaging to whoever you’re talking to. And if you slip up (it happens to all of us, we’re human), don’t underestimate how healing a genuine apology can be.

None of us are perfect. But we’ve all got to do the work to do as little harm to each other as possible. We’re all trying to get through this life together, and we’re all we’ve got.

Please always begin with compassion.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Cis Allyship Trans Life

INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week’s topic is important, is vital to trans people being seen and treated equally by society, and it’s as important for trans people to understand as it is cis people. Time to root out the darkness within as we combat INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA.

So this is kind of tough to talk about, and involves discussing ways we may not be kind to ourselves, or others, even if unintentionally. Please read the whole thing before getting angry about one part without the full context. This is important and we need to talk about it.

This topic is similar, though distinct, from the previous Trans Tuesday where we talked about IMPLICIT QUEERPHOBIA. You don’t HAVE to read that one first, but it certainly couldn’t hurt.

Internalized transphobia is similar to implicit transphobia. The key distinction, to me, is that implicit biases are toward every marginalized group, but *internalized* biases are toward marginalized groups that we ourselves are part of.

You know transphobia is the hatred of, fear of, discrimination toward trans people. Internalized or implicit transphobia is that exact same thing, but it’s the kind we each have inside of us (yes, ALL of us have it) that we may not be consciously aware of.

And we all have these subconscious biases toward every marginalized community, because that’s how our society works. I’m talking about internalized transphobia only for obvious reasons, but it’s there for every group that faces a vector of marginalization.

And that means this is related to TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY, so see the Trans Tuesday on that if you need more understanding on how we MUST fight every vector of discrimination at once if we ever hope to defeat it (and every marginalized community NEEDS us to).

Because we live within a society run by cisgender, heterosexual white men who established it with themselves at the top of the social hierarchy, simply existing within that system worms their biases into all of us.

My favorite way to illustrate this is to ask you to close your eyes and imagine a doctor. Okay, so… was that doctor an non-disabled cisgender white man? For a vast number of you, the answer is going to be yes.

Why didn’t you picture a woman? Or a Black person? Or a trans person? Or a disabled person? You didn’t consciously choose NOT to think of those people, your brain just excluded them on its own. Why? IMPLICIT BIAS.

Our society tells us those are the people most likely to be doctors, so that’s what we imagine without being consciously aware of it. And our society tells us that because those able-bodied cishet white men are the ones who set it up that way.

So INTERNALIZED BIASES come into play when you imagined that doctor and excluded your own identity from it. I still struggle with this. When I picture a doctor they’re often Black, or a woman, or even in a wheelchair, yes. But they’re almost never trans.

And I would never consciously CHOOSE to exclude trans people from being doctors! But my brain does it anyway, and while it sucks, NOTICING THAT YOU DO THIS IS ABSOLUTELY VITAL. Because you can’t fix what you don’t know is broken.

So we HAVE to do the work to find these implicit biases and work to root them out, we owe it to all our fellow humans. Here’s the best example of my own internalized transphobia that I can give you, and I’ve used it before.

Once I was finally publicly out as trans, I hesitated to call myself a lesbian, despite the fact that I’m exclusively attracted to women (and non-binary folks). I talked a bit about this in the Trans Tuesday on SEXUALITY IS NOT GENDER.

I don’t consciously hate trans people. In fact I consciously LOVE us. We’re amazing and insightful and free and amazing in all the best ways. And I did, and do, push back against ANYONE who says trans women can’t be lesbians. They absolutely CAN be. Many are.

But when applying that to myself? God, I just couldn’t do it and I didn’t know why. I felt like I wasn’t allowed, or couldn’t, or shouldn’t. But then I realized the only people who shared that view… were bigoted TE*Fs.

If you missed the Trans Tuesday on T*RFs or aren’t familiar with the term, you may want to check that out. Spoiler: they’re awful!

And so that gave me pause. They hate trans people, and I don’t. So why the hell would my thoughts, directed at myself, line up with theirs? That’s horrible!

What I realized is that society tells us lesbians are cis women… who are often just fetishized/sexualized by cis men. Which is something we trans women actually share with every cis lesbian. See the Trans Tuesday on the FETISHIZATION OF TRANS WOMEN.

Because I was raised in this society, its unwritten, bigoted “rules” get imprinted on me. Not even necessarily on purpose (though some parents sadly do raise their children to hate), but because I just existed within it.

The vast majority of our media, our stories, our culture, has these same biases, and so by experiencing all of that for our entire lives, we absorb it without realizing it. And while overcoming that to stand up for the rights of other trans women was easy…

…when applied to myself it was so, so much harder to realize, much less overcome. I AM a woman, I AM attracted to women, thus I AM a lesbian. Because trans is just another kind of woman you can be.

Disabled women can be lesbians. Black women can be lesbians. Senior women can be lesbians. ANY kind of woman can be a lesbian, and trans is just one kind of woman. Therefore, yes, I’m a lesbian. A trans lesbian. A transbian, if you will (there are actually a lot of us).

I also had the same issue with calling myself a “mom” for a long time, because what does society tell you moms are? People who give birth to children. And I didn’t do that, and our kid HAD a mom in Susan, so how could *I* possibly be a mom?

But of course people can adopt kids and be a mom, or use surrogates or egg donors. And I’d never say those women WEREN’T mothers. But when it came to me… it’s calling myself a “lesbian” all over again. There’s a whole lot more about being a trans parent coming next week.

For cis people, combating your implicit transphobia means examining where your implicit biases against us lie, and working to change them. You must see us as women, men, and non-binary people who are entirely equal to cis folks.

You have to start seeing us as doctors, librarians, astronauts, truck drivers, retail clerks, baristas, lawyers, firefighters, writers, actors, musicians, artists, and everything else under the sun. You have to fight the stereotypes you find yourself leaning toward.

Here’s a good thought experiment, cis friends. Would you go to a trans rally and march with us? (we continually ask, but few ever do). Further… would you, in your everyday life, wear a pin or shirt or carry a bag etc. with the trans pride flag on it to show your support for us?

Does that scare you? Does it make you worry that people who saw you might think YOU were trans, and that thought terrifies or repulses or angers you? That’s some transphobia, friends.

But for trans people, as it’s internalized and about ourselves, it’s much more insidious and can be lurking in all kinds of ways. Here’s some possibilities I just want you to think about, and if you find some that apply to you, try to figure out WHY that is.

Do you feel you’re different from other trans people, or like you don’t belong or aren’t part of the community, or aren’t trans enough? See the Trans Tuesday on THIS IS NOT FOR YOU (Trans Day of Visibility and yes you are trans enough) to help combat this.

Are you ashamed to be trans, or does it make you feel like there’s something wrong with you, and like you shouldn’t be this way and you just want to be “normal”? Do you resent being trans, or feel like it’s some kind of punishment?

Do you wish you weren’t trans? Are you embarrassed to say you’re trans? Would you be embarrassed to be recognized as trans?

Do you feel like (outside of safety reasons) you HAVE to pass as cis to be accepted? Do you feel like you have to conform to gender stereotypes if you want to be accepted? Do you feel like you can’t (or don’t want to) “look trans,” for whatever that means to you?

This isn’t all the different ways a trans person might have internalized transphobia, but these are some big ones. And look, there are all kinds of different reasons someone may feel that way, and I’m gonna be honest, I had to deal with some of those myself.

For a long time before I accepted my transness, I would think (and sometimes even say!) things like “if I could look like that (cis) woman, I’d transition right now.” Ha ha, just kidding.

Uh, hey eggs? Cis guys don’t say that. Okay, good talk.

But feeling like you can’t transition unless you can appear cis and no one would ever know is one hundred percent internalized transphobia. Society has told you men and women look EXACTLY one way, and we all know cis folks who don’t conform to that are punished for it.

A trans person appearing to be cis is “passing,” and a trans person who passes and lives without telling anyone they’re trans is “stealth.” There’s a Trans Tuesday on MISGENDERING AND PASSING if you’d like more info.

The bottom line is that passing is a complicated and complex issue, and we should not judge those that do (or want to) pass, OR judge those who don’t (or don’t want to) pass.

In short and always applicable: less judging, more understanding and compassion.

Some people may feel they can’t “look trans,” for example, for safety reasons. AND THAT IS ALSO TOTALLY VALID, because our society is violently anti-trans. But I want you to realize that even though it’s valid to feel like you can’t “look trans” in order to be safer…

That’s STILL internalized transphobia, because society has told you “looking like you’re trans” makes you a target, and now it’s in your head and you believe looking like what you are is bad or dangerous. And if that’s not transphobia, what the hell is?

For more on internalized transphobia, see my threads on THE INTENTIONAL TRANS ALLEGORY OF THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS as it’s one of the key themes the movie tackles.

IMPORTANT SIDEBAR that those original essays got me a book deal and it’s out now! 🥳 You should definitely read it because it’s great!

What it all boils down to is that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING TRANS IN ANY WAY, which I feel like everyone reading this far already knows and accepts on a conscious level. But our society spends a lot of time, money, and effort to make us think the opposite subconsciously.

We HAVE to do the work to root out implicit biases, because everyone deserves better.

And we HAVE to do the work to root out our internalized biases, because WE deserve better, too.

And you deserve to love yourself.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Cis Allyship

STOP STARING AT US (trans people are human beings)

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week’s topic is one I should never have needed to write, yet here we are. This keeps being a problem so we’re gonna talk about it. Cis friends, please pay attention to STOP STARING AT US (trans people are human beings)

Hi cis friends! Y’know how in these essays I link to other relevant, related essays for more info? That’s gonna happen a LOT in this one. And they’re all for YOU. It’s homework! Please do the reading.

To start with, I want you to know staring actually happens to trans people.

A social media post I made that reads: Got gawked at by THREE different people on today’s run. Yes, I am trans, you need not stare at me to confirm it. We exist and we’re humans too, stop being so fucking rude. (flat mouth emoji)

It really, truly happens.

A social media post I made that reads: “The Uncomfortable Cis” is a great band name and also what I call the people who continue to stare at me in public

It isn’t some imagined slight.

A social media post I made that reads: Running errands this morning and FOUR different people gawked at me. One guy in a suit jacket and diamond stud earrings went so far as to lock his bulging eyes with mine, turn, and keep staring while he ~walked backward.~ I just want to buy groceries! Could. You. Please. Not??

It’s sadly not even something that is rare.

A social media post I made that reads: reminder that if you see somebody and can’t discern their gender it’s none of your damned business, don’t stare at them like a carnival sideshow. This message brought to you by the cis dude who just stared at me like I’m a carnival sideshow, mouth hanging open and everything (unhappy side-eye emoji)

And, frankly, it’s gotten beyond tiresome. And happens even at entertainment industry events full of other screenwriters.

A social media post I made that reads: hey cis friends, c’mere a sec. Did you know that the appropriate response to seeing a trans person in public, say… at a mixer for a guild you’re both members of, is not to do a double take and stare like their presence is an affront to you? Ok thanks good talk.

There was one time Costco where this old man locked on me with his eyes, featuring a facial expression of bewilderment with just a soupçon of disgust, and stared so hard that he turned around to KEEP STARING AT ME BEHIND HIM as he walked on.

So I stared right back. It’s not every day I see blatant displays of assholery, after all. Though actually it is, sadly, because certain figures in current events have made some people think it’s perfectly fine to treat people this way if they’re different from you.

It’s so prevalent, you see it even in THE TRANS ALLEGORY OF THE BARBIE MOVIE.

You see it in THE TRANS ALLEGORY OF SILO SEASON ONE.

You even see in my favorite book in the universe, WRATH GODDESS SING, which is a beautiful, incredible, trans novel by author Maya Deane.

I think a lot of cis people maybe don’t understand the big deal. I want to clarify that stuff like this mostly rolls right off my back. I might have a “why does the world have to be like this” vibe about it for five minutes or so, but it’s not going to ruin my day.

But that’s certainly not true for all trans or non-binary people. Part of the reason it doesn’t bother me much is I have an amazingly accepting home life. I live in a state that respects me, with laws that reflect that. I didn’t lose anyone at ALL from my life when I came out.

You can read more about that in the trans tuesday on MY PRIVILEGE (TIME AND MONEY).

And I talked more about my own privilege in the trans tuesday on THE ONLY TRANS PERSON YOU KNOW.

Spare a moment to remember how often trans people, especially trans women, especially trans women of color, are victims of violence due to the crime of existing. Think of the trans people in states with laws that are openly hostile toward them. For more on that see the trans tuesday on TRANS INTERSECTIONALITY.

Think of the trans people in dangerous or downright violent home environments. Think of the trans people who’ve lost their jobs or homes after coming out. Think of the trans people for whom ALL of the above apply. And for more on that, see the trans tuesdays on THE 2022 US TRANS SURVEY REPORT EARLY INSIGHTS.

And on top of all that we have societal transphobia, and on top of that we have multiple TRANS MICROAGGRESSIONS, often on a daily basis.

Now think about adding cis people staring at us, like we’re some curiosity to be gawked at, on top of all that other stuff, and how that might feel. I just… look, I don’t get it.

WHY would you do this? Oh, you can’t figure out my gender at first glance? Well SO WHAT? What business is it of yours what gender someone else is? Go about your life and stop making us feel like shit. This is, invariably, tied up in MISGENDERING AND PASSING.

Because we shouldn’t HAVE to pass, I don’t even WANT TO, but if I did I sure wouldn’t get stared at like a freak by so many cis people I encounter.

The part that gets me is the sheer LENGTHS we often go to just to make cis people comfortable. It’s going to vary for every trans person how much, if any, of what we do is to make cis people feel better, so this is a reminder that I’m speaking personally here.

I’ve talked about how much REAL CIS ACCEPTANCE can help us feel like who we are.

I’ve talked about CIS PRIVILEGE how much we need YOU to put this bathroom ban bullshit to rest.

I’ve talked about all the time and money I put into trying to make my body feel like it’s mine, at least part of which is also about getting YOU to recognize me as the gender I am (again, see the previously linked trans tuesday on the topic).

I’ve talked about how YOUR BAD REPRESENTATION of us can be so harmful and damaging.

I’ve talked about how YOUR GOOD REPRESENTATION of us can mean so much more than you might ever realize.

I’ve talked about how the TERFs among YOU are waging war against us based on nothing but misguided fear.

I’ve talked about TRANS POLITICS and how important it is that YOU vote for the CIS PEOPLE who will make laws that respect us as our literal lives are on the line.

I’ve talked about the extreme lengths I go to in order to get rid of the BODY HAIR that plagues me, at least part of which is to get YOU to recognize me as the gender I am.

I’ve talked about how THE FALSE DICHOTOMY in society that YOU set up can be so damaging to ALL of us.

I’ve talked about HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE, and having to replace my entire wardrobe, at least part of which is to get YOU to recognize me as the gender I am.

I’ve talked about TRANS KIDS AND THE INTAKE EXAM and having to convince YOU that I am who I say I am, and how trans kids need YOU to protect them.

I’ve talked in TRANS SPORTS about how YOU have to ~allow~ us to compete as ourselves in sports.

I’ve talked about TRANS REPRESENTATION IN MEDIA 2023 and how YOU have to ~allow~ us to exist in our popular media.

I’ve talked about TRANS ROLES AND STORIES and how YOU have to ~allow~ us to portray ourselves in media, and ~allow~ us to tell our own stories.

I’ve talked about how important it is that YOU understand how important TRANS RIGHTS are.

I’ve talked, AGAIN, in TRANS RIGHTS 2 (aka 35 fucks) HOW IMPORTANT IT IS THAT YOU UNDERSTAND WE DESERVE EQUAL RIGHTS.

I’ve talked in TRANS VOICES about the monumental efforts I put into voice therapy, at least part of which is to get YOU to recognize me as the gender I am.

I’ve talked about the hoops YOU make us jump through to LEGALLY CHANGE OUR NAME AND GENDER so we can exist as who we really are.

I’ve talked about TUCKING AND BINDING, and that the main reason I do it is to get YOU to recognize me as the gender I am, and to keep myself safe from YOU.

I talked in BOYMODE/GIRLMODE about how we often have to hide ourselves so that YOU won’t know we’re trans and will leave us alone, and how I did it to keep myself safe from YOU.

Okay, that was… a LOT. And I’m not sure until looking at it all written out like that I realized the sheer magnitude of the ways cis people impact nearly every facet of trans life.

Are you getting the picture? Yes yes, “not all cis people,” of course. And yet the fact remains WE DO MOUNTAINS OF WORK for ALL of YOU, just to try to make YOU feel okay enough to agree to let us be who we are and live our lives in peace.

Let’s go back to the top of the essay, and my social media posts about people staring at me. It happens all the time. Everywhere.

It happened yet another time at Costco. A lady in front of Susan and me in line was just soooooooo fascinated by my existence. Apparently. Susan stared at her right back, and I think she’d have thrown hands if the lady didn’t cut it out. Again, cis folks, that is PROACTIVE ALLYSHIP, aka being an accomplice.

Early on in transition, I’d even wear an EXTRA pair of running shorts under my running shorts, because… I don’t think running and tucking would be a good combo. I was worried YOU might see crotch junk under my shorts, so I bought an extra pair of tight spandex to flatten the area out. And had to wear boy underwear to do it. You can read more about the joy of being able to stop that in the trans tuesday on TRANS FREEDOM (and underwear).

And. I’d. Still. Get. Stared. At. Like. A. Sideshow.

On my runs, an old man I used to often see out for a walk, for years, saw my nail polish one day and turned to stare as I went by, having never paid attention to me before.

A woman tying her small child’s shoe in the front yard looked up at me as I went by. I waved. She stopped moving entirely, just stared at me the entire time I ran past her house.

One time I saw another lady running. Aha, I will do the runner-solidarity wave. Look at us, out here running! Surely she would just wave! Or nod! Or ignore me! She turned to stare. While she kept running down the street. In the opposite direction. With her eyes on ME.

So when I think about alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll I do just to get YOU to not stare at me, to not misgender me, to not deadname me, and this kind of stuff still happens… well it’s not great, friends. And it could be really damaging to people in much worse situations than me.

Don’t do it. JUST DON’T. Our gender doesn’t matter to you or your life one iota. If you see a cis person doing this, be an accomplice! CALL THEM OUT ON IT and tell them to knock it the hell off.

We can’t make our world more accepting without YOU, cis folks. You’re the bulk of society, and we trans people aren’t out here making things worse for ourselves.

I have to believe society can change, because the alternative is far too depressing.

Please be the true accomplice you want to be. Be the accomplice we NEED you to be.

Hopefully you’ve realized by now that we can’t do it without you.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Cis Allyship Trans 101

TRANS PANIC

Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today’s topic wasn’t one I ever thought I’d do, because I thought it was something everyone was aware of. Turns out: no. Every time it comes up people are surprised and horrified. So let me tell you about TRANS PANIC.

I wish this were something cute like every time I wanted pizza but my favorite pizza place was closed and it upset me. Even “I don’t know if I’ll be able to refill my HRT,” while actually a serious issue, would be a much less sinister description.

Because trans panic, you see, is a (valid and accepted) legal defense people can use in cases of murder, manslaughter, and assault. It generally goes thusly: I thought she was a cis woman but we went to have sex and I saw a penis and I snapped.

Or “this person flirted with me and I found out they were trans and so I panicked and killed them.” You know, normal, healthy stuff.

In the VAST MAJORITY of the United States, this is LEGAL. It is an accepted reason you can use to defend your actions in a court of law.

It’s akin to GAY PANIC, which you’ve probably correctly surmised is the exact same thing but only for gay folks. Also still legal in many places!

So cisgender straight folks out there, stop for a second and think about what that means. Think about how it would make you feel, not just in and of itself, but as LAW supported by the GOVERNMENT.

“I was flirting with this nice lady but I found out she was cisgender so I snapped and killed her. You can’t blame me for that!” And the all-transgender government says, huh, yeah, MAKES SENSE.

How does that make you feel? Do you want to curl up into a ball and hide? Almost like maybe that’s the intent? How about that.

Liiiiiike do you understand the world we’re living in here? Can you imagine what it’s like to be so hated by cisgender people, who control everything and make all the laws, that they say it’s fine if people kill us because the very nature of our existence so upset them?

Let’s get one thing straight: the law is wrong and fucking awful. But if you think transphobes are going to stick to only using it in “sexual situations,” I think our last president has an “infrastructure week” to sell you.

It’s a short hop from “sexual situations” to “flirting” to “she looked at me wrong.” Our entire history shows you the way shit like that has been warped and weaponized against minority populations. To think this time is any different is ludicrous.

There’s a case where a cis man was flirting with women he didn’t know were trans. His friends mocked him for not knowing, and when he later flirted (or maybe just talked?) with another woman he found out was trans… he killed her. Just up and ended her life.

That guy CONFESSED and it still took TWO YEARS to even charge him. He took a plea down to manslaughter, the jury did not consider it a hate crime (?!?) and he was sentenced to twelve whole years. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

The New York Times has an account of this story that’s brutal. I’m not going to link to it because the description of what this disgusting piece of shit man inflicted upon Islan Nettles is… beyond awful. Nobody needs that dropped into their lap without warning.

Note there was no sex! Likely not even any actual flirting (which to be clear would in no way excuse it or make it less awful). It was a brief exchange on a street, and a cis man decided it was time for a trans woman to die. And this was a valid defense in 2015 New York.

Sit with that for a fucking moment.

My beloved California was the first state to ever ban this absolute nonsense, and it still didn’t even happen until TWO THOUSAND FUCKING FOURTEEN.

Which seems unconscionable, yet pales in comparison to all the places in this country where trans panic is STILL ALLOWED as a legal defense. Again, it’s the vast majority of the country.

I’m terrified to travel to any of the states that haven’t banned the trans panic defense. But you know what’s worse? TRANS PEOPLE LIVE IN THOSE STATES. And I’m so, so scared for them and their safety. I’m angry. I’m fucking repulsed. How can anyone justify this?

CONTACT YOUR REPS AND DEMAND THEY BAN IT. ONLY CIS PEOPLE CAN MAKE THIS CHANGE HAPPEN.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

Cis Allyship Trans Life

NO ESCAPE 2: SOME ESCAPE (due to cis allyship)

Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today was going to be a one year retrospective, but something happened that I really want to talk about, so I’m pushing that to next week. So what’s on deck for today? NO ESCAPE 2: SOME ESCAPE aka CIS ALLYSHIP.

As a primer, have a look at my original NO ESCAPE essay, about how my deadname and reminders that I’m trans are things I can never get away from:

And just as evidence about how difficult some of this is, I’m in the middle of having a background check done, and I got stuck on the very first page of the form. Because it says to put my legal name… which is Tilly.

But I also have to check a box that says “this is the name that appears on my government issued ID”… which it is not, yet, and who knows when the process will finally get to that point, since covid has slowed everything to a crawl. For more on that see LEGAL NAME AND GENDER MARKER CHANGE.

I contact customer support about the problem, and they advise me to… put my legal last name on the form. But my last name hasn’t changed, they just assumed because I guess that changes most often due to marriage?

So I have to tell them no, it’s my first name that’s changed, and they ask the old name, and now I’m discussing being trans with a stranger and I’d really rather not have to do that, but I’m forced into it and hey that’s kind of bad.

And now I have to put my deadname on this form, which doesn’t match the name of the person the form was sent to, and it’s just a whole thing. And even better, they want to know my sex. WHICH HAS LEGALLY BEEN CHANGED.

But not on my ID yet. And it, y’know, makes me feel not great to have to put that name on things, much less see it again. Or have to sign it in a signature. It’s super awful, actually. It makes me want to curl into a ball and hide but also scream in anger at the top of my lungs.

And this hit me in a much bigger way just yesterday. I had to go in for a colonoscopy, which may seem totally out of left field but gimme a sec, it’ll make sense. I’m fine, don’t worry, there’s just family history so they’ve been checking early.

Since the procedure was scheduled, I’ve been… increasingly worried and anxious about it, to the point where it was all I could think about. And it’s not just because the prep for it is absolutely awful (it is), or that I hate going under anesthesia (I do).

It’s because I’m still in the middle of getting new documents with my legal name/gender change reflected. And so all of that info hasn’t been changed with our health insurance and doctors. And the thought of being deadnamed and misgendered throughout was too much to deal with.

EVEN THOUGH they’re the ones providing my transgender care (HRT and voice therapy) and it’s right in my file that I’m trans, I STILL get deadnamed and misgendered by people who don’t bother to look at all the info (or worse, don’t care).

I briefly consider going boymode, just to not have to deal with all this, but the thought of boymoding again makes me want to shrivel, so I rule it out pretty quickly. Check out the trans tuesday on BOYMODE/GIRLMODE if you need more info.

But then they had a cancellation so called me to see if I could come in early, and I guess they’re not aware of what their own department is doing because two different people called me, and one used my real name and one used my deadname.

Which of course filled me with even more dread. So I get there and check in, and they print the little ID bracelet thing you get when you go in for procedures, and… it just has DEADNAME MCGEE in big bold print. Not even the “Tilly” in quotes. Super.

And then they immediately call me in, and I hadn’t even taken off my necklace or wedding ring etc yet. So I’m handing all this stuff to Susan when it hits me they… CALLED OUT DEADNAME MCGEE.

Nice and loud for everyone in the waiting room to hear, and then they see me walking up. When I tell you my heart was already in my feet, well… more like under them. It was crushed. And then I have to make a decision.

Do I correct this lady? Is there a point? Am I even going to see her again during this procedure? Will she tell anyone else? What if she’s a bigot? What if she doesn’t care? What if she’s hostile about it?

And then I have to do that with EVERY person I interact with during the procedure? Do you have any idea how much mental and emotional energy that many possible awful confrontations in a row would take? I wanted to run and hide.

So I just said nothing. She has my chart, which says DEADNAME MCGEE “Tilly” Bridges. It says I’m trans. I have… boobs? And everything about me is visually coded female, other than the physical traits I can’t change (thanks to the fuckin’ male puberty I never asked for).

She takes me to the little alcove where the rolly bed is and tells me to change and put the gown on, pulls the curtain closed and leaves. Great. So I change, and I’m laying there in the bed being miserable. And then a guy comes in to ask me a bunch of questions.

Routine stuff, like when I last ate, did I drink all the prep stuff, etc. He pops his head in, sees me and says “hi ma’am!” What a relief! (I still think we should get away from gendered honorifics, tho). But then he looks at my chart.

And says, “Sorry. Sir.” No. NO DAMN IT. FUCK. Now I’m extra pissed. Do I want to get into it with THIS guy? And then the exact same situation comes up:

Do I correct this guy? Is there a point? Am I even going to see him again during this procedure? Will he tell anyone else? What if he’s a bigot? What if he doesn’t care? What if he’s hostile about it?

So I stew in silence and answer his questions. He runs down my list of medications to ask if I’m still taking them. A slight hesitation when he gets to my HRT, which is very clearly estrogen. Then he asks and I confirm and he doesn’t seem to know what to call me.

Never once did he ASK. Never once did he say “I see you go by ‘Tilly,” would you like me to call you that?” Nope, it was “SIR” and “DEADNAME MCGEE” all the way through, until he saw my chart and got confused.

Never mind I’m a living, breathing person sitting two feet away from him who could confirm if he’d bothered to ask. Fine, whatever. While he’s doing this, a lady comes in to put in my IV. She calls me nothing and uses no honorifics, and none of it was weird or impolite.

That is literally always an option, people! Another dude comes in to put a blood pressure cuff on, and some electrodes on my chest to monitor heart rate and such. Two go up high, no big deal. One has to go lower. He pulls out the gown…

Hey. Boobs. Another bit of confused hesitation. What should he do? He apologizes (?) and then attaches the thingy and off he goes.

It’s possible they only put DEADNAME MCGEE on whatever this guy saw before he came in, so not necessarily his fault, but… LOOK MAN I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

Now I’m just there waiting for my turn to go into the procedure room. It’s quiet, but only in the way these places are. So I listen and watch, because I’m a writer and that’s what I do.

And I hear them talking to other patients, one person is VERY upset they can’t have alcohol the rest of the day after the procedure, phones are ringing, beds are being wheeled around. And then I see First Confused Dude and IV Lady looking at their whiteboards of patients.

And I can’t hear all of what they’re saying because another bed wheels by, but they’re pointing at the bottom of the board, which is me. Just as the clanking of the bed fades from earshot, IV lady says “just use ‘Constellations’. Thank goodness for the mask.”

This is where I tell you my mask has constellations on it (yay science, I love you).

So here is a point where two people are just SO confused by a trans person, and rather than talk to me like a human or just use the preferred name listed right in my file, they decide to refer to me by what’s on my mask.

Which is both good and bad. Good because it means no more misgendering or deadnaming, but bad because I’m not a fucking object. I’m a person with feelings that you’ve been pretty good at stomping all over.

So now I’m just feeling extra awful and dehumanized. And I’m getting really mad, and all of this is on top of my anxiety about the actual procedure itself, and I just don’t know what to do. Like if I DO get into it with these people…

What if they’re part of the team doing the actual procedure? Do I have to worry about them providing me less care than I deserve because they’re mad at me? Or because it turns out they’re actual bigots and not just The Uncomfortable Cis?

I don’t reach a decision before they take me into the procedure room, which is unfriendly and cold and sterile in the way those rooms are, which doesn’t help my mood any. There are a few people prepping things, and the anesthesiologist at his own little station.

He talks to me a bit, seems friendly enough and doesn’t deadname or misgender me. Doesn’t really call me anything. I’ll take it. Small victories. In the corner of the room, working on a computer and her phone at the same time, is a lady.

Hard to tell with masks, but she’s probably late 20s or so. As they’re prepping me, she comes over and introduces herself as the gastroenterologist who will be performing the procedure. And she… she calls me Tilly. The FIRST one to do so.

She’s kind and friendly and reassures me all will be fine, and as they administer the anesthesia, someone asks her a question about me and says “him.” The doctor uses “she” in reply. As I drift out of consciousness I am… so glad this doctor is there.

The anesthesia wears off a little before the procedure is over, a first for me (and, uh… that’s an interesting… let’s call it “sensation”). I hear the doctor say “She’s all clear, good for another five years.”

And when I tell you hearing the “she” from her was just as important to me as hearing everything looked fine and I don’t have to do this again for a long time? That’s not hyperbole.

They wheel me to recovery to let the rest of the anesthesia wear off, but I’m completely awake and alert already (which means, uh, for past procedures I was perhaps given WAY too much anesthesia, because they took me all day to recover from).

That doesn’t help me be less anxious about having to go under, as you might imagine! But here’s the turn. After the procedure:

NOBODY misgendered me. NOBODY deadnamed me. As they checked my vitals and prepped me to leave and called Susan to be sure she was there to drive me home (no driving after anesthesia, natch), ALL of them got it right.

Because that doctor, apparently, straightened out everyone who needed to be straightened out. And when I tell you that makes her an angel, I mean it.

She didn’t put it on me to have to tell people they were fucking things up and have me risk that confrontation. She didn’t stand for it, and she got them to stop. THIS IS CIS ALLYSHIP.

She took what had been a pretty awful experience and turned it around, into something that ended up feeling positive and affirming. And all it took was for her to just treat me with the respect we should all show each other.

She turned NO ESCAPE into… SOME ESCAPE, ACTUALLY! And I love her for it.

What’s more, she got things changed in the system somehow. You get these follow-up printouts afterward, with notes on what to expect after, what your vitals were, etc. This stuff always said DEADNAME MCGEE “Tilly” Bridges. But now…

My legal name HAS changed, but they don’t have the documents yet. Yet this doctor went out of her way to do what she could to help. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go send her a thousand thank you emails.

Please, cis folks: be the allies we need.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

ADDENDUM:

UPDATE: the doctor wrote me back. 💜💜💜

If you have questions, please reach out. And if you've found any of these essays helpful, please share them with others. The more eyes they reach, the better people will understand.

If you're interested in the fiction I write as a team with my wife, covering screenwriting, television, animation, comics, scripted podcast audio dramas, and table-top role-playing games, check out: birdguest.com

We were also sensitivity consultants on season two of Star Trek Prodigy, and would be happy to consult on trans issues on your project. Get in touch!

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