Cis Allyship

PROACTIVE ALLYSHIP (be an accomplice)

Welcome to #TransTuesday! I’m always talking about how important cis allyship is (because it’s true and I’m right and very smart). And today I’m gonna show you how to be a champion accomplice with PROACTIVE ALLYSHIP aka BE AN ACCOMPLICE (and also the WGA strike!)

Let’s start with an allyship framework, because everyone is new to these (or being an ally) at some point, and I wrote these so you’d read them! Let’s start with the ways it can go wrong, with things like PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP.

And then see how things can get much, much worse with PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP 2: FALSE ALLYSHIP where people who think they’re allies are actually part of the problem and perpetuate and condone transphobia.

For an example of getting things right, check out WHAT REAL CIS ACCEPTANCE LOOKS LIKE.

And for an example of how even the smallest, most basic act of allyship can turn a miserable situation entirely around, see NO ESCAPE 2: SOME ESCAPE (due to cis allyship).

So what am I talking about when I say Proactive Allyship? I’m talking about being such an ally that you are actively trying to help us, and know when something is (or could be) transphobic and taking steps to fix it.

Okay so where we’re going now is gonna seem out of the blue, but it’s absolutely one of the best and purest examples of this that I can give you so stick with me. I wouldn’t lead you astray! (unless there was pizza involved, but here I am pizza-less and so)

As you’ve likely heard, the Writers Guild of America, and later, the actors’ union SAG-AFTRA, have been striking due to egregiously poor pay and residuals which are killing the possibility that people can make an actual career as television writers and screenwriters.

I’m not going to get into all the details here, but the point is these strikes are entirely justified and important. And I’ve been out there on the picket line as often as I can be. You have, perhaps, seen photos of me out there!

Me at a WGA picket with a sign that says “how I miss the click-clack of my keyboard”

Me at a WGA picket with a sign that says “he was more than a hero, he was a union man.” – Chief O’Brien

Me at a WGA picket with a sign that says “this is my strike sign. There are many like it, but this one is *mine*”

Me at a WGA picket with my custom sign that says “transphobia is bad enough, I don’t need this shit too” (with a frowny face)

And I’ve been out there with friends, met new and wonderful people, and though it sucks to have to strike, the camaraderie and communal joy from solidarity on the picket lines is EXTRAORDINARY.

Me and Pepper Reed out on the picket line

Me and Liz Thurmond out on the picket line, as photographed by J. W. Hendricks

I got to meet Blu del Barrio and tell them how much they and Adira on Star Trek Discovery have meant to me as Star Trek’s first non-cis, nonbinary character.

Me and Blu del Barrio on the picket line at Paramount on Star Trek day

My brother and brother-in-law even came out to picket with me!

Me, my brother-in-law Ethan, and my brother Josh on the picket line at Universal

There have even been photographers out there documenting the strike that have gotten fab shots of me!

A black and white photo of me picketing at Netflix taken by J.W. Hendricks

A color photo of me picketing at Universal taken by Patrick Malone

I’ve run into J.W. Hendricks a lot, he’s a writer and photographer who’s been documenting the strike with truly amazing photos. And we’ve talked and became friends, and he even came to my reading and signing at Book Soup… and took photos!

A black and white photo by J.W. Hendricks of me talking with people and signing books after my reading at Book Soup

A black and white photo by J.W. Hendricks of me doing my reading at Book Soup

If you somehow missed me never shutting up about it, btw, this was for my book BEGIN TRANSMISSION: THE TRANS ALLEGORIES OF THE MATRIX which began as trans tuesday essays and is out now everywhere books are sold in hardcover, paperback, and digital!

“Tilly why are you showing us all of this!” I hear you scream. Listen, I’m not gonna steer you wrong, okay? I want you to understand how universally warm, welcoming, and wonderful the WGA picket lines have been, and all the good that’s come from it even before the new contract.

One thing you might not know about the WGA strike is that often there are themed pickets, to add a little fun and help keep morale up as we walk just so many miles and fight to be able to make a living from the thing we do that makes studios billions and billions of dollars.

I’ve been to the Trans Takeover of Netflix, Star Trek day at Paramount, Genre Queens 2 at Fox, 80s day at Universal, and more. But plenty of days are just plain old picketing, with no costumes or events (though sometimes kind people donate food trucks or pizzas or coffee).

One of the biggest events I attended was the Pride picket at WB. It was in early June, and it was beautiful and absolutely PACKED and incredibly queer and welcoming and wonderful. I’m so glad I got to be part of it. And when I was there, I saw this sign:

A WGA picket sign that says “My pronouns are: pay/me”

If you’re out there groaning because pronoun jokes are the hackiest, least funny, terribly transphobic jokes out there, listen, I am with you. I talked about that a lot in the trans tuesday on TRANS REP IN MEDIA IN 2022 (in movies/tv).

And if you’re legit confused about why pronoun jokes are a problem, bigots use them to cheapen and discredit the idea that pronouns have any importance and are about respecting someone for who they really are. They’re super bad, actually! (and the laziest jokes ever)

HOWEVER, I want you to consider the context. This sign was made and carried by a queer person. While there’s a chance it was a cis queer person who fell into the hacky transphobic joke trap, it seemed much more likely to me it was done as a reclaiming by a trans person.

In the latter context, it’s fine. There’s actually no problem with it. Marginalized people reclaiming things used to hurt us is a powerful thing. I talked a bit about that in the trans tuesday on CIS IS NOT A SLUR.

But if you’re not a writer out there striking, you also might not know in most instances the writer holding the sign probably did not write it. I could actually never find a blank sign, which is why my transphobia sign before was made on posterboard and attached with magnets.

At the end of each strike day, the signs are collected and stored and then redistributed the next day. Signs go back into the pile and make it around to different lots and locations and get carried by lots of different people. The Chief O’Brien sign above was made by my friend Aaron Waltke!

He made it for Star Trek day at Paramount, and I found it a week or two later when I was picketing at Disney. That’s just how it goes. I’ve seen tons of people not even look at what sign they’re grabbing, while others are very choosy about it.

So when the “my pronouns are pay/me” sign got tossed back into the stack, it made its way around and has since been carried by other people at other locations, completely devoid of its likely context of reclamation by its trans creator.

And I’ve heard other writers talking about that sign specifically, and how weird it was to see out there. Because you don’t know if the person carrying it is just a horrible transphobe. In fact, if you weren’t at the Pride picket, you might think whoever is carrying it made it.

And if that’s a cis person, you’re gonna throw them all the side-eye in the world if you’re an ally worth two grains of salt.

So a few weeks back, my friend Jamey Perry (who I only know from social media and have not yet gotten to meet in person) sent me a DM… about that very sign. She is cis! But she wondered if that sign might be a problem and if something should be done.

She’d seen it in with the other signs and knew it was in rotation with all the others, and she asked my advice about what, if anything, to do about it.

And I told her that if it was a trans person who made it/was carrying it, it’s fine and in fact could be pretty powerful. But as it’s so often NOT carried by a trans person or the person who made it, it was likely a problem.

Especially given that it’s been taken by people entirely unrelated to the strike and used to make terrible merch (that doesn’t even support the people striking! Don’t buy this crap, it’s transphobic AND doesn’t help ANYONE but opportunistic jerks)

A mug with a writers guild on strike sign on it that says “my pronouns are pay/me”

A t-shirt with a writers guild on strike sign on it that says “my pronouns are pay/me”

It’s also shown up on many sites in “best signs of the WGA strike!” articles and listicles and absolutely none of them are talking about it being a problem. Which at that point means it’s just perpetuating bad transphobic jokes and nothing more.

When I see a cis person carrying that sign, I don’t know if they just didn’t even look at it, or if they specifically chose it BECAUSE they’re transphobic. And it might lead someone to believe that whoever was carrying it (who might in fact be a great ally) was a bigot.

But much worse, in my opinion, was any trans person who hadn’t seen it before and didn’t know the context of its creation, appearing at a picket and seeing that sign for the very first time. If that were me, I’d instantly feel like I (and all trans people) were not welcome.

Which could lead to feeling like trans people weren’t welcome in the WGA, or anywhere in the industry, and that’s already sadly far too often the case. We face so many barriers to getting hired, especially trans writers.

We get told “this isn’t a trans show” as if that’s all we can write. Or “we have a trans writer” as if we’re all interchangeable and you can’t have two. Or “we don’t have any trans characters” as if we can’t write cis characters too (and also why DON’T you have trans characters?)

And this sign, possibly not intended to confirm any of those things were okay, was doing exactly that to anyone who didn’t know its history. And Jamey told me she discussed it with the lot coordinator where she last saw it, and they decided to pull it out of rotation.

Do you understand the magnitude of that? She didn’t wait for a trans person to have to put ourselves in a difficult position of complaining about it to a cis person and not knowing how they’d react, or if we’d have to explain why it was so problematic.

She saw something that could have been a problem, and SHE JUST DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. She didn’t do it for credit or even for thanks. She had no idea I’d write about it (though I of course told her before posting this).

THAT is proactive allyship. THAT is not just saying you’re fine with us, not just NOT being a bigot, that is showing every single one of us that you ACTUALLY HAVE OUR BACKS and you have NO IDEA how much that means. Especially in the present political climate.

In my trans tuesday interview with Shakina about her fabulous and deeply needed trans episode of Quantum Leap, she mentioned she preferred the term “accomplice” over “ally,” and this is what she meant.

She wrote it right into the episode: “Allies sit in the bleachers and wave a flag, and accomplices have skin in the game.” THIS is one hundred percent what Jamey did. Because she could have faced blowback or anger over bringing that up, you never know how these things will go.

She took that on HERSELF, knowing that if it went bad it wouldn’t be half as bad for her as it would be for a trans person, and she didn’t wait for anyone to ask her to. She just did it. Because she’s a proactive ally. Because she’s an ACCOMPLICE in our liberation.

And it all went fine and the sign is out of rotation and nobody was even upset about it, as far as I know. It was such a small gesture on her part, and it could make an entire WORLD of difference to any trans people going out to picket.

With this one small act she actively made the world better, easier, and safer for trans people. And (if you’re up for it, Jamey, no presh) I’m gonna hug you extra many times whenever we finally meet.

Be an accomplice to marginalized voices. Help make the world better for all of us.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP

Welcome to #TransTuesday! A key topic I’ve touched on in many threads is cis allyship, and how important it is to actually making things better for trans people. But some folks who think they’re allies… aren’t. So today we’re gonna talk about PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP.

I have mentioned so, so many times how we trans folks are a small percentage of the population (though the number is likely higher than anyone thinks, what with transgender issues becoming more well known and us having more visibility leading to more of us coming out).

If you’re new around here, I really want you to understand HOW important true cis allyship is, and how much we absolutely NEED YOU to be on our side.

My thread on TRANS PEOPLE ARE HUMAN BEINGS/CIS ALLYSHIP is a great place to start, and it links to a *lot* of my very relevant past threads that I would really like you to read first, so you can grasp just how incredibly badly we need you.

Also see my thread NO ESCAPE 2: SOME ESCAPE, which can show you just how incredibly powerful even the smallest act of real allyship can be.

And also see my thread on TRANS PANIC, which wasn’t mentioned in the initial CIS ALLYSHIP thread as it was written afterward, but it’s real and it’s awful AND YOU CAN HELP CHANGE IT.

Okay, so you’ve read all those (RIGHT?) and now understand how important, how VITAL cis allyship is to trans folks. Nothing will ever get better if you (yes, YOU) don’t do something about it.

But allyship isn’t just saying you don’t have a problem with us, or you think we should have the same rights as everyone else. You cannot be a real trans ally without ACTION.

This means voting for people who will ~allow~ us to exist and not try to legislate us out of existence. This means stepping in if your friends or family deadname or misgender one of us, so that we don’t have to have that confrontation.

It’s about lifting up and amplifying trans voices and actually listening to what we’re saying, and believing we know our own existence and experiences better than cis people do.

It means using the privilege that being cisgender imparts upon you for good, to help make things better for us. Again, see the above NO ESCAPE 2: SOME ESCAPE thread on the massive impact even the smallest and easiest gesture of allyship can have.

So what do I mean when I talk about PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP? I’m talking about the people who say they’re our allies, and likely absolutely believe that they are, but who don’t actually do what’s needed to make that true. There’s no follow through. Okay, story time!

It’s no secret I’ve become somewhat well-known for my massive Matrix trans allegory deep dives, and honestly I have no problem with that. I’m still primarily a fiction writer (with my lovely wife @susan) but I worked so hard on those and I’m SO glad they’ve resonated with people.

When you live in L.A. and work in the entertainment industry, your friends know friends who know friends who know friends, you know? It’s a situation where everyone kind of knows everyone, to some degree. Or knows someone who knows someone. You get the idea.

So a while back I got a text from a friend, who was friends with the producer of a talk show that shall remain unnamed. Said talk show was going to have Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss on to talk about Matrix Resurrections, as part of the promotion for the film.

And as part of the interview they were going to have audience-submitted questions, and my friend (very kindly) thought of me. To say I was ecstatic was an understatement. I got in touch with the producer and while I waited for a reply, I spent HOURS trying to formulate my question.

I knew nobody else would be asking about the trans allegories of the movies, and I knew Keanu mentioned the actors weren’t aware of the allegories during the filming of the original trilogy.

This was before Resurrections had been released, so I couldn’t ask anything worthwhile about that as I’d not yet seen it.

So I’d have to ask them about the original trilogy, because I had no interest in the pandering “what was it like to return to the characters after so long” that hundreds of other people would be asking them.

Still trying to work out what to ask, the producer got back to me. She was SO EXCITED to be in touch with a trans person who was a fan, because she’d heard something or other about a trans allegory and THOUGHT IT WAS IMPORTANT to get our perspective on things.

And for the biggest (and still only) mass media made by, for, and about trans people… uh yes, YES IT IS IMPORTANT TO GET OUR PERSPECTIVE ON THINGS. Never mind that I am but one trans person and I don’t (and shouldn’t have to) speak for the entire community.

Ideally they’d have had questions from MULTIPLE trans people, but apparently they were shooting the interview TOMORROW and I was going to be the sum total of all trans people who got this amazing opportunity.

Oh great, no pressure. NO PRESSURE AT ALL.

She told me I’d have to sign a release. No problem, that’s Hollywood SOP. I told her I was still thinking over what my question would be since it was so important to me, but I’d have it soon. She was thrilled! How wonderful.

A few hours later, after writing and rewriting my question over and over to be sure it was worded exactly right for what may be my one and only chance to ask these two artists, who were part of something SO important to me, about the art that’s meant so much to so many, it was ready.

I don’t still have the text of the question to share it, but the gist of it was asking how they thought their performances in the original trilogy would have changed if they’d been aware Trinity was Neo’s self-actualization, and they were playing two aspects of the same person.

A still from a Matrix Resurrections trailer that shows half of Neo’s face and half of Trinity’s face, joined/split in the middle

If you’re REALLY new around here or somehow missed those threads and that’s catching you by surprise, it’s the basis of all four movies and I wrote 24 essays about it that became BEGIN TRANSMISSION: THE TRANS ALLEGORIES OF THE MATRIX!

“Tilly, why don’t you still have that text?” I hear you ask. “Tilly, why not just link us to the video of them answering the question? That must have been so cool!” I hear you cry. (I’d write better dialogue for you, but I’m tired and need more coffee, so them’s the breaks.)

Well the reason for all of that is because my question was never asked. Because when I sent my question to the producer, she ONLY THEN told me it had to be submitted as a VIDEO of me asking the question myself.

If you’re wondering why that was an issue, let me first direct you back to my thread on DYSPHORIA.

And then my thread on PHOTOS (which applies also to reflections, and videos).

Where I’m at in my transition now, reflections are a lot better. Photos are often MUCH better, as you may have noticed by how many selfies I post. (I didn’t get to see myself for my entire life but now I do, so yeah that tracks… it’s common for a lot of trans people. Let us have this.)

But video is a… much more difficult problem. Because it also introduces VOICE issues.

And because seeing yourself moving and talking is very different from only a still photo, or only hearing yourself talking. I’ve done a few video appearances on podcasts, but it’s been INCREDIBLY difficult for me, I hated every second of it…

…and I only managed because the hosts were people I was already friends with, so there was a comfort level that otherwise doesn’t exist. And it’s worse than doing Zooms, which I can cope with because they’re not recorded BUT still are a little difficult, even just with friends.

This was asking me to do a video, already very painful to me, for people I didn’t know, to show to artists I cared a lot about… AND THE ENTIRE NATIONAL/GLOBAL AUDIENCE OF THE TALK SHOW. Recorded for all time. I couldn’t. There was just no way.

If I had a MONTH to shoot it and reshoot it again and again as much as needed to get something I could somehow live with, then maybe (though the process would be so painful I’m honestly not sure if I could get a usable one even then).

There was NO WAY I could do this in less than a day, if I could even do it at all. I explained all of this to the producer, and asked if it would be possible to have someone else read the question out for me.

They could (and should! please!) still attribute it to me, all I asked was someone else be the one to ask it on video DUE TO MY DYSPHORIA. I explained the entire situation to her, and tried to convey how painful and impossible it would be for me to do in the allotted time.

She refused. Said she understood I was “camera shy,” and thanks anyway. And that was it.

In the span of a few hours I had an amazing opportunity that I’ll likely never get again, and a producer who said she wanted trans perspectives (BUT WOULD NOT DO EVEN THE EASIEST DAMNED THING TO GET SAID PERSPECTIVE) snatched it away.

And I cannot even TELL YOU how livid I was at her equating gender dysphoria to being “camera shy.” Just writing about it now, my blood is boiling. DO NOT DO THIS. Dysphoria is real and painful and awful and it’s not about being fucking camera shy. God damn.

She SAID she supported trans people. She SAID our voices were important. She SAID she wanted to be sure we were included.

But she would not do a SINGLE, EASY THING to actually make it happen.

You can say you support us all you want. You can say you stand with us, and say all the legislation against us is wrong. You can even pat yourself on the back for doing so.

But if you don’t back it up with ACTION… *THAT IS NOT ALLYSHIP.* When the entire world is coming for us, people who claim to be our friends doing nothing at all to actually help us is the last thing we fucking need. Be a REAL ALLY.

We need you.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP 2: FALSE ALLYSHIP

Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today we’re talking about cis allyship, or lack thereof. And not from transphobes and bigots, but from people who think of themselves as trans allies. Buckle up, we’re crashing into PERFORMATIVE ALLYSHIP 2: FALSE ALLYSHIP.

Some context before we dive in. You’ll want to see my Trans Tuesday on No Escape 2: Some Escape (due to cis allyship), to learn just how important even one lone ally can be to bad experiences for trans folks that maybe never even occurred to you.

You’ll want to see the original thread on Performative Allyship… what it is, why it’s bad, and the harm it causes when you don’t understand us well enough to be an actual ally.

And if you want a little extra understanding of how the simplest act of allyship and acceptance from cis people can mean the world to us, see the recent thread on What Real Cis Acceptance Looks Like.

When I talked about Performative Allyship the first time, it was about people who claimed to be allies, thought of themselves as allies, but who wouldn’t do even the smallest, simplest thing to help us. But this week’s topic is a step further in the wrong direction.

So what do I mean when I say “false allyship?” I’m talking about cis people out there who honestly, truly believe they’re trans allies… but their “allyship” goes beyond being performative and is actually dangerous transphobia.

Seems unlikely, Tilly! Yeah I hear you. And yet it’s real, and it happens to us all the time. Cognitive dissonance is alive in a lot of people out there, and it’s not confined to those who are openly bigoted or biased against us.

If you’re not sure what that means, please see the thread on Implicit Queerphobia. Until you, me, we, ALL of us recognize the implicit biases society forces into us, we can’t combat it and work to root it out.

The example I’m going to use is of a specific instance, and I want to caution you that this is going to contain discussion of transphobic comments. Not everyone is always in a place where they can handle that, so this is your fair warning.

This happened on Oct. 18 2022. I know it’s been a while, so why the heck am I talking about it now? Well I was in the middle of other Trans Tuesdays at the time, and then had a podcast to launch and I definitely didn’t want to lead the show with this.

I was also really angry about it, and I needed the time and distance to cool off a bit so I could approach it from a less heated viewpoint. To be clear, I’m still mad, and am justified in being so, but now I can approach it with more than just pain and swearing.

So on the morning of Oct. 18, I was stuck in traffic, a normal occurrence for Los Angeles. I was listening to KROQ, because I dig most of the music they play. Their morning programming is The Klein/Ally show, which is… probably what you’d expect it to be.

Klein and Ally are both cis white people, and Ally’s a lesbian. I only bring that up because, as you’ll see, she prides herself on being a member of the queer community. And that’s going to be extra relevant.

That morning they were featuring “Tales from the Lyft,” which was basically rideshare horror stories. There’s some ageism and fatphobia from a caller as well, all of which goes mostly unchallenged, so go in with caution.

I’ll be discussing the relevant part in detail below, but you can listen to the 20 minute segment in full here (the portion I’m discussing is from 14:45 – 16:06).

Caller: Friday night, I’m beginner Uber. Um, pick up a girl, pick her up at her home, she’s going out to a club or something like that. I’m taking her out, we’re talking, she’s flirting with me, I’m flirting back with her, my truck is dark, I can’t see her face good…

Caller: …she has a nice body, whatever, she asks for my number so we can hang out, I say “sure, great, give me your number blah blah blah.” Um… as soon as we rolled up to the destination where she was going to, um…

Caller: I look at the place, I look at her, she’s getting out of my car, I look at the place, I look back down at her, I notice her kinda really wide back, similar to mine…

[Klein and Ally laugh].

Caller: I’m like wait, what is this place? I look at her, she turns around and says bye to me, and I’m all like-

Klein [affects an overly-deep voice]: BYE

Caller: She’s got that dark tone, you know, heavy voice…

Klein: -hold on.

[There’s an edit in the file here, I don’t know what they cut out]

Ally: You should go through with it. [Klein laughs] I think it’s meant to be.

Klein: That’s always- it’s so funny just because-

Ally [laughs]: The wide back.

Klein: I don’t know how much of that I had to cut out, but [laughs] he’s thinking to himself “this is the best night ever.”

Ally: Yeah.

Klein: Just started rideshare driving, right out of the way, got a beauty in the back-

Ally: She’s beautiful.

Klein: -flirting with me and then all of a sudden gets up, big wide man, [affects deeper voice] GOODBYE

Ally: Seeya later.

Klein [affects deeper voice]: HAVE A GOOD NIGHT SIR.

Okay so right on the surface, both Klein and that caller are deeply, surface-level transphobic. That’s bad enough on its own, but you know what? At least it’s honest transphobia. It’s all “hey world, I’m a bigot.” It’s awful, but you know where you stand right away.

But Ally, a queer woman, LAUGHED at their transphobia, and didn’t at all push back against it. THAT is what kills me. She should know better. She should BE better. And I tried to tell her so.

Please note: I am NOT tagging her or the show into this thread. I said what I had to say to them, and I don’t need them or their transphobic listeners coming to harass me. So don’t go tagging them into the replies, or you’re part of the problem.

Me tweeting to the Klein/Ally show: Hey so it turns out Klein/Ally Show on KROQ thinks the fact that trans women exist is HILARIOUS. Our trying to live our lives in peace is worthy of mockery because really, how dare we? But thanks for letting us know you’re bigots, I guess.

Klein/Ally show responds: Ally here. We have no intention whatsoever of making a mockery of the trans community. I’d be a pretty lousy ally to my trans friends if that were the case. We laughed at a simple story about mistaken identity in a rideshare, during which the person’s identity was never revealed.

I respond: the intent and context was to mock a woman the driver said had “a wide back” and you all then affected lower voices and laughed and laughed. If the intent of that was not “a woman with a wide back and deep voice is HILARIOUS,” what was it? There could be no other intent.

My reply: whether the person in question was a trans woman, a man in drag, or a cis woman with broad shoulders, your *jokes* were transphobic, and yes that makes you a shitty ally. Trans women face the highest level of violence ever and shit like this enables it. It’s bigoted and dangerous.

Klein/Ally show’s reply: I’m not of the belief that laughter translates to phobia & hatred, but I know not all feel that way. There are people out there who are truly transphobic & hateful & I know deep in my bones that no one on this show is in that camp. I’ve had enough of these conversations both on-

Klein/Ally show’s reply: And off the air to know how they turn out. Going back & forth on verbiage & intention…it usually ends with no progress when all this energy could have been spent sending shitty tweets to Tucker Carlson [who she tagged?!] So I will bow out feeling genuinely bummed that we lost you.

My reply: something can be transphobic without you actively setting out to hurt trans people. Laughing at *the very idea* of a woman with broad shoulders and a deep voice is laughing at the reality of existence for many trans women. And it was on a segment about rideshare “horror stories.”

My reply: a guy who was repulsed he’d been flirting with us is one step away from guys who murder us for “tricking them” on dates, and if you can’t see how that further normalizes hating us I don’t know what to tell you. It’s not hard to say “sorry, we’ll do better,” yet here we are.

Needless to say I’ve stopped listening to the show. I don’t hate KROQ, I still listen a lot and am particularly fond of their late morning and afternoon DJs, Nicole Alvarez and Megan Holiday. I enjoy listening to them. But I’m never putting KROQ on before 10 am ever again.

This is extra egregious to me because KROQ is easily the most well-known radio station in Los Angeles, with a long history, and it’s listened to around the world. They’ve got a big audience, which furthers the importance of them not doing harm to marginalized communities.

When someone from a marginalized community tells you something you did perpetuates the harm they face, YOUR JOB IS TO LISTEN, APOLOGIZE, AND DO BETTER.

THAT IS WHAT AN ALLY DOES.

But she got defensive, made excuses, claimed that nobody there could possibly be transphobic… despite the INCREDIBLY transphobic things they all said and laughed at. And the transphobia is awful enough on its own!

And then, and THEN to be like “but other people are much nastier!” as if that matters. Of COURSE they are, and yet ALL OF IT IS HARMFUL AND NEEDS TO STOP.

The LAST thing we need are people who claim to be allies, who want to THINK of themselves as allies… but who laugh at the ways we’re different, don’t stand up for us, and then pull out the “but I have trans friends!” excuse that means absolutely nothing.

If this is the kind of crap you’re going to do, if you catch yourself LAUGHING at bigoted jokes (much less making them), YOU HAVE SOME TRANSPHOBIA TO DEAL WITH.

Getting defensive doesn’t make it go away. Admitting it, apologizing, and working to root it out of you to be a true ally is the only response that doesn’t end in more transphobia.

Trans people have to deal with more than enough of this shit from active bigots. The absolute last thing we need is this flaming trash from people who claim to be our friends.

Do better.

We’re human beings, and we DESERVE better.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com