Trans Life

GENDERED CHILDHOODS

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re discussing something you’re perfectly aware of, because you are a human who was a child that grew up in this society. And if you’ve ever set foot in a clothing or toy store, it couldn’t be more obvious: GENDERED CHILDHOODS.

I am, of course, talking about the ways in which kids, both now and when we were kids ourselves, have every single facet of our society shouting at us that YOU ARE A BOY or YOU ARE A GIRL and BOYS DO X and GIRLS DO Y.

And you’re more aware of it than you know. The most obvious that still affects us as adults, are gendered bathrooms. Girls go here, and boys go there. You DO NOT CROSS THE LINE into the bathroom you’re not allowed in. It’s one of the first things you learn.

I remember once in grade school I was walking back from the bathroom, and I was the only one in the hall, and I’d brought one of those small rubber ultra bouncy-balls to play with at recess. And I was bouncing it in the hall as I went back to class.

And you see where this is going, right? It bounced into the girls’ bathroom and I FROZE. I was TERRIFIED. What do I do?! There aren’t any girls around that I could ask to go get it for me. And I couldn’t find a teacher and ask because then I’d get in trouble for bouncing the ball in the hallway!

Eventually I sprinted in, found the ball, and sprinted back out. And I remember feeling… terrified I’d be punished, but also some weird thrill because I always wanted to know what it looked like (also because, spoiler, I was always a girl and that’s where I should have been going).

I can’t tell you how old I was at the time, I suspect pretty young, but I don’t know. I have no other memories surrounding that moment, for reasons I talked about in the trans tuesdays on TRANS GRIEF (dissociation from dysphoria has made most of my pre-transition life a blank).

Anyway, I don’t know what would have happened if I’d been caught, but in my overly active imagination writer mind, I was sure I’d be expelled and grounded until I was 20. Of course that’s not what would have happened, BUT-

My imagination didn’t come up with that out of nowhere. It was seeded by how INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT it was made to me that you ONLY used the bathroom you were told to. Were SUPPOSED TO. Go in the BOYS BATHROOM, you BOY. It was very confusing.

And everyone reading this knows of the “blue is for boys, pink is for girls” nonsense our society flings around. It’s nonsense, and is of course part of THE FALSE DICHOTOMY (see its trans tuesday for more info).

Spoiler alert, the colors used to be reversed! Pink was for boys, and blue was for girls… and it was for JUST EXACTLY AS SEXIST A REASON.

“…a June 1918 article from the trade publication Earnshaw’s Infants’ Department said, ‘The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls.’

‘The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl.’”

The article also says kids of all genders used to wear white dresses until they were 6 or 7, but it calls seeing a boy in one of them “unsettling.” THAT ARTICLE IS FROM 2011, good lord. Who am I kidding, it could have been written today and someone might’ve said the same.

Anyway, not being allowed to like pink ALSO very much contributed to my own gender dysphoria, and was part of why I felt so broken. It’s the societal false dichotomy that’s broken, not trans people, but you certainly feel like the problem must be YOU, because society says so.

I discussed not being ALLOWED to like pink (a color! My mother wouldn’t let me like a COLOR!) when I was a kid, because it was for girls only, in the trans tuesday on UNEXPECTED BONUSES OF TRANSITION… like getting to embrace the color you always loved but weren’t allowed to like.

Now think about toy stores (well, most don’t exist anymore, sadly) or toy sections in department stores like Target. You can INSTANTLY tell how horrifically gendered everything is, right?

The “boy section” has cars and action figures and black and blue and chrome, and the “girl section” is searing neon pink and dolls and dolls and more dolls. And why is it girls get dolls and boys don’t?

Because having a DOLL ostensibly teaches a GIRL how to BE A MOTHER and honestly how is our entire society not fed up with the level of sexism that permeates all of it? I don’t even know where we begin to change it, but that can’t happen until everyone SEES it.

And I know this crap affects cis people too, because even as a kid I knew cis girls who didn’t want to play with dolls or Barbies, or wear dresses. They got called “tomboys” because wanting to be like a boy was admirable and understandable! Who wouldn’t?

But a boy who didn’t want to play with cars or army men, and maybe wanted to wear dresses, got called a fairy and another much more hurtful f-word that you couldn’t pay me a million dollars to repeat here. Because wanting to be like a girl was SHAMEFUL and WRONG.

And if you think that doesn’t all compound upon a young trans girl who feels broken that the world is telling her she’s every single thing that she’s not and contributes to gender dysphoria in a massive way, I think you haven’t been paying attention.

But I actually DID want to play with cars and action figures, but I also wanted to play with Barbies and wear dresses and hang out with girls (much much more than boys) and I can feel, even now, deep in my heart…

My chest is tight remembering how broken and alone it made me feel, every damned day of my life. But this isn’t just about me, or about trans girls, or about trans kids of any gender. It’s about ALL kids.

And if you want to see at least a little of what that did to me, and it turns out also happened to a whole lot of other trans people, see the trans tuesday on SEARCHING FOR MEANING WHEN YOU’RE TRANS AND DON’T KNOW IT.

There is NOTHING WRONG with a cis girl who wants to play with cars and action figures and get dirty, and there is NOTHING WRONG with a cis boy who wants to wear dresses and play with dolls and Barbies and have a tea party.

Yet our society, in general, balks at the idea. Even the more accepted tomboy is treated like a “phase” they’ll grow out of, and not them exploring who they really are. Ah, but now we’re getting to the crux of it, aren’t we?

Our society is INCREDIBLY cisgender heterosexual normative. Conservatives will rail and cry and scream about one gay kiss, never mind there are hetero kisses (and often a lot more sexual content) in all of our media everywhere.

And it’s PUSHED on kids, and if you don’t believe me you clearly don’t know many queer people. A perfect example is Hallmark Christmas movies. It doesn’t matter what you think of them or if you don’t watch them, they’re a big thing during the holidays, right?

Since 2001 Hallmark has made ALMOST 300 CHRISTMAS ROMANCE MOVIES.

The first one to star two women, and have a lesbian kiss, WAS RELEASED IN DECEMBER OF 2023. We watched it! It’s called A Friends and Family Christmas.

It was schmaltzy and saccharine like every other Hallmark Christmas movie, and QUEER PEOPLE DESERVE THOSE TOO.

It took them until 2019 to make Hanukkah movies! It took until 2018 until they had non-white leads, and they still wouldn’t allow interracial couples! (whiteness and christianity are forced onto us by society just like gender roles are).

And before you say “well those aren’t for kids,” let me remind you they are… rated G. Like Disney animated movies. Like all content aimed at kids. Hell, Disney has been making animated movies for kids since Snow White in 1937. How many starred a queer character?

They’re starting to slowly hint at our existence, some 75 YEARS later. Strange World had a gay boy as a main character, and that came out… in 2022. Did he get to kiss his crush, though? You know he didn’t.

HOW MANY DISNEY MOVIES HAVE YOU SEEN WHERE A CIS GUY AND A CIS GAL SMOOCH? Is it all of them??! The Little Mermaid marries Ariel off AT SIXTEEN YEARS OLD AKUGASKGSJKGJHKAGL

But they can’t show gay or lesbian or bi or ace or nonbinary or trans characters, because then kids might think they could be that too! They can’t let boys and girls not conform to gender every second of their lives or they might find out they’re not cisgender heterosexual. It’s UNNATURAL!

My dudes, if you have to force gendering on kids’ bathrooms, clothes, toys, media, behaviors, mannerisms, and preferences JUST to “maintain” cisgender heterosexuality… WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU ABOUT CISGENDER HETEROSEXUALITY?!

Nothing that was the ONLY “real” way to be would need every single facet of society to brainwash kids into thinking that’s all they CAN be. If a cis girl or boy wants to play with things you THINK “should” be for their gender, great! Let them.

And if they want to play with things you think “shouldn’t” be for their gender… GREAT. LET THEM. Kids NEED to explore, to imagine, to discover. The whole point of childhood is to learn, we spend the entire time figuring out who we are. (also get over yourself plz)

When you force a kid into clothes they don’t want, colors they don’t want, toys they don’t want, sports or activities or anything that’s not what THEY want, you are harming them. Trans and cis alike. You’re messing them up in untold ways.

And this isn’t about making them eat a vegetable once in a while, or clean up their room. Don’t get it twisted. You KNOW I’m not saying to cave to a kid’s every whim. There’s a difference, and it’s easily definable, and to say otherwise is disingenuous.

If you’re in any way restricting a kid from exploring something just because it makes YOU uncomfortable, you’re failing at being a parent. You’re supposed to support THEM in what THEY want, not what you want.

I’ve shared things I love with our kid, hoping he’d love them too. Some he does! Some he doesn’t. AND THAT IS OKAY. I’m not going to force him to pretend to like something he doesn’t, or pretend to be someone he’s not. Why on earth would I? Why would anyone?

You help kids be who THEY are, not who YOU want them to be. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. It’s about their happiness, and security, and ability to know and love all the wild, wonderful, different ways a human can be.

THAT’S THE JOB.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

TRANS FREEDOM

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re discussing something you might not have ever thought about in this exact way. I know I certainly hadn’t. What are we talking about? UNDERWEAR. But honestly, really and truly, what we’re talking about is TRANS FREEDOM.

There are some prerequisites for this topic! I mean you don’t HAVE to read these others first, I can’t FORCE you. I’m not the boss of you. All I’m saying is they’d help. A lot. So definitely check out the Trans Tuesday on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHES AND TRANS PEOPLE.

But also pretty vital to what I’ll be discussing, and something nearly every trans person has to deal with at some point, is the Trans Tuesday on TUCKING AND BINDING.

I’m sure you’re already familiar with the ways underwear is SO incredibly gendered in our society. You really can’t exist in our society without being aware of it, which is kind of odd when you think about it for two seconds.

But also I want to remind you that for me, as a trans woman, I could not so much as think about stepping outside without having to pause and think about my underwear and my junk. Which underwear am I wearing? Am I tucked? Will I get assaulted if not?

Having to stop and think about your undies before going anywhere or doing anything outside your home is a very real thing trans people have to deal with, especially trans women. And if you’re cis, I want you to stop and think for a moment how entirely WEIRD that would be for you.

Tucking was extraordinarily uncomfortable for me for a long time. Physically, I mean, not emotionally (though it definitely is that too, for a lot of trans women). And it was a reminder, every second I was out, that I was trans and had to literally hide part of myself for safety.

I couldn’t ever not feel it, right? Especially when walking, or sitting down, or… well, existing. And that’s a really awful thing to have an actual constant reminder of. Nobody walks around thinking about their genitals every second! But it’s a thing lots of trans women are forced into.

Before we talk more about genitals and underwear, which I know you’re all so excited to read more about, I want to take a small diversion to roughly touch on other ways trans people have our freedoms restricted.

The big one for most of us is GENDER DYSPHORIA, which is oppressive and painful and, for some, completely debilitating. It prevents you from living your life and can make every waking moment a living hell. See the Trans Tuesday on it for more info.

And if you’re cis, you may not understand how that restricts your FREEDOM, so for comparison please see the Trans Tuesday on INTO THE UNKNOWN aka A WHOLE NEW WORLD aka WHAT IS HAPPENING, when I got to experience the world for the first time WITHOUT dysphoria.

And see the Trans Tuesday on FREEING UP MY BRAIN aka LUNCH WITH TILLY for more on how the lack of (or lessening of) dysphoria finally FREED ME UP to experience so much of what I’d been missing.

That’s a lot, I know, but I think you need it. Because what you’ll see in those is how restrictive life with dysphoria is, and all the tangible ways my life improved when my freedom increased due to my dysphoria finally dissipating.

“Oh my god, Tilly, that’s so many past Trans Tuesdays. Are you going to link them ALL?” Okay, listen. LISTEN.

L I S T E N.

I’m trying to show you how INCREDIBLY restrictive our society makes existing as a trans person. I want you to REALLY, REALLY GET IT.

Every day, everywhere we go, everyplace we are, we are constantly caged and locked down by dysphoria and society in so many different ways. Being trans shouldn’t be hard! IT’S ONLY DIFFICULT BECAUSE SOCIETY MAKES IT THAT WAY.

So how the ever-lovin’ heck does this relate to underpants? Okay, let’s bring it back around. Did you notice I’ve been talking about things in the past tense? Good eye! Something’s changed.

If one of the ways I’m restricted is that I always have to think about my junk and my undies, FREEDOM comes into play if and when I no longer have to do that.

I mentioned in the TUCKING/BINDING thread that I’d found Tuck Buddies on Etsy. They make undies for trans women to assist with tucking, and they worked okay. They helped. But I was still tucking.

I didn’t wear them all the time, just when going out. And as I mentioned in the Trans Tuesday on CLOTHES, I already had non-tuck-specific women’s underwear that I wore all the rest of the time. But I’d have to stop and think about which I had on before going out.

Even still, I couldn’t wear my women’s undies or the Tuck Buddies on my runs, which are very much still about maintaining the body I want to have AS PART OF MY TRANSITION, as I talked about in the Trans Tuesday on BODY HACKING.

So on my runs, I’d have to wear my old boy undies, under either running tights or biking shorts, with another pair of loose shorts over them to hide everything. And let me tell you, EVERY DAY, having to put boy underwear back on DESTROYED me. Made me feel like absolute trash. Dysphoria everywhere.

And while some trans women tuck for their own benefit, some of us, myself included, do it ONLY so CIS PEOPLE will not harass or assault us. Even still, we get STARED at, and it sucks, and yeah there’s a Trans Tuesday on that too. (don’t do it! It’s bad!)

A while back a few trans lady friends told me about Leo Lines, also a company on Etsy making undies and swimsuits for trans women. These ladies felt they worked a bit better, and though expensive, I gave them a try.

So I got a pair, and the first time I put them on… I could tell they were different. They don’t work for everyone the same, it’s going to depend on the cut you get and your anatomy. But for me? They are M A G I C.

I NO LONGER HAVE TO TUCK! EVER! Mind you I have to, uh, situate things differently than I used to, but it’s not remotely a tuck. I just pull them up and… that’s it.

THAT

IS

IT.

I don’t have to tuck. I don’t have to feel uncomfortable and be thinking about my crotch every second of the day I’m out of our apartment. I don’t have to stop and think about my underwear before leaving to go anywhere!

WHAT KIND OF A SENTENCE EVEN IS THAT? “I don’t have to stop to think about my underwear.” Goodness. Nobody should ever have to do that, yet here we are. And I don’t have to do it anymore! I am FREE.

I immediately ordered several more pairs, and now they’re ALL I wear. And I got to thinking… what if… what if I tried them on my runs? I can’t run while tucked, but I’m NOT tucked, so… it should be doable? Right?

Let’s give it a go.

Readers. Friends. Loved ones. I am here to tell you I CAN EVEN WEAR THEM WHEN RUNNING. I DON’T NEED TO HAVE BIKE SHORTS OR RUNNING TIGHTS OVER THEM!

In the summer, when it’s 85 and above when I’m running, having undies and then spandex bike shorts to tamp things down, and THEN running shorts on top of it was oppressively hot. It was miserable. But I had no choice.

And now… I do. I HAVE OPTIONS. I HAVE

FREEDOM.

I can just wake up in the morning, NOT EVEN HAVE TO CHANGE MY UNDIES MUCH LESS PUT BOY UNDIES ON, pull on my running shorts and sports bra and tank top… and go.

F R E E D O M.

Even this little bit has helped so much. It has FURTHER freed up my brain from having to worry about if I’m tucked “good enough” to be safe, if I have the right underwear on, if I’m going to be miserably uncomfortable all day.

It’s freed me from having to keep, and wear, the very last vestiges of the clothes I was forced into for my entire life. Clothes that made me feel miserable. Clothes that made me feel like I was drowning again. Even if they were under all women’s running clothes.

THEY. ARE. GONE. They weigh me down no longer. And I was so happy to finally be rid of them I took a photo of them in the trash to cherish forever.

A pile of men’s boxer briefs in a trash can.

When the society that we live in restricts trans rights at every turn, when we have to check the bathroom situation of every new place we go to, when we have to worry that every stranger might misgender us or worse…

The smallest things get magnified in importance.

Because they let us say, even if just in one small way, you cannot stop me.

I AM FREE.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

FINDING OUR TRANS STYLE

Welcome to #TransTuesday! I’ve put this one off for actual years because I just didn’t feel able to discuss it. But now I do! Maybe? I dunno, let’s find out together as we talk FINDING OUR TRANS STYLE.

For trans people who transition as adults, figuring out our style is something of a giant puzzle. Well, I presume there are some lucky trans folks who thought their style would be X, they transitioned and tried on X and it was perfect magic happy land.

But it certainly wasn’t that way for me. And I imagine trans kids in welcoming environments who can socially transition at home go through something similar (though depending on how early they know, they may luckily spend most of their lives without this issue).

Every person goes through different phases or eras of style in their life. Our thoughts and opinions and tastes change throughout our lives, so changing the way you want to present yourself and your hair, clothes, shoes, and more are constantly evolving. Makes sense.

But for some of us trans folks who transition as adults, we’re basically starting from scratch. Getting to choose the clothes I actually WANTED for the first time in my life was overwhelming, especially transitioning from traditionally male-flavored clothing to traditionally female-flavored.

The options were just unending. And while women’s clothing has a whole HOST of issues, variety and choice isn’t one of them. But it definitely is for men’s clothing, and if you’d like more info on that see the trans tuesday on HEAVILY GENDERED CLOTHING AND TRANS PEOPLE.

So before I began my social transition (which I knew was coming at a certain date, which I’ve talked about before), I spent hours, DAYS probably just browsing women’s clothes online. Trying to find out what I’d want to wear, what was or wasn’t available in my sizes, and so on.

And when I started buying them, I was just throwing everything at the wall to see what would stick. I mean there was stuff I knew I had absolutely no interest in wearing, but there was a lot of stuff I just wasn’t sure about, or was intrigued by. But I had no frame of reference.

So I just got the stuff I liked and hoped all would be well.

All was not well!

I mean it was nothing catastrophic, but I had no idea how difficult it would be.

And one of the big reasons was that I was (still!) having difficulty separating clothes I thought women looked great in from clothes *I* would look great in, or that I WANTED to wear. Which is absolutely 100% part of the trans tuesday on SEXUALITY IS NOT GENDER.

You can see right in there that I thought my remarkable affinity for bows was in seeing them on women. Which it is! But also a VERY deep part of that was my own subconscious desires to be the one wearing them.

And also, okay look, women’s clothes are designed with cis women in mind. I think I talked about this a bit back in the trans tuesday on clothes, but I had to buy extra big women’s jeans so that there was, uh, enough room in the crotch for equipment cis ladies don’t have.

Over time and as HRT changed things and my tucking shifted, I was able to size them down to what’s actually appropriate for my waist. If you need a refresher on HRT.

And if you need a refresher on TUCKING AND BINDING.

And you can see me talking about the way tucking changed for me in the trans tuesday on TRANS FREEDOM (and underwear).

But for a long time I… just didn’t have any hips. I have some small ones now, which I talked a bit about in my THREE YEARS OUT AND ON HRT CHECK-IN.

But I still don’t really have much of a butt. So my jeans are often a little baggy back there. And skirts! Okay so I got skirts I really like but gueesssssss what? Many cuts and styles are MADE FOR CIS WOMEN WHO HAVE HIPS.

And so, without much in the way of hips to speak of, they looked TERRIBLE on me. They accentuated just how little-to-no hips I had.

But then I learned about A-line skirts and swing dresses, and to the ladies out there (trans or cis) without much in the way of hips, those are built to flare out at the waist and so they make it look like you DO have hips! That was a game-changer.

So I’m going through all these clothes I had, trying to figure out what I liked for ME and not just seeing other women in, and what also looked GOOD on me with my body type and shape. And THEN I had to figure out what style of THOSE things I liked.

There’s a running gag among some folks about how trans women (especially those who are newly out) have ZERO fashion sense or style, but like… THIS IS WHY. We have to figure it all out, and cis women get their whole lives to do that! Give us a break, dang it.

And as I’ve also mentioned many times, I didn’t get to be a little girl, or a teen girl, or even a young adult woman. Does a trans woman’s style go through those phases as we experience all we missed out on? I don’t know! Maybe. This stuff is all complicated to figure out.

And do you know what all of that takes? TIME and MONEY. I’m super busy and I’m not rich, but I still have a lot more than a LOT of trans people. Which is a PRIVILEGE that I talked about in the trans tuesday on that very topic.

I was trying to think of the best way to show you my style evolution over time, and I think one of the best ways is with my glasses. And the easiest spot to show you is in my transition timeline photo I posted with the aforementioned three years out and on HRT retrospective.

My pre-transition through 2020, 2021, 2022, and 2023 transition timeline photo

In the pre-transition photo, those are the kind of incredibly understated and bland glasses I had my whole life up until I began my social transition. They track completely with the clothes I was wearing then… mostly utilitarian stuff that was baggy and hid my body.

Anything that would NOT draw attention to myself, anyway, because that was the last thing I wanted. I talked a bit about that in the trans tuesday on CONFIDENCE.

The glasses in my “day one” and one year/2021 timeline pics are the same… a kind of colorful floral print, but the shape is still very gender-neutral (it’s ASININE that even GLASSES are gendered in our society, but the fact of the matter is they very much are).

And so were my clothes at the time. I mean I had women’s clothes, but a lot of them were less overtly feminine. Or were feminine in subtle ways, or even gender-neutral stuff I just didn’t have the courage to wear before transition.

I had a second set at this time, a subtle cat-eye purple wire frame pair. I ended up not liking the metal, but also they felt… bolder, and so I wore them much less often. I wasn’t yet ready for the extra attention I worried they’d bring. They show up in very few of my selfies.

Me in a pair of metallic purple cat-eye glasses.

At the two year/2022 pic, you can see I’d upgraded to brighter cat-eye glasses (and also have a more feminine top on). At that time I also had a pair of blue and white cat-eye glasses, which you can see here.

My glasses in this photo are larger (than when I began transition, anyway) and have a subtle cat-eye shape, and are a dark blue with white specks.

At my last eye exam my prescription changed, which of course meant it was time for new glasses. And I’d discovered my previous pairs were, SOMEHOW, much more subtle than I wanted. I wanted ones that were BRIGHT, that were FUN, that SCREAMED “TILLY!” to the world.

And so you see my very large iridescent white cat-eye glasses in the 2023 timeline photo, and of course the pair I have that always gets the most comments from everyone in person and in every selfie they appear in… my large fuchsia heart-shaped cat eye glasses.

Me wearing my large fuchsia heart-shaped cat eye glasses.

And that has ONE HUNDO PERCENT been my entire style evolution over time. It’s gotten brighter, more feminine, more form-fitting, but also sometimes it’s sporty (again, like the top I’m wearing in the last photo in the transition timeline).

But I wanted that top to be just a tiiiiitch more feminine, which the lace from my bra peeking out accomplished nicely! It’s all a game of adjustments.

Some of my difficulty was in figuring out if I wanted to be girly or badass, feminine or sporty. And long-time readers? I know you’ve already spotted what happened to me, haven’t you?

Because what I discovered in trying to unravel all of this was that, despite being fully aware of its existence, THE FALSE DICHOTOMY had again ensnared me. See the trans tuesday on it for more info.

Of COURSE I don’t have to be girly OR badass, I don’t have to be feminine OR sporty. I can be ALL OF IT ANY TIME I WANT. Which means I can have these very attention-getting girly boots…

Me wearing a pair of white platform boots that have four buckles up the front, and the center of each buckle is an iridescent metal heart.

But I can ALSO have these boots that are great for kicking someone’s ass in a sci-fi movie!

Me in a pair of chunky black motorcycle boots with four side buckles that truly look like something out of a sci-fi film

And sometimes I can be girly and feminine and badass and sporty all at once!

A shot of my hand showing off bright iridescent nail polish, but also on my hand is a fighting glove, which leads to a bright pink sleeve cuff from my workout top. In the background you can see the bottom of my running shorts over my running tights, and my foot in a running shoe on the pavement.

I know I say this a lot so it’s like a mantra, but maybe it actually should be. There’s no one right way to be trans. There’s no one right way to socially transition. There’s no one right way to medically transition.

There’s no one right way to be a woman, or a man, or nonbinary. There’s no one right way to dress! Your style can literally be ANYTHING YOU WANT IT TO BE.

Don’t let society force you into wearing stuff you don’t want to. And it’s okay to figure it out as you go.

As long as you get to where YOU want to be at the end.

Just be your authentic, fabulous self.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

ps – why on earth was it so hard for me to realize my clothes could be girly, sporty, badass, and feminine all at once because THAT IS WHAT MY TATTOO IS augh Tilly, come on girl.

My right arm showing my sleeve tattoo: an aged banner with the words LADY VICTORY on it in a kind of scripty font, surrounded by a skull with a pink bow, five pink stars, and many sharp, curving lines.

TRANS BIRTHDAYS

Welcome to #TransTuesday! It’s my birthday week (it’s true! seems I keep having them every year and thank goodness). Birthdays can be weird for lots of people, but for some trans people like me they’re extra strange. We’re talking TRANS BIRTHDAYS. Plus: a letter to little Tilly!

My first birthday after coming out was strange. It was the first one in my entire life that I got to spend as the real me, except that was much less the real me than I was on the birthday following, or the one this year. So in a way each of them is like an entirely new thing.

They’ve all felt deeply weird. Birthdays have always been a bit odd for me though. They were fine when I was a kid, as they are for many kids. Cake, presents, maybe a party with your friends. Even though the world still seemed wrong and broken.

Looking back, what little of them I can remember are still all tinged with sadness and pain, and they always will be. If you’d like more info, see THE PAST (and why it haunts us).

In my mid-20s birthdays all started to blend together, but I imagine that happens for everyone. I remember 30 feeling a bit different, even though I don’t remember the day itself, but then they all blended together again after.

I couldn’t tell you what I did for any of my birthdays now. They’ve never been that special, I guess. Susan and the kid and I might go out for dinner (not since Pandora’s box started tho) or if it was a weekend, maybe go to Disneyland or something.

Even then, they never meant anything to me. I was getting older, happy to be married to my best friend, loving our amazing kid, loving writing, and that was it. The fact I felt disassociated and disconnected from the world and my own life probably has a lot to do with that.

But birthdays were always just a happy excuse to see people I love and eat food I like and get presents. Beyond that, even as a kid it never felt celebratory to me. What’s to celebrate? It’s just the day I was born, who cares?

Well being an adult and continuing to exist, especially in our present climate, feels heroic. Between covid and maybe half the country wanting to strip my rights away and the actual literal climate, just surviving is a big deal.

And we’re not just surviving. Susan and I are writing our best stuff ever, and we’ve never been happier or more excited by the work we’re doing. And we’re SO EXCITED to tell you what we’ve been working on, as soon as we’re allowed to. It’s all so wonderful.

But I look back and wonder what birthdays would have been like as a kid if I’d been able to be myself. I try to imagine what knowing that I was transgender would have felt like. I just don’t know.

It fills me with pangs of sadness and regret for the childhood I never had, for all the birthdays I could have had that might have meant so much more. What would it be like to be seen and accepted and celebrated for the REAL ME every year of my life? Goodness.

I didn’t get to be a little girl. I didn’t get to be a teen girl. I didn’t even get to be a woman in her 20s. Those are experiences I’ve been robbed of, and can never ever get back because time still stubbornly only moves in one direction because time’s a goddamned jerk.

Transphobic society STEALS YEARS OF LIFE FROM TRANS PEOPLE. There’s no other way to say it, and no softening the pain and damage that causes. I will never EVER get back the childhood, teen years, and young adulthood that should have been mine.

But then I realize that it’s all just a gossamer dream anyway because my home life was such that even if I’d known I was trans, I certainly wouldn’t have been able to explore it or live it. I’d have been forced to hide it and repress it and that’s already what I was doing.

I would have been told I was NOT trans, and they would have attempted to force it out of me. So what’s worse, living with the feeling that the world is somehow wrong and I don’t fit, or living with knowing why and how to fix it but being trapped and kept away from it?

Either way is awful. I’m so envious of trans folks who figured it out young and had supportive families that let them explore and find themselves. I have no idea what that’s like. It’s something ALL OF US should have. It shouldn’t be something we have to hide, a pain we’re forced into.

But I’ve also mentioned in previous Trans Tuesdays that if I HAD known earlier, and even been able to explore it and transition earlier, it would have changed my life in every conceivable way.

And then I might not have ever found my wife, and we might not have our wonderful kid, and I would never trade either of those things. But that doesn’t stop the well of pain that’s like a hole in my heart at wondering what might have been.

And so part of me wishes I was born a cis girl, because how much easier life would be. Not that cis women have it easy, but they have it a damn sight better than us trans women. But I don’t want to BE cis, I just want to exist in a world that accepts me as me from the get-go.

It’s not like I’m ashamed of being trans, or sad about it. Far from it! I’m proud of being trans and who I am. You have no idea the kind of COURAGE it takes for every trans person to exist in this world. It SHOULDN’T take courage, mind you. But it does.

And so this is like every other aspect of being trans, at least for me. It’s complex and nuanced with layers, and there’s no easy answer or even an easy way to explain it.

Since realizing and accepting my transness, and being out and becoming more my true self with every passing day, birthdays have been even more different. Because on each one I’ve been more ME than ever. Especially this year when I’ve hit so many milestones.

Like when photos just stopped spiking my gender dysphoria, which seems to have almost entirely dissipated altogether. See PHOTOS 2: THE SELFIE APOCALYPSE.

Or when I discovered that the lessening and dissipating of my dysphoria provided me a freedom that I never had the capacity to experience before. See FREEING UP MY BRAIN (aka lunch with Tilly)

Or when I finally got to go somewhere with people as MYSELF and discovered what an amazing new experience it was. And I could have this… on my birthday? FOR ME? YES YES I WANT THAT SO MUCH. See CONFIDENCE 2: INTO THE UNKNOWN aka WHAT IS HAPPENING aka A WHOLE NEW WORLD.

It would make me ludicrously happy, but I’m not used to feeling that way. I actually feel like I want to CELEBRATE, which I guess is what birthday parties are supposed to be all about? Hey! I survived another year in this mess of a world, congrats!

I actually wanted to do a party or something this year, if I could find a good outdoor location to hold one. But I didn’t think of it soon enough and we’ve been far too busy and I just didn’t have time to make it happen. And it completely surprises me how devastatingly sad that makes me.

Next year, if I can remember to plan it early enough, I want to rectify that with my first real birthday hang ever. Are we buds? Are you in LA or willing to travel here? ‘Cause I’d love for you to be there. Celebrating with ME. 💜

It’s all just so discombobulating. I hope that lessens over time, but I suspect it might not. It hasn’t so far. But if I could write a letter to that kid, tell her what was coming… maybe that’s the way to approach it.

Hey kid! I know you feel weird. I know you ALWAYS feel weird. Like you don’t belong, like you don’t fit in the world, like the world is made for everyone but you.

Even when you’re happy, even when you’re with people you love, something’s always off. “Like a splinter in your mind.” Some really smart and talented ladies wrote that line in a movie that’s going to knock you on your ass for reasons you won’t realize until years after.

You’re actually gonna come to be known for talking about those movies, and it’s going to help other people like you, in ways you can’t even imagine. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one who has to walk through it.

Did you know that there’s a reason, when you were six, you were devastated when your friend Chucky’s older sister was having a sleepover with her friends and he got to go because he lived there, but you did not because they thought you were a boy?

And there’s a reason you were more upset about not getting to hang out with the girls at the sleepover than you were about not getting to hang out with Chucky all night. Always wondered why that was, huh? Believe me, I know.

There’s a reason you kept that barrette you found in the street while walking home from school in fourth grade and hid it in your room, and put it in your hair every time you were home alone. You never knew why you did it.

It embarrassed you a bit, even though no one knew. Because “boys didn’t do that.” Why would YOU do that? What the fuck is wrong with you, you freak? I hear you wondering that over and over again and it breaks my heart.

Nothing. NOTHING is wrong with you, you beautiful tortured little child. What’s wrong is your biology, and the way the world treats you based on it. That’s all it is. It doesn’t make you a freak, and it doesn’t mean this world isn’t for you.

It just means you’re a girl. Yes you are. I am. Look at me. LOOK AT ME. Do you see? Can you imagine? This is you one day. You’ll get here. Don’t give up. It’s going to take fucking forever, but you can’t give up.

Don’t give me that, you are SO a girl. Despite the fact you never believed in god, how many times did you fall asleep literally praying you’d somehow magically wake up as a girl? How many?

It’s okay, I can’t count that high either. But did you know cisgender boys… don’t do that? They don’t. It’s not a thing every boy does. But it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you!

It’s just your brain trying to work shit out. It’s your subconscious telling you something that it’s going to take you a very long time to figure out, but it’s there and it’s the truth and it’s just waiting for you to find it. And so, so much happiness is waiting for you on the other side.

So keep putting that barrette in your hair. Keep looking at girls you have a crush on and finding them almost as cute as their clothes. Keep looking at their hair and wondering what that would be like. BUT DON’T DO IT IN A CREEPY WAY okay good just want to be sure we cover that.

You don’t have the words or the knowledge yet to explain who you are, but that doesn’t change the truth. You know it, you feel it deep in your heart, even though you can’t express it.

I know, because I can feel it too. Even now. Being who I am today, who I’ve always wanted to be, who I AM. Because it’s who you are, and I can still feel inside me now how you felt then.

I know the pain, and the longing, and the sadness, and how nothing at all makes sense because of this one thing, and how that plagues you and won’t give you a moment’s peace. But you’ll get through it, and your future’s gonna be amazing.

Your best friend in the world is going to be your wife! And you’re going to love her more than you thought it was possible to ever love anyone or anything in the entire universe. She’s going to light up your world like you can’t imagine.

You’re also going to have a kid! And being a parent is going to be the toughest, most exhausting, most amazing, most rewarding thing you’ve ever experienced. And you will love that kid in ways you never knew possible.

And you’re a writer! And you’re working on tv shows and comics and you run a scripted podcast production company (I know you don’t know what those are yet, don’t interrupt me, smartass) and that endless imagination is getting put to wondrous use telling stories for others.

And the world won’t be so strange anymore. I mean, it’s still fucked up in a lot of ways don’t get me wrong. But you’ll always fight to make it better, so definitely keep that up. But that splinter in your mind?

You’ll find it, and you’ll rip it out, and you’ll heal, and suddenly the world will make a lot more sense. And you’ll have wonderful people who love you and support you to help you every step of the way. And there’s so much beauty waiting for you. Around you. IN you.

Don’t give up. Keep fighting. YOU’RE A GIRL AND THAT’S BEAUTIFUL.

Let the tears come. Then wipe them away and stay strong.

You’ll make it.

I love you, kid.

Happy birthday.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

PS – Your wife & kid are making you tomato risotto ‘cause the future is magic. I know you don’t know what that is, just shut up and trust me. No YOU shut up. No YOU shut up! It’s really great, I mean it. What? No! IT’S LIKE FANCY MAC & CHEESE WITH KETCHUP YOU’LL BE FINE. Jesus.

ADDENDUM:
Just had a thought. I felt like that was truly how little me would have responded to this. And OF COURSE IT IS because just look at the FREEING UP MY BRAIN/LUNCH WITH TILLY thread I linked to. I didn’t have the capacity to try many new things/foods! BECAUSE OF MY DYSPHORIA.

ANECDOTAL TRANS HEALTHCARE

Welcome to #TransTuesday! This week we’re talking about something nearly every trans person has encountered, and I suspect it’s something most cis people have zero idea about. And it’s pretty messed up! It’s time to discuss ANECDOTAL TRANS HEALTHCARE.

The intersection of trans people and healthcare, if you didn’t already know, is pretty fraught. And not just because so many places are trying to make the vital, life-saving healthcare that we NEED illegal or impossible to access.

I’ve talked about various other ways that transness intersects with healthcare before. See the Trans Tuesday on how there’s NO ESCAPE (from my deadname and reminders that I’m trans) for some difficulty with it, and one way it went right.

See the Trans Tuesday on NO ESCAPE 2 for some really messed up ways it went very wrong, though it has a happy ending.

And you can see the Trans Tuesday on DISCRIMINATORY BUREAUCRACY on more ways that it’s just entirely messed up.

And for even more of an in-depth look at it, see COMPLETE TRANS HEALTHCARE OR THE LACK THEREOF.

Also! You should see the Trans Tuesday on TRANS KIDS and THE INTAKE EXAM to see how I had to PROVE my transness and womanhood to cis people in order to access the medical care I needed.

That leads right into me reminding you that cis people are largely the gatekeepers to trans healthcare. For most of us trans folks that means at some point, and likely multiple points, along the way, cis people had to agree that we needed the care and approve it for us.

As trans people are such a small part of the population, it’s not easy (and can be impossible for some of us) to find trans doctors to provide our transition care. I myself am limited to the doctors that work with my insurance and that are nearby. And none of them are trans.

And if you’re wondering how well cis doctors know and understand medical transition, let me tell you that it’s generally… not good. As far as I know, my primary care physician has zero experience with trans patients and doesn’t even know about most of what I want or need.

My endocrinologist has treated other trans patients before, but even STILL there were things that he just didn’t know, or wasn’t sure about. And this is sadly the norm for a WHOLE LOT of trans people.

I’ve mentioned before how, because we’re such a small part of the population, very few studies about trans healthcare have been done. A lot of our care is ANECDOTAL because rigorous, science-backed studies about us are few and far between.

This is not to say that puberty blockers and hormones are untested! They’ve been used safely for decades in both cis and trans patients! But so few doctors are at all familiar with their application to transition care.

And so we research online, we talk to each other and learn from each other. But it’s still difficult, because hormone replacement therapy works so very differently for every person, and requires trial and error and constant adjusting until you find the perfect balance.

If you need more information on the basics of HRT, there’s a Trans Tuesday on that, too.

One of the refrains you’ll hear a lot from the transphobes out there is how trans people are being “rushed” into transitioning, and that is THE MOST LAUGHABLE THING ON THE PLANET. Nothing NOTHING about transition is fast.

See my ONE YEAR RETROSPECTIVE to see what changes I’d experienced from HRT.

You can also see my TWO YEAR RETROSPECTIVE to see further changes I’d experienced from HRT.

In fact it took me ONE THOUSAND DAYS OF HRT to get up to a B-cup bra. I mean, I knew i needed a bigger cup size when I ordered this, but it arrived and I tried it on and found it fit perfectly on day 1000, so that’s when it was confirmed.

A tweet I made that reads:
transition is an exercise in patience
Exactly ONE THOUSAND DAYS after starting HRT, I have graduated
This will be a day long remembered
And then there’s a photo of a lacy fuchsia bra in size 38B

Surgeries can take even longer, as there aren’t that many doctors who perform gender confirmation surgery, and so their waitlists are long. Sometimes YEARS long. Some require multiple notes from psychiatrists or psychologists stating that you NEED the surgery.

And it also takes a lot of research to find the doctor that you think is best for you and can give you what you’re looking for. Some of us just have to go with whoever our insurance covers, if our insurance covers it at all. Some people have to fly to other states or countries!

Here are the parts of my OWN healthcare that I had to learn from other trans people and by researching on my own. This will not be the same for every trans person, but here’s a look at what *I* had to deal with just in terms of my own HRT.

I’m on estrogen pills, which my doctor and the label on the bottle says to take orally. But when you do, it’s hard on your liver AND your liver destroys most of it. You end up getting very little estrogen from it (compared to how much is in the pills).

But if you take it sublingually, by placing it under the tongue and letting it dissolve, it bypasses your liver and more of it goes directly into the bloodstream. Thus you get more of what you want and your liver doesn’t have to work as hard. It’s win-win.

But also it seems to be that taking it sublingually MAY affect your lipids, and cause levels of LDL to rise. I don’t know if that’s true for everyone. It has been for some people. It MAY be for me. On my recent labs my lipid panel got markedly worse, and my diet hasn’t changed.

My exercise level hasn’t really changed either. So now I’m back to swallowing the pills to see if that helps my lipids on my next labs. I dunno! Again, THERE IS SO LITTLE INFORMATION ON THIS OUT THERE.

I had to ask my doctor about adding progesterone into my HRT, it wasn’t something he even mentioned me possibly taking. And when I asked about adding it, he said (I KID YOU NOT), “Well… it’s anecdotal.” AND IT IS.

Because again, SO LITTLE INFORMATION IS OUT THERE. There’s not a lot of scientific studies done on the effects of progesterone in trans women, but nearly EVERY trans woman I talked to raved about how much it helped them.

So my endo agreed we could try it, and at first I saw some nice results, but then it seemed to stall out and nothing was happening. And it was then, in talking to other trans women, I discovered THERE ARE TWO DIFFERENT KINDS OF PROGESTERONE.

And for whatever reason, my endo had put me on the synthetic version (without mentioning there was any other option). A while back I had him switch me to micronized progesterone… and THEN I GOT TO THE BIGGER CUP SIZE. And I AM STARTING TO GET HIPS!

HIIIIIIPS! I have been waiting years, and there’s finally something there. Every time I see them, I could fly up to the moon, it makes me so damned happy. This is the super lovely best thing in the world, GENDER EUPHORIA. Yes, there’s a Trans Tuesday about it.

I’ve also learned about an alternate method of taking both progesterone and estrogen, which the community has termed “boofing,” which is taking them as suppositories. Many trans women say they get much better results that way, but that doesn’t seem to work for me.

Again, every body is different, and not only do our bodies respond differently to different hormones, our bodies are better or worse at processing things different ways. It involves experimentation, because again: SO FEW STUDIES ARE DONE.

And I will remind you again that ALL of HRT for trans people is DRUGS THAT WERE DEVELOPED FOR CIS PEOPLE. Some, like estrogen and progesterone, were developed for post-menopausal cis women.

Others, like testosterone blockers, are taken because we want what are considered SIDE EFFECTS of those drugs, most of which were developed to help cis men (with hair loss, enlarged prostates, etc).

NONE of them were developed FOR us. Because we’re such a small percentage of the population there’s not a lot of money in it for the pharmaceutical companies.

There’s not an OUNCE of truth to people saying transition HRT is “forced” on people so doctors and drug companies can make money. It’s LAUGHABLE how untrue it is.

I’d also heard from other trans women on HRT that it could cause PMS. I was so stymied! How? It’s not that I disbelieved them, I was just confused. And then, maybe six months ago, reader… IT HAPPENED TO ME.

What is this intense pain in my lower abdomen? Oh god why does it hurt so bad?? Why am I so emotional this week??? WHY AM I SUDDENLY CRAVING CHOCOLATE AND NOTHING ELSE WILL DO????

Like it’s such a cliche, but it’s somehow true. I’ve never been a huge fan of chocolate. I mean it’s fine, whatever. Vanilla is more my jam. But when the PMS symptoms hit I NEED it, and it somehow actually helps alleviate some of the symptoms! It makes me feel better!

It’s so, so bizarre. Even though trans women don’t have a uterus, we have the same muscles (in the same place) that cis women have, and those same muscles can cramp up and the same hormone-induced emotional changes can happen.

My primary doc suggested I take biotin to strengthen my nails, but didn’t mention at ALL that it could interfere with blood tests, PARTICULARLY THOSE RELATING TO HORMONE LEVELS. I need to stop it a week before blood tests if I want any kind of accurate reading.

One anecdotal thing I’ve discovered on my own is that sometimes I get just RAVENOUSLY hungry, and I wouldn’t know why. Nothing major had changed in my diet or exercise levels, but there would be days when I just COULD NOT EAT ENOUGH FOOD.

And then I discovered it happened on days when my boobs hurt the most, because they were having a growth spurt! And when I mentioned this, guess what? Other trans women went OH HEY THAT HAPPENS TO ME TOO.

A tweet I made that reads:
Me: why am I so hungry?
*eats big lunch, big dinner, all the leftover chips, all the leftover deli meat, tons of mixed nuts, cookies
Leans over and screams as it feels like gravity’s trying to rip my chest off*
Also me: ohh the boobs are growing again okay yeah that explains it

If it surprises you that this much of my own healthcare was learned on my own, and were things my own doctors either didn’t know or didn’t bother to tell me, you’re starting to catch on.

To prep for this essay, a few weeks back I asked trans people to tell me what parts of their healthcare they had to learn on their own. I asked on every social media platform I’m on, and got so many replies, DMs, and emails about it.

I’m not going to quote people directly, because I wasn’t asking for permission to do that, but I will speak in generalities. And yes, this is ANECDOTAL, because I’m one person and don’t have the time or resources (or let’s face it, knowledge) to do a true scientific study.

So many people, SO MANY PEOPLE, told me they learned EVERYTHING about their transition related healthcare from other trans people or their own research.

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G

Many said they had to learn about different options of hormones they could take (progesterone came up a LOT) from sources other than their doctors. Many also said they got no context from their doctors for what hormone levels were good or bad from their blood tests.

Some said their doctors didn’t even know all the different forms of HRT that are available, be they pills, injections, patches, etc. A few said they weren’t even shown how to properly administer their hormone shots to themselves.

Almost all who have had (or looked into) transition-related surgeries learned about how to find the right doctor for them from other trans people.

Some said being honest about their mental health would be a barrier to them getting the transition care they needed.

A few said their doctors knew so little they actually gave them bad (or no) advice for surgery after-care, which caused (or made worse) complications from surgery. Some said their doctors didn’t even know, or neglected to mention, there would be recovery time at all.

Some said their doctors weren’t even aware of anything beyond hormones or bottom surgery. Things like voice therapy/training, facial feminization (or masculinization) surgery, vocal cord procedures, electrolysis, etc. were things they weren’t even aware of.

Some said their doctors didn’t even know of the multiple different versions of bottom surgery that are available, or what all the options are. Some said their doctors didn’t even know about side-effects of HRT or what to watch out for.

Some said their doctors had no idea that things like PMS or emotional changes could accompany HRT. Some said doctors told them (trans women) that HRT would feminize their voice (it absolutely DOES NOT).

Many said their doctors were also unaware how simply being on the right hormones can help improve mental health in a lot of ways.

MANY said their doctors determined on their own what hormone levels were “enough” and refused to increase dosages or change medications to help the patient find the right combo that actually worked for them.

And one (ONLY ONE) person out of all respondents said that every doctor they’ve dealt with for all transition related care was helpful and well-educated on the topic.

ONE PERSON.

I’d love to know who that person is and where that magical land exists, though. Every trans person would book a trip there RIGHT NOW.

And sure, there’s always a responsibility for all of us, cis and trans, to be knowledgeable about and involved in our own healthcare, to ask questions and be sure we’re getting what we need. But this is EGREGIOUS.

What we need is for cis people to not be the gatekeepers of trans healthcare, but I also don’t see HOW that will ever be possible. There aren’t enough of us, much less enough of us who are doctors, to make that happen.

So again we find a situation that comes down to cis people. CIS PEOPLE NEED TO DO BETTER. Trying to get the medical care we need SHOULD NOT BE THIS DIFFICULT.

Again, cis doctors already know how to use a lot of this for cis patients, and plenty of cis doctors know how to use it for trans patients too. But a whole lot don’t, and it’s causing unnecessary barriers and complications to us getting the care we need.

Cis doctors NEED to make understanding trans healthcare a priority. We shouldn’t know more about our own healthcare than our doctors do. We shouldn’t have to do it ourselves, or for each other.

But until the magical day that cis doctors step up for us… WE ABSOLUTELY WILL.

We don’t have any other choice.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com

PANDEMIC TRANSITION

Welcome to #TransTuesday! Today we’re talking about something that’s unique to me and a small subset of other trans people: the PANDEMIC TRANSITION. As always, while there may be commonalities, these are my experiences only.

I don’t speak for others, and if you interpret what I’m saying that way you are wrong and bad and you should feel bad. So don’t do that. 🙂 I’ve mentioned before in multiple threads how I had to wait until a certain date to begin my transition for reasons.

Not going to link you to those, as it’s come up a lot of times and you get the point so let’s all move on. But the time I could begin transitioning was around two months after all us socially conscious people went into strict lockdown.

I knew the earliest I’d be able to start transitioning would be May 2020, and the panini threw that all into the air. But I’d been waiting so long, it felt like waiting until if/when covid was past us was unbearable. I couldn’t wait any longer. I needed to be me.

When I came out publicly last July, my transition was well underway (at least socially, HRT finally started in August). But I didn’t realize at the time how much more difficult the panorama was going to make things.

I never thought it would all be easy, but it’s definitely held me back in a lot of ways that I have struggled with. One of the biggest of these was the way it’s prevented me from getting electrolysis/laser hair removal, especially on my face.

Which may not seem like a big deal to you, but body hair and ESPECIALLY facial hair are one of the things that a whole mess of my gender dysphoria comes along with. I talked specifically about my facial hair in the trans tuesday on GENDER DYSPHORIA.

And my BODY HAIR dysphoria got an entire thread of its own.

So what the pan-fried salmon has done is kept me locked into a holding pattern for a solid year. I still have to shave my face, ALL THE TIME. I’ve found a different shaving cream that helps, and a slightly different way of doing it.

I don’t know how to explain it other than I changed some hand motions and the order of the areas I shave and it allowed my brain to (SLIGHTLY) interpret it differently so it doesn’t bother me quite as much because it’s different than when I shaved before. But I still hate it!

On a scale of hate from 0 to 100, my previous hate for it was a solid 100. Now it’s, like… 95. Which doesn’t seem like much, and it’s not, but when I’m battling my dysphoria I will take absolutely anything I can get. Every little bit honestly helps.

There’s nothing I’ve been able to change about shaving/epilating my body hair. It’s the same now as it always has been. I despise it, it eats up a ton of my time, and it makes me absolutely miserable.

And though some laser/electrolysis places have been open for a while, I couldn’t go. Susan is immune compromised and there’s NO WAY IN HELL I would put her at risk just to make myself feel better.

Especially since, y’know, you kinda have to be maskless in order to get your facial hair zapped off. And it’s not like it’s a one and done appointment. You have to go a lot. It’s a process and it takes time.

And it’s caused other problems. I run, and I do it pretty often. For exercise and my mental health, but also other reasons I call BODY HACKING.

The problem is I have asthma, and running with a mask on has been miserable agony. But once my second vaccine shot reaches full effectiveness, I should be able to run alone outside unmasked, right? Except if I do that, you’re gonna see beard shadow.

Even if I shave RIGHT before I run, it won’t matter. Immediately after shaving you can still see the bluish tint of the hair under the skin. Only makeup covers it up, and I can’t run in makeup. So what’s the problem? Well I am now on HRT, and… I have boobs. Noticeable boobs.

You can tell they’re there even under my sports bra (which I need because now they jiggle! Which is amazing and also OH SO PAINFUL). And if I go running as a mildly-bearded lady, I’m unsure how safe that will be.

There’s this wiry old man who always waved at me on my runs, from his stoop where he sat with his morning coffee. He disappeared for most of the last year, but I was happy to see he reappeared this week and seems fine.

Only when he waved this time, his hand just stopped in mid-air, and he just STARED at me. Super great feeling, let me tell you. There was another time some guy driving by in his car slowed down to talk to me (guys: why?).

He stuck his arm out with a raised fist and was like “YEAH WOO!” (guys: WHY?!?) and then also just stopped, arm mid-air, I guess when he saw I had boobs? And then he also just STARED. And that’s with a mask ON. So fun!

So I’m going to have to KEEP running with a mask on, just to hide the beard shadow, until the laser/electrolysis progresses enough that you can’t see it anymore. And that is awful, but I don’t feel like I really have any other choice. It’d be even worse without it.

But I’m going to set up my first appointment to zap said facial hair later today, and I’m just… I don’t even know how to feel. I’m elated and scared and overwhelmed, though the latter is because there’s more than just that.

I’ve never done anything with my hair. NEVER. I didn’t even know I had curls, my head was buzzed to a quarter inch long for most of my life. HAIR got its own trans tuesday.

I LOVE my hair. I had no idea this is what I had, and I feel so lucky that it’s something I like so much. But I don’t even know what’s POSSIBLE to do in terms of styling it. And I’m terrified of hating it after, because it’s the only part of my body I love without reservation.

I’ve never had a real haircut as ME. And I already have an appointment, with a lovely and highly recommended trans-friendly stylist. It’s in a couple weeks! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And guess what else ya girl has an appointment for? STARTING MY OFFICIAL NAME AND GENDER MARKER CHANGE! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! It’s with a legal expert who helps trans people with these things.

Quick aside if you missed it above, but please notice/remember that we trans people have to worry if something as basic as a hair stylist is safe for us to go see, so we don’t risk being treated as subhuman by a fermented sack of poop.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable just going to any well-reviewed stylist without knowing ahead of time if they were going to treat me like shit or even refuse to cut my hair altogether. It’s something I didn’t at all plan for before I started transitioning.

And I’m only now noticing it because I’m fully vaccinated and can finally start going places again, and it’s a cold wake up call to always be reminded how hostile so much of American society is to us. It’s just a damned haircut! Good times.

So this “pause button” that the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster put on a lot of my transition affected me in another way that I only discovered a couple weeks ago, after we’d had our first vaccine shot and I realized there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

This entire time, since before I came out, since I began my transition… I never painted my nails. Who the hell cares, Tilly? Literally nobody. Ladies can paint or not paint their nails as they choose. So can guys and non-binary people. Do or don’t, whatever!

Except that I wanted to. I’ve always wanted to. But I didn’t. I held off for ALL of the pandemic, and honestly I didn’t know why until I turned it over and over in my head for a few days, eventually asking Susan to show me how because I had no idea.

(I didn’t get to go to little girl school, we have to learn these things somewhere). After all the things I’ve tried and done, and still do, painting my nails was really the last thing I had that I could do at home as part of my transition.

And again, it’s not a part of transitioning for every trans lady, nor should it be, but for me it was. I wanted to see what it would look like, discover how it would make me feel. Maybe I would feel nothing and not even care, you know? I was really curious.

What I discovered is that I don’t like it, I LOVE IT. And for a reason I didn’t expect. It doesn’t seem to make me FEEL more like a woman, though. It’s so difficult to explain this stuff sometimes. I guess it never felt like an overly-gendered thing to do for some reason.

I think my nails look nice. Susan had me start with a light color since I was bound to make mistakes, and hey, good call actually. I wanted to dive right into some super bright color because of course I did. I talked about colors and how even those ended up gendered and kept from me in UNEXPECTED BONUSES OF TRANSITION.

But what it does is make my hands look less like “man hands” in my mind. Is it just because they have polish on them? Is it drawing my eye to them in a new way that makes my brain interpret them differently? Hell if I know.

I have pretty large hands and my fingers are quite long. I didn’t think they bothered me, but maybe they do because seeing the polish on my nails somehow made me feel a little less dysphoria. And I didn’t expect that.

I don’t know what I expected, which is why I wanted to try it, and look at the good that came of it! It makes me feel better somehow, and that’s amazing! So why the hell did I wait so long? I could have done it a year ago.

And that puzzled me. What I’ve been able to figure out was that the pancreas took so much away from me in terms of freedom to explore my own transition that I was incredibly resentful of it.

And boo hoo, cry some tears Tilly, a lot of people had it a whole lot worse. I know. But that didn’t make it less difficult for me to wait my entire life to be myself and then have forces outside my control say “Uh uh, no. You can only go so far.”

So though I WANTED to try putting nail polish on, I held off, because it was the ONE TRANSITION THING left that I felt I still had control over. Yeah I wanted it, but I’d do it on MY terms.

Somehow it was comforting to know there was still something else I COULD do as part of my transition, that even the panhandle couldn’t stop. And weirdly holding on to that knowledge made things feel just slightly more in control.

But once we got the first shot, I could let that go. I didn’t need to hold onto it anymore, because now there was something else I was doing to get the situation under control.

I have my hair/name appointments. I’m gonna laser my face. And my nails will look FAB while doing it. This color’s called LEIA (I am one with the general, the general is with me).

Let go of what you need to. Embrace the unknown. Full speed ahead.

Tilly Bridges, end transmission.
tillysbridges@gmail.com